confusedgirl85 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago, saying he couldnt be himself around me.... so we decided to be friends and kept talking every now and the. In those 2 months we've talked over phone or messenger, went to movies once, and did some shopping too. I often find myself thinking of him... so i guess i miss him and want him back, but im not telling him that ever. Tonight a got a call from him that he just arrived to town after a trip and he just wanted to say hi. We agreed to go get a cup of coffee this week. My question basically is, does he really want just my friendship or what?? I know for sure i dont want just that, but i can keep him as my friend too, just that maybe it hurts a bit. What can i do about this?
peacebyinches Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 After a couple of days of NC I got weak and decided to do the "best friends now" thing and it has the bonus of sex so she says. Now she didn't call me when she said she would and Im going crazy wondering where she is and why she hasn't called. **** these ****ing *******s that don't want us. They aint as great as we think they are. The first time I hooked up with my girl I hit it. I wrecked it. She aint special. Just some bitch I ****ed that I was dumb enough to catch feelings for. I got to shake this **** off.
saturnfell Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Have you asked him how he feels? Friends is never a good option in my opinion. Friendship after a relationship never leads to anything good. Look how you're feeling. Do you want to continue on like this? You deserve better than seeing someone once and awhile that it appears to me, you still have feelings for. If you could elaborate on your situation, more information would be helpful in gaining a better understanding.
Author confusedgirl85 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Have you asked him how he feels? Friends is never a good option in my opinion. Friendship after a relationship never leads to anything good. Look how you're feeling. Do you want to continue on like this? You deserve better than seeing someone once and awhile that it appears to me, you still have feelings for. If you could elaborate on your situation, more information would be helpful in gaining a better understanding. No i've never asked him how he feels. And the break up was so sudden that i didnt even get the chance to talk about it, he just broke up with me and i just stayed quiet and he walked away. A week later I heard from him because he called and we talked just like if nothing never happened, and since then its been like that. I sure have feelings for him, and I want to get back with him. So every time we talk i get my hopes up that he wants me back, but it never happens. I agree that friends is not a good option, but i dont want to end our friendship either. The worst part is that i met him about 6 months ago, we went on dates for about 2 months, we were a couple 2 months and now we are back to friends. I wish i could find someone else to get over him... and i kind of did that but it didnt work, I had a thing with this guy but he left the country so im back alone again thinking of my ex.
saturnfell Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 No i've never asked him how he feels. And the break up was so sudden that i didnt even get the chance to talk about it, he just broke up with me and i just stayed quiet and he walked away. A week later I heard from him because he called and we talked just like if nothing never happened, and since then its been like that. I sure have feelings for him, and I want to get back with him. So every time we talk i get my hopes up that he wants me back, but it never happens. I agree that friends is not a good option, but i dont want to end our friendship either. The worst part is that i met him about 6 months ago, we went on dates for about 2 months, we were a couple 2 months and now we are back to friends. I wish i could find someone else to get over him... and i kind of did that but it didnt work, I had a thing with this guy but he left the country so im back alone again thinking of my ex. Friendship is very difficult to accept after a relationship. I personally, don't stay friends with people I was once involved with. There's too much added 'stuff' that goes into it (that's just me though, I'm probably weaker than most. I just don't care to know how their life is turning out) Finding someone else will not help you. Maybe in the short term, but your feelings will still be clear a day in the long run and won't just dissipate over time. Many people think jumping into another relationship is the answer, but it's not. You took a risk when you went from friends to dating. I understand you can't be friends, but don't want to lose the friendship either. You need to think about what's best for you. I'm sure you could live your life without being friends with him. Of course it would hurt, but you would manage. You can't think about speaking with him and having hope in the conversation. I think you need to decide how much a friendship with him means to you. Can you look past the fact that the two of you are no longer dating and that you'll be expected to support his every decision even if that involves him being with someone else one day? These are the aspects you need to consider. The loss of a friend is hard, but living with heartache day in and day out is even harder.
EmperorR Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Friendship is hard, I know it's like you want to be like I'd be friends than nothing. But trust me nothing is better. The whole best friend's is impossible to do when you sitll have feelings. Best friend's tell everything, will you be ok when he is telling you about this new hot girl and how there going out on a date. Because a real best friend woudl tell you that thing etc., can you really take it? I couldn't, I couldn't take it when I was friends with my cheating ex and she was talking about having butterflies for some herb at her school, and how he invited her over to watch a movie I couldn't take it so I went NC and haven't looked back. Nothing is so much better than being hurt and having a little bit of hope in your belly every single day, knowing that person you loved did everything for, doesn't even respect you anymore and has feelings for someone else. Eh I'll pass on that.
