Sheclectica Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 So there's this guy. I didn't make a move when he was single because I was young and inexperienced and just didn't know HOW. Well, now I know how, and I'm good at it, but unfortunately, now he has a girlfriend. We got into a bit of trouble last night. We're "just friends" and we were watching a movie, and it turned into cuddling which turned into all sorts of other stuff that shouldn't have happened. We broke it apart before it got TOO serious (it had already gotten serious) and have agreed that it shouldn't happen again. I deeply want it to, but I know I shouldn't want that. I know I should let him go, because he's not mine for the taking, but heaven help me, I don't know how. I've been trying for two years to let him go, and I'm as much as in love with him as I ever was. It gets worse; I'm not infatuated. I know so many of his faults and I love him in spite of them, because I learned to love him as a friend in addition to being insanely attracted to him. So what do I do now? Are there any new methods for getting over someone? I've tried phasing him out of my life but all it takes is running into him somewhere and everything rushes back. I've tried dating other people. I've tried focusing on the bad. I still love him and I still want him desperately. How do I position myself so that we can maybe have another try if and when he does become single again? Should I even be thinking like that? I can't help thinking like that. Sigh. Someone older and wiser than me, please help me figure this out. I hurt all over.
norajane Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 It's easier to stop being in love if you lose respect for the guy. As you should, since he's a cheater. And since he's not going to tell his gf about your evening on the couch as "just friends", he's also a liar, and someone who will deceive the person closest to him to serve his own selfish purposes. It's hard to retain respect for a guy like that. Keep in mind, if he'll do that to his gf, he'll do it to you, too.
Reggie Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 How about telling his girlfriend? That might help you desist and help her get away from this guy.
Author Sheclectica Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 norajane: Thanks. There's a lot to what you said... The trouble is is that I've known he's got a wandering eye for a while and that it doesn't actually influence how I feel about him too much. It does make me want to be with him slightly less... but at the same time, I'm really open-minded about relationships and love and so I'm totally okay with the idea that he might be with me and a couple other people. The problem right now is that he's with someone who's expecting a fully committed relationship so he can't be with us both. And it was an honest mistake, one of those things that just happened, and he was the first to break it up. Still, I don't think he's planning on telling her, which is food for thought... Reggie: I would like to... but that would make the world explode in some big ways. It's not my business to tell her; if she finds out, it needs to be from him. I don't want to ruin their relationship for something that he and I both agreed was a big mistake and should never happen again. I don't know... I really wish I could but I know I would regret it. Thanks, both of you.
LavendarGirl Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I'd recommend the next time he calls you (or emails, etc) you tell him that you realize things got way out of hand, you respect his relationship with his GF, and you're sorry but you can't see or talk to him any more. And hold to it. You realize that he's cheating on his GF and his commitment to her. Walk away now, it will just get more complicated if you continue to see him. And hang in there.
norajane Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 norajane: Thanks. There's a lot to what you said... The trouble is is that I've known he's got a wandering eye for a while and that it doesn't actually influence how I feel about him too much. It does make me want to be with him slightly less... but at the same time, I'm really open-minded about relationships and love and so I'm totally okay with the idea that he might be with me and a couple other people. The problem right now is that he's with someone who's expecting a fully committed relationship so he can't be with us both. And it was an honest mistake, one of those things that just happened, and he was the first to break it up. Still, I don't think he's planning on telling her, which is food for thought... I hope you do give this more thought. Your expectations of what you deserve from a guy should be higher than this. A wandering eye, dishonesty, deception and lies to save his own ass so he can keep getting what he wants from his gf without having to face the consequences of his actions...well, that's not the kind of guy you can even be with long term, much less should you be ok with that. Even if you really would be happy with an open relationship, an open relationship is just that - open. It hinges on honesty and trust, not sneaking around behind your back and lying about it. Do you know his gf? Do you see her out with him? If so, now he's turned you into a liar, too, because you are going to keep this from her and pretty much lie to her face (by omission) every time you see her. Is that who you want to be? Do you really think a guy who turns you into a liar who deceives innocent people is good for you? Start by being honest with yourself...it wasn't an honest mistake. You wanted it to happen and didn't do anything to stop it when it did. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been in the position where it could happen in the first place. You wouldn't have seen him in private like that. If he's turning you into someone you don't want to be, you're better off staying away from him entirely. It's time for you to learn to be attracted to people who bring out the best in you, not the worst.
Author Sheclectica Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 LavendarGirl: Thanks. I have talked to him, apologized, and we're going to be spending quite a lot of time not together. norajane: Wow. I honestly don't know what to say, other than that you're right. Dangit. *sigh* But you are right. This is going to take some mental readjusting.
norajane Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 LavendarGirl: Thanks. I have talked to him, apologized, and we're going to be spending quite a lot of time not together. norajane: Wow. I honestly don't know what to say, other than that you're right. Dangit. *sigh* But you are right. This is going to take some mental readjusting. That's the first step - mental readjusting. And it's a tough one. But you can do it. When you find yourself slipping, keep reminding yourself that you deserve a good man who brings out the best in you. Anything less is not good enough, no matter how tempting are the ribbons and bows on the package.
Author Sheclectica Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Thanks. I'm trying... I've got a move to another town coming up soon, so I hope that'll help shake him from my horizons. In between that and what you said, new beginnings are probably going to be waiting. *fingers crossed*
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