DSM-IV Tom Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 This is so bad. I never create topics, but rather offer help and advice to others... so for me to create a topic, well... I'm getting bad. We dated for almost a year. I thought one day I would marry this girl. (I truly believed it in the deepest parts of my mind. It wasn't superficial). I loved her to death and then one day she left. She still says she wants to get back together once her schedule clears in February, and that she can't be with any other guys. (I believe this to some extent but at the same time I don't). Every day seems to be getting a little bit harder. I can't even watch a lot of my favorite TV shows because they just remind me of the times I watched them while at her house. Have any of you gotten this bad? Let's get real. This is so bad that I feel like I can't even catch my breath to some extent. I feel like I lost my other half, and although it's been two months since I lost her, I feel the pain getting worse. It feels like the pain is an ocean, and I'm drowning in it. I can't catch my breath, and there must be weights tied to my feet, because I am only sinking further. They said time heals but it seems as if ever minute is translating to another gallon of pain for me to drown in. I'm walking on the track in reverse, and I've already lost my mind. Whenever anyone talks about ANY girl, I just think of my ex. Whenever someone says something about a female, my ex is the first that pops up in my mind. I can feel myself dying inside and not ever being able to recover from this. This is what happens when you lose the one you really love.
MWH Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Howdy, Everything you described sounds like part of the normal healing/grieving process. I think what has you shook up is that these feelings are coming now rather than sooner. Healing is non-linear in that we can fluctuate between stages. You know- two steps forward- three steps back... That short of breath feeling you describe reminds me of a panic/anxiety/bitter-truth "attack" i've had in the past. Almost a surreal brick-against-the-head sort of feeling. That moment of realization as to the reality of the situation. Again I think it is fairly normal and part of the healing process. Are these feelings pervasive or fleeting? A day or two of freaking out is expected. If these feelings persist over time then it might be more than "normal" healing. If that's the case maybe seek help? _____________________ I sound quite clear on the "normal" breakup feelings/stages but rest assured that my current sitch is far-different than anything i've ever experienced in my life. I'd appreciate your input on my recent thread in 'Coping". I'm not big on starting threads either so, like you, if I start one then it is really important to me! Peace, MWH
Geishawhelk Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Ok, DSM, get a grip. Look at me. you referred to me once as "my girl Geisha" and do you know it made me smile. (you probably don't remember, but I wouldn't expect you to.) You make a lot of people smile with your no-nonsense "Dr Phil" approach. So give yourself some straight talking. You're a grown, mature, intelligent individual. You're articulate and intellectual, you know how to speak coherently and logically. You deserve better than what you're giving yourself. You know that this torture is self-inflicted. So why are you doing this to yourself, huh? Why are you treating yourself worse than the way you treat others? You deserve the best you can give yourself, because nobody will ever treat you the way you deserve, unless you prove to yourself that you're worth it. And you are. C'mon man, shake it off. Did day break this morning? Well guess what? It will tomorrow too. And you'll have survived another day. Because you can. In the end, all you have to do is put one foot infront of the other one. If you can manage that - because walking is just a way of stopping yourself from falling over - then you can do this. Stand up, and walk.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 Thank you for the words and I'll get to yours right after I type this, rest assured. But hell no it's not normal. I don't think there's anything normal or natural or predictable about losing someone you love so deeply that it feels like you've literally had surgery and had your heart removed... with rusty tools. Hell yes it's pervasive. I feel everyday as if shards of glass are flowing through my veins along with the red and white blood cells. Everything I do or hear reminds me of her, and I feel as if I've lost the better half of my own mind and heart and soul. I'd rather have caught a bullet, than deal with this.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 Thanks a lot Geisha and I mean it, thank you. Of course I remember calling you my girl geisha. You are. I'm going to take your advice to heart and absolutely enforce it to the best of my abilities and keep you in mind as I do it. You're a better person than I am. Thank you again Geisha, much appreciated. (The time and response). This is why you're my girl!!
