Mutual Passion

[That Emotion]

Was interrupted and couldn't finish that last post of mine. Picking up...

 

My fear is that these things will fade without that 'catalyst', without that person with whom I feel that passion toward and who reciprocates and feels the same. It's already fading some. I'm telling you, nothing, NOTHING else was important. Everything seemed trivial. Things I had interests in didn't matter. Things I thought were important to me, that in part defined me, were of no consequence.

 

So many here have suggested midlife crisis. I won't try to refute this, but I will say that I have no other symptoms, at least none that I'm conscious of. I don't want a sports car. I'm sated with my station in life. I have it fairly good. I hadn't been searching for anything more, not until this thing with the OW happened.

 

Now I simply can't deny what I've been missing. Advising me to focus it on something else, let's just say that I don't think it works like that. I appreciate everyone's insight though and I am not one to make rash decisions so I will consider all of it. Somehow, one way or another, I will again find, I have to, that emotion.

[LavendarGirl]

So many here have suggested midlife crisis. I won't try to refute this, but I will say that I have no other symptoms, at least none that I'm conscious of. I don't want a sports car. I'm sated with my station in life. I have it fairly good. I hadn't been searching for anything more, not until this thing with the OW happened.

 

Okay, well if the label 'midlife crisis' feels to harsh (and it's so cliche, I know), how about this...you hit a milestone birthday (40), which made you re-evaluate where you were in life. There. Does that fit you better? Hitting my 40th birthday was what it took for me to decide then and there to divorce my H. It was one of those thoughts, "wow is life going downhill from THIS? Yuck."

[That Emotion]

Ha. You really are a funny lady.

 

I didn't try to reevaluate anything until this thing hit with the OW. Turning 40 was not great, no one wants to come to terms with getting older, but I don't recall reevaluating anything. As I said, I've always been satisfied with who I am and what I do, at least until I went through this thing which showed me that so much of my life is actually just trivial things I don't care much about.

 

Such drama. blech. Still, I can't get away from knowing that life could be so much better if I had that emotion.

[LavendarGirl]

TE, you are a passion junkie and you need a fix.

 

No really...saville put it so eloquently...the passion you felt with this OW was passion that came from within yourself. It wasn't something that fell upon you, as an external force.

 

It is good...no GREAT...that you felt passion with such force and gusto. It reminded you that you are ALIVE. And you certainly have the capacity to feel that passion again. The question is, can you feel that passion between you and your W?

[That Emotion]

I've tried. It's not something that can be forced. It's not a logic thing. I've tried sooo many different things. Honestly, you'd laugh if I told some stuff.

 

As far as the passion junkie thing goes, I really don't think you're too far off with that. I've been thinking how similar it is to a drug and how when it ends, the withdrawal can be just as painful.

 

Plus, how sustainable is that kind of passion? Maybe it only lasts for the beginning of the relationship. I don't know. But it changed me. I am changed by that emotion.

[LovieDove24]

I think we are all having a hard time believing you married a woman whom you had ZERO ZILCH NADA passion for from the getgo. If you loved her as a person...well that in itself is being passionate about something. Loving someone is a powerful thing.

 

Honestly reflect on whether this was true or not. You did make babies with her, no? Was there never any chemistry either? Or are you using these two words chemistry and passion interchangeably? This is important.

[Meaplus3]

As far as passion from when the W and I first started seeing each other, I think I said this before too, I loved who she was as a person. Steady, and stable. A good woman. That's what it was about for me then. It was never an all consuming desire or passion. It was never that emotion.

 

OK.. then I guess My next question to you is why did not having the passion with your wife really matter but now passion matters? Is it becuase you never felt it before and it's a new feeling for you brought out by this OW?

