peacebyinches Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Long, dont expect anyone to read it. Just posting it here so I don't send it to her and feel the disappointment of not getting the response I want. I just don't want you to think I hate you. I don't. You lost the feeling but I live with a lot of regret. I changed for the worse over the course of a few months. I ignored your calls, I couldn't be a good boyfriend to you, I pretty much quit life for a while. I thought I wanted you to move on because I loved you so much I didn't want to take you down with me. I take some responsibility for you losing what you once felt. Nothing I say or do will make you feel what you once felt. I never felt more a part of something that seemed like destiny. Like all the planets lined up, fate was taking course, and our souls connected. While I started losing everything I worked for I was blinded to the most important thing in my life. Someone that seemed to complete me. I'm a passionate all or nothing dude. I never felt a connection with someone so much by just holding their hand. Laying with you in the cold grass watching the cars go by on I-95 was like nothing I ever experienced. The second time we ever kissed in EJs living room on that hot ass Saturday I tried to look at you as just a piece of ass but as weird as this sounds as we were closing our eyes to kiss I could still see you when our eyes were shut and we were kissing. It felt like you became a part of me at that moment. I know I expressed my feelings well when we were together. For some reason I never mentioned that because I didn't want to seem weird. I fell in love with you right there. Nothing like that has ever happened. Nothing in my life ever seemed so perfect. I could listen to you talk for hours. I forgot what you were to me until you were gone. I'm smiling and laughing and having a good time on the outside these days but I lost half of me when I lost you and I feel empty on the inside. That's why I cant go back to being friends. We didn't have an everyday relationship. We had something I will never understand and will probably never have again. It was something I believe made me strong enough to move a mountain to get to you. Knowing you felt that way with me at one time and no longer feel it devastates me. Hearing your voice haunts me. I see you in my sleep it is so bad. I could never look weak in front of you again like I did the last couple months. One is I am not that weak, it wasn't me, and two is I want you to remember how strong I really am. The only way I can see me doing that is to be strong in dealing with the loss of the most important person to me. I am going to get everything back in my life and then some. I learned a tough lesson the hard way in this struggle of mine. I want you to know I am strong. I can do this and I learned what I needed to learn. I will never lose it all again. I also want you to know that there are a couple of reasons I would have no problem with you contacting me. One is if anyone ever hurts you physically. I would never let anyone do that. You deserve to be happy and have someone to protect you. You are the most beautiful thing on this planet. You shouldn't have to ever be hurt. The other is if you ever have a problem you think only I can help you get through. I mean I have to be your only resort. I'm here for that but I mean as a last resort. I am serious about that. I need these wounds to heal and wouldn't want them reopened because you contacted more out of comfort than necessity. The third is if you realized you made a mistake walking away. As time goes by and my feelings change I can't guarantee how I will react but right now I can't imagine not giving something that seemed so meant to be a second chance. Everyone makes mistakes and I for one know that. You are my heart. At least it seems that way to me right now. I'm picking up the pieces and moving on and doing what I need to do but am leaving that door open to you. No one will ever love you like I do. I guarantee that. However if it isn't mutual it isn't fair to either of us. If I don't seem like the one for you then I wouldn't want to stop you from finding what you are looking for as much as it hurts. I love you Beth. I hope now you understand why I can't do the friend thing. It isn't out of hate or resentment. It is because of how much I love you.
Author peacebyinches Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 man i got weak and sent it. **** now im mad at myself. this **** is hard. i love that girl.
Author peacebyinches Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 Big mistake. Now Im gonna go crazy waiting on her response if she even does. Damn it I was wasn't doing great before this but now I feel 100000 times worse.
roghornio Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I hope you at least broke it up into paragraphs . Seriously though, sending these kind of things is never a good idea.
Tinkerbelll Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Well, it's OK: you said her all you need to say, there's no shame, pride etc..on this. But now, go NC. If she cares, she will contact you..that's how things work. Good luck!
EmperorR Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 ah we all been there before I went NC, I wrote my cheating ex like a 1,200 word essay and sent it
Tinkerbelll Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 ah we all been there before I went NC, I wrote my cheating ex like a 1,200 word essay and sent it Yeah.. I sent 5 texts and call him..he never replied ha ha ha But 46 NC days later he was the one to show up! Honestly, at that time I would have never ever believed that he could use again my phone number! I am fine in my NC throne now, I will agree to meet him again once he has clear up his mind. Otherwise, I will just go on on my own, as I am doing now.
LostNLonely Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Beautiful letter, sentimental and heartfelt but not something you have sent to your ex...you know this now...you were weak...it's okay to be human. If you had no feelings whatsoever that would be different, never be ashamed of your love for this woman or the lengths you'll go to win her back. But, there comes a time, for your own sake, that you need to muffle your screams and hide your pain, the time is now, when and if she responds, you should explain the impulse which drove you to send her the letter and assure her that you instantly regretted it and will not replicate the mistake. I was still writing my ex letters months later, and was pretty sure that she wasn't reading them, because either she blocked my email address or simply wasn't logging in to the account at all. That's my definition of pathetic. Just channel that emotion and energy into something positive and useful. Do like what I'm trying to do by writing to you, help someone out who isn't as far along in the grieving process as you. It will not take your mind off of her, but it will allow time to catch up to your wound and hopefully heal it well enough that you can eventually move on. My best regards for your healing...
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