Ruby Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I need some perspective here please I met Mickey 7 weeks ago, we hooked up and slept together on the first night and we have been inseperable ever since. I have never fell for someone like this in my lifetime and I am 44. I am used to having just sex buddies or men who disappear He is so into me and I can not believe it, he has even told me he loves me. I have a 13 year old and the father of my child is a nightmare, he still controls my life after 8 years of breaking up, so to meet Mickey and feel the love we share is wonderful. He split up from a 5 year relationship about 3 months before we met and talks about his ex all the time (not in a nice way) he does not have kids. When he gets drunk he tells me he wants to marry me and have a baby. He is the first man I have introduced to my son and he comes to my house most nights and I cook dinner and we sit in and chat and when my son is at his dads we go out and have a great time together. However, a few things have happened in the last 2 weeks that have got me thinking. He seems to always have cocaine on him when we go out and I wonder if he has a problem with it. Last Sunday my child was at dads and Mickey was at the bar watching the game with his friends and I went and met him. I was there for 2 hours and my child text to tell me he was on his way home, I left Mickey in the pub and things were fine. The next day he was really weird with me, telling me that he cannot cope with how he feels and that he wants to spend all his time with me and how he was upset that I left the bar, I explained that I have a child who I have to be there for but then he just ignored my calls. In the end I had to go to his place to make things right and he asked me to not go but my child was indoors alone. He seems a bit like a spoiled child himself at times. I am finding myself feeling resentful of my child and my ex as it could spoil what I have. I am also worried that he is not over his ex as he brings her up in convesation all the time and is quite horrible about her. He tells me how much better then her I am and how she would never cook and that I have cooked for him more in 7 weeks then she did in 5 years. My question is, a I headed for a fall?
BikerBeagle Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 In a word ...yes. You need to -not walk - RUN from this. You are getting sucked into a classic rebound (yours and his) ...extremely intense, but ultimately short lived ...with a very needy and desperate individual.
Author Ruby Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 Do you really think so? I am sure I have met 'the one' and he is sure too He even took me to his moms house for christmas day lunch, he wouldn't do that if he didnt really love me would he?
BikerBeagle Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Rebound relationships have one constant ...DENIAL. I have no doubt that you both believe you've found 'the one', that's where the 'intense' comes from, but you have to trust me on this, it's a lie. You both just need the emotional connection, that's all, to feel like you are breaking free of your respective exes ...you are in love with being in a relationship, it doesn't even matter really who it's with. You are already seeing some of the 'real' guy - cocaine use, desperation, neediness - and, worse, starting to resent your own child and blame him for for the guilt-trip this guy is putting on you ...that's wrong on a level I can't even begin to explain to you. He is obviously not over his ex ...you KNOW this ...and you aren't either. You can't be 'over' someone who still 'controls' you after 8 years.
Author Ruby Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 Now I am crying Is there any chance of working this out so we stay together?
child_of_isis Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Maybe you should be asking yourself why you would want to work it out with this guy. He evidently has a drug problem. He is horrible about his X. He thinks women should cook for him. He is jealous of your child. Is this the actions that you imagine when thinking of 'the one'? Now I am crying Is there any chance of working this out so we stay together?
