Chand9425 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 He's great, good looking, supportive, funny, and my best friend. We've been friends since high school, and I am going on 25. We started dating three years ago, when we decided it would be stupid to not give a relationship a shot. The first time i kissed him, i knew there was no chemistry, no intimacy. I thought to myself... He's great though... I should try to make chemistry happen. Be patient, let the chemistry develop. For three years we have kissed, and had sex, and not was i really in it. My problem, is that this is the kind of guy you marry and have kids with. He's not a bad kisser, but when i kiss him, it is empty. We have lived together now for 3 years, and I am not terribly unhappy. We have a good time together and make dinner, go out, hang out with friends. We talk about marriage and kids, and owning a house. This guy was in love with me since we first met, 7 years ago. I never felt about him, the way he feels about me. I am so mad at myself for not being honest. I am such an ***Hole. Me breaking it off with him will come as a total shocker to him, but i don't want to waste our time, and marriage, pretending, or hoping i will fall in love with him. I am sick at the thought of how much i will miss our relationship after we part ways. How do you tell someone you love them, and you have always enjoyed being with them, but you don't like kissing them, and you aren't in love with them? He is not an emotional guy either. He isn't going to fall on his knees and beg, it isn't his style. Maybe i should just tell him one step at a time. Tell him i don't feel intimate with him, and see what kind of conversation happens. But, he is the kind of guy who doesn't talk much. Also, he lost his virginity to me. And, i know his whole family VERY well. This is going to be tough. I don't want to do it during the holidays.
Frankasy Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Be honest. It will come like a arrow in the heart for him since you've been together all these years and that he loves you but I don't think there's any other way you can get out of this. Just tell him exactly how you feel, what you just wrote her. He will understand, I mean he too wouldn't want to marry someone who sometimes or a lot of times doesn't feel for him. Remember to take it slowly, to be calm and gentle with him and try to make him understand.
MWH Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Wow. I'm speechless. What a thought-provoking post indeed! You love him but no fireworks.... He's the kind of guy you settle down and have kids with... You're caring enough to think this through... you are considerate of his feelings... I don't really know but it sounds to me like maybe you ought to marry him! To me it looks like two very decent people living a very decent life! I don't think that love=fireworks to be honest. I think that is more like infatuation. I think that if you are to follow through and break it off with him you might very-well find out down the road that the "fireworks" and all that are usually short-lived and that love, commitment, and togetherness is a decision more than a feeling. Kinda like where you have been with him all along. Wow. Not mocking you at all with my "wows". I'm really kind of taken aback by your well-written and sincere post. I better jump out of here and subscribe to this thread and see what develops for my own knowledge. I wish you the best no matter the outcome and I must commend you for being such a class act. Peace, MWH
peacebyinches Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Have you ever went outside the relationship? Just curious. Sucks you let it go on this long but I guess you got to break his heart. No easy way to do that. There is no such thing as "letting someone down easy" IMO. Its one of the worst pains a man can feel. Nothing about it is easy but it goes away eventually.
starzphalling Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Breaking up with nice guys is horrible. You're probably gonna feel like crap, at least I did. But if you can't reciprocate his feelings, its not fair to either of you to continue on. When I did it that's basically what I told him. Just that I didn't feel it was fair to him for me to not have the same feelings for him that he did for me. He did nothing wrong, it just wasn't there, and I couldn't lead him on. I think another big part of this, is going to be after you do it, make sure you have absolutely no contact for a long while. It will do nothing but hurt him if he hears from you, and give him hope that he can change things. At least thats my two cents about the situation.
reservoirdog1 Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Well, to put it simply, you have no choice but to be honest with him. Far better to have it continue, you get unhappy with the situation but feel you can't break his heart, and then one day you start cheating. There isn't a way out of this that won't devastate him. But the reality of life is, WE LOSE THE ONES WE LOVE. Either we die first, or they do. Eventually, we're all going to lose everybody we care about. I don't mean that to sound excessively gloomy, but rather to put everything in context. You have a right to be happy and fulfilled in your own life. If you've been giving it your all for three years and you just don't feel it, this may be the time to end things. He will be hurt. Badly. But if you're not feeling it, you won't have done anything morally wrong by ending the relationship. On the contrary. His friends and family will be there to comfort him and console him. And they will eventually have to remind him that, although he's hurting, you did the right thing by ending the relationship if you weren't in love with him. And time is the best healer in this situation. He will get over it, in time. The only thing that will make things better is time. For him and for you.
