What Have You Learned?

[kizik]

It's my opinion that we can always put a positive spin on things. When my ex made it clear she didn't want to continue the R, I felt then and for some time after that I couldn't go on. I wanted to die.

 

But I made it, and here are some things I learned along the way:

 

• I can handle anything you throw my way.
  
• I am just fine the way I am. I don't want to change, and if you want to change me - see ya!
  
• I can walk away from people that don't want me. No bugging, calling, stalking. Just walk away.
  
• I still love people, as much as they sometimes disappoint.
  

I'm going to stop there and ask y'all to list some things you have learned. The point is to illuminate a light at the end of this terrible tunnel.

[calculus]

Taking my time to get to know the person. Looking back at it, I felt it was rushed through and even at the beginning of the relationship I thought it was moving a bit too quickly.

 

Also learned about keeping my emotions in check and not acting on it every chance I have.

[Tinkerbelll]

I've learned:

 

-That I am much more than what goes around me.

 

-That I have an invincible inner strenght.

 

-That can find beauty also in hell.

 

-That I am a complete person even alone.

[Trialbyfire]

I have learned to once again rely on my gut instinct. No matter how glorious a peacock fans his tail and struts, he's still a peacock!

[OpenBook]

I've learned not to assume ANYTHING about what others think of me. Whenever I actually find out, it usually surprises the hell out of me. I would've never guessed.

 

I've also learned that there are at least 13 sides to every story: yours, mine, the 10 others who witnessed it -- and what actually happened. Each person's perception is different.

[Joker77]

I've learned that since the death of my father five years ago, I can handle just about anything. I have my bad days like anyone else, but if I can get get through the grieving process that I had for almost two years after he passed away, getting dumped by someone who doesn't want me is nothing.

[openbook08]

I've learned not to assume ANYTHING about what others think of me. Whenever I actually find out, it usually surprises the hell out of me. I would've never guessed.

 

oh hello another openbook!!

 

its funny what you said above...this is a huge lesson Ive learnt. I always thought I was the one people were lookin at while people said "what is HE doing with HER?" whereas Ive since learnt it was very much the opposite and theres a lot of people out there that really care about me & like me but could never show it because they assumed I mustve been crazy to be with him. Im even talking about some of his closest friends!

 

Ive also learnt that I am a lot stronger than I thought. If you had forewarned me this was gonna happen I wouldve said plan my funeral. Yet I found a strength I never knew I had, same as you Kizik, I walked away - no begging, no crying, no going to pieces (well not in front of him anyway!!) I thought he was the best I could do. That scares me. Im worth so much more.

 

Ive learnt to love myself. well....like myself. without anyones help or validation. its a slow process but Im getting there.

 

When I was with him I used to cry that I had no friends, since the break up Ive found that not only was that ridiculous but I think I may actually have the BEST group of friends ever (yup in the whole wide world!!) and a lot more than I ever thought. On the same note, I dont deserve them. I neglected them while I was with him. I let his prejudices and insecurities stop me from 'living'. I too became insecure.

 

My family - WOW. thats all I can say. They picked me up off the ground. Looking back I can see the hurt in my Mams eyes watching me go through such pain. She still picks me up , I still stumble. Theyll always be there for me even when I cant stop crying cos my heart still hurts. Theyll give me the time to heal that perhaps, understandably, friends may not be able for.

 

and Ive learnt that often a strangers words or thoughts can help in a way theyll never know, so thanks to all of you for listening and posting.

 

2009 here I come!

[Trialbyfire]

This is something that everyone does. They wonder what their ex is thinking. About 99% of the time, they're wrong.

[johan]

I've learned that people will break their own "rules" with very little enticement.

 

I've learned that when someone tells me they've learned a big lesson and there are some things they won't stand for or will never do again, that they are really telling me they wish they could learn those things. But it doesn't even take the "right" person to come along and make them act as if they've never learned anything at all.

 

I've learned not to trust the judgment of people who say "never" or "always".

 

I've learned that people who go out of their way to proclaim that they've dealt with something once and for all, are still dealing with whatever it is.