MWH Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Thank you for the words and I'll get to yours right after I type this, rest assured. But hell no it's not normal. I don't think there's anything normal or natural or predictable about losing someone you love so deeply that it feels like you've literally had surgery and had your heart removed... with rusty tools. Yes it IS normal to feel pain! C'mon man- you know that! Hell yes it's pervasive. I feel everyday as if shards of glass are flowing through my veins along with the red and white blood cells. Everything I do or hear reminds me of her, and I feel as if I've lost the better half of my own mind and heart and soul. Now HERE is where the normalcy stops- "Every day" points to depression. You know damn well that depression doesn't just mean "feeling sad". Obsessive thinking, hyper-sensitivity, etc, are all symptoms. You're hardcore man- you don't half-step anything, right? Well us hardcore types also FEEL fully and over-freakin'-think and over-feel. In trying to comfort ourselves we end up hurtiing ourselves. you can check yourself and yank yourself out of this once you get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I'd rather have caught a bullet, than deal with this. You bet! I can stitch up a bullethole. I can apply direct pressure to stop the bleeding. I can use an antibiotic to keep is from getting infected. I can't, however, "fix" inner pain. Or can I? You know EXACTLY what to do! Time to step up bro. Peace, MWH
Joker77 Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Tom, I can completely understand how you feel man. Last night I went to a concert and then to a bar with my friends. It seemed like everyone in the bar was with someone with the exception of myself. The more I stood there, I could feel myself just feeling worse. I kept thinking about my ex. At first, I missed her, and then I just started feeling all this hatred towards her. I feel like she faked her feelings the entire time we were together and I feel like an idiot that I fell for it. I'm wishing I had never dated her. The moron in me actually thought that she would cave and call me. I'm realizing now that won't happen. She's too proud to do it. And yes, I find myself not being able to watch certain shows because they were shows we watched together. I'm sorry I'm going off on a tangent. It will get better dude. You have given me good advice and I have appreciated it. Just keep working on yourself and keep busy. Best wishes man.
Geishawhelk Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I've just thought of something: I know why we do this. I know why it hurts so much. We pour ourselves into the relationship and commit to a never-ending happiness. We devote ourselves to our contentment and that of our partner, and give it all we've got. Or so we think. because the pain when we're dumped is almost limitless. Why? Why this pain, this heartache, this torture? Where's it from? What we're doing, in this pain, this heartache, this torture, is putting MORE into the relationship - now that it's over - than we did when it existed. Why the f_-_ would we do that - ??! What the heck do we think we're playing at? Why do we invest in all this pain, torment and suffering? Answer: because we're trying to relight the Love for ourselves, as well as for them. we still love them, and we're trying to kindle the love for us too. That's the bit that's missing. That's what we're trying to compensate for. What they're no longer putting in, we're trying to fire up. And it burns us up, it consumes us, it tortures us, it puts us through hell - Because it's not real. it's not given freely, it's torn out of us with hot pliers. It's agony, because it's all our own work, and we can't take it. It's not what we want. We want the real deal, but in its absence, were trying to compensate. And it doesn't work, and it's a real heartbreaker. So ease up on yourselves guys. You're wonderful, exactly the way you are. There's no need for you to do this to yourselves. Keep your energy into getting over it and invest in the worthiness of who you are. Because to put more energy into something that doesn't exist, is just crazy.
lofi_tokyo Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Heya Tom! Every day seems to be getting a little bit harder. I can't even watch a lot of my favorite TV shows because they just remind me of the times I watched them while at her house. Have any of you gotten this bad? Let's get real. This is so bad that I feel like I can't even catch my breath to some extent. I feel like I lost my other half, and although it's been two months since I lost her, I feel the pain getting worse. It feels like the pain is an ocean, and I'm drowning in it. I can't catch my breath, and there must be weights tied to my feet, because I am only sinking further. They said time heals but it seems as if ever minute is translating to another gallon of pain for me to drown in. I'm walking on the track in reverse, and I've already lost my mind. Those feelings you just described are quite similar to the ones I felt at about the 2.5 month mark of my breakup with the ex. I just collapsed in on myself - like all of the sudden all the lies of healing and being strong and getting over my ex just came tumbling down, and all that was left behind was me - raw and full of pain. At point point I just curled up in a ball on my kitchen floor and cried for about an hour. The good news is... you'll build yourself back up again. I saw myself healing before that, but those defenses fell. Over time though, I've got better, much better. Things may get a bit worse, but eventually, all you can do is go up, you know? You'll find yourself legitimately getting over your ex. Maybe you're in the depression stage of grieving? Thats where I was when I had my breakdown. Like Geisha said - you've been strong for a long time now. Let yourself hurt, but don't forget, you CAN be strong, and that strength will come back to you.
