Confused4Now Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 It becoming more and more important to me the lies have to stop... more so then anything above else. More so than filing divorce papers, telling the adult kids, removing the H out of the house. Don't you ever get tired of the lies? Have you ever felt that this was above everything else?
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Your MW, like Stampdaddy's MW, has become an excellent liar. I said this on your other thread. Not only has she got that down well, she also knows manipulation - How to pour on the tears when she needs to, so she'll get her way, or make you feel sorry for her, to keep you hanging on abit longer. This is why you need to cut yourself OUT of her life and not be around at all UNTIL the D is final. You don't need to hear details of why "today" she didn't talk to her husband about divorcing..Or why she and her husband went to a family outing together, or a movie..Either way, this has to be done on her time frame, especially since you say her husband is abusive.
Myusername Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I was an OW for several years, on and off, much to my guilt and disgust. The thing I hated the most outside of my own guilt and moral dilemnas, was the lies HE had to tell or chose to tell to his wife, friends, family. We did not see eachother much, very rarely, but still I knew that by being with me, he was lying to her and that made me horrible sick. I was way more worried about her than he was, though their marriage was in big trouble and she had cheated on him (so he said). I could not bear that he was lying to someone, telling me I love you and telling her lord knows what. I was not the married person, so I was not having to lie to anyone in that way. I could not live that way. So from another perspective, yes the lies, no matter what are horrendous. Affairs are tremendously hurtful to way more people than you would think. Myusername
bentnotbroken Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 The lies are emotional abuse as far as I am concerned. Mr. Messy didn't just lie to me, he lied to our children, our family and our friends. That says a lot about his character and the person I was really married to.
herenow Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I don't know much about this story, but I think you divorced your wife after the affair had already started. If I'm wrong please disregard this question. Have you been honest with your wife about having an affair while you were still married? If you don't want anymore lies, you should be honest with her as well.
Author Confused4Now Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 I don't know much about this story, but I think you divorced your wife after the affair had already started. If I'm wrong please disregard this question. Have you been honest with your wife about having an affair while you were still married? If you don't want anymore lies, you should be honest with her as well. Yes my wife was informed of the affair. I was in a dead marriage.
Reggie Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 It becoming more and more important to me the lies have to stop... more so then anything above else. More so than filing divorce papers, telling the adult kids, removing the H out of the house. Don't you ever get tired of the lies? Have you ever felt that this was above everything else? I'm surprised all the lying was not enough to turn you off in the first place. What took so long? What is it about a lying romantic partner that attracted you. Healthy folks avoid liars.
Author Confused4Now Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 I'm surprised all the lying was not enough to turn you off in the first place. What took so long? What is it about a lying romantic partner that attracted you. Healthy folks avoid liars. Maybe cause we were or both married and we're trying to get to a place so we don't have to lie? hence why this is called OM/OW forum. Isn't this forum mostly about lies?
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Confused, you left your marriage, this woman hasn't. She says she is, but she hasn't. I guess time will tell.. How long do you intend on waiting? I mean, what if she is still with her husband by Spring or summertime? What if she tells you she needs more because of excuse number 1, 2 or 3?
Author Confused4Now Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Confused, you left your marriage, this woman hasn't. She says she is, but she hasn't. I guess time will tell.. How long do you intend on waiting? I mean, what if she is still with her husband by Spring or summertime? What if she tells you she needs more because of excuse number 1, 2 or 3? There is one thing for sure...I'm no Stampdaddy....I will not have a year like 2008 again in 2009. Screw that... He's moved out officially Saturday night and given her the key back to the house. Now I'm waiting on her to file the papers. She will tell her kids in the next couple of weeks I guess. I made it clear to her...don't come back until you can come into my life without lying and I meant it. What does it mean when you feel you're in the drivers seat? Maybe the fog is lifting or I'm just tired of all the drama?
bentnotbroken Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Or maybe you are just about to be run over by life.