[EmperorR]

- Not to change for anyone, next person will have to accept me the way I am

 

- never to give up my friends for anyone

 

- if i ever get dump again, do nc for the start and never look back, instead of begging and pleading

 

- put myself first

 

- relationships are 50/50 my ex never scarified yet I always did

 

- if i feel like its not clicking end it, I should have with my ex long ago but I was afraid of hurting her

 

- why hate?, I tend not to hate anyone anymore, my ex fiance cheated on me dumped me humilated me adn I still can't hate her, so why should I hate someone I barely know?

 

 

- i've learnt actions speak louder than words

 

- to not trust so fully so easily

[Surfer Dude]

I learned:

 

 

• to trust my instinct about people, to never disregard my gut feeling
  
• people don't change easily, find either someone who's compatible with you or don't waste your time
  
• that life is actually beautiful even when I'm single and that I don't need anyone to make me happy
  
• to NEVER ignore any signs of craziness and other red flags
  
• that I love myself the way I am and I don't need to change for anyone
  

[Trialbyfire]

There's no need to change for anyone but if you want a functional relationship, you'd better be prepared to compromise and roll over, some of the time. If your relationship entails constantly compromising and rolling over, then you've picked the wrong mate.

[Just_dealin_with_it]

People come into you life to provide experiences. When a relationship ends, so too does that experience. Just like any moment in time that passes us by, once it's gone, it's gone. Experiences can be bad or good, but either way, you learn to live with them, and in many cases you appreciate those experiences because they brought you joy or you learned something important from them. The same could be applied to old relationships. Try to appreciate what was good about them, learn from the reasons why it ended, and apply it to the next relationship. Forgive yourself for whatever role you played in the demise of the relationship; forgive the other person too. Most importantly, accept that the relationship has ended and be open to learning from new experiences.

[kizik]

People come into you life to provide experiences. When a relationship ends, so too does that experience. Just like any moment in time that passes us by, once it's gone, it's gone. Experiences can be bad or good, but either way, you learn to live with them, and in many cases you appreciate those experiences because they brought you joy or you learned something important from them. The same could be applied to old relationships. Try to appreciate what was good about them, learn from the reasons why it ended, and apply it to the next relationship. Forgive yourself for whatever role you played in the demise of the relationship; forgive the other person too. Most importantly, accept that the relationship has ended and be open to learning from new experiences.

 

Great post

[OpenBook]

oh hello another openbook!!

 

Ditto!! :D And I hear ya on the life lessons. I just wish we didn't have to go through all that friggin' PAIN in order to learn them. Sigh.

[ioncebelieved]

People come into you life to provide experiences. When a relationship ends, so too does that experience. Just like any moment in time that passes us by, once it's gone, it's gone. Experiences can be bad or good, but either way, you learn to live with them, and in many cases you appreciate those experiences because they brought you joy or you learned something important from them. The same could be applied to old relationships. Try to appreciate what was good about them, learn from the reasons why it ended, and apply it to the next relationship. Forgive yourself for whatever role you played in the demise of the relationship; forgive the other person too. Most importantly, accept that the relationship has ended and be open to learning from new experiences.

Interesting perspective. Sucks knowing that your ex was like a movie. A drama of sorts, it had it's good parts and bad parts. Now the flick is over! Nonetheless, nice addition.

[Trialbyfire]

Just dealin with it, that is a good perspective. I think everyone, including myself, sometimes forget that the number of good times usually exceeded the bad times.

 

If you can, try to learn something worthwhile from each experience. When you've truly moved on, you can also look to the good memories and be glad you had them.

 

If you hold grudges, resentment and anger, it will only embitter you. Either talk it out and let it go, or just let it go.

[Hersheys]

I learned:

 

- that you can never force someone to love you or want to be with you

- at the very first signs of games, red flags or mindf***, I better hurry up , leave and never look back

- to never settle for "let's be friends"

- that silence is golden

- to know when I will only be used or taken advantaged of

- that I was better of when I was alone

- that there are others out there who are going through greater hardships

- to overcome a breakup with dignity

[MWH]

I have learned:

 

- to trust my instincts. I have more wisdom then I gve myself credit for.

 

- to believe what they DO not what they SAY they will do. Talk is cheap.

 

- that my dignity and honor has great value and to sacrifice them comes at a great price.

 

- that I am a damn good man and treat my partner very well.

 

- that I am tough as nails and strong as an Ox.

 

- that a person has to help themselves- you can't do it for them.

 

- that love in a two-way street.

 

 

I wonder what this list will look like six months from now?

 

 

Peace all!

