Hedging my bets??? NEED INPUT!!

[tassle01]

Wondering what the best means to go about trying to get a second chance with an ex boyfriend. After 3 years of dating and 2 years of seeing each other/long distance relationship/constant fighting what is the best means to go about reconcilation??? We have not been officialy together for 2 years but have been in touch during this time, have seen each other during brief stints and have most recentely started to fight each time we talk. He is mean to me but says he is just "joking around" and maybe one day we will get back together. He is working in Europe and won't be back for a while. I love him and want another chance together, I am having trouble moving on, hence my keeping in contact with him and consantly raising questions about our future for the past 2 years. How should I approach the situation in order to get the best possible chance of getting back together at some point down the line? Thanks.

[Benique]

Get close to him again . It is your chance to see if this relationship is worth your efforts .

[tassle01]

For the past 2 years I've tried to get close, went to see him twice and saw him when he was back in the USA. However , my efforts have not worked thus far and he is not reciprocating the effort that I am putting in. I think it is worth in the long run, as my love for him is very strong. I just don't know how to approach him anymore. He dosen't seem to be interested in speaking to me on the phone and never calls or writes anymore. Should I just let him go and see if he will come back ??? Or is there a more proactive way of approaching the situation?

[saturnfell]

When will he be back? In my opinion, the best thing for you to do is wait it out. Since you can't see him right now, keep the conversation light. I would imagine (and please tell me if I'm wrong) that when the two of you speak on the phone there is quite a bit of tension. The best way to make positive movement towards what you'd like your future to be, is to spend time together; which isn't possible right now. What does he say?

[Benique]

If he knows how much strongly you do love him , he has to be back once he has same feelings to you .

If you did all your best to contact him ,and he is avoiding you at the moment , then what else can you add and do ?

Just wait a bit ,then remind of your self once again . Watch and see . You will get the answer from him . This or that way ..

[moonshadow]

Wondering what the best means to go about trying to get a second chance with an ex boyfriend. After 3 years of dating and 2 years of seeing each other/long distance relationship/constant fighting what is the best means to go about reconcilation??? We have not been officialy together for 2 years but have been in touch during this time, have seen each other during brief stints and have most recentely started to fight each time we talk. He is mean to me but says he is just "joking around" and maybe one day we will get back together. He is working in Europe and won't be back for a while. I love him and want another chance together, I am having trouble moving on, hence my keeping in contact with him and consantly raising questions about our future for the past 2 years. How should I approach the situation in order to get the best possible chance of getting back together at some point down the line? Thanks.

 

Ask yourself logically, WHY you would want to get back together with a man who is "mean" to you but then blows off his meanness by claiming he's just "joking"? Can you give some examples of how he has been mean to you, where he then alleges he was just joking?

 

Was it mean things he said, or did, or both?

 

You say you've recently been fighting a lot. Fighting about what exactly?

 

Ask yourself logically -- why you would want to get back with someone who is mean to you, who you fight with?

[saturnfell]

For the past 2 years I've tried to get close, went to see him twice and saw him when he was back in the USA. However , my efforts have not worked thus far and he is not reciprocating the effort that I am putting in. I think it is worth in the long run, as my love for him is very strong. I just don't know how to approach him anymore. He dosen't seem to be interested in speaking to me on the phone and never calls or writes anymore. Should I just let him go and see if he will come back ??? Or is there a more proactive way of approaching the situation?

 

If I were you, I would take some time away. He knows how you feel and how to find you. Let things ride for a little while. If the two of you care for one another enough, the two of you will find the way back to one another. It's easy for me to say, I'm sorry. I have loved and lost. I do know though, you will be better for it. The worst thing you can do is stick around when someone keeps pushing you aside. He may have things he needs to work through that he's not communicating to you. His side of this situation could go many ways. You should concentrate on yourself right now. Putting a little distance between the two of you for awhile while you think won't hurt anything.

[moonshadow]

For the past 2 years I've tried to get close, went to see him twice and saw him when he was back in the USA. However , my efforts have not worked thus far and he is not reciprocating the effort that I am putting in. I think it is worth in the long run, as my love for him is very strong. I just don't know how to approach him anymore. He dosen't seem to be interested in speaking to me on the phone and never calls or writes anymore. Should I just let him go and see if he will come back ??? Or is there a more proactive way of approaching the situation?

 

Why are you chasing him? It's clear that he doesn't feel the same about you, I'm sorry to be blunt.

 

I get the impression that you're just in love with the "idea" of being in love with him.......but not really the real person that he is. It seems to me that you're obsessed with him and you've been unable to let go and move on, over these past 2 years.

