Fresh Breakup, Trying NC...she keeps im'ng and texting...

[jdmoney]

I've been reading this board for a bit and relationships advices in general. I'm 26 years old and I just got out of a 4 month relationship with a friend from HS i've ALWAYS had a crush on. She was my dream girl I guess you could say and always seemed unobtainable. Well recently in August we started talkin randomly on IM and sparks flew.. we connected again after 5 years and we got together for lunch and suddenly this never to be intimate couple was finding each other a possibility...Everything was perfect these next few months.. never any fighting.. just love,affection, and she was totally not selfish. Everything was perfect.

 

Fast forward to now, she decided I was too "needy". I tried to do everything I could to appreciate her and her last relationship was with an ******* and whom she has a child with. she is struggling w/ money and things, trying to get through school via loans so she has ALOT on her plate. Well she broke it off after deciding that we were "incompatible" and she started to get irritated w/ everything that I did and she confronted me and told me she shouldn't feel like that about someone she is supposed to love. We spent ALOT of time together over this short period and I blame that alot even with past experiences.. just got consumed with each other as we both had been out of relationships for quite awhile.

 

Anyway, at first it was a break-up.. a few hours later she kept texting i dunno what i should do.. yada yada.. we decided to be on a "break". So we saw each other maybe once a week and still things were better at the beginning of the day and then she started getting the same way. I knew she still resented me for being "needy" i guess and I didn't know how to fix it. I tried to not do the ltitle things that made me appear that way like kiss her, massage her, etc.

 

Anyways finally we got to our breaking point after we'd go out and she'd get way too drunk, completely ignore me, and then she left me at the bar not knowing where she went.. said she went home and not to come.. i of course go to check on her cause im concerned with her and she wasn't there.

 

Sooo I really love this girl and I would do anything for her yet she keeps treating me like crap and isn't even a very good friend anymore. I was trying to do NC but she kept texting me and Im'ng me... accusing me of not being a good friend and saying maybe you cant be a friend to me. Which, I told her, I would try to be her friend ...but im finding out it's just WAY too hard.

 

So she texts me last night, i knew she was going out from her away msg online and asks me to come to her and that she wanted some booty basically. I, being drunk too, said that nobody i was with wanted to go or would take me to where you were.. if you want to have sex, you can come get me. Well.. she kept texting me and kept telling her to meet her here and there even though i didnt drive with my friends and they offered to take me. I told her none of them wanted to go so pick me up if you want me. Well.. needless to say we didnt meet up and she texted me **** YOU and yada yada. I know she was just trying to get me to respond so I just ignored it. Came home and went to bed.

 

Now to this day, and the reason I registered is I need help from the community. I tried NC like i previously mentioned and it always broke after a few days cause i didnt wanna be rude to her texts or IM's. I knew she would guilt me into it by questioning our friendship and yelling at me..(im a people pleaser).

 

This brings us up to speed to Today..., she says she doesnt remember last night about the booty calling etc. I know thats a lie cause I know how she is when she's drunk. Anyways, I have so much resentment over the course of this time and every time i try to talk to her about an issue, she tells me to drop it and its fine or tells me im being a girl. She definitely doesn't talk to me on the phone.. just texts and IM's me to find out about me..can't remember the last time she called. I finally tonight after she was trying to call me out about last night told her that if she wasn't willing to talk about things that I have resentment for, then i cant be a friend anyways cause i will harbor resentment. I told her she isn't the same person I once knew. she just kept saying "haha ok"

 

This caught me off guard that she quickly said... "soooo.. no talkin then?" I said "i think thats for the best at this point cause our friendship feels forced and awkward." She goes "good luck with everything! Bye!" Yes. We had to do this talk all online cause if i try to call she will not answer the phone. I felt like an ass but our friendship as of now was just eating me alive. I was fine not talking to her but was it a mistake to declare how i felt about our friendship?

 

Now I know this is me being an idiot and reading alot into it but she immediately blocked me on AIM, took me off her myspace top friends, etc.

 

I feel absolutely horrible about saying that to her and I feel like since I've known this girl for 13 years...since i was 14 in High School... that... im losing a friend. Albeit I know she wasn't being a good person to me by closing me out communication wise and obviously only dangling me there but I feel awful about being blocked and stuff. I don't want to lose her forever but I don't want to feel this way.

 

I'm just very confused I guess and I know NC is the way to go but I didn't want her to react the way she did. I feel like if she was willing to be a good friend she wouldn't have done the **** she has recently done and would let me talk to her to fix **** so we could have an actual REAL friendship.

 

Am i wrong?

 

Thank you all for reading my long drawn out post, I just didn't know where to turn for a neutral point of view.

 

I just don't understand how you can be so hot and heavy for someone and have it go cold so fast. She was such a great friend and now she's treating me like I don't deserve her respect and she's definitely being selfish.

 

JD

[D-Lish]

From reading your post, it doesn't seem like this person deserves your friendship.

 

Sounds like your relationship was filled with drama.

People worthy of your friendship don't treat you the way she's been treating you.

 

I'd stick with the no contact. The way she's treated you is crappy.

[jdmoney]

From reading your post, it doesn't seem like this person deserves your friendship.

