darnay Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Okay, some of you may know my story. I was dumped by the same guy twice in a period of nine months. The final time was in August and after a brief dalliance with "friendship" I went NC in the middle of September and haven't spoken to him since. I've had a couple of texts from him over the past few month and then wobbled a little over Christmas Day/Boxing Day when I received a card from him saying that he hoped one day i'd find it in my heart to forgive him. thus far I have not replied to anything I have received.. Thing is it got me thinking, it has been 5 months since we split and it's about time I stopped carrying around this anger, hurt and ill feeling. It does me no good. I have done the NC thing, it did what it said on the package and gave me space to rebuild and concentrate on myself. Now at the cusp of a new year I just want to move on. For my own good I need to forgive him and want to stop the ill feeling. I do not want him back in my life, it is over, and for a number of reasons my feelings for him are no longer as they would be for a lover/partner. I can see he is obviously hurting and feeling guilty about what he did, and I feel it's time all of this stopped. I guess my question is do I break NC, offer him my forgiveness and thus free us from further hurt?
MotoMan Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 If you're completely over him, I'd say, send him a letter/email forgiving him, but set the boundary by telling him that you've moved on and that you wish him well, but to stay away from you and under no circumstances to contact you ever again. You've got to stick to your guns. If you're not totally over him, or harboring some feeling that maybe, just maybe things could work between you, then don't break NC...
Author darnay Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 If you're not totally over him, or harboring some feeling that maybe, just maybe things could work between you, then don't break NC... trust me there isnt any chance in hell he would get me back after twice being dumped and then discovering the stuff on the internet i found.
9Lives Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I think it is good to clear the air especially if it is kinda holdind YOU back . I cleared the air with my ex and I am glad about it. like you he did not treat me right but I realize it wasn't working for me anyway. I deserve to be treated much much much better. I talk to him but I have to keep my mind right so I don't slip into wrong thinking. it took time but im getting bette and better. and you shouldn't feel bad about letting go of the bitterness. it is not worth it.
Ingenue Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 darnay, From personal experience I've found that letting go has been the most liberating feeling. I was dumped by my ex via email after being with him for 5 years. I went strict NC for 5 months and in fact Christmas Eve was the 6 months "anniversary" of when he dumped me. Roughly two weeks prior to Christmas Eve I decided to let it all go. I declared 2009 the year of Ingenue and that meant that I was going to usher in the new year with a new attitude. I didn't want to carry around all this anger and resentment and hatred. He's human. He made a mistake. I told him the enormity of the mistake, how it impacted me and that he should never ever do it again to any woman. He seemed genuinely apologetic and I told him that I forgave him. I didn't know if we would be friends. I told him that I forgave him not because he needed it but because this was part of my healing for myself and only for myself. This wasn't about him. This was about me doing what I needed to do. After that night, I've felt so good about myself. I know that I've disappointed many friends by not sticking to NC and not hating my ex forever. But I've realised that everything I do for my healing should be because I think it is right, not because somebody told me to do so or not because it's a rule. Forgiving my ex was what I needed to do to move on. It may not be what any other person needs to do. I feel amazing right now and I know that 2009 will truly be a year that I enter without anger and resentment. 2009 will be a year that I enter with peace and calm and a confidence in myself that I am content with who I am. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. Just remember to do it for yourself because it benefits you
Author darnay Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 Thanks guys for your sage advice. NC for me was NEVER about rules and what other people said I should do or shouldn't do. It was all about me finding a place and indeed some inner strength whereby I could regroups, reassess my life and begin to move forward. Not contacting him for 3-4 months proved I do not need this man in my life. Funnily enough I have heard from a mutual friend on MSN today that my ex is ashamed of what he did and how he treated me, but I also know him well enough to know that he hates to be disliked or feel that's someone doesn't love him and that is eating away at his ego - yeah he's very very immature in that respect. Another thing I discovered is he has pulled the exact "dumping" party trick he did to me with numerous other ex partners, but they have all retained a contact, whereas I haven't. That is obviously bruising his ego. In spite of this I am of a mind to email him or even better offer to meet him and tell him that he is absolved of any guilt - not for his own good but selfishly for me to be able to move on and forget him. I no longer want this man who hurt me so very much as a fellow traveller in my life.
Author darnay Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Weirdest thing has now happened to me. I've been complete NC with my ex since September and yesterday I receive an email from his ex ex i.e. the guy he was in a relationship with before me. I vaguely knew his ex before we got together but havent spoken to him for over 2 years now. I get this message saying he hopes I don't mind him contacting me and how am I doing etc.. How weird is that?
Joyvke Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Weirdest thing has now happened to me. I've been complete NC with my ex since September and yesterday I receive an email from his ex ex i.e. the guy he was in a relationship with before me. I vaguely knew his ex before we got together but havent spoken to him for over 2 years now. I get this message saying he hopes I don't mind him contacting me and how am I doing etc.. How weird is that? Very weird, wonder why he likes to contact . Did you reply on him?
Author darnay Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Okay, so i'm back..... I split with my ex 12 months ago when he decided he never really loved or wanted me after 3 yrs together. I went NC until February of this year and then stupidly, stupidly stupidly I let him back into my life. He'd been contacting me, I was lonely and vulnerable and I caved in, we met up and started chatting, texting and meeting up again. I was careful to make sure that it didn't progress any further this time than friendship, even though at times I could sense he wanted it to and even though he was sleeping around with any guy he could find.. Anyway, the last 6 months of us "trying" to be friends have, upon reflection, been the dumbest most lame ass thing I have ever done, period! Why I thought the MOST selfish man ever to walk the earth would suddenly morph into a caring friend who actually considered someone other than himself is quite beyond me.. The period we've been in contact has been a sorry tale of me trying to help him through a different failed relationship every fortnight, him making demands on me and my time, him being selfish, him being dramatic, him being a diva, and him basically not taking any notice of the money/work problems I've been having or indeed paying any attention to my life at all... As a consequence I have reached the point this week when he gave me his usual weekly - call starting with "I know I only call you when I need something but..." then asking me to sort out his business problems and whilst going on to tell me how he was now deeply in love with a new guy, more so than he has ever been in love before.. That was the breaking point, the point where I realised this man was poison and would continue to drag me down and have a negative impact on my life until I did something about it. So, once more, only this time for good I have closed the book on him, blocked his mobile number, booted him and his dodgy friends from my facebook and decided I no longer need him in my life.. He's history and the the lesson I have learned is that No Contact should NEVER be broken.
lizzylizliz Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Hear, hear Sorry you got burned again. Happened to me a few weeks. ago. Now I've had the dignity to tell him to stay the hell away from me, and out of my life. Feeling better for it! You speak the truth, my dear.
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