Need clarity on "normal" behaviors

[MWH]

Hello all. I need some help sorting this out. I believe that many of my ex's behaviors were beyond the realm of "healthy/normal/rational" and I want to see what others think.

 

1. She asked me to spend more time with her and her friends. I agreed. She then invited me to a party. I went, enjoyed every second of it, and when we parted company she hugged me, thanks me for coming, and I told her that I enjoyed myself and was looking forward to next time. She then left and became VERY angry with me. This didn't make sense to me so I asked her why she was angry when she had just thanked me for stepping up. She said she was angry because "I only did it because she asked me to". Wouldn't a person be glad that I stepped out of my "comfort zone" and accomodated her wishes? I went and sincerely had a good time. Its not like I moped our pouted or anything like that. I think a partner should step up and meet their partner's needs and I thought I was being a good man by doing so. Its not like I threw it up to her- I enjoyed myself and enjyed getting to know her friends alittle bit better!

 

2. She accused me last Christmas, after having friends from out of town come over for a visit, of "wanting to have oral sex with the female half of the visiting couple.". She said that she "knew that I was thinking about doing that" She said she "could tell" that I was thinking that and when I attempted to initiate sex with my g/f at bedtime she said "I onlt wanted her to pretend that she was the other gal". She later, when confronted on the outrageousness of her statements, simply brushed them off as "rude and out of line" and blew it off. Regarding that day: The four of us (two couples) went shopping in a nearby town and while standing outside of a store waiting for the other couple to exit my ex suggested to me that "I should go talk to those two young gals in the store". I was flabbergasted. I was there with her and my friends shopping and socializing. I didn't give ANY girls a second look. In fact I was giving my gal lots of attention and affection as always.

 

3. She got very hurt and upset because she saw some gal working at a store and "knew that I wanted to have sex with her" even though I have never been to that store and heve never seen the gal she is referring to. Any time I would mention have ANY contact with ANY female she would immediately say "She WANTS you". When I would reassure her that they could "want me" all they want- I was committed to HER only, she refused to believe that and would then treat me badly. it was so frustrating being accused of things I'd never done and thinking things I've never thought. in the end, my ex cheated on me quite a few times. I never strayed.

 

4. She would, in the course of a day, go from listening to "our" music and "feeling so much love and appreciation of me" to hating me, raging at me, and calling me to tell me that she "doesn't feel our connection." She would usually say this after one or two days apart. She says that when she is with me she is very much in love with me but when we are not together she feels no connection to me and can not feel my love in any way. This was not an isolated incident. This theme recurred over and over and over.

 

5. She would email me over and over with words of love, devotion, and commitment in the morning, rage at me and tear me apart on the phone at lunch, and then dump me that evening. the next day she would say "Lets move past that" and I promise to stop doing that. Until the next time. And the next time.

 

6. She would pick a fight with me prior to any holday or special event. In almost three years there were only three holidays or special events that she did not pick a fight with me. Otherwise she would "sabotage" each and every one. Almost as if she would draw me in just so she could shove me away. Maybe she was afrid to get what she wanted? this kind of things has really messed with my thinking!

 

7. She would rage at me (I mean RAGE- sneer at me, scream, throw things, mock me, ,etc) and order me to leave her house. 30 seconds later she would call and text me over and over to come back. A few times she denied ever asking me to leave. I know what I heard and saw. So confusing!

 

8. She would dump me or I would break up with her and attempt to go n/c. She would hound me via calls, emails, and sometimes visits and as soon as I responded favorably she would go silent and ignore me. It felt like she was pulling me in just so she could dump me again.

 

9. She admitted verbally, in writing, and even made me a video, stting that she knew her fears and actions were irrational and that she needed professional help. She begged me to stand by her and to go with her to explain to the professionals how she acted. The next day she changed her mind, picked a fight with me, and accused me of "making her think she is crazy" and that "I wanted her to take medication so she would be easy for me to control". this was repeated more than once.

 

10. She would tell me that she was afraid that I would "change" once we got married and was afraid the *spark* would die and I would ignore her. How do you convince someone that some that has not happened is not gonna happen and that they need to stop owrrying about things like that? I called these things "Imaginary troubles".

