Red flags - things that make you go 'hmm.'

[jc]

I can't help it, I need to analyze this break up to figure out what went wrong, where I went wrong. What things I could have/should have seen or paid attention to...not necessarily to have avoided the break up. But just to figure out some things that I DON'T want in my future partner.

 

So here are some things that I 'noted' about my ex during the relationship that make me go 'hmm. maybe I should have paid attention to that'.

 

1. Still angry at two ex-girlfriends (both cheated on him, but STILL). With one of the girls that he's still angry at, the relationship ended EIGHT years ago. I don't think it's 'normal' to still be so hostile after that much time has passed. I barely think about either of my ex's.

 

2. Cuts people out of his life (friends) if they do something that he finds hurtful. For example, a friend who stayed friends with one of his ex's, cut off. A high school friend who didn't invite him to his wedding until the last minute. Cut off.

 

3. Jumped right into the relationship, right away. Told me he loved me after 3 weeks. Said he was going to marry me after 2 months. When I asked him if he always moved this fast, he said yes. (He asked his last girlfriend to move in with him after 1 month of dating).

 

Interesting I think because he jumps in right away and immediately wants to live out the romantic fantasy of finding 'the one'. But also emotionally detaches from people he is close to quite easily; he just cuts them out when he needs to.

 

4. Smoked a lot of weed. And drank quite a bit. Not that I'm categorically opposed to either of these things, but everything in moderation.

 

Smoked enough weed that he felt his memory was quite affected. And said that he used to be 'quicker' (ie. wittier).

 

5. Picked at my appearance, even quite early on, saying things like, "Did you break your nose? It's crooked." Or commenting that I have a big chin. Or telling me that I could be skinnier and more toned. He didn't say these things all the time; most of the time he told me that I was beautiful, he loved my hair or my bum or whatever. But once in a while he'd come out with some kind of upsetting comment.

 

I never commented on his appearance, despite the fact that his hair is thinning and he has a beer gut. Simply because it didn't matter to me. I thought he was beautiful.

 

He also had a lot of sensitivity around the size of his penis as a previous girlfriend had told him repeatedly that his penis was too small. He also thought his nose was too big (she had told him that as well). But despite these insecurities, he ALWAYS talked about himself in grand terms, saying things like "I'm the man" and "everybody loves me". And telling me about all the girls in his past (his hairdresser, etc.) who have liked him.

 

Interesting paradox. Makes me wonder if he actually is that confident about himself.

 

6. Often commented that he thought I would cheat on him eventually. (Both his previous long-term girlfriends cheated on him). I had never done anything to him to make him think that this would happen. But I think part of him was unable to trust me.

 

Two months in, I found out that he had been reading all of my emails in my gmail account. I had left my account open on his computer accidentally and then when he went to sign into gmail, he realized my account was open. He kept it open for THREE days. When I confronted him, he first denied it, then admitted it.

 

He was also jealous about ridiculous things. An ex kissed me on the cheek at the bar one night while he was there (which admittedly was not cool...I hadn't even been talking with the guy, he just leaned over and kissed me). Well I certainly got harassed about that over and over and over. It eventually became my fault somehow for 'allowing' this person to kiss me on the cheek.

 

7. Had only one close guy friend and no real hobbies. Has a boat that he goes out on in the summer, but other than that does not swim, read, ride bikes, hike, play an instrument, play video games. Nothing. Pretty much just smokes weed, watches tv, sleeps and goes on the computer. He once told me that he spends about half the time he is awake watching tv or movies.

 

It just seems now that he really lives a very closed-off life. Work and sleep and eat and tv and weed and the computer. And one idiot friend to go drinking with.

 

Well that's all I can think of for now. But I think that these were 'red flags' of some sort, things that indicate something deeper about the person that may indicate that you should not be in a relationship with them.

 

These things are definitely going on my list of what I DON'T want in my partner.

[Geishawhelk]

Whether you see them or not, is immaterial.

Whether he sees them or not is immaterial.

What matters is, that, IF they are seen, they are worked on.

It's not who we are, but what we do about it that counts.

 

To see all these 'red flags' and not act upon them, is what breaks a relationship, not the flags themselves.

[jc]

Whether you see them or not, is immaterial.

Whether he sees them or not is immaterial.

What matters is, that, IF they are seen, they are worked on.

It's not who we are, but what we do about it that counts.

 

To see all these 'red flags' and not act upon them, is what breaks a relationship, not the flags themselves.

 

But if you don't see them, you can't act on them.

 

And to see them, you need to first be able to identify what are 'red flags' for you. It may be a pattern of cheating in his/her past relationships, it may be the way he/she has ended things with past girlfriends/boyfriends.

 

I guess I just feel like identifying red flags from your past relationships can help you see more clearly for future ones. Just a way of taking what you've learned and reflecting on it and trying to do better next time. To try to take care of yourself and your needs better in the future.