IcemanJB Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Tom, I just want to say first of all that your advice has helped me (and others) a ton. I love your no-bull**** approach, as I pride myself on not putting up with people's petty **** or drama. Now you need to do the same for yourself. You're one of our fearless leaders, and yes, even you can get your heart torn out. It sucks, I know. We've been through the obsessive thoughts. For the first few weeks after my breakup, everything and I mean EVERYTHING reminded me of my ex. Stuff I'm embarrassed to even type out. It was pure freaking torture. Add on the fact that she was still contacting me and I was a mess. How far into NC are you? That has helped me SO much. I'm over a month NC now and I stopped counting the days because I don't plan on contacting her in the near future. And like someone said earlier, the healing process is far from linear. A week ago I was a complete wreck after doing quite well the 2 weeks before that. I'm now back to being alright. Just hang in there buddy, and keep posting in here.
Lishy Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Tom, I think you are a truly tremendous guy and one day you will make some lucky girl really happy! What you are going through is normal but very self inflicted! You help so many on here and your advice is the best Answer yourself in the way you would others and then take your own advice! You truly are wonderful !!!!!!!!!!!!!
melissa123 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Hey Tom Just thought id let you know im right there with u
Ratherunique Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I'm there with you too bro. I've only been doing NC for the past 5 days and I feel like I'm going to cave in.
openbook08 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 "Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." Desiderata. I hope youre feelin' a little better. One day at a time. Youve helped so many people here, youre a good person, you'll get there. YOU WILL.
smiiiley Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 this is out of topic but if it makes you feel any better..i saw your picture and you are a very attractive guy...very cute and also you seem to have a great personality so there's one thing you should be happy about..you're a good catch ..lol i hope you feel better...i know it hurts alot but try to hang in there hun!
Lonelystar Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I just wanted to add and say I know how you are feeling. I can't watch certain shows or even go to certain places without feeling like my heart is going to rip out. The whole holiday season is a bit depressing when in this situation, but it does get better. We just have to accept that fact that we may always love the person who hurt us, but eventually they will not become our priority. Try doing things with friends, or spend some quality time doing stuff with yourself. I took up painting, and that has been a great outlet. The best of luck to you, and everyone else in pain. I hope the new year brings better things for all of us.
