raddi Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 ugh. i dont know where to start, so i'll give background, and then current... we met and had an instant connection. he was super beautiful, snuggly, sweet, drummer, charming, smart and funny. just LOVELY! things went well for a few months, and we moved in together, too quickly. but being around eachother was heaven! things went down hill FAST as they tend to do before you know eachother enough to make big steps...we fought a lot. not usual fights though. when we fought he had a certian way of making me feel small. he talked down to me, called me names, made HUGE deals out of very small things, and really hurt me. its like he could find that weak spot so well, and drilled on it if he was mad at me. i had never been in a relationship with a man who made me feel like that, and i remember VERY CLEARLY thinking after one paticular night "is he being abusive?" i remember him pushing me on the bed playfully, but hard and saying something mean...i cant remember what it was, but no guy had ever made me feel that way. this was on one of our first dates... i asked him to take me home and he played it off as no big deal, he was just teasing. i thought i was just beeing silly. things progressed well, then, as i said, went bad, and i broke up with him. i was the most depressed i had ever been im my life. i missed him and loved him so bad, i couldnt sleep, barley ate, had a knot im my belly and started having panic attacks. i drank all the time because i was dying inside. i tryed everything to get over him, but i couldnt. even when i found out he was emailing girls, asking to go out on dates and saying awful things about me before we broke up. even when his best friend told me that he was sleeping with me and another, or a few, girls at the same time. we werent together anymore, so he could do whatever he wanted...and he did. constantly. even after he found out i knew, he lied and lied to me. rite to my face over and over, telling me im crazy. then he knew i knew and he swore he wouldnt do it anymore. he kept doing it. and i kept sleeping with him and loving him. i just loved him so much, i did crazy things. things i would slap the sh** out of myself for, looking back now. i cant believe i kept with him and gave myself to him like that. he hurt me constantly. i would go home and cry my eyes out every night i saw him, or spoke to him. i was a TOTAL mess. TOTAL. nine months of that, and i finally met someone new, who was NOT a dick, and was sweet. ACTUALLY sweet. handsome. funny. we had lots and lots in common. i started dating him and started to really like him. thats when the mean guy came back into the picture. but he had changed. he was now nice, and sweet. he told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me and he was a fool for being so hurtful and cruel to me. and i totally fell for him all over again. i was ready to move on, not because i stopped loving him, but because i didnt want to feel how i felt for the 9 months we were apart anymore. shiney new boys were fun, and good for my heart. but i thought old boy was better for my heart. he had changed, and he loved me again. i loved him, so how could it ever be wrong??? we got back together. within a few months i got pregnant. things were LOVLEY. we got engaged. things were BEAUTIFUL. then little stuff started creeping back in. mean names. lots of mean names, when we got into arguments. screaming in my face. putting me down. speaking to me as if i was a child. it got so bad i was planning on leaving, trying to get things sorted out, so i could go. 5 months pregnant. i didnt care. i didnt want to go thru it again. then things started to get better again. then i found emails of him speaking to girls, 3 seprate times. one was a survey on myspace, hinting a having sex with a girl who was going to be our roomate. he sexualised every question and they were having fun flirting back and forth. another was a myspace message to a different girl wishing he could take a girl to go see sex and the city that evening, if only he could....and another was a myspace telling some girl how hot she was/is. i forgave him every time. even after his shi**y awful lying he was SOOOO sorry for while we were broken up. same patterns. same lying. same denial. same finally relling the truth and then making me feel bad for him. had the baby. things were ok. then BAD. then ok, bad, ok, bad. now its BAD. we moved and things were lookng up for a bit. it seemed like we were starting to figure eachother out. learning how to get along. now i think it was just the aftergolw of having a new home. he went on a month long business trip and he came back like he used to be. hes mean. he talks down to me. demands apoligies constantly, for things that are silly. he wont allow me to get irritated with him at all. i cant make a move he doesnt like with out him blowing up at me. my dad overheard him taliking to me on the phone and called me to ask if thats the was he normally speaks to me. he told me that he seems to pick on me, and he told me i need to keep watch on that...and to call him if it gets to be too much. my dad isnt the type to say anything about things. he prefers to stay out of other peoples buisness, including mine. his mom asked if he has been being mean to me, of course i said "no" but she told me "im sorry for that. i dont know why hes like that. he was always so sweet growing up." and the other night he started being mean because our son woke up at 1am while i was alseep with him on the couch. so i picked him up and was rocking him to get him to go back to sleep, and meanie rushed in saying "how long has this been going on for?!?!" and snatched him away from me, wich just left me feeling completely worthless. like i was some type of horrrible mother because my son had been crying for all of 30 seconds. he did that infront of his sister (well, 2 sisters and 2 of her friends), and she and i went outside to have a smoke. she asked me "is he really going to be a huge jerk and speak to you that way over THAT?!?!" and i just looked at her, almost started crying, but didnt, and said "i dont know." and i dont. all i know is to usually expect it, and its usually my fault because i make him do it. if i was more his way, OCD clean, or his way "sweet girl' or more his way smarter or more organized, or more willing to sleep with him, or more willing to do whatever or not being like this or that or always doing or seeing or making sure and getting it all right, he wouldnt have to get angry. but im not him. im me. i CANT be him, because im NOT him. i was going to ask what i should do. if you think hes abusive. like i need someone to tell me. writing this has let me know what i need to do. im getting super fat. i am depressed. my happyness depends on his happyness. when i please him i feel elated, and when i fail him, wich is atleast once a day, i feel just that. like a failure. this is not love. this is desperation. this is needyness and i need to be away from him for once and for all. its pathetic. i want him to be different, but he NEVER will be. i love his face, and his big strong arms and his hair and eyes, and him when hes good and kind and makes me feel like ive done a good job. i am nothing special to him. he could treat anyone like this. and he will, with the next girl and the girl after that. im nothing to him, and its time i start being something to myself.
Geishawhelk Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Yup. You do. So get going. And don't look back, or ever fall into the same trap again. You see the hole in the sidewalk? Don't fall into it. Heck, don't even walk round it. Choose another sidewalk.
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