GirlNextD00r Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I have been with my boyfriend for two solid years with minimal fighting or issues. However he has had the small issue of... lying, or sometimes hiding the truth from me about some things but up until now it's never been anything particularly huge (in my eyes).... however, i just discovered he lied to me, and his parents about his grades. i am in my early 20s and him in his mid and both college students. he should have his bachelors degree by now but since we have been dating hes never gone to college full time, when he is supposed to be. we have each others passwords (please don't tell me we shouldn't! because we just do..) and rarely make use of them but i was bored this morning and wanted to check out his schedule for next semester and so logged into his school account to check it out, because he never knows what he registers for. i suppose i could have waited and asked him to do it but i honestly did not think it would be a big deal as he told me his grades for the 2 classes he took this past semester and so why would he lie to me? and that is when i discovered he got no credit for either class, which is pathetic. and it makes me sick he thought he could lie to me about it. this infuriated me. does he think i am stupid? not to mention he only has a handful of classes left and i know hes smart but he just wont focus! and he LIED! that really raises a red flag to me. i do not know how to approach this with him- any advice? I love him with all my heart and want to marry this man but he is not showing me i can count on him, or showing any desire to move onto the next stage in life. After 2 years together I wish he would work a little harder =( not to mention it freaks me out how he lied to me after, in the past i continuely tell me DO NOT LIE TO ME!! should i take a break from him and perhaps he will wake up and realize? advice, please!!!
Citizen Erased Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I have been with my boyfriend for two solid years with minimal fighting or issues. However he has had the small issue of... lying, or sometimes hiding the truth from me about some things but up until now it's never been anything particularly huge (in my eyes).... however, i just discovered he lied to me, and his parents about his grades. i am in my early 20s and him in his mid and both college students. he should have his bachelors degree by now but since we have been dating hes never gone to college full time, when he is supposed to be. we have each others passwords (please don't tell me we shouldn't! because we just do..) and rarely make use of them but i was bored this morning and wanted to check out his schedule for next semester and so logged into his school account to check it out, because he never knows what he registers for. i suppose i could have waited and asked him to do it but i honestly did not think it would be a big deal as he told me his grades for the 2 classes he took this past semester and so why would he lie to me? and that is when i discovered he got no credit for either class, which is pathetic. and it makes me sick he thought he could lie to me about it. this infuriated me. does he think i am stupid? not to mention he only has a handful of classes left and i know hes smart but he just wont focus! and he LIED! that really raises a red flag to me. i do not know how to approach this with him- any advice? I love him with all my heart and want to marry this man but he is not showing me i can count on him, or showing any desire to move onto the next stage in life. After 2 years together I wish he would work a little harder =( not to mention it freaks me out how he lied to me after, in the past i continuely tell me DO NOT LIE TO ME!! should i take a break from him and perhaps he will wake up and realize? advice, please!!! when i discovered he got no credit for either class, which is pathetic My guess that charming opinion is the reason he lied. He's ashamed and doesn't want you to think less of him. Disregarding the fact that you have no right to look at his school account (and please stop with the I was bored bs, you were checking up on him), your first instinct is to make this all about you instead of being concerned as to why he has failed these classes. Two years at your age is not solid. If you think breaking up with him to teach him a lesson about doing his homework and going to school is a good idea I think you're both better off. It's okay. Once you tell him you broke his trust and went snooping where you shouldn't have I'm sure the decision will be made for you.