Author Ruby Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 I have spoken to him today and he has told me he hates his ex and would never get back with her He has said that he only ignored me as he was was hungover and felt miserable as he wants to see me more. I think we could be ok
moonshadow Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I need some perspective here please Wow, I think that's a true understatement. I met Mickey 7 weeks ago, we hooked up and slept together on the first night and we have been inseperable ever since. Wow, what a classy woman - every pig's dream, to find a woman who's easy and will put out on the first date. You're really 44 yrs old? Given your admitted history of sex buddies, and your obvious lack of qualms about jumping into the sack with a man you know nothing about - on the first date - wow, you'd think someone your age would know better than to participate in such a risky sexual lifestyle - ever heard of STDs? And of course you're used to "men who disappear" - if you act like a skank and drop your panties for a guy you've just met you're not exactly going to attract decent guys who will treat you with respect. He is so into me and I can not believe it, he has even told me he loves me. And you believe him? LMAO I have a 13 year old and the father of my child is a nightmare, he still controls my life after 8 years of breaking up, so to meet Mickey and feel the love we share is wonderful. Your poor, poor son. My heart goes out to him. His life is a real-life episode of Jerry Springer. Mom bedding this man, bedding that man, parents that don't get along, poor kid. He sure doesn't have much in the way of a role model for what healthy relationships are all about, through no fault of his own. Chances are good he'll figure that the way men treat you are the way men treat women period and he'll go on to treat women like crap, too......use them to get laid and then run. Niiiiice. He split up from a 5 year relationship about 3 months before we met and talks about his ex all the time (not in a nice way) he does not have kids. When he gets drunk he tells me he wants to marry me and have a baby. Wow, so he's a drunk? What a catch! He is the first man I have introduced to my son and he comes to my house most nights and I cook dinner and we sit in and chat and when my son is at his dads we go out and have a great time together. Lucky Mickey, he's got 'er made in the shade. A woman who's clearly desperate for a man, one who falls for his "lines", and free home-cooked meals. can't beat that! However, a few things have happened in the last 2 weeks that have got me thinking. He seems to always have cocaine on him when we go out and I wonder if he has a problem with it. You WONDER if he has a problem with it? Hello, McFly? Anybody home? You're hanging out with an alcoholic cokehead. People don't have illegal drugs in their possession unless a) they're chronic users or b) they deal. Great guy you have hanging around your impressionable teenage son. I wonder, does he have drugs on him when he's in your home? Are the cops watching him? How do think things will go down should Mickey get busted by the cops in your home? The next day he was really weird with me, telling me that he cannot cope with how he feels and that he wants to spend all his time with me and how he was upset that I left the bar, I explained that I have a child who I have to be there for but then he just ignored my calls. In the end I had to go to his place to make things right and he asked me to not go but my child was indoors alone. He seems a bit like a spoiled child himself at times. So he disrespects you, acts like a spoiled child and you are so desperate for a deadbeat boyfriend that you run to his house and try to make up with him? How special. I am finding myself feeling resentful of my child and my ex as it could spoil what I have. I am also worried that he is not over his ex as he brings her up in convesation all the time and is quite horrible about her. He tells me how much better then her I am and how she would never cook and that I have cooked for him more in 7 weeks then she did in 5 years. Resentful of your child? Lady, you don't even DESERVE to have a child. You are more concerned about losing this deadbeat user of an alcoholic cokehead who fills your head with BS all for a free meal and piece of a$$.....than your own child. Most decent mothers would RUN from a man who was an alcoholic and coke user........ you should seriously seek professional help and consider giving up full custody of your impressionable teenage son to his father so that the poor kid doesn't have to be subjected to your idiocy and selfishness. My question is, a I headed for a fall?
moonshadow Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Do you really think so? I am sure I have met 'the one' and he is sure too He even took me to his moms house for christmas day lunch, he wouldn't do that if he didnt really love me would he? My god you are so naive for a woman of 44. A player/alcoholic/drug addict/user will put on all kinds of 'acts' in order to maintain his supply of free meals and romps in the sack. wake up already.
You'reasian Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 My god you are so naive for a woman of 44. A player/alcoholic/drug addict/user will put on all kinds of 'acts' in order to maintain his supply of free meals and romps in the sack. wake up already. ...which proves that nice guys don't always finish last. Better to be an alone, focused, self-sufficient gentleman than with women whom voluntarily date alcoholic-coke heads.
Island Girl Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Maybe you should be asking yourself why you would want to work it out with this guy. EXACTLY. He evidently has a drug problem. And if you are seeing this after 7 weeks while still in the "facade phase" where everyone generally tries to be at their best in a relationship THAT is scary. You have no idea how deeply this runs or what other drug issues there may be. It is scary that you have a 13 year old in your house who is at a VERY impressionable age and you are willing to bring someone like this - with these issues right into your house. He is horrible about his X. Whether he is over her or not - he hasn't let go of his feelings about the relationship. I am very surprised that you even listen to him blabbering on and on about her. Yuck. He thinks women should cook for him. He could be touched by this. A home cooked meal is always nice (I should know my husband is the cook). But you don't know if it is misogynistic or chauvinistic because you DON'T KNOW HIM VERY WELL. I don't care how intense it is -- you do not KNOW him. He can be anybody right now. He is jealous of your child. Not only jealous but he completely disregards your child as a priority in YOUR life! If he truly cared about YOU he would care about things that matter to you and a child SHOULD matter! Your child is 13. That means legally you are responsible for that child for the next 5 years. Maternally don't you not feel responsible for your child's environment and what your son is exposed to? Is this guy a great role model? -- ugh, NO! Is this the actions that you imagine when thinking of 'the one'? I think there are BIG RED FLAGS waving around all over the place and you are closing your eyes because you want it so much to be true. You want him to "be the one" but you do not really know him and you are certainly making some bad decisions already in the course of your short relationship. You know he has cocaine on him all the time - yet you brought him into your house. You know when you went out the other night and got called to go home because your son (again should be your first priority) was on his way home that everything was fine. He remained at the bar and got drunk only letting you know the next day that he was unhappy with you leaving TO GO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SON. That is terrible! Horrible! And yet you chased and went over to his house to make things right!!??!! You did nothing wrong - yet you went after HIM to "make things right"?! The only thing that was wrong was that he is a needy an insecure boy who hasn't grown up. He is selfish and not willing to put his needs aside for anyone's. Including yours and especially your son's! Oh yeah -- he sure sounds just marvelous.
