Author Capricciosa Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 the catch is all about someone sucking away my alone-time, impeding upon my ability to do whatever the f I want all day long, and pressuring me to be a little less crazy. This sums up my problem too, as a good part of me is a loner who needs tons of space and likes to control when other people are part of it. But an interesting thing happened with the guy I'm seeing. He picked up on my need for alone time, told me he also needed some for himself, and reassured me that we would come up with a rhythm that worked for both of us. This took off a lot of pressure. He seems really easy going actually, and I do enjoy my time with him when I'm not freaking out about commitment and suddenly having someone around all the time. The key was sort of expressing my uncomfortableness with daily contact, and offering him some flexibility too.
Author Capricciosa Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 With a power tool fit for every job? Let's hope...
Storyrider Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 a never-ending game of chase, where neither partner actually wants to be caught. Don't you remember chase from when you were a kid? Part of the fun is getting caught. Sometimes you get caught on purpose just to see what will happen next. But if you catch someone permanently, no one is playing chase anymore. Then you'll find yourself playing house.
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 But if you catch someone permanently, no one is playing chase anymore. Then you'll find yourself playing house. Not everyone is happy playing house, because the "thrill" of the chase goes away, sooner or later. Unless you end up with a deep, abiding love, where both parties have the same goals and similar styles, I think any relationship is destined for failure.
Nemo Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 A common interest in shovelling techniques is a good, solid foundation for any long-term relationship.
Storyrider Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Not everyone is happy playing house, because the "thrill" of the chase goes away, sooner or later. This is true. Unless you end up with a deep, abiding love True again. where both parties have the same goals and similar styles Complementary goals and styles. I think any relationship is destined for failure. *Any* relationship is destined for failure if you think a relationship will bring you happiness. It won't. It will bring you meaning. And maybe content but dull security And maybe unsettling passion But probably not both.
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Complementary goals and styles.I'm with you here and stand corrected. *Any* relationship is destined for failure if you think a relationship will bring you happiness. It won't. It will bring you meaning.And with you here. And maybe content but dull security And maybe unsettling passion But probably not both. Security isn't dull. It's warm and wonderful with a deep, abiding love. That's what helps to keep the home fires burning, as well as intellectual challenge, respect, trust, like, honesty and the ability to communicate effectively. No white elephants wandering around, bumping into porcelain Santas!
Storyrider Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Security isn't dull. It's warm and wonderful with a deep, abiding love. That's what helps to keep the home fires burning, as well as intellectual challenge, respect, trust, like, honesty and the ability to communicate effectively. Well.....security of some sort is ultimately necessary for a person to thrive. But it is the opposite of excitement by definition, since excitement comes from not knowing what will happen next. Security is warm as you said. But what keeps it from turning fraternal rather than romantic?
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Well.....security of some sort is ultimately necessary for a person to thrive. But it is the opposite of excitement by definition, since excitement comes from not knowing what will happen next. Security is warm as you said. But what keeps it from turning fraternal rather than romantic? In retrospect of my marriage, we were never fraternal but there was security, as false as it proved to be later. I can look at the functional relationships that surround me in real life. The ones that retained the passion seem to continue romancing and appreciating each other, as individuals within a unit.
wierdmunky Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Thats the single best summary of the problem. Now that you;ve realized this, what do you plan to do to rectify it? I'm not sure of a plan, just hoping a relationship will develop into a more meaningful, fun and relaxed situation, that we're both comfortable in. At least not thinking of it, and saying they are "out of the picture" in the end, puts me on a different level. I can still get close, my anxieties are below me, but my heard is protected until he shows me he really is the one.
Storyrider Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 See, I'm wondering if there can still be chasing within a committed relationship, but on a smaller scale. I think there can be, but as I said earlier, both people need to be playing the same game. If I withdraw and he gets angry, it isn't chasing. Or, if I withdraw and he never notices, it isn't chasing. But if I withdraw and there is some kind of response that makes me respond in turn, an awareness and a response to the dynamic, a constant low-level shifting, then perhaps we're both playing the same game. The above can't work unless you get each other enough to have some kind of mutual understanding without miscommunication. It is sort of like if you're at a party, and you walk by a chess board on the table and move a piece when no one watching. And then fifteen minutes later you walk back by and some mysterious person has made a countermove. It is your own secret game of two. But many people at the party may not notice the chess pieces at all or if they notice they may not play chess and so can't respond, or if they notice and they play chess, they may not respond because they don't get excited or amused by the secret chess game. Then there is the person who, if they want to play chess, will just ask you to play chess, but they won't get the point of being secret about it. I suppose you and I are agreeing about compatibility, but maybe I'm talking about romantic compatibility, as a phenomenon that is separate from sharing values or goals. It is the language you speak to one another, that not many other people get.
