RecordProducer Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I think this guy is a plain old user (and a loser). He asks you to buy him a 200-dollar gift after the first date. Moroever, he demands it and asks for a good seat. No person, let alone a man, with self-respect would ever say such a thing. I think he loves to get things for free. Regarding his ex for whom he bought lots of jewelry - I think he's lying. People who are users love to brag (or make up stories) about how they spend a lot of money on others - but never on the ones they brag to! He brought the spending issue, which means it's an issue for him. It's probably the other way round: she duped him cuz she got tired of spending all her money on him. And don't be fooled by his income; he might be saving for a house and getting all the goodies with other people's money.
zenith Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 what? $200!!!!!!!! that is way too much BTW Desi, are you Asian? (South Asian?)
D-Lish Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I had to read your post twice...! I can't believe any person would ask such a thing after one date. I agree with RecordProducer... user and a loser.... so... later skater!
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 He sounds like one of my exes that my sister called 'the benevolent manipulator'. They manipulate in a very subtle, and seemingly, nice way. So nice of him to go to the trouble of sending you the link. So nice of him to agree to go with you. So nice of him to show concern about things you're interested in. Any guy who was concerned about you and about how this would appear would make sure you understood that he planned to pay you back, or he would tell you upfront that he just can't afford it but would go if you can. For him to assume that you can afford such expensive tickets is bad enough, but even if these were $50 tickets - same problem - he comes across as a user and doesn't bother to do or say anything to make sure you don't get that impression about him. He deliberately cornered you into this situation by the way he framed his questions and steered the conversation. My ex has a brother who's wealthy. His brother would always take him to football games where he had box seats, the works. Then they'd go out for drinks after the game. I once asked my ex if he ever bought drinks for his brother, or if he even offered. He said no, because his brother had money. I told him this was a really crappy attitude and that he needed to stop taking advantage of his brother. I lost a lot of respect for him over this. One time, my ex was at a bar with his friends and his brother came in with a friend (not knowing my ex was there). My ex told the waiter to put his drinks on his brother's tab. Needless to say, there's a lot of resentment between my ex and his brother nowdays. What a surprise. Unless you want to be with a man like this, drop this guy like a hot potato. Disrespect, selfishness and cheapness will always be issues with him. No matter what excuse he gives you about this situation, he's showing you his true colors and is testing you to see if he can get away with it. If you continue a relationship with this guy, don't be surprised at how difficult the relationship turns out to be. You'll continually feel disrespected and you'll see how stinginess carries over into other areas beyond money.
BoerumHill Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 $200 adds an element of chutzpah, but as someone else mentioned, it could be $40 (or $10 or whatever), the point is not the amount, but the gall of asking her to pay for her own birthday date. Anyway, kudos to the OP for wising up, and for (correctly, I believe) picking up on the rebound signals. Dump the chump and move on, thankful it ended as quickly as it did.
replicator Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Good you wised up Desi. As a guy, I can say this guy is a total loser and speaks volumes about his character. It's a good thing this happened so you can avoid wasting anymore time on this creep.
Author Desi Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Hello everyone . After reading your posts , yes im sure he is a very controlling person an if he tells me this on a second date imagine later on . Now that I recall it , he was always mentioning how we always gives "too much " in relationships and loves to shower people with gifts and would brag about how he used to buy his exes lots of presents only to be dumped afterwards , in a few words he would always complaint that he was being mistreated by girls. I should have picked this signs earlier. As mentioned several times regardless on thr amount , he shouldnt have cornered me like this. What a cheapo , I did wasted 3 months talking to him . To answer someone's quesrtion , my background is portuguese.
RecordProducer Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 $200 adds an element of chutzpah, but as someone else mentioned, it could be $40 (or $10 or whatever), the point is not the amount, I disagree. The point IS about the amount. If a guy tells me to get movie tickets, I wouldn't have a problem with that, cuz that's only $20 and it's not money, if I may bravely say so. I would also assume that he plans to spend more on dinner. The chutzpah is exactly in the amount of money.
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I disagree. The point IS about the amount. If a guy tells me to get movie tickets, I wouldn't have a problem with that, cuz that's only $20 and it's not money, if I may bravely say so. I would also assume that he plans to spend more on dinner. The chutzpah is exactly in the amount of money. That's because you were with an abusive guy for too long and your radar is still slightly off. When you reach the 'no tolerance for BS' stage, you'll know you're getting back on track.
RecordProducer Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 That's because you were with an abusive guy for too long and your radar is still slightly off. When you reach the 'no tolerance for BS' stage, you'll know you're getting back on track.Huh? I don't think I would put up with any BS in a new relationship; I just don't see buying movie tickets as BS. Do you think that a man should pay for everything? Frankly, I'd be offended if he offered to give me money and it's only $20-30. I like spontaneity.
norajane Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Huh? I don't think I would put up with any BS in a new relationship; I just don't see buying movie tickets as BS. Do you think that a man should pay for everything? Frankly, I'd be offended if he offered to give me money and it's only $20-30. I like spontaneity. I don't think the objection is that a woman shouldn't ever pay, but that he offered to take her as a birthday gift to her, then expected her to pay for it. That's not a gift to her, at that point.
Author Desi Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Reading at the last posts . I would say that I wouldnt mind buying movie tickets and popcorn and nachos and cheese for a guy , whom I know I can invest in and when he DOESNT DEMANDS that I buy them and even worse , that I get him a good seat . I think we should come back to teh fact that for these are 200 $ tickets and due to the value nobody should be pressured ever on a second date . I think the fact that he did ask that was a rude. A guy should never pay for everything , Im a firm believer that a giurl should even pay her half at dinner but this is too much . I mean he used to spend tons of $$$$$ on his ex , why cant he buy at least his own ticket ... why should I settle for this ?Its my birthday and I should be fele a little more special than this .