 

 

I could go on and on as there are many more examples of what I believe to be "abnormal" behavior/thinking. I have my own theory but I would like to hear yours. This relationship has really affected me and in the end I was left feeing like I was nuts. I could not and even now can not really trust my perceptions because I question everything I *thought* I knew to be "normal" and "rational".

 

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

 

Peace,

 

MWH

[DSM-IV Tom]

I could have a psychological evaluation field day on her.

 

Where to start.

 

She is Bipolar. (This isn't a suggestion. This is a true statement. She IS bipolar).

 

She sounds to be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, or Histrionic Personality Disorder. Also, it could be a case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

There are many issues here.

 

She seems to be also suffering from Paranoid Personality Disorder.

 

In short?

 

Don't ever talk to her again.

 

Seriously, I am being legit when I tell you to seriously not ever talk to her again.

[Geishawhelk]

Forgive my being blunt, but as she's now your ex - who gives a damn?

The only thing to focus on is that actually, there is no question that you are miles better off without her.

Why wonder?

Move on and thank goodness there were no rings, no vows and no kids!!

[spupwc]

omg! same here with my ex and she WAS diagnosed with biplar yrs ago before we met. she always told me she was missdiagnosed but have seen to many signs , like everyone to not be bipolar.. wen she was manic, I was her king and i never felt more loved but wen the rage kicked in manly over assumptions and irrational thinking, it became a nightmare, i'm still a fool and love her but she is wit someone else now and the same type of things will prob. happen with them too. be glad u wernt married to her like i was!!!

[LikeCharlotte]

I agree that she sounds bipolar but there might be more going on there. I detect abuse. Abuse is something that she needs therapy to deal with. If abuse is coupled with other disorders she has a lot to go through before she can have a "normal' relationship. Please do not air her business on this forum (meaning any abuse) in specific if that is the case. Remember that I am just guessing here.

 

No, none of this is normal but normal is relative to a persons life and environment. What is important here is that you cannot fix her and you cannot change the past. You both have chosen to move on and for her that means getting to a place where she will not feel intense paranoia or fear so she can love someone - hopefully. For you it means that you are going to heal from this and move on.

 

This post sounds like you care a great deal for her but you realize that you are not a professional and are limited in what you could do for and with her. Loving someone who has psychological problems is not easy and takes immense strength. Cudos to you for trying for so long. Now it is time for her to deal with herself and get help. She may not realize how much she has hurt you because of her issues but even if she does that does not mean you need (ed) to be superhuman. Now she has to have the srength herself to do what she needs to do to get better on her own. It is understandable that you would not want to continue after so long of her not seeking help or admitting to her problems. It is also ok for you to want a healthy partner and relationship in your future. You may never understand her or that relationship but you can seek to understand yourself and prepare yourself to love and be loved again - with someone who is as willing to have a healthy realtionship as you are.

[kizik]

Absolutely inexcusable behavior. I dealt with many of the same erratic behaviors with my ex, who may or may not be bipolar, and all I can tell you is that the loneliness I feel now, is far better than the occasional crumbs of love I would get from her.

 

You have been hurt very badly. NO no no, it is NOT normal behavior. OK? It is abuse. You have been abused. And as LikeCharlotte says, she was probably abused.

 

It is going to take some time to sink in just how wrong her actions and behavior towards you were. You will think about it every day. One day you will go, "Wait a second. F*ck that b*tch. She was awful." And you will get really angry, and at that point, once you realize that you did not deserve such treatment, you can begin to heal.

 

Good luck.

[MWH]

I could have a psychological evaluation field day on her.

 

Where to start.

 

She is Bipolar. (This isn't a suggestion. This is a true statement. She IS bipolar).

 

She sounds to be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, or Histrionic Personality Disorder. Also, it could be a case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

There are many issues here.

 

She seems to be also suffering from Paranoid Personality Disorder.

 

In short?

 

Don't ever talk to her again.

 

Seriously, I am being legit when I tell you to seriously not ever talk to her again.