Author Confused4Now Posted March 16, 2009 Author Posted March 16, 2009 Confused, you left your marriage, this woman hasn't. She says she is, but she hasn't. I guess time will tell.. How long do you intend on waiting? I mean, what if she is still with her husband by Spring or summertime? What if she tells you she needs more because of excuse number 1, 2 or 3? Well my divorce papers have been signed and as soon as they get filed I'll be a free man. Technically I am already. As for my MW her H been out of the house since after Christmas. Since he's a Abuser(charmer) I'm sure he's always pumping something in her head to try to get his way back in.....I've caught her in lies again regarding her contact with him ...as a sign of good Faith I asked her for her cell phone statement for the last 2 or 3 months since he moved out. I told her let's really see how much she really talks to him. She pretty much blew me off saying she's just tired of men period. HEEHHEE... So I begun NC again for who knows how many times already, but my contact with her has been very limited anyway. No lost there really.... she has issues and so do I....so I need to fix this addiction. stay tuned...
penumbra Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Since he's a Abuser(charmer) I'm sure he's always pumping something in her head to try to get his way back in......... she has issues and so do I....so I need to fix this addiction. stay tuned... Hi Confused, I don't know your story very well and I am quite new here, but having been with more than one Abuser, I can say that your MW is probably hopelessly torn and confused by his manipulation in the form of gaslighting, threats, charm/withdrawal of affection, etc. It is very likely that you appeared as a bright spot, a way to escape the abuse. I know it is easy for others to judge from the sidelines and make attacks on this woman's character, etc., but having been there, I can say that meeting someone who (apparently) treated me well was the wake-up call I needed to help me out of the situation I was mired in. It provided a contrast to my abusive situation so that I could see just how harmful it was. The concern I would have, of course, would be the intentions both of you for the R... And whether or not your expectations are closely matched; that is, if there are any true expectations at all, in the midst of the confusion. Is she just using this situation as a taxi-ride out of an abusive situation (i.e, "Tired of men" statement)? Will she need time and space to clear her heart and head after the damaging effects of abusive circumstances (YES! And therapy, too). What are your intentions for the relationship, and why do you think you have the inclination to fall into this "addictive" situation? It is so easy to become caught up in focusing on the other individual and his/her issues... What is the learning opportunity here, for yourself?
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 .....I've caught her in lies again regarding her contact with him ... Are you surprised? She all along has been lying and deceiving her huband, (and also remember, not too long ago she threw YOU under the bus) so what makes you think she wouldn't ever lie/deceive you? Or omits truths? as a sign of good Faith I asked her for her cell phone statement for the last 2 or 3 months since he moved out. I told her let's really see how much she really talks to him. She pretty much blew me off saying she's just tired of men period Ofcourse she blew you off. She doesn't really "owe" you committment, let alone the right for you to check up on her and check her cell phone records to see if she's telling the truth or not. Whatever you two shared during the affair is NOT happening now. I can see resentments and more lies being built - And those are reasons enough to recognize red flags - Her behaviour, her way of being (lying, deceiving etc) is part of who she is. Abuse or not, this woman is not in a good frame of mind, let alone healthy enough to have another relationship. Him being out of the house for 2 months isn't DIVORCED. She isn't free. Focus on healing and moving on with your life. She needs to do that as well.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Of course she blew you off. She doesn't really "owe" you committment, let alone the right for you to check up on her and check her cell phone records to see if she's telling the truth or not. It's interesting how affair partners struggle to define commitment especially give the hoops that they have to jump through to be together. I find it funny that, have violated the structure of their marriage(s) to be together, they often assume that their new relationship (in terms of fidelity, transparency, etc.) will have the structure of a....marriage! Doesn't make sense to me... Mr. Lucky
stampdaddy Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 There is one thing for sure...I'm no Stampdaddy.... You got that right!
