is she healing after my cheating?

[Dmoney28]

I posted here before, so i guess i'll do it again. I'm not sure exactly how to proceed communication with my EX GF. For those of you not familiar with my post, i cheated on my GF. We have been together almost. Before you bring out the torches and pitch forks, i have seen the damage i caused and now accept she wont be comming back. I have see a psychologist twice a month for the last 5 months. I have read "the 5 love languages", "the 5 languages of apology", "men are from mars, women are from venus" and "After the affair". I just wanted to understand the full scope of my betrayal and other problems in our relationship. Its been almost 5 months now since the break up. Month 1-3 i did alot explaining and assuring. Alot of angry conversations. Alot of crying. I told her it wasnt her fault and i took full responisibilty for my selfish actions. The denial stage has past, and the anger stage has subsided. We dont talk about me cheating anymore, or the old relationship. We have almost daily contact (calls and txt's). We still consider each other best friends and talk about everything. Hell, we have communicated better in the last 5 months than over the last year of the relationship. She is proud of my changes and compliments me on the "new me".

 

 

The thing is...im not sure how to proceed. She says she dosent want to reconcile, but in the same breath says she wants to leave the door open for me in the future. She says things like " my grandmother keeps asking me when were getting back together, it makes me smile"...ok? She txt's me at wierd times like 12:00am and 1:00am with reasons that are clear excuses to contact me. She is constantly asking me am i ok....a day after i talked her. She sends me a txt "i'm sorry i didnt return your call, how are you doing?".....there was no call to return cuz i didnt call her. During the last month i have done NFC, she intiates everything. I want to call her and talk to her more, but i dont want to overstep any ex boyfriend boundaries. I still love her very much and i dont want to bring back fales hope. I have worked so hard to accept this is the end. The last time i talked to her, she said she wanted to stop by and pick up some christmas gifts my parents had for her. Normally she would ask me to leave anything i had for her on her porch...now she wants to come by my place to get them. Keep in mind, she has always protested to seeing me in person , because "it would make it hard on her". So why does she want to make personal contact now....feels like a trick.

 

I know what i did was the worst betrayal of trust...i know. But im so confused. This past month i just stop pursuing her, stopped doing little speacial things to make her feel better. I just want to rest. I'm emotionally tired of being in this wierd limbo. Any advice or comments would be great.

[nittanylion]

keep doing what you are doing. Let her contact you! Be there for her as a friend or anything she wants. Dont push any issue about getting back together. Let her leads you the way! Right now, the ball is in her court. You just go with the flow and dont force thing. That is price of cheating, and if you ever want to get back with her, you do as she asks of you. You are doing a good job of changing for the better for yourself and for her. Keep up the good work. I commend your for good intentions.

[Geishawhelk]

Well now, she's yanking YOUR chain.

You did wrong, you admitted it, you apologised, and you reconciled yourself to the fact that this was over.

 

Then she begins the tease....

Oh, I'm not suggesting it's deliberate, or even malicious - but she's doing it all the same.

She's making you beg for her.

So what you have to decide is -

Do you want to 'beg' it, or 'bag' it?

 

I think it's your turn to request some kind of confirmation - or closure.

 

She cannot expect you to hang your life up on the hook behind the door, and keep looking out of said open door, in the hope she'll breeze back up your path again.

She keeps roller-blading past your gate, waving cheerily.... while you just stand there like some dumbarce, waiting to be invited out to play.

 

Time to get your skates on.

[amerikajin]

Well now, she's yanking YOUR chain.

You did wrong, you admitted it, you apologised, and you reconciled yourself to the fact that this was over.

 

Then she begins the tease....

Oh, I'm not suggesting it's deliberate, or even malicious - but she's doing it all the same.

She's making you beg for her.

So what you have to decide is -

Do you want to 'beg' it, or 'bag' it?

 

I think it's your turn to request some kind of confirmation - or closure.

 

She cannot expect you to hang your life up on the hook behind the door, and keep looking out of said open door, in the hope she'll breeze back up your path again.

She keeps roller-blading past your gate, waving cheerily.... while you just stand there like some dumbarce, waiting to be invited out to play.

 

Time to get your skates on.

 

I don't see it that way at all.

 

I think she is rightfully skittish about getting back together with someone who burned her (not calling the OP out, by the way). I think she ought to be commended for even considering the possibility of getting back together with him. Personally, I think that if they can work through this together, they could end up having an outstanding relationship. It seems like this episode brought out a lot in each other. Proof positive that relationships don't have to end the moment someone's eyes wander.