Riffmeister General Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I think you answered your own question there. I agree that being friends with an ex that dumped you is really hard, but you have to check the criteria for being friends. If you want to be friends because you hope that being in contact means if he becomes available again, you'll be right there, or you might be able to show him why he loved you in the first place, then that's not healthy. You're not in control of his feelings for you, and you'll be disappointed and hurt again. This is exactly what I'm going through, 2 days after the break-up; desperate for contact, but for the wrong reasons. However, there is a time that it can be healthy for you. I know it wasn't a break-up, but I had a crush on a girl who I was 99% sure would agree to go out with me judging on her behaviour, but she turned me down. For a while I didn't want to talk to her at all (really hard as we'd always IM'd all day at work). I missed her loads. However, what I found was that the things we had in common I couldn't enjoy anymore. So, when I thought I was over her (a new focus in life or another 'target' might help) I did start to talk to her again, and we're great buddies now, and all those things I couldn't enjoy because of her, I now enjoy with a sense of fondness for a good friend. Kinda what I'm hoping will happen with my ex. We've so much in common and right now I can't enjoy any of it, but when I feel I'm over her (being with someone else or something), I know that getting back in touch with her will (hopefully) make me enjoy those things more again. My goal is to reach the point of healing where I wouldn't want to get back with her even if the opportunity arose, THEN I will be her friend again. The bottom line is, if you're going to be friends with your ex, make sure it's for a reason you know will be of benefit to you, not just a dim hope you'll get back together, because that's not healing, that's going backwards.
starzphalling Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 i will tell you from bad decision personal experience. staying friends with him, and still having feelings for him....baaadddd idea. that day when he goes on a date, or tells you that his new gf is soooo awsome, etc.....its gonna be like the day you broke up all over again, cause that friendship lets you hold onto that hope, and when the new girl comes in, that hope is completely shattered.
Hersheys Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Walk away while you still can. I've done the let's be friends bit with my ex and trust me it will be as tough as when he broke up with you. You will never feel good being friends with him because you still have feelings for him and that nasty little hope will always be there keeping you hanging. Him on the other hand will have his cake and eat it too as he gets the comfort of a caring 'friend' (YOU) as time filler until the right one for him comes along. And unfortunately for you, you will never have the right to question him, his whereabouts, his availability, who he's dating and doing because he will always shove in front of you that you two are JUST FRIENDS.
EmperorR Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Another thing when they date someone new etc. Do you think their new partner is going to be ok with them talking to and spending time with their ex. Would you be ok when you find a new bf And like him buy he's still talking to and spending time with his ex? I know I wouldn't, better to leave now before your cut off.
Sexy Kitty Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 My ex and me were friends for a year. Just online friends though but would talk daily. We would talk about our relationships with each other and get advice etc...We never met in person during that time. He had asked me out when we first started talking but I started seeing someone so we remaind friends. We both became single a year later and started dating but then he broke up with me and said he wanted to still talk and stuff. I can't do that unless it was to get back together down the road. It would feel too weird hanging out. I definitely wouldn't want to know about new girls he was dating etc...like I did before. That would hurt to much. Doesn't matter anyways as its been 3 weeks NC. Some people can do it and that's great if they can. Im someone who just can't do it.
Author confusedgirl85 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 Ok, so you all agree that its better to go away and dont be friends with him anymore. But how do i that? I mean.. in this past time i've iniciated contact once or twice maybe, the rest was him (gave me a call or texted me). I know i dont have the guts to tell him that i no longer want to be friends with him because its hurtfull to me.
D-Lish Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I don't think you owe him an explanation! And it's not being mean to take some space for yourself to heal. My ex has done the same thing to me. He started pulling away, I called him on it and he admitted doing so- so I walked away from him. He on the other hand has tried to remain friends and keeps trying to initiate contact with me. I have not returned a text or email in 6 days... It's killing me, but not as much as living each day "hoping" would. It screws with your head too much to hang around with someone you still love. I did tell my now ex that I wanted no contact, and he doesn't like it- but that is his problem, and his loss. You can either tell him you can't do it, or just stop returning texts and calls. I think going into automatic ignore mode will have more effect personally. If you have hope about getting back with him, something to think about is that he can't miss you when you are always available to him. The loss will only set in when you aren't there anymore. At the very least you are letting him know you won't be taken for granted anymore.
Author confusedgirl85 Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 I don't think you owe him an explanation! And it's not being mean to take some space for yourself to heal. My ex has done the same thing to me. He started pulling away, I called him on it and he admitted doing so- so I walked away from him. He on the other hand has tried to remain friends and keeps trying to initiate contact with me. I have not returned a text or email in 6 days... It's killing me, but not as much as living each day "hoping" would. It screws with your head too much to hang around with someone you still love. I did tell my now ex that I wanted no contact, and he doesn't like it- but that is his problem, and his loss. You can either tell him you can't do it, or just stop returning texts and calls. I think going into automatic ignore mode will have more effect personally. If you have hope about getting back with him, something to think about is that he can't miss you when you are always available to him. The loss will only set in when you aren't there anymore. At the very least you are letting him know you won't be taken for granted anymore. Thank you, ill try my best to do that and go into automatic ignore mode, that will be one of new year's resolutions. I hope it all turns out to the best!
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