Geishawhelk Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 How many realtionships have you had? How do you know you want to marry this guy? My guess is you're in love with being in love, but you're not in love with him, A relationship with no trust either side is doomed to failure. You don't trust him, and from what I see here, he'd be right to not trust you either. The pressure on students to get good grades is too much at times. He feels he's flunked, and is ashamed to admit it. Nice little handle on the sympathy angle, you have there. if this is a deal-breaker for you, what's it going to be like when he doesn't wash the dishes for a week....? Try asking him why he felt he had to lie, instead of stomping on his head. he should have his bachelors degree by now but since we have been dating hes never gone to college full time, when he is supposed to be. Seems to me you're part of the problem. You're a distraction.
prettybaby Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Aw, you're being harsh on him. He probably lied because he knew you'd be disappointed. Have you tried to push him to work harder? Motivated him at all? Couples should work as a team, and when one's facing problems, don't approach it with a judgmental attitude, but rather try to empathize and figure out a solution together. Seriously, does he even like what he's studying? It sounds like he just hasn't found his true passion yet. Have you discussed future career plans with him? Maybe he just needs a radical change. Go a different route, study something else. If you guys haven't talked about it yet, then maybe now's the time.
Walk Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I don't see an issue with having each others passwords. When I was in my 20s I ended up failing out of a lot of classes. I felt terrible about it, I felt like a loser, and I would lie to people about my grades. Mostly because I knew their reactions would be like yours. You'd see me as pathetic, as worthless, as a loser. And it's bad enough to see yourself like that, but to hear it from the person you admire, respect, and love... ugh, that's a killer. You have the right to be upset with your bf about not being honest with you. But think it through before you talk to him about it. Try to put yourself in his shoes. Why isn't he passing his classes? What's going on in his life? Is he depressed? Is he having a hard time figuring out what he wants from life? Is he scared that he's choosen the wrong career? What's stopping him from succeeding at college? Try helping your bf rather then attacking him. There is something else going on that you don't know about. Talk to him like a friend. Ask him what's going on, how he feels, what he's thinking, what his fears are, and what's preventing him from meeting his potential. Or you can jump his ass for lying to you. Up to you.
Storyrider Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 he has had the small issue of... lying, or sometimes hiding the truth from me about some things but up until now it's never been anything particularly huge (in my eyes).... He should have his bachelors degree by now but hes never gone to college full time, when he is supposed to be. I wanted to check out his schedule for next semester and so logged into his school account to check it out, because he never knows what he registers for...and that is when i discovered he got no credit for either class, which is pathetic. and it makes me sick he thought he could lie to me about it. this infuriated me. does he think i am stupid? not to mention he only has a handful of classes left and i know hes smart but he just wont focus! and he LIED! that really raises a red flag to me.advice, please!!! Yes, give the guy some space. He is a grown man, and unless you're paying his tuition, you really need to let him solve his own issues with school. I know you feel it is your job to mold him into the kind of man he should be, but this was his mommy's job until he turned 18 started being responsible for himself. Wait till you have kids of your own to start mothering people. And if you really must mother him, bake him some cookies.
Benique Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Had you noticed him lying to you about some other things as well ? Or the issue was only his grades ? If he had lied you just about his grades ,his classes , then it`s worth making efforts to work out with him by simple telling him that you care for him any way and no matter what his grades are .. Difficult ,but it`s worth yet . If you have noticed him lying you on all possible things and not just classes,then ... it`s another story that needs some more attention .
tidalwave Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 you seem like a decent person who is motivated and wants the same for your mate. one thing i have found out the hard way: you cant make a grown-up change if they dont want to change. you can support them, motivate them, give them advice, but they will do what they want to do regardless. you should try to motivate him to find something he loves and is good at. some folks just need to find their niche. as a reformed liar i think the lying isn't the issue. can he really trust you? that is the issue. he doesnt trust that you will be there for him if you really know who he is and that is why he lies. evidentally his fears have merit because he cant trust you not to check up on him. if you love him you have to make it clear that no matter what happens, you will be there for him and still love him whether he fails every class or gets straight A's. if he believes that, he'll never lie to you. if he doesnt believe that, you will always have problems.