 

Hun, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. If a man loves a woman and wants to make a life with her, he will move heaven and earth to make it happen. Isn't THAT the kind of man you want -- someone who loves you and shows it and makes the effort?

 

All of the effort you're putting into him, you are wasting precious "healing time" such that when the RIGHT guy comes along, you'd be ready for him. You are short-changing yourself.

 

You should not ever have to chase someone to make them love you or return the love you (think you) feel for them. You can't MAKE someone love you.

 

Let him go. Move on.

[tassle01]

He has told me numerous times "you can't make me love you". Yes, his feelings are not nearly on the same level as mine are, but once upon a time when we were dating his feelings were 100x more intenese than mine are right now. Maybe it is the distance or lack of family and friends around him that has made him become so cold towards me. I am willing to let go and move on but I am afraid that he will forget about me or never call me once he is back in the USA and feel that if I stop trying to make things work ... they may never work. I guess if that should happen it was how it was meant to be. It seems you are all singing to the same tune of getting him out of my life ASAP. He really is putting me down mentally and emotionally and while I DO not want someone like this in my life, I know how he used to be towards me in the 3 years that we were together and physically together in the same place. This is why my heart is still his, those memories will never leave me. Our relationship was wonderful before he went away and I am trying to do everything in my power to get it back ... to no avail.

[Adri Ana]

He has told me numerous times "you can't make me love you". Yes, his feelings are not nearly on the same level as mine are, but once upon a time when we were dating his feelings were 100x more intenese than mine are right now. Maybe it is the distance or lack of family and friends around him that has made him become so cold towards me. I am willing to let go and move on but I am afraid that he will forget about me or never call me once he is back in the USA and feel that if I stop trying to make things work ... they may never work. I guess if that should happen it was how it was meant to be. It seems you are all singing to the same tune of getting him out of my life ASAP. He really is putting me down mentally and emotionally and while I DO not want someone like this in my life, I know how he used to be towards me in the 3 years that we were together and physically together in the same place. This is why my heart is still his, those memories will never leave me. Our relationship was wonderful before he went away and I am trying to do everything in my power to get it back ... to no avail.

 

 

 

All bold are red flags .

 

-He told you those words .. A loving man/woman would never tell that to his/her lover ,you know that ?

-You are afraid that he will forget you ...if you stop trying .

Then tell me is he worth trying all this ?

-He is putting you down mentally and emotionally . Is it happening only now at the moment or constantly now ?

-Your relationship Was good,this does not mean it will always be good .

 

 

 

I am sorry , really sorry to tell you all this, but it is the truth , the sincere truth , that you have to move on once he takes no efforts to be back with you .

...And it`s only you taking the efforts .

[tassle01]

I feel as though he puts me down when we speak and he is not interested in the conversation or simply has no desire to speak to me in the first place. I have pushed him away in this span of two years by consantly calling him and pleading with him for another chance and continuosly asking the question of what will happen in the future. Of course, I know, he cannot give me any of these answeres especially about the future. I really want to try to un-do the damage and play it as safe as I can. We are both were frustrated being apart from each other and once back together it's always been great although short. I don't want to play the push/pull game with him. I know he has feelings for me, he has always had issues expressing his emotions so my nagging him consnantly is not helping. Is it worth it to continue the conversation of where is this relationship headed or simply let fate take its course ...

[Geishawhelk]

Ok, listen very carefully, because you're NOT getting it.

 

This is over.

It will not work any more.

It will never work again.

He will forget you, and move on, because that's what he wants to do, and he wants you to do the same.

2 years is waaaaay too long to be chasing a guy and getting nothing back in return.

That's because he has nothing he wants to give you.

He's tired of this, and I guess you should be too.

 

The way he felt about you before, is not the way he feels now.

No matter how much more intense he might have felt, it's all gone and turned 180-degrees, and is about-face.

 

You need to stop this, let it go, never contact him again, and walk away from it.

Because this is never, ever, ever going to come good.

Ever.

Ever.

[tassle01]

I agree with you 100%. I need to walk away. And I have tried. But then he always reappeares and turns my life upside down. We didn't speak for 3 months during these 2 years and after that 3 months he came back as if we had been speaking all along. Sometimes he will call me and tells me he misses me and can't wait to see me and that we are going to do this and that once we are together again. WHY THE HELL IS HE DOING THIS IF HE CLAIMS he dosen't want to be with me now and that I can't make him love me?????? I DONT UNDERSTAND. When I leave him alone and do my own thing he is needy when I am needy it is the reverse, he wants nothing to do with me once I start getting on his case. A man's POV, why does he feed me 2 stories??? This is what is preventing me from moving on, mostly.