 

Thanks for your input. You confirmed what I've suspected for quite some time now. I called "BPD/NPD with a side of Paranoid" as she is high-functioning and her symptoms are very compartmentalized ie; Only in an intimate relationship.

 

I've been n/c, and I'm talking 100% n/c for a couple weeks now. I feel a great sense of relief but at the same time I feel like "everything I thought I knew" was all wrong. Very confusing. She really twisted me up I can tell you that!

 

I am absolutely better off wihtout her.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

 

Peace,

 

MWH

[MWH]

Forgive my being blunt, but as she's now your ex - who gives a damn?

The only thing to focus on is that actually, there is no question that you are miles better off without her.

Why wonder?

Move on and thank goodness there were no rings, no vows and no kids!!

 

Hey!

 

Well I give a damn for varying reasons! One- I DO care about her but I have indeed washed my hands of her. She has every available resource at her fingertips. I'm out of the picture.

 

Secondly, as I stated above, 2.75 years with her had very-much distorted or at least left me questioning my own perceptions. Please understand that she is NOT a babbling "crazy person". She is highly intellegent, very articulate, sucessful, and extremely engaging. Unfortunately along with that comes manipulative, devious, cunning, and downright mean.

 

I needed a disinterested thrid-party to confirm what I've suspected. to be fair I did not cherry-pick these 10 incidents above- they were a random sampling from my journal. Thank God for my journal- written in it for a LONG time and it has been my saving grace many times.

 

I'm FAR away from her, having ZERO contact, and I plan on none in the future.

 

Thanks for your throughts!

 

Peace,

 

MWH

[MWH]

I agree that she sounds bipolar but there might be more going on there. I detect abuse. Abuse is something that she needs therapy to deal with. If abuse is coupled with other disorders she has a lot to go through before she can have a "normal' relationship. Please do not air her business on this forum (meaning any abuse) in specific if that is the case. Remember that I am just guessing here.

 

I would never violate anyone's anonymity. In fact I created this username using a meaingless acronym to avoid ANY possbility for problems. I've been a member of LoveShack since early 2006 under my old username and thought it best to start fresh just to be "safe".

 

Simply put- yes there is a history of abuse and I shall say no more in that regard.

 

Yes I DO care for her a great deal and I was there for her in any capacity but I had to draw the line and leave her to (hopefully) fend for herself. I've paid a high price for hanging in there as long as I could and had to protect myself from any further damage. I wish her no ill-will in any way. She is an amazing and wonderful person but she has had some horrible damage done to her. It is not her fault but she is responsible for her own well-being/recovery/what have you.

 

Thank you very much for your thoughts.

 

Peace,

 

MWH

[MWH]

 

It is going to take some time to sink in just how wrong her actions and behavior towards you were. You will think about it every day. One day you will go, "Wait a second. F*ck that b*tch. She was awful." And you will get really angry, and at that point, once you realize that you did not deserve such treatment, you can begin to heal.

 

Good luck.

 

I am already past the anger- I've never been one to stay mad for any great length of time. I'm just trying to clear up some things within myself and get my "thinker" untwisted and get on with my life.

 

I DO deserve to be treated better and I also want to fully understand the part I played in the whole mess and avoid EVER allowing myself to not only get mixed-up with someone like this but to also avoid staying as long as I did.

 

I really appreciate all of you who took the time to read my long post, think about it, and reply. It is comforting to know that people care.

 

Peace,

 

MWH

[openbook08]

I DO deserve to be treated better

 

YES you do

she'll never know/understand how lucky she was to have someone who cared so much about her. I wish my ex had been as caring as you.

 

re: No. 1 - it was like having to bribe a spoilt child to get him to come to any type of friend/familial event. I didnt even have to read anymore of your post(but I did!) that was enough for me to know youre the kind of guy who puts a lot of thought & love into his girl.

 

dont be hard on yourself. I dont think you 'played a part' in any of it. and if you did it was only as a kind,concerned and possibly frustrated boyf.

[Surfer Dude]

This thread is a real eye opener. I never knew what my ex's problem was, I was always putting blame on myself one way or another and thought that I was the problem.