Author Chand9425 Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 Well. There was a night a year ago, where i was playing a card game, late at night, very drunk, with a few co-workers, and i ended up kissing the guy across from me. I wasn't attracted to the guy, it was the game. When i kissed him, i did it passionately. I wanted to really feel fireworks. Its funny, but i didn't. It was a gross kiss. Unfamiliar and even more wrong than the way my guy and i kiss right now. I haven't done any act of the like since then. The relationship i had before this guy was extremely damaging. He was very obsessive and very passionate, and ended up being schizophrenic. He was very confused when i broke it off with him, became very delusional and really believed i wanted to kill myself with him so we could be together. It was a very difficult situation to be in... and my current boyfriend was there the whole time, supporting me. I love him, i just don't want to be intimate. what if this past relationship has really messed me up. maybe i should see a therapist. i don't have insurance. oh well.
EmperorR Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Just do it, it's better now than later, but don't drag him along with the "we can still be friend's line", if you really care about him. So wow you already kissed another guy, did you tell him? Hopefully everything works out for you, the grass isn't always greener on the other side though, any way you tell him, it's going to crush him, he'll cry say stuff be sad be angry.
peacebyinches Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 any way you tell him, it's going to crush him, he'll cry say stuff be sad be angry. Forgot to mention this part. He will go through all his emotions and may make the mistake of calling, texting, or seeing you while going through them. Understand his world, well what he believes to be his world at the moment, is crushed. He'll need you, hate you, love you, be ok with it, not be ok with it. Just please dont hate him for it in the end. e'll get back to normal eventually and THEN you MAY be able to go back to the friendship if he is still interested, or you after what you may be about to go through. **** love. Im never doing it again. I knew I should of ****ed her a few times and been done with it.
RecordProducer Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Ok, you don't need to go from one extreme to another: from pretending to brutal honesty. Skip the kissing. Also skip telling him that you never felt any chemistry. Just tell him that you don't feel that he is the one, that you're not madly in love and you would like to be just friends with him.
saturnfell Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 It's not fair to either of you. The both of you need to be "in love" with the person they are in a relationship with. You will never be satisfied with the relationship if you stay. This will always be hanging over you and you may very well look back in years to come and regret all the time you spent with this person not being in the kind of relationship it seems you're looking for. I don't think you want to end up resenting this man; which very well may be the outcome even though he has not done anything wrong. You have a choice: you can settle and accept him as your life partner. Be married, buy a house and have children, but will that be enough for you? Will you find yourself in someone else's arms one day? It's best to think of all these things before you start making wedding plans and walk down the isle. Decisions you make now impact the rest of your life. THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I know there are skeptics, but... I believe each of us has the opportunity to be swept away. Many of us have because of the reactions and advice given. We've all been that in love. We just need to find it, maybe for the first time, second, etc. You can love someone and not be in love with them. However, not being "in" love is a pretty hard way to continue on.
saddy Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 My wife just broke with me two months ago, so I've been thinking a lot about this kind of situation lately. I think you'd better break with him now. Don't wait, there won't be any "right time" for that, just do it. Honestly, let's consider the alternative: you don't love him but still stays with him. Who's gonna be happy with that? - Not you because, you won't be with a man you love. - Not him, because even if he does love you, he will somehow feel that you don't love him back. Because you just cannot fake it! The result is that if you stay together, neither of you is going to be happy. Breaking with him, now, is probably the greatest thing you can do for him. It's seems that you haven 't been in many relationships, I am right? Well, that was my case. And I realize now that I wasn't in love with my wife neither, but I just never broke up. I thought my relationship was ok because I had no point of comparison. How can you know if your relationship is good if you don't know what a good relationship is? My advice is: break with him, live your life, have new experiences, and when you'll be ready, you'll find the right man. PS: it's definitely going to be a hard time, that's for sure. You have mutual friends and it just won't be easy to deal with that. But you'll also discover who your real friends are. And also, like everybody said, yes: after breaking up, take your distance for a while. Even if it seems that he wants to hear from you, he just doesn't. It's autodestructive curiosity.
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