Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1687468&postcount=27 Yes, and my piano falling might be open or closed. If you don't hear from me again, you can assume the latter. (By the way, you cannot live happily every after and be crushed by a piano.)
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Yes, and my piano falling might be open or closed. If you don't hear from me again, you can assume the latter. (By the way, you cannot live happily every after and be crushed by a piano.) Sure you can! As long as you're a "good" person/place or thing, the wheel of life won't need to ensure that you repay previous debts. The piano falling on you was just an accident!
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Sure you can! As long as you're a "good" person/place or thing, the wheel of life won't need to ensure that you repay previous debts. The piano falling on you was just an accident! For the sake of argument, unless you're Wile E Coyote, the falling piano ends "ever after." But I do believe in good karma and a benevolent universe, so I don't expect to be dodging piano's forevermore. (Though there are a few pianos I would happily drop on a few choice characters!)
You'reasian Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Here I am in the same old place again. I was interested in someone, went through all the motions and emotions of wanting them and being patient and hoping it would work out, and now that he seems to be very interested in me, part of me wants to shut it all down. I know I am not the only one with this affliction, and I am seriously sick of the chase. I want to enjoy the catch without feeling like fleeing, like I'm the one who is caught in a trap. So what have other people done to tame the fleeing animal inside? Is it possible that every man I'm interested in becomes less interesting/worthy the moment we become an item? I know this is me, and I would like to change it. How, how, how?! Do you get bored easily?
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Do you get bored easily? Repetitious experiences do bore me, but it doesn't make sense to get bored of someone before the experience has even properly begun.
You'reasian Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Repetitious experiences do bore me, but it doesn't make sense to get bored of someone before the experience has even properly begun. People can't change people. Usually God or circumstances do. This habit will be hard to change until its your turn to chase some guy that you care about and he runs on you (or worse, claims that he's found a woman whose a better person).... or maybe you'll change slowly over time.
hanginthere Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I have to say that I like the chasing to a point, but it pushes me away a bit. Too much and I am gone!
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 People can't change people. Usually God or circumstances do. This habit will be hard to change until its your turn to chase some guy that you care about and he runs on you (or worse, claims that he's found a woman whose a better person).... or maybe you'll change slowly over time. Sorry, I don't believe that at all...
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Sorry, I don't believe that at all... I agree that people can change but most people are too lazy to do so. Also, most don't really want to change. Trauma is something that can cause people to want to change. But that change has to be for themselves.
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 I agree that people can change but most people are too lazy to do so. Also, most don't really want to change. Trauma is something that can cause people to want to change. But that change has to be for themselves. I agree that most people are too lazy to change, but if something is not working, one must take some action. What I was also disagreeing with is that the cure is having to chase someone to be cured. That's just absolutely the problem not the solution.
D-Jam Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I never had this problem. I hate the chase and some even say I give up too easily on people...that I treat it all as too black and white. My way: Ask them out, they say "no" or give me some "iffy" kind of answer that means I'm not getting the date...I walk. The way some wish I would do (but I refuse): Ask them out, they say "no" or give me some "iffy" kind of answer that means I'm not getting the date...I wait and get to know them a little more, hang around, then ask them out again and try once or twice before giving up. I never felt this need to "flee" when it comes easily. I just am not the type who worries that some "better deal" will pop up the minute I commit to someone. It's crap because often times option A that you just passed up to pursue option B ends up beeing the better option. Plus I am more the type that I will be the ideal man for woman, and it's up to women to take it or run. I see those who run as the ones who passed up a good thing, and thus the ones who take a chance are the ones I will make feel like winners in life. How to get over the desire to flee? Stop thinking there might be a bigger better deal out there. Think about what YOU want in the LONG TERM. Don't sit there thinking he/she must look like this and act like that and be doing this in their free time, but more ask if this person will make you happy, not be a liability on your life, and won't bring you drama or problems. People who constantly flee either worry they will get hurt by someone, or they keep thinking they should "shop around". Many need to wake up and wonder what happens when they get older, and options become harder to come by. Seen a few of those...they complain to death how no one is good enough, but then cry on how much they want to find Mr or Ms Right.
Author Capricciosa Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 How to get over the desire to flee? Stop thinking there might be a bigger better deal out there. Think about what YOU want in the LONG TERM. Don't sit there thinking he/she must look like this and act like that and be doing this in their free time, but more ask if this person will make you happy, not be a liability on your life, and won't bring you drama or problems. People who constantly flee either worry they will get hurt by someone, or they keep thinking they should "shop around". Many need to wake up and wonder what happens when they get older, and options become harder to come by. Seen a few of those...they complain to death how no one is good enough, but then cry on how much they want to find Mr or Ms Right. Wise words, and I too know a lot of those women and don't want to be one. But the obstacle is there just the same. That's why I'm talking about it here instead of doing what I usually do: fleeeeeeeee!!!!