 

I had no idea what histrionic disorder is until I read about it here and researched it thoroughly afterwards. She fits EVERY criteria for this diagnosis, by all medical standards. I can't believe she got me thinking I was the problem, while the whole time the girl had some serious mental issues.

 

I know many people accuse their ex of being a crazy person after they get dumped, but this girl seriously had issues. Constant need for attention, neediness, unable to cope with criticism and failure, easily influenced, sexually promiscuous, shallow, flaky... these were total red flags, I should've figured it out sooner.

 

I suppose I'll be smarter next time, this was a good lesson.

[MWH]

YES you do

she'll never know/understand how lucky she was to have someone who cared so much about her. I wish my ex had been as caring as you.

 

re: No. 1 - it was like having to bribe a spoilt child to get him to come to any type of friend/familial event. I didnt even have to read anymore of your post(but I did!) that was enough for me to know youre the kind of guy who puts a lot of thought & love into his girl.

 

dont be hard on yourself. I dont think you 'played a part' in any of it. and if you did it was only as a kind,concerned and possibly frustrated boyf.

 

Thanks-

 

I'm not kicking my own ass too badly but yes I did play a part. Many parts in fact. I can't count how many times I got caught up in the madness and fired back at her with both barrels. I should have walked away. No matter how much she hounded me I always had the option of wlaking away and not sayng things in anger/frustraton.

 

While I did not play a part in whatever her problem is I certainly was on stage for many of the scenes. As time went by, though, and I began to get my head around the concept that something was wrong beyong the typical "relationship" issues I tended to be mor ein control of my reactions to her. there were times, though, even near the end, where after days of her pecking at me I blew my top.

 

I really appreciate your support!

 

Peace,

 

MWH

[MWH]

This thread is a real eye opener. I never knew what my ex's problem was, I was always putting blame on myself one way or another and thought that I was the problem.

 

I had no idea what histrionic disorder is until I read about it here and researched it thoroughly afterwards. She fits EVERY criteria for this diagnosis, by all medical standards. I can't believe she got me thinking I was the problem, while the whole time the girl had some serious mental issues.

 

I know many people accuse their ex of being a crazy person after they get dumped, but this girl seriously had issues. Constant need for attention, neediness, unable to cope with criticism and failure, easily influenced, sexually promiscuous, shallow, flaky... these were total red flags, I should've figured it out sooner.

 

I suppose I'll be smarter next time, this was a good lesson.

 

I'm glad you got something out of it dude. There is a big dif between dealing with this kind of thing and the typical boy/girl issues. In some ways it is almost a relief to know "It wasn't me". I always said to myself "If she's not crazy then she is one serious b***h".

 

I feel your frustration and your constant questioning of yourself man. It really wears on you. I ended up drinking daily, depressed, poor physical health, and frankly, I felt like i was losing my mind.

 

I know that she needs help and I'm not angry with her. While I might indeed hate her actions I don't hate HER in any way. In fact I pray for her daily and hope to somehow, someday, WAY down the road, know that she got help and lives a happy fulfilled life.

 

Surf's up- gotta go. Locals only brah!

 

MWH

[OCCDAVE]

Thanks for your input. You confirmed what I've suspected for quite some time now. I called "BPD/NPD with a side of Paranoid" as she is high-functioning and her symptoms are very compartmentalized ie; Only in an intimate relationship.

 

I've been n/c, and I'm talking 100% n/c for a couple weeks now. I feel a great sense of relief but at the same time I feel like "everything I thought I knew" was all wrong. Very confusing. She really twisted me up I can tell you that!

 

I am absolutely better off wihtout her.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

 

Peace,

 

MWH

So have i dude and keep your head up like you tell me will get through this in time.One good thing i got from my ex was becoming a member of the doormat club (joking)Anyway i can tell you are on the right path like i said you are always giving me helpful advice and i thank you.

[openbook08]

Thanks-

 

I'm not kicking my own ass too badly but yes I did play a part. Many parts in fact. I can't count how many times I got caught up in the madness and fired back at her with both barrels. I should have walked away. No matter how much she hounded me I always had the option of wlaking away and not sayng things in anger/frustraton.

