undignified Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I told my husband we need to separate. We have been married for 18 years. We got married very young. Have four children. One just left for college three are left at home. It hasn't been "right" for some years now. Little lies and omissions on his part that deteriorated any hope for true intimacy but the last 3 years have really been bad. My husband has degenerative disc disease at 41. He had surgery 2 years ago that didn't really seam to work. His doctors pushed more and more opiates on him and he was a zombie taking more than prescribed and then running out early and looking for ways to get more. He became angry all the time isolating himself when home and doing nothing around the house. I sunk into a depression myself relying on my oldest to do many of the household chores while I worked full time for the first time since my children were born. I am glad that I did go to work because a year ago my husband lost his good paying job. It was then that I learned he was stealing from his work and doing some unethical things. My nephew, who is also an addict and worked for my husband, would tell me sister things about my husband that would get back to me. Things that I suppose I knew but looked the other way. When my daughter left for school I really felt the pressure. She was my partner in the house she was my confidant and friend that my husband had forfeited in order for drugs. I was ready to leave by October and I told him as much. To prevent this he went into detox and stayed for a week. This was the first time his parents learned of his problem A week of no pay which we couldn't afford especially since it was a new job for him but it was necessary. He came out and came home but didn't follow up with a counselor and within 2 weeks he had gone back to his pain doctor and he put him back on his fentanyl patch(opiates). He asked me what I thought and I told him it was a bad idea. That evening I was with my kids for an after school event and got a call as soon as we got there. Apparently he had passed out at work from the meds. I had to take the kids out and go pick him up at work because boss wouldn't let him drive home. Yet another time the kids life had been thrown into chaos because of his drugs. He told me he would stop taking the fentanyl and I believed him. I don't know why. He never did. He had my 7 year old at walmart with him and couldn't find the car that was only 6 spaces from the door even when the 7 yr old told him where it was. He freaked out and scared her to death. That was a week before Thanksgiving. I didn't let them ride with him again. That made him angry. I still had no idea he was back on meds. The day before thanksgiving he broke a tooth and looked ashen all day thanksgiving. His mother was worried and I was too. Friday afternoon I took him to the dentist who pulled the tooth and gave him, you guessed it, Vicodin. I was angry that he took the script and got it filled. he said he wouldn't take it but I wasnt sure. I started to think he broke his own tooth to get meds. It was a tumultuous weekend and he kept telling me to count the vicodin he wasn't taking it. I didn't but as the weekend went on he started getting flu like symptoms. I again told him I was going to look for another place to live with the kids.By Sunday afternoon he had checked himself back into detox. He drove himself there while I went with my daughter, who was home for the weekend, and had breakfast with his parents. I told them after to call him that he wasn't feeling well and checking back into detox. It was him that I had made up my mind to end our marriage. I told him when he got out that he could come home until after the holidays but he needed to find a place. He has been seeing a therapist whom I have spoken to, and he seems to be doing better. However my trust in him has gone forever. All of the little lies before the drugs and then the big ones after the drugs and hiding the drugs after the 1st detox has just broken irreparably what was already not great. And now Christmas has come and gone. He is swinging between being angry and saying terrible things to me to being weepy and touchy feely which I tell him is not OK. He sent me a text message from work one night asking if we could have sex saying it wouldn't have to mean anything just a tension release. How many other times was that his intent I wonder? I know that he hasn't been happy for some time. perhaps that's the reason for his drug abuse. But my problem is I feel tremendous guilt about ending a 22 year relationship. He says he wants me he needs me he loves me. I say its too little too late. I am worried though that it will push him back to the drugs. I am also worried that if I stay he will go back to the drugs. it has after all only been a month. I am worried that If i don't do this now I will spend another 5, 10, 15 years on the roller coaster and I worry that there is more that I don't know that if I did would absolutely kill me and I need to distance myself from this before I find out. How do I make this easy on him? How do I make him see that its for the best? How do I keep my resolve when i start to feel nostalgic for the early years?
cyabye Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 When you got married, do you remember making the vow "for better or worse, through sickness and in health"? Your husband seems to acknowlege that he has a problem and is seeking help to correct this problem. If he is genuine over time, you can learn to trust him again. Separating to end the marriage will only compound the depression and possibly his problem. You will need counseling as you're married to an addict. That is what love and commitment to one another is all about. Ending your marriage will not make things better for anyone. You make think you have peace and feel better because you "cut" yourself from your husband's problems but in the end your husband needed and wants your help and you called it quits. Now I don't see a problem with protecting yourself and your children from his addiction by separating for him to get better but I wouldn't give up completely just yet. He needs to know this. cyabye
nittygritty Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Your responsibilities are to take care of your kids and yourself. It's not your fault that he's an addict and you can't control whether or not he stays clean. He should still move out for at least 6 months. If you already know now that you want a divorce, you need to tell him. If he's saying that his recovery hinges on you staying married to him then it's just manipulation on his part and he will most likely be using again as soon as you take him back. Your financially supporting and raising the kids all by yourself, how much easier can you make it for him?
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