[saturnfell]

I agree with you 100%. I need to walk away. And I have tried. But then he always reappeares and turns my life upside down. We didn't speak for 3 months during these 2 years and after that 3 months he came back as if we had been speaking all along. Sometimes he will call me and tells me he misses me and can't wait to see me and that we are going to do this and that once we are together again. WHY THE HELL IS HE DOING THIS IF HE CLAIMS he dosen't want to be with me now and that I can't make him love me?????? I DONT UNDERSTAND. When I leave him alone and do my own thing he is needy when I am needy it is the reverse, he wants nothing to do with me once I start getting on his case. A man's POV, why does he feed me 2 stories??? This is what is preventing me from moving on, mostly.

 

Regardless of what whichever conversation he's giving you, the fact that he's been rude and turned you away is enough reason for you to leave. You don't want to spend your time with someone like that. If he cares enough, and decides he wants to be with you, he will find you. You need to stop the contact and not answer the calls.

 

You asked how you can fix the mess: the only way to do this is to stop talking to him! That's the only way to fix this.

[Geishawhelk]

The only reason he can yank your chain, is because you've given him the other end to hold.

 

The thing to do now, is to write to him and tell him that 2009 is going to be your year. You're moving on, you're facing the future without him completely, and you wish him all the very best for a good life, but you're stepping off this roller-coaster to live yours. From now on, you're going No Contact, and please would he kindly respect that? Thanks. Goodbye!!

 

Then, go total No Contact. Cut him off from all available means of getting in touch with you.

Change your mobile number, change your e-mail account, change anything and everything you can.

If he still tries to get in touch RESIST EVERY TEMPTATION WITH EVERY FIBRE OF YOUR BEING, WITH EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT and deny him the pleasure of 'breaking you'.

No contact means No Contact.

Even if he replies with OK that's cool, thanks for letting me know - ignore it. Accept that as his last words to you.

Any further contact, ignore, completely.

 

If he tries again, some time down the line, (which should be difficult, if you've taken my recommendations to heart) simply respond with "What part of 'No Contact' did you not understand?"

 

You can do this. 2 years is too long to have dangled at the end of the cord.

Cut it!!

[Geishawhelk]

If you go NC it's with the full and complete intention of NEVER GETTING HIM BACK.

 

That's the whole point.

The point of NC is to move on, and forget about this.

You already know it's dysfunctional.

You already know it doesn't work.

you already know there's little or no hope of this ever being 100% good.

 

Look:

You can either go complete NC - and know you're saying goodbye for good - or stay in the mess you're in, keep dangling and spinning with him just out of arm's reach - until one day he shocks you with a metaphorical bucket of freezing water, by telling you he's engaged to be married......

 

But if you intend to keep doing this - and I'm really sorry this sounds harsh - don'' t come back in here and keep complaining about it.

You're Life is yours to drive and your choices

[tassle01]

Everything you say is really an eye opener. But if I go NC is there any way for the wounds to heal and for a second chance to develope somehow ... maybe even years later??? when he is back in the US, we both have our careers on track and our minds are more in sync with each other??? that is my only fear, i dont want to live wondering and fearing that i've missed my second chance.

[moonshadow]

Everything you say is really an eye opener. But if I go NC is there any way for the wounds to heal and for a second chance to develope somehow ... maybe even years later??? when he is back in the US, we both have our careers on track and our minds are more in sync with each other??? that is my only fear, i dont want to live wondering and fearing that i've missed my second chance.

 

Tassle, I think you're just not getting it.

 

If something is "meant to be' - a "second chance" as you refer to it, it will simply "be." If it's destiny that you 2 are meant to get back together down the road, nothing you do or do not do now will have any impact on it because if it's meant to be, everything will work out that it will happen. Stop focusing on the future and this desire to have a 2nd chance........by doing this you're screwing yourself out of a "first chance" with someone who's good for you, who will love you, who will not be mean or selfish. You're living in a fantasy land.

[burningashes]

I agree with Geisha and Moon here, you need to move on. Take it from someone who has gone through something similar with my ex. I was in a "half" relationship with my ex, we would go to family events and do things like a couple, but he wouldn't commit etc. I believed that as time went on, we would be fully a couple, that he would call me his girlfriend again etc, but after three years of being off and on- I had enough.