Frankasy Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 You know it's not like he had another gf and or lied to his parents about you. He just lied to you about his grades, big deal. Do you really think that a bunch of stupid school grades will effect your future with him? The thing I hate most is when people are forced to break up with each just because of education, it really frustrates me. Your situation is the easiest of them all, I mean it's not like one of you is going away for college and can't be together, it's just grades. Haven't you ever thought of him being embarrassed from his grades so that he hid them from you and his parents? Stop being so harsh on him for stupid reasons.
yasmina1706 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 A similar thing happened to me, so I know how you feel. My boyfriend lied to me about getting into cambridge university and only after 6 months did he tell me he didn't get in. He had also lied to me about a few other things. I am glad he told me and tried to trust him again but just thought... if he would lie to me about something as silly as this, what else would he lie about? I am still finding it hard to trust him sometimes
Frankasy Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 A similar thing happened to me, so I know how you feel. My boyfriend lied to me about getting into cambridge university and only after 6 months did he tell me he didn't get in. He had also lied to me about a few other things. I am glad he told me and tried to trust him again but just thought... if he would lie to me about something as silly as this, what else would he lie about? I am still finding it hard to trust him sometimes Exactly. It's silly, not important. Cambridge is a well known international university, why else would he lie to you besides the fact that he wanted to look good in front of you? Seriously people chill.
kashmir Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 People constantly bull**** about little things. If you take it too seriously and scrutinize the other person for lying, then you're a hypocrite because I guarantee you lie about stupid little things too. And I can see why he wanted to lie to you with your attitude, calling him pathetic for failing some classes. Big deal. Unless he's just purely lazy to an extreme, in which case you have to ask yourself why you're with him, he's most likely going through issues to fail out of classes. Why don't you help him fix those potential issues instead of threatening to leave him for something so small.
You'reasian Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I have been with my boyfriend for two solid years with minimal fighting or issues. However he has had the small issue of... lying, or sometimes hiding the truth from me about some things but up until now it's never been anything particularly huge (in my eyes).... however, i just discovered he lied to me, and his parents about his grades. i am in my early 20s and him in his mid and both college students. he should have his bachelors degree by now but since we have been dating hes never gone to college full time, when he is supposed to be. we have each others passwords (please don't tell me we shouldn't! because we just do..) and rarely make use of them but i was bored this morning and wanted to check out his schedule for next semester and so logged into his school account to check it out, because he never knows what he registers for. i suppose i could have waited and asked him to do it but i honestly did not think it would be a big deal as he told me his grades for the 2 classes he took this past semester and so why would he lie to me? and that is when i discovered he got no credit for either class, which is pathetic. and it makes me sick he thought he could lie to me about it. this infuriated me. does he think i am stupid? not to mention he only has a handful of classes left and i know hes smart but he just wont focus! and he LIED! that really raises a red flag to me. i do not know how to approach this with him- any advice? I love him with all my heart and want to marry this man but he is not showing me i can count on him, or showing any desire to move onto the next stage in life. After 2 years together I wish he would work a little harder =( not to mention it freaks me out how he lied to me after, in the past i continuely tell me DO NOT LIE TO ME!! should i take a break from him and perhaps he will wake up and realize? advice, please!!! Need to know more information. Did your boyfriend work while attending college? That could affect his grades depending on the frequency, travel requirements etc. For instance, if he worked two jobs, commuting 2 hrs per day to cover his living expenses and pay for books, parts of tuition, then you can expect B's and C's - especially on advanced technical level courses. If he didn't work or have any challenging circumstances, then he could be unfocused or lazy or both as you suggest. Why did he lie? Perhaps he wanted you to think more highly of him?
tidalwave Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 People constantly bull**** about little things. If you take it too seriously and scrutinize the other person for lying, then you're a hypocrite because I guarantee you lie about stupid little things too. And I can see why he wanted to lie to you with your attitude, calling him pathetic for failing some classes. Big deal. Unless he's just purely lazy to an extreme, in which case you have to ask yourself why you're with him, he's most likely going through issues to fail out of classes. Why don't you help him fix those potential issues instead of threatening to leave him for something so small. finally someone speaks the truth!!! everyone lies... EVERYONE!! if the lie isnt intended to hurt someone then just move on...
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