 

MWH

[northstar1]

People come into you life to provide experiences. When a relationship ends, so too does that experience. Just like any moment in time that passes us by, once it's gone, it's gone. Experiences can be bad or good, but either way, you learn to live with them, and in many cases you appreciate those experiences because they brought you joy or you learned something important from them. The same could be applied to old relationships. Try to appreciate what was good about them, learn from the reasons why it ended, and apply it to the next relationship. Forgive yourself for whatever role you played in the demise of the relationship; forgive the other person too. Most importantly, accept that the relationship has ended and be open to learning from new experiences.

 

 

This is a great quote...........it pretty much summarizes everything.

It's too easy to try and hang onto the feelings that existed while the relationship ended, and to question "How Can they not love me anymore, or why don't they miss me?"

 

Time is linear, things happen in our lives, things end, but living doesn't.

[Trialbyfire]

One rant for this thread. People view relationships that don't work, as failures. It takes one massive ego to believe that!!!!

 

I've learned never to trust someone who cannot appreciate an experience for what it's worth and cycles through failure in their lives.

[Just_dealin_with_it]

One rant for this thread. People view relationships that don't work, as failures. It takes one massive ego to believe that!!!!

 

I've learned never to trust someone who cannot appreciate an experience for what it's worth and cycles through failure in their lives.

 

 

I think this is an important point! What many people do not realize (at least initially) is that they view the ending of a relationship as a failure in their life. I was right there when my previous relationship ended. This way of thinking only enables you to accept all the blame for why the relationship ended. It prevents you from learning or getting anything out the relationship because you have accepted responsibility for it's demise. Again, if you can muster the wherewithal to view the relationship as an experience, rather than a failure or a loss, you'll realize that you've learned all that you can from this person right now. To view the end of a relationship as a total failure, as Trialbyfire said, it takes one massive ego. If you can gain something from each experience, then where is the failure?

 

For those who had relationships end suddenly or had someone cheat on them, it's important not to take the blame for this either. It's not your fault. The reasons people chose to behave this way is not due to your shortcomings or inadequacies; its due to theirs. Try to keep in mind that these are not actions done to you, but rather done by them. Not taking responsibility for these behaviors you had no control over is an important step in accepting and moving on from situations that can be devastating otherwise.

[Trialbyfire]

While there's a part of me that would rather take the little blue pill to avoid the pain of break up, without these experiences, how can anyone possibly know who's compatible with them? In order to know what to change or accept about yourself, you have to have the experiences.

 

I think it's a matter of not being trapped in the moment. If you're spinning in regret and golden memories, not good. If you're spinning in anger and hatred, once again, not good. As you move on, many of these emotions will cycle through you. As long as you keep on moving past each cycle, you'll be okay. Once you're past the cycles, time to review both sides of the issue and rebalance! Don't self-flagellate...LEARN!

[LiveandLearn]

I think this is an important point! What many people do not realize (at least initially) is that they view the ending of a relationship as a failure in their life. I was right there when my previous relationship ended. This way of thinking only enables you to accept all the blame for why the relationship ended. It prevents you from learning or getting anything out the relationship because you have accepted responsibility for it's demise. Again, if you can muster the wherewithal to view the relationship as an experience, rather than a failure or a loss, you'll realize that you've learned all that you can from this person right now. To view the end of a relationship as a total failure, as Trialbyfire said, it takes one massive ego. If you can gain something from each experience, then where is the failure?

 

For those who had relationships end suddenly or had someone cheat on them, it's important not to take the blame for this either. It's not your fault. The reasons people chose to behave this way is not due to your shortcomings or inadequacies; its due to theirs. Try to keep in mind that these are not actions done to you, but rather done by them. Not taking responsibility for these behaviors you had no control over is an important step in accepting and moving on from situations that can be devastating otherwise.

 

Reading this helps, immensely. As well as your posts TBF. Sometimes it's difficult to steer your way out of thinking negatively and playing the blame game. But as long as we can remember this great advice, the healing process can be a tad easier

[fral945]

What I’ve learned:

 

1) There are a lot of flakes in the dating world, so don't get your hopes up too quickly

2) Try to meet actual needs and wants and not what you would want if you were in their shoes. You don't have to understand the opposite sex to make them happy

3) Being single beats being taken and miserable

4) Every woman under the age of 30 texts