Knight_Ctrl Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 This is so bad. I never create topics, but rather offer help and advice to others... so for me to create a topic, well... I'm getting bad. We dated for almost a year. I thought one day I would marry this girl. (I truly believed it in the deepest parts of my mind. It wasn't superficial). I loved her to death and then one day she left. She still says she wants to get back together once her schedule clears in February, and that she can't be with any other guys. (I believe this to some extent but at the same time I don't). Every day seems to be getting a little bit harder. I can't even watch a lot of my favorite TV shows because they just remind me of the times I watched them while at her house. Have any of you gotten this bad? Let's get real. This is so bad that I feel like I can't even catch my breath to some extent. I feel like I lost my other half, and although it's been two months since I lost her, I feel the pain getting worse. It feels like the pain is an ocean, and I'm drowning in it. I can't catch my breath, and there must be weights tied to my feet, because I am only sinking further. They said time heals but it seems as if ever minute is translating to another gallon of pain for me to drown in. I'm walking on the track in reverse, and I've already lost my mind. Whenever anyone talks about ANY girl, I just think of my ex. Whenever someone says something about a female, my ex is the first that pops up in my mind. I can feel myself dying inside and not ever being able to recover from this. This is what happens when you lose the one you really love. Hey man, you've been real supportive with me and my issues and I want to try and offer up some advice. Gonna be hard though given you and I feel the same about our ex. Trust me man, I genuinely feel like sometimes it would be easier to die. Unfortunately you and I, were smarter people than that. I think its ridiculous to think that humans are self destructive like this, I would like to think that our ability to heal emotionally should be a quick process. But its not, there isn't a single day that goes by that I wish things could've gone back to the way they were...and this is the second time this has happened to me, it just makes me scared ****less that it is going to happen again. Really though I think one of DNS's posts put it best, in essence he just said we have two options. 1. Our ex comes back 2. We no longer desire our ex And he said option one is fully out of our control, at least option 2 is one that may be damn near impossible (as it feels with you and I). But at least its something to hang on to. I don't know hold old you are bro, and I'm not asking you to tell me. I looked at myself and where I'm at in life. I'm 20 years old and I had to force myself to believe YES I will find love again with someone else....I've only been on the market for like 4 years, and never seriously until recently. I refused to be ignorant enough for think that for the next roughly 60 years of my life I'm going to be alone....thats just stupid. Trust me bro, **** will get better. It does suck, I fully agree. This is easily one of the most painful things of my life. Were damn cool guys, we just have to know were cool guys.
peacebyinches Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I was feeling like you. I mean totally depressed, lost, wishing I would of died instead. Thats how I ended up here. You made it this far without slitting your wrists or jumping off a bridge or chasing her down in your car to pour your heart out so you are doing great! I forget who but someone posted "YOURE OUT OF CONTROL. IT HAPPENS EVERYDAY. GET OVER IT. MY GOD!" That was the short of it but it made sense. SHE LEFT. SHE'S GONE! SHE ISN'T COMING BACK. So I'll say it to you. You sound like a bitch. She's gone and ain't coming back. Fight for your manhood like you would fight to get her back. Life isn't gonna wait for you to get over this girl.
Sexy Kitty Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I know the feeling Tom. It's not easy. I too feel like I lost my other half. Seems so weird without them. I'm always wondering what they are doing. Who they are with etc...Hang in there though buddy.
EmperorR Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Even after 110 days of nc I'm scared to visit my sister because she lives a across from my ex. I can't watch my favourite shows go to the movies listen to my favourite artist. He'll I had to give away half of my clothes because they reminded me of my ex. But come on tom your better than what your doing why wait? The hope is just prolonging the pain.
againstallodds Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Have you ever love someone that you don't even know it? On my previous relationship I thought that I didn't love her as much. I guess sometime when you're in a relationship you feel so comfortable that's it is so routine that you don't even realize it. When she broke up with me it seem like my world has ended. Action speaks louder than words.
EmperorR Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Have you ever love someone that you don't even know it? On my previous relationship I thought that I didn't love her as much. I guess sometime when you're in a relationship you feel so comfortable that's it is so routine that you don't even realize it. When she broke up with me it seem like my world has ended. Action speaks louder than words. Raises hand I always used to think do I really love my ex. Always wantig freedom but I was comfortable then when she cheated and dumped me it felt like 300lb anchor on my heart. I've had so many relapses it ain't even funny anymore gahhhhhhhh
Sexy Kitty Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Ive enjoyed reading your posts too Tom. I'm going through a rough patch also. I hope you feel better.
You'reasian Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 This is so bad. I never create topics, but rather offer help and advice to others... so for me to create a topic, well... I'm getting bad. Let's get real. Whenever anyone talks about ANY girl, I just think of my ex. Whenever someone says something about a female, my ex is the first that pops up in my mind. I can feel myself dying inside and not ever being able to recover from this. This is what happens when you lose the one you really love. I'm going to have to disagree. Any ex is an ex for a reason - the two of you were not compatable under the time and circumstances which you were together. It must be cold and dark in Pitsburgh, go get yourself some sunlight and treat yourself to a good beer, my friend. Why be so down? There's so much to do!
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