Island Girl Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Resentful of your child? Lady, you don't even DESERVE to have a child. You are more concerned about losing this deadbeat user of an alcoholic cokehead who fills your head with BS all for a free meal and piece of a$$.....than your own child. Most decent mothers would RUN from a man who was an alcoholic and coke user........ you should seriously seek professional help and consider giving up full custody of your impressionable teenage son to his father so that the poor kid doesn't have to be subjected to your idiocy and selfishness. I forgot to write this and meant to. This is seconded. Let it echo in your ears PLEASE. Your son deserves to have an environment that is safe and reliable. With this guy in your life your life is going to go through an upheaval and will be completely unstable. That is how druggie alcoholics are and that's what they contribute. Please give your son to his father. See him in the park a couple of afternoons a week while your boyfriend is passed out (and keep spare change hidden for yourself when he leaves you stranded without a vehicle so you can take the bus for your visiting times. Your son does deserve some time with you after all). You say this guy already has you resentful of your son (whom you have given birth to and raised for 13 years) after 7 weeks and that you are worried he and his controlling father will ruin this fantastic relationship for you. So make as tiny an inconvenience as possible and let the boy live with his dad. It is best for all involved.
Author Ruby Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 I think you are all being a bit over the top. He is not an alchoholic nor a drug addict. He drinks when he goes out or has a bottle of wine at my house and he only takes coke when he goes out. Not at my house or around my child He is lovely to my child and they get along good. The incident was a one off when he ignored me. He has alot of reason to hate his ex, she was very controlling and stopped hi going out, she never cooked for him and treated him badly. He says I am the opposite. He bought me lovely things for christmas and pays for everything when we go out. You are making him sound really bad when he is a nice man
moonshadow Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 He drinks when he goes out or has a bottle of wine at my house and he only takes coke when he goes out. Not at my house or around my child You're a very desperate and dysfunctional woman. You are justifying a man who breaks the law and uses cocaine. Are you truly that desperate for a man that you have to settle for so little? And how do you know he doesn't have coke on him when he's at your house/in the presence of your son. for all you know, considering his obvious resentment towards your son, maybe he goes into the bathroom in your home and snorts a couple of lines to feel good. He is lovely to my child and they get along good. The incident was a one off when he ignored me. Well if it was merely a one-off incident then why the need to even post here about it all? He has alot of reason to hate his ex, she was very controlling and stopped hi going out, she never cooked for him and treated him badly. He says I am the opposite. Oh and you really know allllllllllll about his ex from who exactly? What you know is what he's told you. Chances are good he's making her out to be the devil incarnate. Oh and how AWFUL of her, she tried to "stop him from going out".......well maybe it was because he was blowing their money on booze and drugs and not coming home? maybe she didn't feel it was appropriate for her partner to be a grown man yet a party boy when he had a wife/family (or whatever) and responsibilities to tend to. Again, you're only hearing his distorted side of the story and you are clearly very guillible. And boohoo, she didn't cook for him. What, is that all women are good for is to cook for a man? This guy must figure he's hit the lottery with you. He's got you rushing around to cook for him and give him free meals and be his doormat. He bought me lovely things for christmas and pays for everything when we go out. Oh, so that's how you decide a man is good............by the amount he spends on you. You are making him sound really bad when he is a nice man So if he's so nice then what are you doing posting about any of this for?
