kars111 Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I am not sure this is the right place I have been dating a girl for 3 months. 3 weeks ago, things got little sour, we got into an argument, but nothing serious happened e.g breakup words etc... however, I know that she is not the one. she is great to me and my kids. then 2 weeks fast forward, I met this girl at work. She is great. She and I went out for a date tonight. Everything went perfect. We both made plans to see each other in few days. I did not tell her yet that I am coming out of a relationship. I dont want to lie to either one. How should I do it without being a jerk?
Taramere Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 How should I do it without being a jerk? By avoiding laying blame at anyone's feet (yours, hers or the other woman you like). The two of you aren't compatible. There are lots of nice, fun, attractive and intelligent people out there....but they're not all compatible with eachother. If she thinks the two of you are compatible, then the break-up will be upsetting for her regardless of what you say or do. You've only been together for three months, so hopefully the damage will be minimal. The sooner you do it the better, though.
openbook08 Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 and NOT by text message oooh bitter pill
Meaplus3 Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Be 100% honest with her.. and let her know things are just not working out. Mea:)
Geishawhelk Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 You tell girl #one that you are "truly sorry, and that really it's something you've thought about, but you feel you should break up. It's not her, it's not you, but you believe you're incompatible." And - watch it - she will immediately ask you - is there someone else? How you answer this one, will give her an insight into the degree of your integrity. "Yes, possibly. But I've made no moves in that direction, before talking to you about us. And I won't go behind your back, and I won't go behind hers. If you'd met someone else - even possibly, I know you'd be completely up-front, and do the same for me." Then, you re-approach girl #2, and tell her that you're looking forward to going out with her. Tell her nothing about this relationship. Let it come up naturally in time.
Trimmer Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 You tell girl #one that you are "truly sorry, and that really it's something you've thought about, but you feel you should break up. It's not her, it's not you, but you believe you're incompatible." And - watch it - she will immediately ask you - is there someone else? How you answer this one, will give her an insight into the degree of your integrity. "Yes, possibly. But I've made no moves in that direction, before talking to you about us. And I won't go behind your back, and I won't go behind hers. If you'd met someone else - even possibly, I know you'd be completely up-front, and do the same for me." I like this approach in general, but I think "I've made no moves in that direction..." pretty much skirts around the truth: She and I went out for a date tonight. Everything went perfect. We both made plans to see each other in few days. OP: if you don't want to lie, as you mentioned, then there's probably no getting around telling her you've been out with someone else already, as she is likely to probe, as Geisha has suggested. What is your existing relationship like, e.g. you are "dating", but have you talked about exclusivity, or about dating others? It seems like in 3 months things would have progressed to being exclusive, but how do you think she would take the knowledge of your going out with someone else while you were together? Before things went sour, how would you have taken the idea of her going out with someone else? I think if your existing relationship had gotten to the "exclusive" point, then you've greatly complicated the whole "dont' want to lie" thing by going out with someone else before breaking it off with your current GF.
Geishawhelk Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 What I meant was that it hadn't gotten to the 'infidelity' physical stage. Girls are sensitive about other women on the scene. I think that he does need to definitely finish one before embarking on the other, "with gusto", as they say......
Trimmer Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 What I meant was that it hadn't gotten to the 'infidelity' physical stage. Ah, yes, but that's the old "well, we haven't really done anything yet" excuse, which I still say is dancing around the real truth: he has gone out and pursued and dated someone else - with more plans made for the future - before breaking it off with the existing GF. That's why I was trying to feel around the edges of how the current relationship is structured. If it's one of those it's-OK-to-date-multiple-people-at-the-same-time kinds of things, then sound the all-clear. However, if they agreed to be exclusive, then saying "it hadn't gotten physical yet" isn't going to help things a lot, for the very reason you state here: Girls are sensitive about other women on the scene. In general, I don't find it terribly horrible the situation he's in - a short term relationship that isn't working out, one date with someone else, and he's looking for a graceful and honest way to exit the first relationship. It doesn't quite rise to the level of gaslighting and dishonesty that we see elsewhere. I'm just saying that if he's really true to his stated intention - not to lie to her - that it sounds like there might be enough of an overlap between the two women here to cause him some reason to squirm a bit. Anyway, I definitely agree: I think that he does need to definitely finish one before embarking on the other, "with gusto", as they say......
carhill Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 OP, you've got kids. The grass is not greener. I'd suggest a break from dating and considering the ramifications of the dynamic on your children, if your philosophy is to introduce them to your dating partners early-on. Specifically, regarding "breaking up", my rule of thumb is, if you have had sex with her, you break up in person
Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 kars, the horse is already out the gate, when you started to date someone else. 'Grats, you've just become one of the monkeys, swinging from branch to branch. Shut it down with the first woman before proceeding further with the second one. Treating people with a lack of respect when exiting, will sooner or later come back to bite you in the arse. "I'm sorry. It's not working between us. I wish you well."
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