D-Jam Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Wise words, and I too know a lot of those women and don't want to be one. But the obstacle is there just the same. That's why I'm talking about it here instead of doing what I usually do: fleeeeeeeee!!!! So spit it out if you haven't already. Why do you think you flee? What do you fear? Did someone hurt you and you fear getting hurt again? Or perhaps think you'll miss out on something you perceive as "better"? Thoughts?
Author Capricciosa Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 So spit it out if you haven't already. Why do you think you flee? What do you fear? Did someone hurt you and you fear getting hurt again? Or perhaps think you'll miss out on something you perceive as "better"? Thoughts? I don't know. Some of both maybe. But my greatest fear may be not being able to be completely myself anymore and being responsible for and accountable to the other person. Something with love got screwed up for me by how I grew up--it was never unconditional and it had a lot of responsibility attached to it.
norajane Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I don't know. Some of both maybe. But my greatest fear may be not being able to be completely myself anymore and being responsible for and accountable to the other person. Something with love got screwed up for me by how I grew up--it was never unconditional and it had a lot of responsibility attached to it. This resonates with me. I grew up associating it with restrictions on me and who I really was as opposed to who my parents wanted me to be and how they wanted me to behave. Maybe that's where my fears come from...fear of being forced by love to conform to someone else's idea of who I am and should be. That in order to have love, I have to give up my true self...that in order to BE loved, I have to be what someone else wants/expects. Maybe if I were to meet someone who just accepts me without wanting to change me, it would work out. Still looking for that guy.
Lovelybird Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 IMO keep running until you find a guy whom you don't want to run from
Nemo Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 IMO keep running until you find a guy whom you don't want to run from Simple, yet brilliant.
Lovelybird Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Simple, yet brilliant. Undying attraction is the key
Nemo Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Undying attraction is the key Yes, the fatal attractions don't tend to last.
Lovelybird Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Yes, the fatal attractions don't tend to last. what is last then?
birdie Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 don't know, this all seems like a lot of nonsense to me. maybe OP would do better occupying herself with something else and taking some time away from this forum. do try to enjoy the present and stop analysing everything you do all the time
OpenBook Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 This resonates with me. I grew up associating it with restrictions on me and who I really was as opposed to who my parents wanted me to be and how they wanted me to behave. Maybe that's where my fears come from...fear of being forced by love to conform to someone else's idea of who I am and should be. That in order to have love, I have to give up my true self...that in order to BE loved, I have to be what someone else wants/expects. Maybe if I were to meet someone who just accepts me without wanting to change me, it would work out. Still looking for that guy. Add me to the list, norajane!! This is exactly what I fear as well. I'm so glad you posted this!! It's so clear and lucid to me, the way you wrote it - I can see it now. This is a big help. Thanks.
Author Capricciosa Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 That in order to have love, I have to give up my true self...that in order to BE loved, I have to be what someone else wants/expects. Maybe if I were to meet someone who just accepts me without wanting to change me, it would work out. Still looking for that guy. Yes, this is exactly it, isn't it. Which is why guys who want to stay are more frightening than those who are never meant to. To be loved means to go into hiding for me and only show the parts that are loveable--or else be rejected. It really makes it hard to let it all hang out to even see if I am going to be accepted, as is, so to speak. But everyone has expectations, and it takes a really expansive soul and heart to accept someone with all their idiosyncracies. And my tendency is to start hiding and shape shifting almost immediately. Hard, very hard.
sumdude Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I don't know. Some of both maybe. But my greatest fear may be not being able to be completely myself anymore and being responsible for and accountable to the other person. Something with love got screwed up for me by how I grew up--it was never unconditional and it had a lot of responsibility attached to it. Interesting... among the many almost impossible to understand things that came out of my ex wifes mouth after she left me was " I'm just not good at marriage, I don't want the responsibility." Thing is? We were together for almost six years before we were married and lived together most of that time. As soon as we were officially married? It's like the chase was over for her and she had to flee. It's been less than two years and she's already remarried.. so much for that I'm not good at marriage crap.. she's a serial monogamist. I know from her past that I wasn't the first guy she had a long relationship with that she felt the need to flee from and I doubt I'll be the last but who knows?
sumdude Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Maybe if I were to meet someone who just accepts me without wanting to change me, it would work out. Still looking for that guy. I always felt the irony of relationships was more the other way around. Man meets woman and falls in love hoping she'll never change yet she does. Woman meets man and falls in love hoping though that he will change but he never does. Guess it can work the other way sometimes.
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