 

Mea:)

[DavNY]

TE, OK, I've been reading through this thread and have decided to share my 2 cents. I pretty much know how you feel. I am 52. Been married for 30 years to my high school sweetheart. We have 2 grown children who have turned into terrific adults. My wife is 49 and she is beautiful and sexy. She often gets mistaken for someone who is mid 30's. She looks that great. We have a great life. I have a successful career. And get this....we even have a pretty good sex life. After reading this you would think that I should be the happiest, most content guy around.....right? Wrong, I am extremely restless..... kind of missing that 'passion' that you speak about. As much as you say its not related to sexual passion I think you need to search deep down and I think you will find thats it is related to sexual passion that you are missing. My situation my be slightly different. My wife was my one and only. I was her one and only. I never 'sowed my wild oats' or experienced the 'chase' before I got married. I had this litle voice telling me to slow down and not get married so young but I didn't listen. My wife was beautiful, stable, good head on her shoulders....excellent wifey material. How could I not marry her??? I should have listened to that little voice because now 30 years later I feel like a missed a big part of my younger years. I am deeply regretting that I missed 'sowing my wild oats' and missed the 'chase'. I struggle very day of the week about whether I should just up and leave and o experience life on my own. The thing that keeps me hanging in there is the fact that my leaving won't just impact me. It will impact my wife, my children, family and friends, I almost look at it as being very selfish. I would be impacting many lives just to satisfy this urge that I have. Personally I think what you are going through is a mid life evaluation and I think it relates to the fact that you may have married your wife for the wrong reasons to begin with....kind of like I did. The big question now is...do we hang in there to preserve the life and relationships that we have built since we have been married....or do we risk throwing it all away for something that we aren't sure about?????? No easy answer here.........

[That Emotion]

I think we are all having a hard time believing you married a woman whom you had ZERO ZILCH NADA passion for from the getgo. If you loved her as a person...well that in itself is being passionate about something. Loving someone is a powerful thing.

 

Honestly reflect on whether this was true or not. You did make babies with her, no? Was there never any chemistry either? Or are you using these two words chemistry and passion interchangeably? This is important.

 

Thank you for your response AM!

 

Yeah, I get that you and others have a hard time believing. Making love to a woman doesn't necessarily mean a man has to be madly in love with her. Plus, I have a feeling that my situation isn't quite as unique as you might think.

 

Chemistry and passion being used interchangeably? I don't think I ever said the word chemistry.

 

As far as passion from when the W and I first started seeing each other, I think I said this before too, I loved who she was as a person. Steady, and stable. A good woman. That's what it was about for me then. It was never an all consuming desire or passion. It was never that emotion.

 

OK.. then I guess My next question to you is why did not having the passion with your wife really matter but now passion matters? Is it becuase you never felt it before and it's a new feeling for you brought out by this OW?

 

Mea:)

 

Excellent question. Thank you. You're going to hate my shallow answer, but... it is what it is. I definitely have felt this way before. In my early twenties, I had some relationships with gorgeous, way out of my league women. All of them had some kind of malfunction... depression, diva issues, would flip out easily, etc... that caused serious problems in our relationship.

 

Yes, I liked the fact that a very attractive woman, one who could have their pick, could be so in to me. Some of you might label it as a sex thing, and the sex is part of it, but it's really something more transcendent. But, they all had friggin issues and I am not into the drama.

 

So I settled. I'm sorry if that seems shallow, but it is the simple truth.

 

Personally I think what you are going through is a mid life evaluation and I think it relates to the fact that you may have married your wife for the wrong reasons to begin with....kind of like I did.

 

Yeah Dave, I messed up. Big time.

 

The big question now is...do we hang in there to preserve the life and relationships that we have built since we have been married....or do we risk throwing it all away for something that we aren't sure about?????? No easy answer here.........

 

For me, breaking the commitment and leaving, it's just wrong. A man doesn't do that. A man stands by his vows. However, this thing is so powerful, I think more so now than it was back then, that I'm reeling about the fact that I've locked myself in to a place where I can't have it. The dichotomy is torturous. I don't want to leave or hurt anyone, but I don't want to exist without that emotion.

[LavendarGirl]

I definitely have felt this way before. In my early twenties, I had some relationships with gorgeous, way out of my league women. All of them had some kind of malfunction... depression, diva issues, would flip out easily, etc... that caused serious problems in our relationship.

 

Yes, I liked the fact that a very attractive woman, one who could have their pick, could be so in to me.

 

Hmmm. Okay, so there's an erotic thrill that you connect with very attractive women, the kind as you put it, are out of your league. Perhaps it was that ego tickle that spurred you on. The challenge of having a super pretty GF to keep content, the drama and being on the edge with no stability of knowing if that GF will stick around to see next week, etc.

