the1 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 So you have waken up from a hopeless situation and want to completely end the EA with a MM. But he's one of the few who can be helpful to you career-wise. Of course, if you need help from him, you must see and talk to him, which is very BAD and makes it very hard, if possible at all, to be completely free from the former bond. Any advice appreciated!
Nemo Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 If you can wind things back to the odd blowjob, it sounds like it would be manageable. Cutting off all ties doesn't seem like an option, but you need to establish boundaries.
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I've been in a very similar situation for a few years and it is very touchy. You'll need to learn to be professional and friendly with him, but make sure he understands what the boundaries are (if that is in question). And you must not cross-over and let yourself get sucked back in.
LavendarGirl Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 If things haven't moved yet from the EA point and you feel you can trust yourself with the temptation, just tell him that you think things have gone too far, and you'd like to respect his M to his W and cool things back down to professional friendship.
jj33 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I was in a similar situation. And one thing that I found helpful was telling him how much I loved him. The old joke is true. When someone doesnt want to leave etc if you say oh I love you so much and wouldnt it be great if we could be together but we cant... so its too hard.... well the whole idea of putting it out there makes them want to RUN for the hills. And then he doesnt want it to continue because he doesnt want a "problem" - he wants something that fits in its box. It sucks for you that you do have feelings for him etc and have to work with him etc but thats the chance taken would be the same if he were married or not. You can do this you cant stay involved because of work youll feel badly about yourself.
LavendarGirl Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I was in a similar situation. And one thing that I found helpful was telling him how much I loved him. The old joke is true. When someone doesnt want to leave etc if you say oh I love you so much and wouldnt it be great if we could be together but we cant... so its too hard.... well the whole idea of putting it out there makes them want to RUN for the hills. And then he doesnt want it to continue because he doesnt want a "problem" - he wants something that fits in its box. Oh, JJ! Too funny! I am afraid you're right (about her MM running as fast as possible the other direction), but what a clever tactic!
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I was in a similar situation. And one thing that I found helpful was telling him how much I loved him. I did this, too, and it is the best way to handle it - especially if it's the truth. But it didn't make MM run away. It only made him realize that I had a soft spot for him and he used that to keep me close to him. But it made him feel good and that's important in situations like this. You don't want this to end badly where the two of you are on bad terms with one another. That will backfire in a lot of ways.
herenow Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Why do you need him to forward your career? Can't you just work hard and do the best job possible and get ahead on your own merits?
jj33 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Angel my situation was the same and is... and I agree with you. Its far better to be on good terms. But under no circumstances can you continue the romantic relationship BECAUSE of the work benefits. Thats just sleezy.
jj33 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 The other thing is you may THINK that he helps you but does he really. It has occured to me over the past months that while I cling to the idea that we must be on good terms and yes good is better than not good in fact I am not sure he does one little thing for me career wise. I cling to the notion that he could or that if it all went wrong in this economy its good to have his ear if I needed it, but in fact has he helped me? Actually I dont think he has. Not in any material way that matters.
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I'm usually one to chop my own head off if I'm pushed hard enough, so there's no danger with me sticking around just for the benefits. But as long as it's possible without compromising, then it is best to stay on good terms.
herenow Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I'm usually one to chop my own head off if I'm pushed hard enough, so there's no danger with me sticking around just for the benefits. But as long as it's possible without compromising, then it is best to stay on good terms. Again, why depend on another person to forward your career? Why not just do the best job possible and be successful in your own right? When an affair ends, I have always read here at LS that NC is the best way to go. If you are just using him to get ahead in your career, then you are sill being deceitful. IMO.
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Again, why depend on another person to forward your career? Why not just do the best job possible and be successful in your own right? When an affair ends, I have always read here at LS that NC is the best way to go. If you are just using him to get ahead in your career, then you are sill being deceitful. IMO. This situation is a little difficult to explain. But I'll try. I'm not using him because he's a dear person to me. We genuinely like one another as friends but, trust me, he is a powerful figure and I don't want to get on his bad side. Having said that, though, I don't depend on him for anything. And I hope he's not crazy enough to try to ruin me. This is a relationship where there's an imbalance of power, yet he doesn't make me feel uncomfortable about it. He makes sure that he doesn't do a lot of good or bad toward me and, instead, makes a point of leaving things up to my boss. That way, he keeps his hands out of it. Yes, he will step in occasionally but not often. Since everyone is aware of our friendship at work (not the affair - although they suspect, of course), it became an issue once when my boss was really frustrated with me about how I was handling something. My boss basically told me that he couldn't function with the things I was doing, while dealing with this 'friend' issue. So, I cleared it up for my boss right away by telling him that he didn't need to worry about what my friend thought about any of it because if he didn't like how I was doing my job, then I would voluntarily quit if I couldn't improve. I truly meant that and my boss's attitude changed at that point. Then I started firing people because my boss was unhappy with me because I was putting up with too much crap from my subordinates. And he was right. That was 2 yrs ago and my boss now tells everyone - including my friend - what a great job I do and how happy he is with me. So, yes, I fully agree with you, I should move up on my own merit. My only concern used to be that my friend would stonewall me if I pissed him off. I've since learned that he won't do that because we have both pissed one another off at different times and we kept it to ourselves. xMM tells me often how much he appreciates how he can trust me, and he tells me a lot of things that few people know. Not that this information is necessarily helpful to me in any particular way but I like being a trusted friend to him. I think you're right that under circumstances like this, it's probably best to cut all ties. It was very difficult in my situation but it could have been done. I chose not to go down that road because my friendship with him is very strong. But it did delay in me finally breaking away from him, so I can see where it caused problems, also.