[samsungxoxo]

Yes I recall your previous post. I think she does think about getting back together later on in the future but at the same time isn't sure if you're going to burn her again. I think you should stop thinking about it and glad you got help for your commitment problem. Just be there for her as a friend but don't get back together not even if she asks you back because then you'll bring back the old luggage again.

[Dexter Morgan]

People heal from surgery, but an ugly scar remains.

 

Can she heal from what you did to her? Sure, but the scar of what you did to her will always be there and she will be reminded from time to time of what you did to her. Something she shouldn't have to put up with.

[Dmoney28]

very true dexter. That same scar i carry as well. It will remind me of what i did, and to never do it again. As far as her "having" to remember...its her choice. The greatest part about being human, is having the ability to change, and the ability to forgive. Its her choice and her's alone. Some people can forgive...others cant. There is no supreme being on earth who can descide that for anyone. rembering is a good thing. it reminds us not to get hurt again.

[Dexter Morgan]

very true dexter. That same scar i carry as well. It will remind me of what i did, and to never do it again. As far as her "having" to remember...its her choice.

 

I disagree. She has no choice. She isn't in any more control over the ability to completely forget what was done any more than she has the ability to control what she dreams about at night.

 

 

rembering is a good thing. it reminds us not to get hurt again.

 

But its only good to be able to remember so as not to get hurt again if you aren't with the person that hurt you. If I were to have stayed with my xW for whatever reason, remembering would be hell. But now that I am no longer with her, remembering doesn't hurt and only NOW does it help to make sure I don't get hurt again.

[samsungxoxo]

If I were to have stayed with my xW for whatever reason, remembering would be hell.

 

Wow are you still stationed on that?? If so then you're applying your experience on your rather venting posts, which I noticed.

[jointheclub]

Dmoney,

 

Just wanted to say that you seem very sincere and remorseful, and I think you and your GF would have a good chance to work it out if you reconciled based on what you've done and wrote. Infidelity is an incredibly harsh blow, so it's really not surprising she's acting skittish even though being in limbo like this is torturous to you. Keep in mind she's certainly still dealing with the emotional pain you heaped on her and, if you do get back together, will take a long time to trust you again. Remember that her emotional rollercoaster has been worse than yours, no matter how much pain you're in now.

 

If your ex-GF has stated that she does not want to get back together, I would recommend that you take her at her word, go NC, and move on with your life. You can tell her that if she decides she does want to reconcile, she can always contact you, but otherwise you think it's best that you cease contact. Be very matter of fact about this. This will be better for your mental health and will also give her more clarity about what life will be life totally cut off from you. She can see if this is what she really wants.

 

Again, though, you should really go NC for your mental health, and if it inspires her to give you a second chance, you can view that as a bonus.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Owl]

People heal from surgery, but an ugly scar remains.

 

Can she heal from what you did to her? Sure, but the scar of what you did to her will always be there and she will be reminded from time to time of what you did to her. Something she shouldn't have to put up with.

 

Something to consider...she's going to have that same scar whether or not she's still with Dmoney.

 

Just as Dex is still carrying his scars. Just as I still have mine.

 

Leaving the person who cheated on you does not mean that those scars go away. Most people NEVER 'blindly trust' after they've been hurt by a cheating spouse once. Even if Dex were to get involved with a new lady...he'd almost never just blindly trust her like he did his first wife. He was burnt hard doing so...it was a painful learning experience. If I had ended my marriage...I highly doubt I would have ever had the same level of trust for another woman myself.

 

BUT, speaking from personal experience...marriages very well CAN and do recover. My wife had an EA four years ago. We went thru about a year of some serious work to recover and rebuild our marriage. And for the next year, I continued to do a lot of work for myself, to help ME recover from it all personally.

 

My marriage today is great. I am not constantly thinking about what happened. If it DOES come to mind, it's not any where near the mind-numbing, crippling devestation it was before. It happened. It sucked. But things NOW are great, and so that has removed that pain by a very, very large degree.

 

There are some people who simply can't "recover" from the damage of a cheating spouse. We've seen several on this site over my years here...some of the more recent ones include Dex and Twice Shy.

 

But...they represent ONE SIDE of the spectrum of people who have been devestated by affairs. Some recover so well they feel like it never happened at all. Most fall somewhere in the middle.