 

So, your recent Internet OW, did she feel to be out of your league akin to the women you dated before you got married? Was your Internet OW also overly dramatic? I would imagine the A in itself (having to hide/lie) can be that sort of drama that you miss but swear you don't.

[Meaplus3]

 

 

Excellent question. Thank you. You're going to hate my shallow answer, but... it is what it is. I definitely have felt this way before. In my early twenties, I had some relationships with gorgeous, way out of my league women. All of them had some kind of malfunction... depression, diva issues, would flip out easily, etc... that caused serious problems in our relationship.

 

Everyone has some issues Emotion.. there is NO perfect person. I assume it was the fault of the woman here for the R's to not work??

 

So I settled. I'm sorry if that seems shallow, but it is the simple truth.

 

Then it looks like to me you created your own monster here Emotion. I mean setteling? Is that really fair to your wife? You should have gone after what you wanted from the start.. and if you did not find it right away then kept looking. So now you are going to have to decide if you can live like this and stay in "Settle" mode or be unhappy as it sounds your are or try and create some passion in your marriage. You should consider MC.

 

Mea:)

[That Emotion]

Maybe, LG. I don't know. I've reflected on that and I really don't know.

 

I certainly wouldn't have thought I missed the drama that was previously attached to it this type of thing. Plus, something that I didn't feel in the past, that came now, is all the inspiration. I'm telling you, I've been motivated to make improvements in my life, and I've been so much more empathetic and sympathetic toward others. That never occured before.

 

So, I don't know.

 

 

Thanks Mea. You're right. I am not placing blame on other women I had been with. That's not my intent. I make no excuses for myself. I take full responsibility. But that doesn't change my situation. And yes, I am considering. The whole purpose of my existence on this board is to consider.

[Meaplus3]

 

Thanks Mea. You're right. I am not placing blame on other women I had been with. That's not my intent. I make no excuses for myself. I take full responsibility. But that doesn't change my situation. And yes, I am considering. The whole purpose of my existence on this board is to consider.

 

Then keep posting and reading. You have come to a great place to help sort this out. You will find your answer..sometimes it just takes awhile. Best wishes.

 

Mea:)

[LovieDove24]

The reason I asked about chemistry vs. passion is because for me, you cant have one without the other when it comes to relationships. In my opinion, passion arises from those chemistry filled kisses and the butterflies you feel when you talk to that person. The chemistry is explosive, something you definitely dont have with a mere friend and it envokes a passion like you've never felt before. I was trying to see if you share this same sentiment as me.

 

If you agree with what I said above, can you say you never had chemistry with your wife either? No passion, no chemistry?

 

I am very interested in your post, That Emotion. I'd like to help you get to the bottom of this. I think at one point in time everyone will struggle between passion versus practicality. I tend to go with my heart most of the time but I cant say that doesnt have its fair share of struggles as well...

[DavNY]

 

For me, breaking the commitment and leaving, it's just wrong. A man doesn't do that.

 

Then if leaving isn't an option then you need to learn how to build that passion with your wife otherwise you are just torturing yourself. Its that simple.

 

My personally. I am working hard to teach myself to appreciate and nurture the things that I do have, instead of dwelling on the things that I don't have or may have missed. Don't get me wrong, I don't have this thing conquered by any stretch, but I seem to be dealing with it better. Maybe you should try this approach.

[That Emotion]

Then keep posting and reading. You have come to a great place to help sort this out. You will find your answer..sometimes it just takes awhile. Best wishes.

 

Mea:)

 

Thank you Mea!

 

The reason I asked about chemistry vs. passion is because for me, you cant have one without the other when it comes to relationships. In my opinion, passion arises from those chemistry filled kisses and the butterflies you feel when you talk to that person. The chemistry is explosive, something you definitely dont have with a mere friend and it envokes a passion like you've never felt before. I was trying to see if you share this same sentiment as me.

 

If you agree with what I said above, can you say you never had chemistry with your wife either? No passion, no chemistry?

 

I am very interested in your post, That Emotion. I'd like to help you get to the bottom of this. I think at one point in time everyone will struggle between passion versus practicality. I tend to go with my heart most of the time but I cant say that doesnt have its fair share of struggles as well...