 

While I did not play a part in whatever her problem is I certainly was on stage for many of the scenes. As time went by, though, and I began to get my head around the concept that something was wrong beyong the typical "relationship" issues I tended to be mor ein control of my reactions to her. there were times, though, even near the end, where after days of her pecking at me I blew my top.

 

I really appreciate your support!

 

Peace,

 

MWH

 

yup, this is what I meant when I said frustrated we're all guilty of it

but its only out of a sense of desperate concern for your loved one, not the best route admittedly but youre only human

[MWH]

yup, this is what I meant when I said frustrated we're all guilty of it

but its only out of a sense of desperate concern for your loved one, not the best route admittedly but youre only human

 

"Frustrated"... Yep- that feeling was an ongoing theme for sure. Raising my voice or otherwise acting out of character is NEVER a first-line option for me. I'm a great communicator and and I have the ability to clearly express myself so I ALWAYS try to resolve things peacefully.

 

After hours and even days of defiance of logic, reason, and decency, I think even The Pope woulda screamed at her!

 

I'm glad someone understands what I was up against here.

 

Thanks!

 

Peace,

 

MWN

[Surfer Dude]

I'm glad you got something out of it dude. There is a big dif between dealing with this kind of thing and the typical boy/girl issues. In some ways it is almost a relief to know "It wasn't me". I always said to myself "If she's not crazy then she is one serious b***h".

 

I feel your frustration and your constant questioning of yourself man. It really wears on you. I ended up drinking daily, depressed, poor physical health, and frankly, I felt like i was losing my mind.

 

I know that she needs help and I'm not angry with her. While I might indeed hate her actions I don't hate HER in any way. In fact I pray for her daily and hope to somehow, someday, WAY down the road, know that she got help and lives a happy fulfilled life.

 

Surf's up- gotta go. Locals only brah!

 

MWH

 

This is so true about her being a total bitch if she really is mentally ok.

 

You know what, I used to feel jealous and envious of her new boyfriends (including the guy she left me for), but now I know they got a broken deal. I just hope these chumps figure out what's going on and get out while they can.

 

I bet that dude is busting his ass right now to keep her in check and to preserve his mental sanity.

 

Anywho, it's interesting how my ex always gets rejected (or used and discarded) by strong and confident men (let's use the term 'bad boys') and can pull her crap only with the 'nice guy' type of person, desperate and clingy doormats who are willing to put up with her issues and not say a word. She doesn't know (doesn't want) how to act nice, and that's exactly what most men demand, thus she never gets them. I admit I was totally spineless many times just to save our relationship but I really loved that woman and wanted to work out our problems. Well, lesson learned about that.

[MWH]

This is so true about her being a total bitch if she really is mentally ok.

 

You know what, I used to feel jealous and envious of her new boyfriends (including the guy she left me for), but now I know they got a broken deal. I just hope these chumps figure out what's going on and get out while they can.

 

I bet that dude is busting his ass right now to keep her in check and to preserve his mental sanity.

 

Anywho, it's interesting how my ex always gets rejected (or used and discarded) by strong and confident men (let's use the term 'bad boys') and can pull her crap only with the 'nice guy' type of person, desperate and clingy doormats who are willing to put up with her issues and not say a word. She doesn't know (doesn't want) how to act nice, and that's exactly what most men demand, thus she never gets them. I admit I was totally spineless many times just to save our relationship but I really loved that woman and wanted to work out our problems. Well, lesson learned about that.

 

You weren't spineless man! You've got a heart and you CARE. How about this: We "ACTED spineless by compromising our values/beliefs". I think that is more accurate.

 

I'm in my mid-forties and I can tell you that I've NEVER been weak in regards to relationships. I'd never been involved with someone so disordered and until was I had NO idea how cunning, manipulaltive, and and devious she could be. I couldn't operate like she does if I HAD to!

 

My ex has fine-tuned her skills her entire life and I was outclassed. I've heard these types classified as "predatory" and it fits like a glove; They go after someone who possesses all of the positive aspects of character that they lack. While I have a very "bad boy" vibe at first glance it turns out I'm a man of strong character and strong beliefs. In other words I'm crunchy on the outside with a rich creamy center.