Soaked Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Don't you ever get tired of the lies? Have you ever felt that this was above everything else? Yes, I really hate all the lies! right now I feel like one step froward but 2 steps back. Me and my ex MM broke up last July (we were together for 6 years), strong enough staying NC with him until last Dec. (still on NC) but, since Nov he started to sent me emails, I was strong enough to ignore it. Until last Dec, up to the very last email I was finally moving froward, feeling better not sad or angry all the time. But he wrote a extremely long email basically telling me he is "working towards me" (his exact words) and we chat on internet very briefly and since then never talk to each other again. On each contact he kept telling me over and over how he is working towards to have a real relationship with me, moving out and recognized how he hurt me. take me for granted and all that. And he just want to know if he is available I will give him a chance and how he is ready to be with me and all that. I didn't quite buy it and told him I don't know, and it's unfair he asked me now and sent me the email. However, deep inside me I couldn't help to have that little hope... hope he is really change and this time he is going to live his words not just talk the talk. And same old story I think happened to this board a lot.. just very recently, I found out everything once again just a BIG lies...nothing is like what he told me and now I am all hurt.. feel very stupid to have the hope, pain and angry again. I simply don't understand why and how can a person kept hurting others like this?? While he knew how much I loved him once? How can anyone bare to do this to another person? Some times I felt like to just froward his emails to me to his wife.. Since his wife is working so hard to change herself to please him. But I know I shouldn't.... since that's not my place. So now, after 5 months therapy, healing I am back to square one again.... I haven't be able to stop crying all day lately, every once and while during the day at work, I have to step outside just to cry a little. Just really can hardly living in this pain ... I want to shout at him, and ask him why? how can he live like this? Doesn't he feel just a even a bit of guilt? I know I won't get any answer from him even if I could've ask and shout at him... just really tried to live in all these lies and false hope.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 c4n you are no knight in shining armor. You and her both broke up your marriages as dead as they were, so you claim, and for what? You and her arent even long term material. All that damage for nothing, you cant trust her because she's lying to you, but if she lied to her husband what makes you think she'll be faithful to you. lol. Good luck with that. If she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you as well.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Soaked, can I ask you something? You were in NC mode with your MM, why didn't you block his email address? Block it now and try to get back to where you were before the emails. And forget forwarding the emails to his wife. All that will do in bring alot more pain and drama into your life. Keep doing therapy and just know that once you decide NOT to let this get you down, take control back, you'll be fine. This guy isn't worth ANY of your tears!
Soaked Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 whichwayisup, I did and he used a different email address I never know and got me. and thank you for your advice, I will.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 You're welcome. Close your email account and open a new one. Problem solved! And once you close that email account, NEVER ever open it or look back.
Soaked Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Unfortunately there are so many thing tie to my email account, it will be a mess to change/close it. so far now i block the new one I didn't know from before. And I think the biggest thing is for me like you said I need to take my control back, and if I ever get another email, I should never open it just delete it right a way.
Author Confused4Now Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Hi Confused, I don't know your story very well and I am quite new here, but having been with more than one Abuser, I can say that your MW is probably hopelessly torn and confused by his manipulation in the form of gaslighting, threats, charm/withdrawal of affection, etc. This has been discussed thoroughly in my other postings about the gaslighings, charm/withdrwawal of affection, and so on It is very likely that you appeared as a bright spot, a way to escape the abuse. Again this is a true statement as she now knows in what type of marriage she is in..... I know it is easy for others to judge from the sidelines and make attacks on this woman's character, etc., but having been there, I can say that meeting someone who (apparently) treated me well was the wake-up call I needed to help me out of the situation I was mired in. I've read 5 books on Abuse and I'm fully aware of what challenges she has ahead of her and myself. It provided a contrast to my abusive situation so that I could see just how harmful it was. My concern is she's lived with it so long...she might have picked up those behaviors. At times I believe she is abusing me as well. The concern I would have, of course, would be the intentions both of you for the R... And whether or not your expectations are closely matched; that is, if there are any true expectations at all, in the midst of the confusion. If anything I feel she was the catalyst for getting me out of my marriage. I would hope to do the same for her. Would I want a future with her? YES is she a healthy person right now? NO Does she need therapy? YES Is she just using this situation as a taxi-ride out of an abusive situation (i.e, "Tired of men" statement)? Will she need time and space to clear her heart and head after the damaging effects of abusive circumstances (YES! And therapy, too). What are your intentions for the relationship, and why do you think you have the inclination to fall into this "addictive" situation? It is so easy to become caught up in focusing on the other individual and his/her issues... What is the learning opportunity here, for yourself? When I say addictive behavior its wanting her in my life so much. That I press her hard to move forward but I'm realiazing that doesn't work. So I'm taking the NC approach.. it might give me the answers I need as well as healing from both her and my ending of my marriage. I know I have baggage right now. I'm trying to get rid of most of it.
NoIDidn't Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Healthy folks avoid liars. ...like the plague! But even some of not so healthy folks avoid liars. THAT is the ultimate deal breaker for me. Not the actual unfaithfulness, but the lying that goes along with it.
NoIDidn't Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Some times I felt like to just froward his emails to me to his wife.. Since his wife is working so hard to change herself to please him. But I know I shouldn't.... since that's not my place. This kind of stuff is just sickening. I generally don't like telling the W, but I think I would in this case. She is bending over backwards to please him (does she know about the six year long affair) and he tells you about it like he likes having two women agonize over him! She deserves freedom from this *man*.
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