 

Sounds like your relationship was filled with drama.

People worthy of your friendship don't treat you the way she's been treating you.

 

I'd stick with the no contact. The way she's treated you is crappy.

 

do you think making that declaration that i felt like she wasn't the same person was a bad thing to do? she reacted very rashly. She does have a tendency for that. Or should I just have not talked to her and established NC subtly? I just felt like I tried to do it at first subtly and she kept trying to get ahold of me and saying *I* was the one that wasn't being a friend at one point after a few days.

 

I just am so confused and feel terrible after she blocked me and all that. I feel like I should have just did NC and not even brought anything up.

 

Did I go about it wrong?

[D-Lish]

do you think making that declaration that i felt like she wasn't the same person was a bad thing to do? she reacted very rashly. She does have a tendency for that. Or should I just have not talked to her and established NC subtly? I just felt like I tried to do it at first subtly and she kept trying to get ahold of me and saying *I* was the one that wasn't being a friend at one point after a few days.

 

I just am so confused and feel terrible after she blocked me and all that. I feel like I should have just did NC and not even brought anything up.

 

Did I go about it wrong?

 

I don't think you did anything wrong.

I think she was treating you with disrespect, broke up with you yet led you on, left you at a bar and lied about going home after (blew you off)... and then got pissy when you called her on her behaviour.

 

It's not YOU that went about anything wrong. She wasn't treating you well and you stood up and told her NC was best way to go.

 

What exactly would you be losing by haven't someone like that out of your life? I'd ask yourself about that!

 

I think she thought she could treat you any way she liked without repercussions... and generally, all of us have a breaking point about how we let someone treat us.

 

"We teach people how to treat us" is an old adage... but it's very true.

I think you let her do some crappy things and still stuck around.

 

I don't think you'd be losing an awesome friend cutting her loose... I think you'd be gaining some peace!

 

Sometimes we idealize a person because we saw things in them initially that we liked. When that person shows their true colours, it's hard to erase the notion of who we have tricked ourselves into believing they are.

 

I wouldn't focus on the girl she "was" in highschool... I'd focus on how crappy she has treated you since you started dating. You see her as being something she is not... and you're waiting for the girl you fell in love with to "snap out of it"... but I think this girl just is who she is, and she sounds like trouble.

 

This isn't anything YOU have done... your only mistake would be to keep her in your life after the way she has been treating you. You had every right to confront her behaviour. It's been uncalled for!

[Joker77]

Bro,

 

This girl treated you like dirt and you deserve better. Be grateful that she cut you loose after 4 months. I've decided after my last break up that I am not going out of my way any longer to please. Apparently that isn't welcomed in today's dating culture. The women I date want some jack*** who treats them like garbage and then they cry about it when the guy uses and abuses them. They have no problem doing the same thing to a guy who treats them well. Why waste your time with them? Find someone who will appreciate YOU for YOU. Again, be glad it was only 4 months.

[Angel1111]

Everytime you respond to her or agree to just be a sex object for her, then you prove her point - that you're needy. Not to mention that you choose her over your own self-respect, which seems to be non-existent.

 

This thing about the friendship is a non-issue and if she had any decency, she would see what she did to drive things in that direction. If she doesn't, then there's nothing you can do about it. You're just clinging to the friendship thing so that you can hang on to her in some way. Just about everybody does this when they break up with someone. It's hard to break the connection so 'friendship' seems to be the answer at the time. This is very hard to maintain, though, even if you had a friendship before the relationship. Especially when drama is involved. I can almost bet you that she'll be bawling about how she cut you off and all that crap and you'll be hearing from her again. So what you really need to be doing is thinking about what your reaction is going to be when/if that happens. Because if you're not prepared, you're just going to do the same stuff again -- the stuff that makes her lose respect for you.

 

I dated a guy like this once and the neediness nearly drove me nuts. He'd follow me around my apartment whenever I left the room, and even followed me to the bathroom. He also depended on me very heavily for friendship. He had very few friends outside our relationship because he was kind of new in town, although a lot of people tried to befriend him. I did talk to him about following me all over my apartment so he did stop doing that. He was also really big on getting me to make all the decisions - even with little things like choosing a restaurant. I absolutely hated this. And then the big break came when I told him that I needed one day out of the month to myself. I was newly divorced and had a son, so I really needed some time to myself. He was really offended by this and said that I didn't love him the way he loved me. After he pouted about it for a couple of weeks, I ended the relationship.

 

The funny thing is, we tried getting back together a few months later and, to me, he had become a much better person because he had become independent and a lot less possessive of me. But he was so pissed off about our break-up that we never could get back on track again.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that when a woman tells you that you're being too needy, she really sees you as being weak and she loses respect for you. There is a difference between being good to a woman and giving her the things she wants and needs, opposed to being so needy that your behavior tells her that you don't even have enough self-respect to stand up for yourself when she crosses a line. You need to figure out where that line is. If you don't, this will always be an issue in your relationships. As I always say, when a woman loses respect for a man, it's a death-sentence to the relationship. The way you get that respect back is to stop being there at her beck and call when she has proven to you that she doesn't deserve your kindness.