Island Girl Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I think you are all being a bit over the top. He is not an alchoholic nor a drug addict. He drinks when he goes out or has a bottle of wine at my house and he only takes coke when he goes out. Not at my house or around my child You have known him for 7 weeks. This is what you have SEEN in that time. I bet it runs much deeper. You seem to not have a clue about the phases of relationships -- and yes that is probably due to the majority of your relationships NOT being lengthy ones. But there is an initial phase where two people are in the "facade phase" where just the best parts are put out for the other to see. Then there is the "newlywed phase" where problems aren't problems because ALL is forgiven -- LOVE is in the air and it is GRAND. Then there is reality. That is when the relationship becomes real - the people in it become real - and problems aren't so easy to dismiss. YOU are in the facade phase right now. And you have already seen enough to have any woman in her right mind say good bye and shut the door on this budding relationship. If you turn a deaf ear now it is you who will pay dearly in the end. Please just do not take your son on the ride along with you. It'll be ugly. He is lovely to my child and they get along good. The incident was a one off when he ignored me. Again -- SO FAR. But he has already shown himself to be completely unreasonable when it comes to your responsibility as a parent. Again -- after JUST 7 WEEKS. That incident is the first of many if you stay with this guy. Go ahead and see for yourself. i think most people here are telling you how it is going to be. But you refuse to listen and are making excuses so make your own decision. Just don't place your son in the middle of it. It's going to get remarkable dysfunctional and he doesn't deserve that. After all he doesn't have a choice. He has alot of reason to hate his ex, she was very controlling and stopped hi going out, she never cooked for him and treated him badly. He says I am the opposite. That is HIS side of the story. It'd be interesting to hear hers. Again you show your lack of experience in relationships with this one. There are always 3 sides to every story -- His side, Her side, and the TRUTH. You shouldn't be speculating on this at all -- which is why I said I didn't understand why you listen to him talk about it. All you know is his side - and his perception. I bet if you sat down and talked with her you'd get a good look at this guy in a whole different light. You may be the opposite. You may have similarities that he is drawn to as well. Who knows. It is irrelevant. You are so concerned about him really "loving" you -- but you have no standards for yourself. You are so concerned about how you measure up in his eyes. Like a high school girl would be. By your age you should already know -- it should be done the opposite way. "How does he measure up in MY eyes and what problems do I see." He bought me lovely things for christmas and pays for everything when we go out. It has been 7 WEEKS. While I grant you this is nice -- EVERY GUY I HAVE EVER DATED HAS BEEN THE SAME WAY. YET MANY, MANY, MANY, DID NOT END UP BEING "THE ONE". It means nothing. You are making him sound really bad when he is a nice man You don't really know that yet. We are discussing the facts in what you posted. He has shown himself to be unreasonable, extraordinarily selfish and needy, while also clingy and desperate. He does drugs and "always has some on him". Your relationship with him is already causing you to RESENT YOUR OWN SON. Yeah - he sounds marvelous. Keep making excuses and refuse to listen to people with more experience than you have in relationships. Do what you will. You asked if you are headed for a fall -- Alll that have posted have answered a resounding "YES". But it is apparent that you will ignore any answer as long as it is not the one you WANT to hear. So here you go: 'He sounds great. Hold on to him and you'll be very happy together. It sounds like the truest of true love - the kind every woman dreams of! Don't worry about a thing. I know there are those thoughts in your head that are causing you to question your relationship. Although those thoughts are generally for self preservation, ignore them. Those thoughts are wrong! He IS wonderful. A real catch and you are so lucky to have found each other!' IG P.S. Those thoughts generally are NOT wrong and those of us that have HAD relationships have learned to LISTEN to them NOT ignore them because they have been correct in hindsight when the end does come. P.S.S. Please do not have your son around during the majority of your time with this guy. Spend time alone and have him spend more time with his dad. At least it will be you paying the price for your decisions and he will be kept out of it.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I didn't read all the responses, but just wanted to add something. A guy that spends a lot of time talking bad about his ex is a BIG RED FLAG. I would not be interested in a person that talks constantly about their ex, especially if it were bad. Sounds to me like he's trying to convince himself that he shouldn't still be in love with her. Or maybe he's so worried you'd be able to see he still loves her if he didn't do that. Somebody that can speak from a neutral place about their ex shows to me that they are at peace with that relationship having ended. Plus, keep in mind that somebody that is so willing to point out all the bad stuff that the other person did obviously accepts no responsibility for their part in the relationship going bad. This reeks of immaturity on his part, which goes right along with his spoiled brat routine he pulled about you leaving the bar to give your son some attention. I also think that somebody that can start to foster resentment in you for your own child is a major disaster waiting to happen. Your child had no choice in the matter - you made the adult choice to have him. So you're stuck in that choice, now - he gets to be your priority, not this new guy. You do not want to damage the relationship with your son - he will always be your blood.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 The child should be the main priority. I know most mothers would sacrifice their happiness for the sake of their children. But to resort dating a man that is already proving to be a bad influence can only result in the child growing up resenting the mother. Ruby, clear your head. If you really want to love someone, at least find someone who has better qualities than drinking and snorting coke. A child needs both a mother and father figure in their life, but if you settle for this " Mickey" you'll end up supporting his habits and neglecting your own flesh and blood.
