pleasepleaseplease Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 how can i begin to explain the situation im in. i am a man in my 30's dating for over 3 years a girl in her mid to late 20's. no biggie right. but she has always and still does live at home with her parents. she has never once spent the night with me. when i do see her she starts anxiously getting her things together sometimes as early as 9 pm and says shes going home now. basically i have spent every night and every morning alone for over 3 years. i havent shared my bed for over 3 years. and im in a relationship! a serious relationship! she says we have to be married before she will ever spend the night and that i will have to ask her father if i can marry her though while her parents are paying for college she cant work full time so she wont be moving out till after graduation. ive seen her all of 1 day over the holiday break and the rest she has stayed at home hanging out with her family. she thinks this is all completely normal. she thinks i am an a--hole for making her feel bad about spending time with her family. if i happen to be talking to her on the phone and her mother calls out dinner's ready, thats it she instantly switches her tone and says " i have to go now" but, but im explaining something. too bad dinners ready i have to go! she still calls her mother mommy as do her sisters who are close to my age. so from everything im writing you might easily say well its obvious, you have to tell her how you feel and if she isnt willing to make changes or treat you like she cares about you and acknowledges the 3 years plus youve spent together , then you have to cut her loose and move on. we all know how much easier said than done that is. we've discussed getting married many times after graduation. but over this weekend she says she had a falling out with her mother but when i asked what about she said its none of my business and that shes now looking for apartments on craigslist. i recently moved and said i wish id known you were going to be moving, we couldve looked for a place together to which she responded, im not going to jump from living with my family to living with you! though just a week earlier we discussed how the place where im living now is great and my roommate will be moving out in september so we could be married and live here together. she thought it a great idea/plan. now shes saying she wouldnt want to live with me straight from her parents. i am so confused. ive written too much and its all a jumbled mess. what is going on?? someone please read all this and respond. i dont want to carry this into 2009.
Author pleasepleaseplease Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 it was love at first sight. i quickly learned about her living situation but tought due to the intensity and sureness of our love, it would change to our mutual benefit. it has only gotten worse. its like a relationship in reverse. and also, what i want is a normal loving relationship that is mutually beneficial to both. this situation has caused me to question everything i ever thought i knew or understood about love relationships. iloveher so much and yet it feels utterly hopeless.
Geishawhelk Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 You've had so many red flags fluttering in your face, I'm surprised it's taken you this long to seek help. Her family will always come first. They always should really, but there are limits, and I'm afraid this seems obsessive. You know what? If you end this, you'll never hear from her again, because she'll get over you just like *snap* that. She has a ready-made support system. Truth to tell, she's always had it, it has filled her life and she doesn't need you.If you end this relationship - and I'm afraid, for your well-being and sanity, I don't see any other option - she won't lose a night's sleep over you, because she'll simply carry on as she has been doing for the past three years (3 years!!) You've been a side-line amusement, and I think it's time you dated a proper, real human being, not an automaton mummy-oriented puppet. Please, please don't come back with tons of excuses, justifications and defenses for her. You need to shut off contact, and not get in touch with her for any reason whatsoever. Start 2009 with a clean slate, and find some happiness. because by no definition does this even come close.
canadian_banana Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I'm also a college student so maybe I can put this into perspective. We are still young and family is still very important to us. For her, family is probably a priority and this won't change, this is something that you are going to have to accept. Also, we don't want to move in with our boyfriends because we still view ourselves as "young and free". it doesn't mean we don't want to be in a long term relationship, it just means the minute we commit to something as major as moving in with our boyfriend, than that part of youth is officially over. Also, I would agree with her that I wouldn't want to move out with my boyfriend right away, I'd like to experience what life would be like on my own completely. If I were you, I'd just be patient. She wouldn't still be with you for 3 years if she didn't love you. Just be patient and think about what it was like when you were her age.
BikerBeagle Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 so from everything im writing you might easily say well its obvious, you have to tell her how you feel and if she isnt willing to make changes or treat you like she cares about you and acknowledges the 3 years plus youve spent together , then you have to cut her loose and move on. we all know how much easier said than done that is. It is easier said than done ...but that doesn't keep it from being what needs to be done. I have to agree with Geisha here ...she's used you as entertainment, a means to spend some time away from her over-bearing family, that's it. Now that she's finding a means to break free from them by finding another place to live, she no longer needs you either.
saturnfell Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Ehh... I feel bad saying this, but I commend her respect to her family. I think it's great they are as close as they are because you certainly don't see much of that anymore. Also, maybe she's afraid to move out and live with a man? Since she's always lived at home, that's a big step. I think people should either live alone or with roommates before living with a significant other. I don't think there's anything more to it than she just doesn't want to live together right now. Maybe if she could just 'live' with you, but that's not the case. The two of you are in what sounds like an exclusive relationship. Living together adds many new levels to the relationship. Maybe she's afraid and not ready for all of that. If so, good for her for not jumping into living with you knowing that it's possible the relationship will fail due to her not being ready on all the levels. Also, as much as she might talk about marriage, I don't think she's ready hense the not moving into the other apartment and only talking about it talk. She's young, she needs time to grow into the excitement of being married. I used to love to watch all the wedding shows on t.v and being married was the first thing on my mind all the time. Now, I can't watch those shows anymore and i'm much older than I was when I was obsessed with watching them. The timing isn't right. If you love her you'll wait. If you don't love her enough, you'll move on. I think it's as simple as she's just not ready yet.
Author pleasepleaseplease Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 i went to a healing meditation and the instructor said something like, replace all grievances with miracles. replace pleasure/pain with joy. thank you for your responses. even if i disagree with some of them, they made me consider things that seem obvious but are still painful and easy to ignore. i do love her and will wait. the time i spend alone will be my time to do what i need to do. ive been in "normal" relationships and they've all ended for one reason or another. this relationship is so different and at times difficult to understand, but i believe that has contributed to its longevity. living together and finally spending every night and every morning together will be an amazing reward and something beautiful to look forward to. last night being new years eve, we met friends for dinner and then a party and she was so sweet and beautiful and gracious. i cannot be around her and not feel intense love and affection. i want to be with her. we came back to my place at 11:40 to be alone and watch the ball drop in times square. after more quality time alone i called her a car and she went home. i didnt feel upset or sad or disappointed that she left. unless i decide i am not getting my needs met and cannot go on, i am going to deal with my grievance in a more constructive way. i will be more positive and open to this situation and i think that will make everything easier.
Recommended Posts