Lizzie60 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 So you have waken up from a hopeless situation and want to completely end the EA with a MM. But he's one of the few who can be helpful to you career-wise. Of course, if you need help from him, you must see and talk to him, which is very BAD and makes it very hard, if possible at all, to be completely free from the former bond. Any advice appreciated! I am having an A with a MM from work.. I haven't slept with him for the last 5 months or so.. I used the excuse that I'm dating 'full time' so he will leave me alone for a while.. He said he still loves me.. always will.. he sends me an email daily just to check my 'status'.. I need him in my career.. he's got a very high end management job.. so I can't let him go for now.. I keep stringing him in..
brothelmaiden Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Why do you need him to forward your career? Can't you just work hard and do the best job possible and get ahead on your own merits? I guess not. I'm sure he'll want something in return as well. She better get used to being on her knees cause it appears that's the only way she feels she can accomplish anything; by one blow job at a time.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Why do you need him to forward your career? Can't you just work hard and do the best job possible and get ahead on your own merits? I don't understand the problem either. You don't need a man to forward your career. You just have to WORK. And be the best you can be.
Angel1111 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I don't understand the problem either. You don't need a man to forward your career. You just have to WORK. And be the best you can be. I don't think she's saying that she needs him to forward her career. I think it's more a matter of not wanting to make an enemy of him because that would be a dumb move.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I don't think she's saying that she needs him to forward her career. I think it's more a matter of not wanting to make an enemy of him because that would be a dumb move. She doesn't have to make an enemy of him. That doesn't mean she has to continue in an A with him. That's why there's sexual harassment laws, right?
Owl Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 She doesn't have to make an enemy of him. That doesn't mean she has to continue in an A with him. That's why there's sexual harassment laws, right? The problem is, when she breaks it off with him, he'll likely take it very personally...and could very well turn into an enemy. I'd agree...that's one reason that harassment laws are out there...but bear in mind, this situation is also a primary example of why many companies have policies against "fraternization" where one person can have a heavy influence on the career of another. If he's in her 'chain'...this affair could result in action against one or both of them. She can't cry harassment IF her relationship with him violated other company policies. (which hasn't been stated one way or another by the OP) I'm afraid I don't have any good advice for the OP. Once the affair started, she put herself into this situation, and there very well may not be a good way out.
Owl Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Actually, I do have some advice. Go full blown NC with him. Let the chips fall where they may. And chalk up the loss of "career help" from him as a bitter learning experience. The (potential) delay in your career is simply a direct result of some poor decision making on your part...learn from it, and move on.
Angel1111 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I don't think they've had anything more than an EA. I think she's just trying to figure out the kindest way to end it so that it doesn't go further, and doesn't piss him off. Yeah, I know about the laws but that involves having to deal with any backlash that may come her way first and, if he's smart (and he probably is), he could be very subtle about it and it would be very difficult to prove. Then it would be just a big mess, anyway - who wants that? I would do what I could to deflect those kinds of problems to start with.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I think that most men don't even consider EA an actual A, so she's probably fine. Just minimize the contact, men don't like rejection, he'll get the clue. I got more out of her original post like she want's to justify it and saying she needs him to further her career is a good reason in this economic climate to continue a R with a MM.
Owl Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I think that most men don't even consider EA an actual A, so she's probably fine. Just minimize the contact, men don't like rejection, he'll get the clue. Actually, I think you're both right and wrong. He won't recognize it as an affair...so he'll insist that there's nothing wrong with it, and fight to continue the status quo. If he really DID see where they crossed the line, it would be harder for him to justify continuing. I got more out of her original post like she want's to justify it and saying she needs him to further her career is a good reason in this economic climate to continue a R with a MM. I agree, which is why I reconsidered and offered the advice I did about how she should proceed from here.
jj33 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Having been in a similar situation you are all blowing it out of proportion. The person who started the thread didnt make it sound like this was a superior and she was a subordinate so this threat to her career seems very unlikely. If this guy gives her a hard time about stopping the EA, then he never cared for her at all anyway and would NEVER have been a real ally professionally. If I am wrong and this is a flirtatious thing with a superior in her own company then that is very very unfortunate and she will have to tread carefully. But noone in their right mind goes full NC with colleagues. Its just not smart sorry Owl I know you feel differently but its just not good business sense.
Owl Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 JJ...NONE of this is good business sense, to include being foolish enough to engage in an affair with someone you work with at all. No one "in their right mind" should have an affair to begin with. You know this. What I'm suggesting makes GOOD sense. End the affair now. Don't put yourself in this situation again. That's the baseline of what I've suggested. Looks like we'll have to agree to disagree, because I firmly believe in the advice I've posted. P.S...I wanted to add...it's FOOLISH to expect that someone with whom you are emotionally/physically? entangled with is going to blithely sit there quietly when you attempt to unilaterally end it. For all my time on this site and others, I have seen time and time and time again where someone tries this...and the other party becomes bitter and creates a maelstrom of chaos and disorder over the whole thing.
Recommended Posts