BikerBeagle Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I have spoken to him today and he has told me he hates his ex and would never get back with herThe opposite of 'love' is not 'hate', it's 'indifference'. 'Hate' is still an emotion and shows that he still isn't over her.
Geishawhelk Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Classic, isn't it? People post about certain heart-stopping issues, and when they get a concensus of opinion - and the amazing thing here is, that EVERYONE who has responded is in 100% agreement - we get the defensive justification replies. "Oh but he's not really", "oh and he did do this", "oh and he does say that", "and his ex is", "and he didn't mean"..... Ruby - Take it on the chin from those who can see the wood for the trees. Or Suck it up and keep going as you're going. Simple, really.
sultry33 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Wow, what a classy woman - every pig's dream, to find a woman who's easy and will put out on the first date. You're really 44 yrs old? Given your admitted history of sex buddies, and your obvious lack of qualms about jumping into the sack with a man you know nothing about - on the first date - wow, you'd think someone your age would know better than to participate in such a risky sexual lifestyle - ever heard of STDs? And of course you're used to "men who disappear" - if you act like a skank and drop your panties for a guy you've just met you're not exactly going to attract decent guys who will treat you with respect. And you believe him? LMAO Your poor, poor son. My heart goes out to him. His life is a real-life episode of Jerry Springer. Mom bedding this man, bedding that man, parents that don't get along, poor kid. He sure doesn't have much in the way of a role model for what healthy relationships are all about, through no fault of his own. Chances are good he'll figure that the way men treat you are the way men treat women period and he'll go on to treat women like crap, too......use them to get laid and then run. Niiiiice. Wow, so he's a drunk? What a catch! Lucky Mickey, he's got 'er made in the shade. A woman who's clearly desperate for a man, one who falls for his "lines", and free home-cooked meals. can't beat that! You WONDER if he has a problem with it? Hello, McFly? Anybody home? You're hanging out with an alcoholic cokehead. People don't have illegal drugs in their possession unless a) they're chronic users or b) they deal. Great guy you have hanging around your impressionable teenage son. I wonder, does he have drugs on him when he's in your home? Are the cops watching him? How do think things will go down should Mickey get busted by the cops in your home? So he disrespects you, acts like a spoiled child and you are so desperate for a deadbeat boyfriend that you run to his house and try to make up with him? How special. Resentful of your child? Lady, you don't even DESERVE to have a child. You are more concerned about losing this deadbeat user of an alcoholic cokehead who fills your head with BS all for a free meal and piece of a$$.....than your own child. Most decent mothers would RUN from a man who was an alcoholic and coke user........ you should seriously seek professional help and consider giving up full custody of your impressionable teenage son to his father so that the poor kid doesn't have to be subjected to your idiocy and selfishness. My question is, a I headed for a fall? whilst i agree with the rest i dont think the bit in bold is really fair the op may have had safe sex and just because she gave it up on day 1 does not make her a tramp.. some could wait days/months an still bag a losser! op a drug use is never right around children
amymarieca Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Fisrt of all, this guy has cocaine?!!? Ding, ding, ding! There is the first deal breaker. Secondly, you are 44 years old and he can't understand that you need to be there for your child? That is another deal breaker. You seem to be blaming yourself for having a kid and an ex and it is ruining this for you. Please don't ever resent an innocent child. That is just plain unfair. You are entitled to have a past. Be there for the child, no questions asked. Lastly, this guy compares you to his ex all the time, which would personally make me feel like rebound material. Who wants to be compared with someone else even if it is positive? In time, he could be talking about you that way, so watch out. My advice overall? Run away!
animo Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Please... the guy's a cokehead, has already gotten wasted once since you met him (as you said), and is displaying all kinds of sappy, and controlling behavior... What more reasons do you need to GTFO?!
animo Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 SHEESH you guys are harsh That is not true... Every word I spoke was spoken in a really gentle and heartfelt tone... It's just that you wouldn't hear that just by reading text...
Author Ruby Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 I defend him because I know he is a hard working man, yes he does coke when he is out but he works so hard and likes to chill out My child is my top priority but when he tells me that he wants to spend time with me without Mickey I feel like I am not allowed a life of my own as I have been single since me and his dad split up. No one has cared for me like Mickey has, he really pays me alot of attention and even though he has no children, he is great with mine.
Recommended Posts