[Geishawhelk]

Yuh, sure.

Take a look round this forum and count how many people have learnt and acted upon 'previous red flags'. Or even current, visible ones, for that matter.

One hand should do it.

[saturnfell]

Seems like he had many hangups... and... if someone is criticizing you such as he was, it's so not worth the time. The fact of the matter is, the next guy, he needs to respect you. He needs to accept and love you for who you are, This guy is nothing to even think twice about.

[Capricciosa]

Whether you see them or not, is immaterial.

Whether he sees them or not is immaterial.

What matters is, that, IF they are seen, they are worked on.

It's not who we are, but what we do about it that counts.

 

To see all these 'red flags' and not act upon them, is what breaks a relationship, not the flags themselves.

 

I think I may have to print this up and stick it to my fridge. Very wise Geishawhelk, exceedingly so.

[BackonTrack2]

that above line is hore****... some red-flagsd are well un-workable, best to jump ship... ie

 

in my last relationship, red flags were

 

a) whenever I was with her, I would always get pulled over, ALWAYS, like 8 times +

b) she would argue about NOTHING, i mean NOTHING, then get all upset and storm out, I'm like "this girl is crazy"

c) She was taking some speed kind of drug, kept her awake.... This one I did something about, made her stop, not sure if she's still on it... I wasn't playing with this one

d) I hung out with her and friends one day.. She was a different person... she acted like she was better than people (not me) but her friends.. then one friend goes "Well this was good enough for you last year)

e) Would cry after sex and call herself a whore

f) had sex with her last bf while on vaction, then spazzed the **** out when I asked her what happen with "Your doing the same thing, cries!" that was weird

g) Went on a date and told me about it... (I didn't care, figured she would never leave)

h) started calling herself a whore allot... also said strange sexual things like "cum contains proteins, its good for the face"

i) had to give her things for her to come around, started becoming distant

j) started acting/sounding confused.

k) would sound sad on the phone

l) denied me pussy

 

so i get my new place, she starts coming back and i had no furniture so we are there sleeping on the floor (she always stayed with me) cold as hell, i just remember her looking at me in my eyes, and i just get a feeling out of no where "i'm leaving him" so I start to tear, and kiss her, then we end up having sex, i tell her I love her, she looks SOO angry, first time i've said it in like 1.3 years, the next morning she tells me she kisses a guy and that if i don't like it, i can take her home (wow) and then I look at her, and all I see is HATE and resement in her eyes, she was trying to hurt me.

 

i dunno a whole bunch of ****.. at the time i paid it no mind but in hindsight, it all makes sense...

 

oh yeah.. in the end, turns out i wasn't what she wanted, started cheating on me, never told me, then gave me enough to sastify me cuz I was giving her money and once things came to light, i fired her ass like 3 times then she told me to **** off.. never heard from her since, about 9-10 months ago.

 

in the end end, she did hurt me, broke m to pieces, lost lots of money, almost about 250 grand, took me about a year to bounce back... didn't know she meant so much to me, didn't know i was that weak....i guess she got her revenge.... but ah yeah red-flags... don't ignore them...but ahh.. learn allot in that relationship... good experience..... in the end..

[MWH]

You're asking the wrong guy about seeing red flags lol! My recent ex waved them at me even BEFORE our first date and here I am almost three years later trying to rebuild my life. Ugh.

 

I saw every damn one of them but they didn't "register" I guess. I had an 11 year relationship come apart, met a gal that played me like a piano and hurt me pretty bad, met another gal I really hit off with and she suddenly died, and then I met my recent ex. She could have stuck a gun in my face and I'd have been like "Hi- nice to meet you!". The flags were ALL there with this one but I guess i was too messed up to recognize that feeling in my gut for what it was.

 

Needless to say it will be a LONG time before I even *think* about dating again. In fact I may just keep to myself from now on as I've lived a damn good life, been around the block quite a few times, and now I just want to be alone at home with my dogs and my guitar. I'm too old for any more nonsense.

 

All I can say is this: If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

 

Peace,

 

MWH

[EmperorR]

Ah red flags I had them

 

Like my ex moving to canada from europe, had a bf in europe but didnt even tell him that she was moving until she reached here broke up with him, and told me oh he treated me so bad. He probably treated her good but she was just a little liar.

 

When she cut herself when i was going to break up with her

 

when she almost broke up with me because I was in my sister's wedding party

 

when i found a email from her friend back home and her friend saying how he loves her

 

ah if i could only go back in time shrugs

[OCCDAVE]

There were many red flags during my relationship but one stood out the most.

 

 

-She told me she was drunk at a party and sat on her friends dave lap.He then said lets stop before someone does something they regret and the sad part is i believed her.