 

AM, I really appreciate the sincerity in your post here. Thank you.

 

Yes I agree. Chemistry, as you descibe it, I might describe it a little differently, but as you descibe it, I would have to say no. I never had that anxiety of the next call or the next contact with her.

 

Honestly, back then, I didn't understand how important those things are. I always thought of them as being uncomfortable. I didn't have a coach for this kind of thing, and there was no information is so readily available. The younger generation is so much more enlightened nowadays.

[That Emotion]

Then if leaving isn't an option.

I never said it wasn't option. I merely told you how I think it is wrong.

[GoodOnPaper]

I think we are all having a hard time believing you married a woman whom you had ZERO ZILCH NADA passion for from the getgo.

 

I believe this entirely -- happen to be in a similar situation myself. It's easy to think that something will click when you move on to the next stage in life, so you get married, have kids, etc., but if nothing does click . . .

 

TE, Saville's advice cannot be emphasized enough. If this passion you have awakened to is part of real emotional growth, then you'll be able to find some way to direct it toward other areas of your life while you sort things out about your marriage. Best of luck.

[That Emotion]

I don't think I can just easily dig up that emotion and apply to anything I wish. I really find that concept strange. That's like saying since you can fall in love with a woman, you can also fall in love with a rock. It isn't making any sense at all to me. Seems more like you're suggesting a substitute for the real thing. I don't think I could fool myself like that. Franky, I don't think I'd want to. It would be a lie.

[OpenBook]

I don't think I can just easily dig up that emotion and apply to anything I wish. I really find that concept strange. That's like saying since you can fall in love with a woman, you can also fall in love with a rock. It isn't making any sense at all to me. Seems more like you're suggesting a substitute for the real thing. I don't think I could fool myself like that. Franky, I don't think I'd want to. It would be a lie.

 

But - you basically did that with your online fling! Your attraction to her wasn't based on reality. The only things you knew about her were what she told you. You didn't know any of her family or friends, you never witnessed yourself what her life was like. You never even met her in the flesh, for Pete's sake!! It was all a fantasy that you built up yourself, and projected onto her. You DID "fall in love with a rock"!! She might as well have been a wind-up plastic blowup doll. Or one of those Telephone Chat services they advertise late at night on TV. ("Beautiful girls are waiting for your call." Yeah right.)

 

I don't think you're seeing this thing realistically. Can you step away from all of it for awhile? I hope you don't do anything rash (like, separate from your W, or hurt her in any way) while you sort through it. Having someone who adores you and takes good care of you is a rare and precious thing, and I think you'd be foolish to throw it away for a fantasy life that's all in your head... at least until you know exactly what you want, where you're at now, and where you want to be.

 

I think IC with an older, experienced, married MALE therapist would be the ticket for you. Having been through it himself, he could give you some valuable perspective and insight.

[LovieDove24]

I don't think I can just easily dig up that emotion and apply to anything I wish. I really find that concept strange. That's like saying since you can fall in love with a woman, you can also fall in love with a rock. It isn't making any sense at all to me. Seems more like you're suggesting a substitute for the real thing. I don't think I could fool myself like that. Franky, I don't think I'd want to. It would be a lie.

 

It sounds like you already have your mind made up. Either that or you're just overly defensive. So what is your next move?

[Saville]

I remember when I was young and older people would say to me with a smile "That is a young point of view, you'll think differently when you get older." That you used to make me mad, and I would rail at their condescension. As I got a little older, I probably used that expression myself:o, but as I got older still I realized that much of what I believed as a young person was actually pretty solid. Back then, I thought people should follow their hearts, treat people well, do a job they really liked and live simply. It was intuitive knowledge, young, but I don't think naive. Later on, when life didn't quite work out as I had hoped the cynicism began to cloak everything and that joy of simply being alive faded into bills, work stress, family stress, etc. Well, that's life right? I would say...wrong, and so does our so called mid-life crisis. People view the mid-life crisis as though it is some adolescent fancy that people at that stage of life harbour; this is condescension. It denies a powerful feeling that we have inside, and makes light of an almost universal phenomenon. There are cultures in the world where this "crisis" is actually seen as an evolution of one's spirit, an opening up of a person. Isn't it OK to have powerful feelings at the age of 40 or 50? Are powerful feelings only valid when we are teens or twenty somethings? Of course not, that would be ridiculous and a diminution of ourselves as living beings. It is the repression of these feelings which is wrong and in the end can lead to disaster, or, at the very least, a complacent misery.

