Author Capricciosa Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 One thing I can tell you for sure, is that this series of mixed messages was more than I could handle, and I went through a lot of anxiety, self confidence issues etc because of it. It was almost like she engineered the relationship to fail, without her even knowing it. Her hot and cold behavior ran up my insecurities.. and I got clingy.. then her need for space started planting doubts.. *sigh* This is a great thread btw. Sorry you went through that. I don't know if it helps, but it was probably not intentional, and you ex was probably suffering a lot too. It's maddening going from one extreme to the other. Perhaps if she had gotten some help from outside. It's a vicious cycle--one I'm hoping to get out of. Not only don't I want to keep repeating the same horrible pattern, I don't want to hurt others either. But it can be excruciating when it's happening. No rest for the wicked...
LovieDove24 Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I am so completely glad you posted this thread Cap, I have been trying to refer to it during this time of confusion in my current relationship. I started dating this guy about 3 months ago. I was extremely happy while he was "chasing" me for the first two months. Then, I began to reciprocate and show interest too by initiating contact and driving the 1/2 hour to get to his house. He was no longer the only one doing the pursuing. Since then, I've felt as vulnerable as a naked actor standing on stage. I'm constantly getting the urge to flee. And I mean constantly. Maybe this is not exactly how you experience your problem the chase vs. the catch but I think its similar. The minute I no longer feel "chased" by a man, I begin to question my security in the relationship. I realize give and take is necessary but its emotionally taxing for me to email a man and not hear back from him for a day or two. I don't mean to steal your thread but if anyones got advice I'm all ears...
Author Capricciosa Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 I have that same problem with emails, but with my guy I realized that he takes his time and my panic is mine to deal with. Because when he's contacting me too much, I feel a different kind of panic--the kind that makes me want to flee. So I relate to the anxiety of not knowing whether the bottom is going to drop out, and to feeling like I am putting myself in a vulnerable position just by contacting him, and then hoping it will be reciprocated. I'm trying to normalize this for myself by calling when I need to. I'm not there completely yet, but I don't know what other choice I have--the old pattern is too painful and unproductive. I suppose I will get used to his attention and his own need for solitude in time. In the meanwhile, I'm sitting tight and trying to "fake it 'til I make it." Oh, and you're welcome LD24--it's helping me do something with these feelings too.
movingonandon Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 At first I was annoyed at this thread, but then I realised that this is clearly a blessing in disguise for guys (unless they have the bad luck to fall in love). From what you've deswcribed ladies, there is approximately 1-3 months window where the guys is kinda ok, after which you push the "eject' button. Perfect lenght of time for a quilt-free fun! Next!
Author Capricciosa Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 At first I was annoyed at this thread, but then I realised that this is clearly a blessing in disguise for guys (unless they have the bad luck to fall in love). From what you've deswcribed ladies, there is approximately 1-3 months window where the guys is kinda ok, after which you push the "eject' button. Perfect lenght of time for a quilt-free fun! Next! Talk about missing the point...
Rebellious Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Sorry you went through that. I don't know if it helps, but it was probably not intentional, and you ex was probably suffering a lot too. It's maddening going from one extreme to the other. Perhaps if she had gotten some help from outside. It's a vicious cycle--one I'm hoping to get out of. Not only don't I want to keep repeating the same horrible pattern, I don't want to hurt others either. But it can be excruciating when it's happening. No rest for the wicked... If it makes you feel better it's a very common female behavior, the more they like you the more they push you away. It's self-destructive behavior because you weed out the good ones, which is the opposite of what you want.
motive2002 Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Hmm.. so for you guys out their wanting to break it off with your girlfriend, and you don't want to come off as the bad guy.. just do this: Tell her how madly in love with her you are.. and start calling her excessively and paying lots of attention to her. It will scare her off big time and you're conscious is clear hahahahaha.
movingonandon Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 If it makes you feel better it's a very common female behavior, the more they like you the more they push you away. It's self-destructive behavior because you weed out the good ones, which is the opposite of what you want. This makes no sense at all ! Why would anybody rational do that? Oh... wait...
movingonandon Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Cap's story reads like my ex-girlfriend.. daddy abandoned her.. mom was very intrusive.. fiercely independent.. felt like giving into a relationship was losing herself etc. etc. Curse me for being so drawn to this type of woman! At least I know the clues better now. I can get an idea if any of my future gfs are commitment phobes or not. In hindsight I really didn't let the ex breathe.. but she needed the constant validation despite simultaneous need for space. She'd bug me about leaving her evening time open.. but then question why I didn't call on my lunch break like I usually do if I missed a day. It was almost like she engineered the relationship to fail, without her even knowing it. *sigh* This is a great thread btw. Wow, wow, wow.. sounds so much like my ex.... I was dealing fine with this, or more precisely - was oblivious to it. But the point is that she did sabotage relationship in the end. I'm just amazed at the similarity in backgrounds and behaviors. Why the self-destructive behaviors??? THis seems to be waaay more commen than i thought. THere have to be some studies... We can't blame it all on mom and dad... And i don't think the issue is commitment phobia - men are commitment phobes because they have very major practical reasos to be (e.g. a legal system stacked entirely against men when it comes to family affairs). I'm not so sure what would be women's.
Author Capricciosa Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 . And i don't think the issue is commitment phobia - men are commitment phobes because they have very major practical reasos to be (e.g. a legal system stacked entirely against men when it comes to family affairs). I'm not so sure what would be women's. I don't think this is the only reason men are commitmentphobes--it's not all practical, a lot of it is also emotional. As for women--fear of being swallowed, fear of being trapped, fear that that's all there is--as the song goes, if that's all there is then let's keep dancing...
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Hmm.. so for you guys out their wanting to break it off with your girlfriend, and you don't want to come off as the bad guy.. just do this: Tell her how madly in love with her you are.. and start calling her excessively and paying lots of attention to her. It will scare her off big time and you're conscious is clear hahahahaha. That's great advice to push away someone commitment phobic!
Recommended Posts