Angel1111 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Huh? I don't think I would put up with any BS in a new relationship; I just don't see buying movie tickets as BS. Do you think that a man should pay for everything? Frankly, I'd be offended if he offered to give me money and it's only $20-30. I like spontaneity. I think a man should have a generous spirit and I prefer the type of guys who don't like to let a woman pay. Once I made a bet with a guy I was with. The bet was that whoever lost would buy dinner. I lost the bet so I asked him where he'd like to eat. He said, "You know I'd never let you buy me dinner." I tried to insist since I lost fair and square but he wouldn't hear of it. It insulted him. Plus, he was just happy to be able to brag that I lost and he won. I like this in a guy.
Angel1111 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 RP, when your boundaries shift, you won't say 'huh?' when someone suggests that your radar is slightly off when you say that you're ok with a guy who deliberately drives a conversation in a direction that ends up having you paying for a date. He could've gone online just as easily as she could have. And, yes, in the early stages of dating, I expect the guy to pay. That may sound old fashioned to you but I learned a long time ago that it's a red flag when a guy doesn't value a woman enough to take care of her. Men typically want to do this when they care about the person they're with. It's not a woman's place to show a man that she can take care of him financially - it's his place. And when you skew those boundaries in the beginning, you actually insult him, and/or silently send the message that you're willing to be a mommy figure to him. Bad idea. I prefer to be with a man who has a generous spirit and I prefer the type of guys who don't like to let a woman pay; where it actually offends them. I once made a bet with a guy I was with. The loser would buy dinner. I lost the bet so I asked him where he'd like to eat. He laughed and said, "You know I'd never let you buy me dinner." I tried to insist since I lost the bet fair and square but he said, "That's not going to happen." It insulted him. Personally, I like this trait in a guy and I admired him for it. Plus, he was happy to gloat in the fact that I lost and he won. This brought him a lot of joy. I think what you're missing here is the same thing I missed for a time. Just by the very fact that I was in an abusive relationship told me that my boundaries were way off. It has taken some time for me to get my perspective straight. That's why I can see this in you. You haven't fully recovered and you haven't fully put your boundaries firmly in place. I went out with my 1st husband the other day. I didn't assume he would pay because we were just visiting as friends but I wasn't surprised that he insisted on paying. What did surprise me was when I thanked him, he said, "Oh, please, it's the least I could do." I thought that was a great thing to say. I like it when men act like gentlemen. My son always opens the door for me and, the other day, my sister said that she saw him opening the car door for his gf. That really made me feel good. Expect a guy to treat you like someone he values. It's not the only indicator of a good relationship but it is one of the key factors.
RecordProducer Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Angel, I always expect from a guy to pay and I even feel bad about it. I mean, it's in my genes; I will gladly do their laundry and cook for them and whatever, but they are the money spenders. And men see you as a gold digger or even as a cheap whore when you have these expectations - the same expectations that you have and call them "gentlemanship." Nowadays, a woman is branded a loser if she can't pay for herself. Men don't want to hear that you simply consider it "sweet."
Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Desi, one more vote that this guy is a user and loser. Any man or woman who demands someone else pay for their own birthday present and get good seats, should be kicked to the curb. Talk about discourteous and disrespectful. LATAH DUDE!
Angel1111 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Nowadays, a woman is branded a loser if she can't pay for herself. Men don't want to hear that you simply consider it "sweet." No, men don't brand women as losers - boys do. Little boys who want a replacement for their mommies don't even make a bleep on my radar. What and how they think is completely immaterial to me.
Author Desi Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 So what is gentlemanship then ? A guy asking me to pay for his ticket is surely not gentelmanship either! , If a man thinks that Im a cheap whore because its my birthday and I expect , yes EXPECT him to be sweet( if he is genuily interested as he says he is) has nothign to do with me being a gold-digger because God knows im not . On the same note , I would cook for a man and do laundry for him yes , but this wont be for a man that measures every penny that he spends on me. In the best relationships I would be cooking while he is folding the laundry .... what I mean here is BALANCE .
BubblyPopcorn Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 So what is gentlemanship then ? A guy asking me to pay for his ticket is surely not gentelmanship either! , If a man thinks that Im a cheap whore because its my birthday and I expect , yes EXPECT him to be sweet( if he is genuily interested as he says he is) has nothign to do with me being a gold-digger because God knows im not . On the same note , I would cook for a man and do laundry for him yes , but this wont be for a man that measures every penny that he spends on me. In the best relationships I would be cooking while he is folding the laundry .... what I mean here is BALANCE . This really shouldn't be that difficult, if you want to continue dating him but still feel his request is inappropriate, then why don't you just both buy your own ticket or do something else that's less expensive? My ex of 6 years was (I dare say the word), cheap with certain things, but he would never have asked nor expected me to pay for something like this on a second date. Our dates weren't extravagant and we didn't expect them to be either, purchases such as the one you described and the cooking and the folding of laundry came when we were IN a relationship, not this early on.
Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Desi, a gentleman is courteous and respectful. He won't do what this guy did by offering to take you out for your birthday, then expect you to book the tickets and pay for them. It doesn't matter if this is a second date or a 10 year old marriage, it's rude. Don't take this kind of backhanded slap in the face from anyone. If you look at this from a long-term perspective, imagine what he'll be like in a year, if this is how he treats you on a second date. What a cheap and rude jerk!
Nemo Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 We were discussing a function taking place next sunday which he knows I always wanted to attend and he promised me to take me there as a birthday present . I think it's pretty clear that because it is your idea, you should pay. I think it's great that he's sacrificing a lot of his valuable time just to keep you happy, though. He is committed to sharing your interests. Sounds like a keeper!
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