 

People may buy corvettes, or dye their hair, or have an affair, but this will neither pay hommage to "the emotion," nor sustain it. Hearken back to when you were young...what was it that was important to you? It is a getting back to a time when things were simpler and decisions were based upon intuitive desire. Now, we older, and hopefully wiser, this intuitive desire can be a great catalyst for internal and external change. How much good work is being done around the world by people who are forty and up, who just suddenly got it! They were like you and me. They woke up one day, got a rush of emotion from some catalyst or another and then began to forge another road for themselves. What could more important than that?

 

Finding a person who brings that out in you is great, and in your case I would say actually important. You needed waking up and you were. Awesome! But, now that you know the power of such a miraculous feeling...what will you do? Boinking is fine and important, but is that what your spirit is telling you is the crux of this emotion?

 

Saville

[stillafool]

Ah, Passion. Indeed there is nothing in this whole world like it. It cannot be bought or sold but is a gift from God. Okay, I'll wake up now. OP I'm sorry I didn't read this entire thread. I know passion well. However, I don't believe you need it to love someone. So many people marry without that passionately loving feeling toward their spouse and later regret it. Not having passion in a relationship does not mean you can't love your spouse or have a healthy sex life. You just don't reach that high level of emotion with that person which can be so intoxicating. When we are young and meet someone we have those feelings with we feel we can walk away and will find it again. It is not that easy. You are not alone as so many people "settle" when they marry. There are so many people who marry a person because they have great job, the right pedigree and generally are great people. But, you may not have that deep desire that for me only passion can bring. You can have a normal, happy marriage without passion though. I don't think if you have never felt it for your wife that you ever will. But, I do think you can put it out of your mind and still have a happy marriage. Even if you left your wife in search of passion there are no guarantees that you will ever find and experience it again.

[2sure]

I have a thought , or maybe a question.

 

You have previously implied that you have made many attempts or suggestions to your wife, over the years, to "spice up" your sex life. And she has not been open to that. You go so far as to say that she said she was open to some exploration before you married, but then was not.

 

This would bother me. A lot. Sex, exploration, etc... is for me, an important part of chemistry, intimacy, passion, and life. I could not be partnered with someone who was not open minded. Just the way I am.

 

You have made requests and suggestions to your wife and so far she has shown no interest. And now, here you are, on the brink . Does she know you are on the brink?? She should.

 

I can understand her not wanting to explore this passion with you as far as possibly being sexually conservative ...but really, unless she has some history of abuse...what is preventing her from opening up? Even if just for you. Ive tried things that didnt much interest me just because my husband was into it, because I love him and I indulge him - as he does me.

 

If she realizes her marriage is on the line here, and that becoming open to sexual exploration might help - she might. And if she tries, she might find she likes it.

 

I think you should lay it all out.

[carhill]

For the women here....the OP has stated that, either through osmosis or his own admission to her, his wife knows he doesn't feel *that way* about her. As women, would this "color" your emotional dynamic?

 

I can say, from my own experiences, later confirmed by my wife in MC, that my instinct about her not feeling *that way* about me colored my "love" for her even when I was totally "into" her. I often (not always) felt the sex wasn't "honest".

 

OP, you say you love your wife but don't feel that "passion" for her. You say she adores you but does appear distant in some ways. Is that right? Tell me, when you found out the reality of this OW and she moved on, did the passion die, or does it remain? If the latter, based on your postings, that would indicate it remains and is non-specific, as you feel no "connection" to the OW.

 

My circumstances are far different, but I can tell you that MC did help me with my own version of this "crisis" and I think it will help you. Interestingly, we did have a psychologist who was exactly what OpenBook suggested, older and male. It was a perfect fit, though it was not purposeful. I learned so much from him.

 

You have an opportunity here. Hope it works out for you