 

I like you, Dex, but don't agree with your total gloom and doom scenario. I've LIVED a different conclusion.

 

So, Dmoney I'd tell you that right now, there's still no way to know for sure where your wife will end up. If she'll be able to recover from this damage or not...it all depends. It depends on your willingness to work for forgiveness and to help her heal. It depends on her willingness to let you try. It depends on the effort you both put into rebuilding your family and your marriage. It depends on the foundation you'd laid for your marriage prior to the cheating. Was your marriage good, for many years? Or was it troubled even well before you cheated? Do either of you have any good 'role models' that you could use to base rebuilding your marriage on?

[Dmoney28]

almost 4 years, and for the first 2 years, our relationship was very loving. We would do anything to make each other happy. But as the years passed, i got more and more distant due to my untreated bipolar 2. I wasnt diagnosed until 2 years into the relationship. I wasnt taking my medication, and became distant and agnry. I would phase in and out of manic and depression. But she refused to leave. "I wouldnt have left you....if circumstances were diffrent i would have stayed" she told me. After all my reading and psych sessions, i see how my lack of communication really contributed to other problems. Its like i have this renewed sense of enthusiam for making a long lasting and happy relationship. I have been taking my medication and continue to see psychologist. Over the past 4.5 months its like the light got brighter and brighter. I see all my negatives behavior and flaws, and want to try again with us. But its her who has to make the choice. We met monday for the first time in 2 months. It was akward at first, but we were my comfortable as time went on. It felt like the first time when we met. We both were Shy, nervous and smiling. Despite the fact we communicated for 4 months after we breakup. She called me at 12:30am this morning, just to talk...i was sleep. So it feels like were in a relationship kinda...but not.

[amerikajin]

Something to consider...she's going to have that same scar whether or not she's still with Dmoney.

 

Just as Dex is still carrying his scars. Just as I still have mine.

 

Leaving the person who cheated on you does not mean that those scars go away. Most people NEVER 'blindly trust' after they've been hurt by a cheating spouse once. Even if Dex were to get involved with a new lady...he'd almost never just blindly trust her like he did his first wife. He was burnt hard doing so...it was a painful learning experience. If I had ended my marriage...I highly doubt I would have ever had the same level of trust for another woman myself.

 

BUT, speaking from personal experience...marriages very well CAN and do recover. My wife had an EA four years ago. We went thru about a year of some serious work to recover and rebuild our marriage. And for the next year, I continued to do a lot of work for myself, to help ME recover from it all personally.

 

My marriage today is great. I am not constantly thinking about what happened. If it DOES come to mind, it's not any where near the mind-numbing, crippling devestation it was before. It happened. It sucked. But things NOW are great, and so that has removed that pain by a very, very large degree.

 

There are some people who simply can't "recover" from the damage of a cheating spouse. We've seen several on this site over my years here...some of the more recent ones include Dex and Twice Shy.

 

But...they represent ONE SIDE of the spectrum of people who have been devestated by affairs. Some recover so well they feel like it never happened at all. Most fall somewhere in the middle.

 

I like you, Dex, but don't agree with your total gloom and doom scenario. I've LIVED a different conclusion.

 

So, Dmoney I'd tell you that right now, there's still no way to know for sure where your wife will end up. If she'll be able to recover from this damage or not...it all depends. It depends on your willingness to work for forgiveness and to help her heal. It depends on her willingness to let you try. It depends on the effort you both put into rebuilding your family and your marriage. It depends on the foundation you'd laid for your marriage prior to the cheating. Was your marriage good, for many years? Or was it troubled even well before you cheated? Do either of you have any good 'role models' that you could use to base rebuilding your marriage on?

 

Definitely a wise owl.

 

I think what happens after an affair is discovered depends a lot on the outlook of the individuals in the relationship. Affairs are a terrible way to solve a problem in the relationship, but they don't have to be the end. Discovering the affair should be treated for what it is: discovery is hurtful, but it brings us closer to the truth, however good or bad that truth is. Discovery is a chance to do more than just find out about an affair; it's also a chance to really put out in the open everything that is wrong in the relationship -- and this ultimately has to be a process involving both individuals. Again, this is all about the truth. If both individuals handle it the right way, discovering some untruths can quite possibly lead to a much more honest relationship in the future.