 

I really REGRET hanging around like that, and I'm telling you, go NC and move on. When I left my ex, he asked for a month more so he could fully commit and I said No- I knew that he was saying that because I was leaving and he had so many chances over the last three years. No way.

 

And now? I'm seeing someone new and I couldn't be happier! You deserve better than this! You deserve someone who WANTS you, who would move heaven and hell to be by your side, so to speak. You are going to be miserable for as long as this continues, I can guarantee you. Cut ties with him and move on- if he really wants to be with you, he'll be with you, period.

 

Good luck!

[saturnfell]

Tassle, I think you're just not getting it.

 

If something is "meant to be' - a "second chance" as you refer to it, it will simply "be." If it's destiny that you 2 are meant to get back together down the road, nothing you do or do not do now will have any impact on it because if it's meant to be, everything will work out that it will happen. Stop focusing on the future and this desire to have a 2nd chance........by doing this you're screwing yourself out of a "first chance" with someone who's good for you, who will love you, who will not be mean or selfish. You're living in a fantasy land.

 

Tassle: The bolded piece is highly accurate! Let time set the stage for your future.

[tassle01]

One of the reasons keeping me from moving on is that I yearn to undo the wrong that I have done. I feel like he will forever hold it against me unless I somehow undo it. I have appologized via e-mail and phone but it hasn't helped thus far. Nothing has really helped. I am always met with his disdain and careless attitude. He tells me he is afraid I will put my life on hold and keep waiting for him and he does not want that for me. He once said that we should stop talking and see what can happen when he is back in the USA. It's really difficult to stop talking to someone who has been the biggest part of your life for so long and as much as I try my sleepless nights and endless thoughts about him are not helping. We have a problem with communication and I feel as though if we could fix the problem and he would give the relationship another chance we could actually work things out, he, however, is very reluctant. I am such a determined person and hate being met with rejection when I've worked so hard towards and for something, this hurts the most.

[confused_2008]

One of the reasons keeping me from moving on is that I yearn to undo the wrong that I have done. I feel like he will forever hold it against me unless I somehow undo it. I have appologized via e-mail and phone but it hasn't helped thus far. Nothing has really helped. I am always met with his disdain and careless attitude. He tells me he is afraid I will put my life on hold and keep waiting for him and he does not want that for me. He once said that we should stop talking and see what can happen when he is back in the USA. It's really difficult to stop talking to someone who has been the biggest part of your life for so long and as much as I try my sleepless nights and endless thoughts about him are not helping. We have a problem with communication and I feel as though if we could fix the problem and he would give the relationship another chance we could actually work things out, he, however, is very reluctant. I am such a determined person and hate being met with rejection when I've worked so hard towards and for something, this hurts the most.

 

Reread the bolded part of your last post. He doesn't want you to put your life on hold for him! If he wanted to be with you and work things out, he wouldn't say that. Everybody has given you good advice, better than what I can really offer. I can relate to beating myself up about things I've done wrong in the past. Although it's hard to accept, I've just tried to look at it as learning from my mistakes and thinking how much better of a person I am having learned that about myself.

[spookie]

Tassle:

 

For us obsessive types, getting over someone's a real bitch; especially someone whose love we still remember, we can still feel, palpable and real, when we close our eyes.

 

No one can learn your lessons for you. Eventually, you'll come to the same conclusion that is so very obvious to all the other members of this board except you: that you need to move on. He has changed. The guy you remember, you fell in love with, whose feelings for you were so intense, is GONE. It's sad. You're grieving, like if he'd died, because effectively, he did. He's just as gone to you as if he were in the ground; there is nothing you can do to bring him back.

 

So give him space. Go about your own life. Let yourself change, let him change into who he was meant to be, let both of you forget. Just... let it go (because there's nothing you can do to bring him back; you miss him now, but you can't go back in time).

 

If it's meant to be, it'll happen; but you can't really sit there hoping and waiting that it does. Love happens like magic. The whole point is that it's out of your control. So let it go.

 

But I really think that in a couple of years, after you've made a commitment to forget about him, you'll change into someone else, and you'll forget, and eventually you'll meet someone who you think is more wonderful. I'm experiencing this, when I thought I never would. I spent so many nights missing my ex so bad I thought I was dying, and now I can barely remember what it was about him that made me cling so hard, that made me feel complete.

[tassle01]

Trying to keep strong knowing the right thing to do is to let him go ... I guess the beginning is just the most difficult part.

[tassle01]

my lack of self control caused me to dial his damn number today and he did not pick up ... not surprising. i hate that i am doing this to myself, how awful of me to throw my pride out the window. need to change asap