 

My closest friend, whom also experienced a gal like my ex, gave me this little bit of brilliance: "You will NEVER have to deal with someone like her EVER again so look on the bright side!". He's right. I've been "played" by the best- I *think* I'm psycho-proof from this point forward, yes? You are too!

 

Regarding my ex and her future relationships: I have a very small circle of friends and don't travel in the same circles as her so I doubt I'll ever know anything about her life. Thank God, huh? I'm sure I'll run into her in town at some point but I'm not worried about it. Better them than me although I DO pity her next victim. There but for the grace of God go I...

 

Is there no way you can remove yourself from knowing anything about your ex? Thats gotta be a tough one to deal with.

 

When I get private message privledges I'll share a couple solid resources with you that deal specificly with people like our exs and more importantly how to recover from them. I'm coming to learn that they are NOT typical in any way and are a far cry from a "normal" relationship/breakup.

 

Peace,

 

MWH

[Surfer Dude]

You weren't spineless man! You've got a heart and you CARE. How about this: We "ACTED spineless by compromising our values/beliefs". I think that is more accurate.

 

Yeah, this is true. The problem is that many women see kindness and willingness to work out issues as a sign of weakness. I really loved her with all my heart and wanted to help her overcome whatever was bothering her, I knew that through hard work together we could achieve anything we wanted. Too bad she didn't share my enthusiasm.

 

I'm in my mid-forties and I can tell you that I've NEVER been weak in regards to relationships. I'd never been involved with someone so disordered and until was I had NO idea how cunning, manipulaltive, and and devious she could be. I couldn't operate like she does if I HAD to!

 

My ex has fine-tuned her skills her entire life and I was outclassed. I've heard these types classified as "predatory" and it fits like a glove; They go after someone who possesses all of the positive aspects of character that they lack.

These crazy ladies spend a lot of time and effort honing their skills, it is unbelievable how pro they are when it comes to seducing men and absorbing their values. They often have rich social lives and are able to function completely normal, it is people they are close to who get to see their crazy side, they don't take it out on their colleagues and friends.

My ex has histrionic disorder, and many qualities (or flaws) these women exhibit are often found attractive by men (seductiveness, promiscuity, obsession with looking good at all times).

 

My closest friend, whom also experienced a gal like my ex, gave me this little bit of brilliance: "You will NEVER have to deal with someone like her EVER again so look on the bright side!". He's right. I've been "played" by the best- I *think* I'm psycho-proof from this point forward, yes? You are too!

Hopefully this is true. But man, these crazies don't show their true face until you've already fallen in love with them, and by then it's often too late to end it. Heart doesn't allow us to break free from those harpies. I'm young and this is bound to happen again, I just hope I'll have the wisdom and strength to see the red flags and end it when things become unbearable.

 

Regarding my ex and her future relationships: I have a very small circle of friends and don't travel in the same circles as her so I doubt I'll ever know anything about her life. Thank God, huh? I'm sure I'll run into her in town at some point but I'm not worried about it. Better them than me although I DO pity her next victim. There but for the grace of God go I...

Hahaha, true. I feel nothing but pity for the guys who are going to date her in the future. Poor souls. Well, I've survived it, hopefully they will too. The one who marries her someday is bound to go crazy tho, I can't imagine the grief he'll go through. This bitch is the same as her crazy mother and crazy grandma, she comes from a totally crazy family of what she likes to call "strong women". Hahaha, this is ridiculous.

 

When I get private message privledges I'll share a couple solid resources with you that deal specificly with people like our exs and more importantly how to recover from them. I'm coming to learn that they are NOT typical in any way and are a far cry from a "normal" relationship/breakup.

It's not typical at all. Since this was my first SERIOUS and LONG TERM relationship, I had no idea what to expect from someone after a period of, let's say, one year. We constantly used to argue, she'd pick fights for no reason, act hysterical etc. I asked her "is it really normal that we argue so much? isn't this a bit overboard? i don't see other couples having the same problem", to which she responded "yes it's perfectly normal, all of my friends argue with their partners, it's nothing unusual and it's totally ok". She was protecting her interests (draining my values and energy with these fights). I can't believe it bought that hahaha