 

That should not in any way be construed to mean that I condone cheating -- it's the worst blow you can deal to a relationship. But as you say, cheating does not have to be the end of a relationship. Romantic relationships are among the most complex social dynamics we will ever have in our lifetimes. They go through all sorts of highs and lows. We should evaluate relationships not based on one act, but on the overall pattern of conduct over a long period of time.

[Owl]

We should evaluate relationships not based on one act, but on the overall pattern of conduct over a long period of time.

 

This struck a chord with me, because while I feel that a marriage CAN recover from a one-time infidelity incident, I also feel that serial cheating is the result of a personality that is unable to commit to a monogamous relationship.

 

In other words...I don't believe that recovery is truly possible with a serial cheater.

 

It's not a "one time" thing. It's not the result of poor decision making...after the first time, it becomes a deliberately repeated offense.

 

Cheating is never a "mistake". It's never an "accident"...it's always a choice.

 

But that choice can be made as a result of distorted thinking/perceptions/emotional distress.

 

But choosing this serially as an "out" to your problems indicate a much greater/deeper flaw...that typically CAN'T be overcome by most MC/IC's.

 

BTW...I'm not all that "wise" I'm afraid...had I been a "wise owl"...I would have never ended up here, my friend.

[Dexter Morgan]

Wow are you still stationed on that?? If so then you're applying your experience on your rather venting posts, which I noticed.

 

Read again, I said if I were to have stayed with her. Remembering now doesn't hurt one bit because she is no longer my problem.

[Dexter Morgan]

Something to consider...she's going to have that same scar whether or not she's still with Dmoney.

 

Just as Dex is still carrying his scars. Just as I still have mine.

 

But by no longer being with the xW, its the equivalent of having a plastic surgeon remove the scar.

 

I suppose that I am a little more guarded and wise now, but not a scar in the same sense if I would have stayed with her. I would have wondered throughout the rest of my life what better life could have been out there for me if I hadn't divorced her. I'd always be wondering what she is doing and where she is with the utmost of suspicions if I were still with her.

 

But now that I am no longer with her, THOSE scars are gone as I don't wonder where a current SO other might be or what she is doing.

 

But I do have a scar now that gives me the "one strike and your out" rule.

 

But I like that scar ok. The other scar I couldn't live with.

 

Leaving the person who cheated on you does not mean that those scars go away.

 

It most certainly did for me. With the exception, as I said, of being more guarded with relationships now. But I really don't consider that a scar.

[Dexter Morgan]

Discovering the affair should be treated for what it is: discovery is hurtful, but it brings us closer to the truth, however good or bad that truth is. Discovery is a chance to do more than just find out about an affair; it's also a chance to really put out in the open everything that is wrong in the relationship

 

I could care less if there was anything wrong in the relationship. There are all kinds of cheaters. but I'll clarify. i could care less if there was anything wrong in the relationship, once someone has cheated. I do care before that.

 

but if things are bad enough to cheat, they aren't good enough to keep the relationship in my opinion. Everyone is different, but if I ever find out about any kind of cheating in the future, its over.

 

Because even if there were problems in the relationship that could be worked on, no matter how easily they can be fixed, one simple fact remains........my SO cheated and that, I will never forget and the relationship isn't worth it at that point. I won't hold myself prisoner with someone that I will have to wonder about from that point on.

[manugeorge]

Not to rain on your parade, she may just be using you to heal and nothing more.

 

When my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, it was so out of left field and such a blow to my self esteem and ego that for months, I was scrambling to have everything go back the way it was between us. I broke up with him upon finding out about the cheating but I didn't move on. I was still calling and texting and wanting us to hang out as if nothing happened. I didn't know what I was going through. WHen he wasn't around me, I was angry and sad but when he came around or I talked to him, I would pretend that all was well and would act as if we were still together. I guess I just didn't have anyone else to turn to but the very same person who betrayed me.

 

I liken it to a survival instinct that kicks in when something strange and unfamiliar comes to distort your reality. Before accepting that things have changed and before adapting to that change, some of us struggle to reject the change entirely. I didn't know how to cope and was so desperate to put the broken humpty dumty back together again.

 

A few more months passed before I started to very slowly get my bearings and started realizing that the betrayal was just too much for me to get over. It took me almost 2 years to finally walk away from him for good.

 

The scar remains, it always will, but the pain has subsized.

 

I never once entertained the thought of getting back together with my ex, not even while I still clung to him after our break-up. I just wanted to feel better and I thought clinging to him would make me feel better.