Star Gazer Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I think a lot of people confuse the uncertainty of the chase with actually wanting that person. The "does he really like me" and "will he want to win me over" and "will he want a relationship with me" part is more a need for validation, rather than a true interest in him. So, once that uncertainty is answered and you are no longer anxious because you've received the validation you sought, it's a hollow victory because it is only then that you actually evaluate how you really feel about him and whether you are compatible or someone you would even be friends with if it weren't for the dating aspect. Truer words have never been spoken. Cap, you're feeling anxiety even though this new guy is allowing you to be yourself and meeting your needs (as reflected by your recent conversation about alone time. Are you sure you haven't been seeking validation, and are really into him?
wierdmunky Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I was talking about the fleeing response I get, when some of the romantic fluff in the air gets diffused when I've been "caught". But that is a feeling not a connection
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Well.....security of some sort is ultimately necessary for a person to thrive. But it is the opposite of excitement by definition, since excitement comes from not knowing what will happen next. Security is an illusion--we never know what will happen next. I think if we remembered that we would feel less bored. Change is inevitable, and it is not always the kind of change we like. I am as guilty of forgetting this as anyone else. I'm pretty sick of the excitement of uncertainty, and one might argue that feeling less interested in someone who I have "caught" is just the same fear of uncertainty in a different disguise. It is easier to reject early than to hope and be rejected. Also, it's very difficult to know defense mechanisms from gut instinct about someone after you've been bruised by previous relationships. And it is harder to let potential happiness in for real than to keep chasing after the elusive ideal. What are the basic compromises people are willing to make, by the way (maybe this is a different thread)?
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Story, there is a language of love, between a lovers touch, meaning through eye contact, the one word sentence that triggers, the secrets that only each other would understand and remember. We agree about romantic compatibility too. We also probably agree about red-hot passion.
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Cap, you're feeling anxiety even though this new guy is allowing you to be yourself and meeting your needs (as reflected by your recent conversation about alone time. Are you sure you haven't been seeking validation, and are really into him? Really SG, up until he openly expressed interest, ours has been the most fluid communication I have had in a long time. I may indeed have been looking for validation from him, but that's because I really really liked him. And I've done this before--I'm familiar with my pattern: always dump the keepers, pine over the unavailable. I would like to break it. After our alone time conversation, we went out (it had previously been planned), then spent the next 18 hours together happily. Yet I still feel anxious.
Storyrider Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Security is an illusion--we never know what will happen next. This is a really good point. Thank you! Story, there is a language of love, between a lovers touch, meaning through eye contact, the one word sentence that triggers, the secrets that only each other would understand and remember. We agree about romantic compatibility too. We also probably agree about red-hot passion. Yes. The common ground you create together is the playing field for lovers games. It just doesn't work if one person has a golf course and the other has a volleyball net.
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Yes. The common ground you create together is the playing field for lovers games. It just doesn't work if one person has a golf course and the other has a volleyball net. If you both played tennis, it's love all the way!
Storyrider Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 If you both played tennis, it's love all the way! :laugh: yep!
Nemo Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Security is an illusion--we never know what will happen next. You were obviously never a student of probability theory. Highly recommended to clear up your fuzzy vision.
Nemo Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 It just doesn't work if one person has a golf course and the other has a volleyball net. You both like playing with balls. That sounds pretty good to me.
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 You were obviously never a student of probability theory. Highly recommended to clear up your fuzzy vision. Theories are just attempts to explain the unexplainable, they are not truth, or they would lead to fatalism. And I am a student of Buddhism, whose major tenet is impermanence. Not fuzzy at all, thank you. A piano could fall on your (or my) head tomorrow.
Nemo Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 A piano could fall on your (or my) head tomorrow. I guess a helmet isn't going to help me much.
Storyrider Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1687468&postcount=27
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