is this forgivable?

[mustangsally]

My ex and I broke up mutually in July, but we still have expressed feelings for one another. He went away for three months for work about a month later and requested that we have some "time off from one another", although he still asserted that he was in love with me until about last month.

 

He is back now for about a month. I still have feelings for him, but I haven't been waiting around...I've been dating other guys...it just sucks because it takes me a long time to find someone and it sucks being alone sometimes.

 

Anyway, we were toying with the idea of getting together for dinner a couple of times. Then a close friend of mine died and I had to leave town for the funeral. He was texting me and calling me while I was gone, making sure I was okay. When I got back, I went straight to work and stuff and didn't really have time to process it. My ex came over my first real free day and he initiated cuddling with me and even kissed me on the mouth. We don't celebrate Christmas, but I asked if I could come over on Christmas because I just didn't want to be alone. He said he'd ask his roommate.

 

This being said, there is no one else in town now because of the holidays. I have a friend coming in a few days, but I am really alone for most of the time. Usually I don't mind, but dealing with grief AND being alone makes things extra hard.

 

The next couple of days were rough. I called him a few times and texted him and got no answer. I did the same thing the next day and I finally got a text saying he left his phone at his house the day before and was now at a friend's house. I told him I was in a lot of pain over my friend's death. He texted me back "I'm sorry" and that was it.

 

That night I had a huge breakdown. I cried and cried pretty much all night and didn't get to sleep. I was so upset. My mother offered to buy me a ticket to her house, but family drama and stuff that ensues really made me hesitate. I went to work the next day and kept breaking down. I called my ex to see if maybe I could spend christmas with him and he didn't answer. He finally called back and sounded really pissed. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just angry I had reached out to him so much because its been "A bit much." So I just told him never mind and hung up.

 

I told my parents I wanted to go to their house, but unfortunately I got a painful double ear infection and couldn't fly. So here I am....alone, sick and grieving over the holidays.

 

And my ex? Hasn't even called once.

 

Did I do something wrong? Did he do something wrong? I am so mad....I am not even sure I can forgive him if I wanted to, but I still care about him. Advice?

[mustangsally]

Well, I just sent him a letter. Maybe I shouldn't have....dumb.

[Geishawhelk]

Yup You said it....

have a look round this forum and find out what people say about going No Contact.

You've basically really put your life on hold for a guy who is basically unavailable.

It's pissed him off, and now it's done you no favours either.

 

Do yourself a favour:

Never call him, write to him or deal with him again.

And make sure he does the same with you.

 

Cut him off at the knees and go total complete no contact.

Change your contact details and block him off at every route.

 

But of course, you won't, because the pain feels too good.

I give it another three months before you realise I'm talking sense.

[White Flower]

Hi MS,

 

You needed him and he chose not to be there for you. Any man with a heart would see that you are going through a rough time AND it's the holidays. Screw him, he's not good enough for you. He could at least have compassion if he doesn't have love. I hope your New Year is better.

[mustangsally]

Yup You said it....

have a look round this forum and find out what people say about going No Contact.

You've basically really put your life on hold for a guy who is basically unavailable.

It's pissed him off, and now it's done you no favours either.

 

Do yourself a favour:

Never call him, write to him or deal with him again.

And make sure he does the same with you.

 

Cut him off at the knees and go total complete no contact.

Change your contact details and block him off at every route.

 

But of course, you won't, because the pain feels too good.

I give it another three months before you realise I'm talking sense.

 

UM, okay? Apparently you haven't read the full post about how i was dating other people, haven't really contacted him and that he was there for me for a couple weeks during this, but seemed to decide that its got a time limit. I hate when people just blankently read things, don't actually read them, and put "OMG I'M RIGHT! NO CONTACT!!!!!"

[Geishawhelk]

I mean, total no contact. if you're seeing other people, why still be in touch with him?

And why send him a letter?

And what did you put?

AND WHY NOT GO COMPLETE NO CONTACT IF HE'S MESSING WITH YOUR MIND????

 

I did read your post, and my advice is the same.

If anyone yanks your chain, it's because you've given them the end to pull.

[mustangsally]

You read the part about him calling me during the funeral and coming over to my house and cuddling with me?

 

Um, maybe because I want to stay friends?

[Geishawhelk]

You can't stay friends with someone you still have feelings for and went to bed with.

It can't be done, because your feelings are on different planes.

He'll be happy to bosh you as and when he wants to get his oats.

You'll still think he has feelings for you, and he'll break your heart every time.

 

Hey, look, don't take my word for it. See what others have said. i'm not the only one telling you this.

But becoming and staying friends after a relationship, doesn't work.

 

Not unless you've both moved on, are married to other people you're totally in love with, have kids and can look back and laugh.

Otherwise - forget it.

[Geishawhelk]

You read the part about him calling me during the funeral and coming over to my house and cuddling with me?

 

Oh, and to answer your question, yes.

But see, I also read this bit. The bit you seem to have missed.

It's called "A red Flag".....

 

I called my ex to see if maybe I could spend christmas with him and he didn't answer. He finally called back and sounded really pissed. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just angry I had reached out to him so much because its been "A bit much."

[mustangsally]

Um, he told me he still has feelings for me and he doesn't break my heart everytime. It seems you are speaking in generalities. This is the first time he's been downright rude.... And we haven't had sex since we broke up in July, even though we've remained friends.

[Geishawhelk]

Did I do something wrong? Did he do something wrong? I am so mad....I am not even sure I can forgive him if I wanted to, but I still care about him. Advice?

 

So what is it you want then?

I'm giving you advice based on countless hundreds of the same or similar situations on here.

What do you want to hear?

Because on experience, what I've said, is what you should do.

If you don't want to hear it, or just want to hear what you want to hear, just carry on the way you are, ignore me, and suck it up honey.

Your choice.

[saturnfell]

It's a terrible thing when someone who was in your life suddenly changes how they act.

 

Regardless of whether or not he was there for you at one point, he wasn't the next. You need consistency. Also, if you're feeling that down, someone who knows this shouldn't shut you out because they are, in turn, inflicting more pain where it isn't needed. I'm sorry, but this is true. Holidays are tough enough as it is, we don't need the people around us who supposedly care and that we care about not answering our calls and becoming angry we may have leaned on them.

 

You said you want to be friends, correct? Well, friends should be there for one another. He was not, that's not a very good friend if you ask me. Also, friends don't talk everyday, and it appears you are very upset over this. To be his friend, I think you need to let go a little. And another thing, friends don't snuggle and kiss. Please don't get into that habit. It's a terrible one.

 

This is your life. These are your choices. However he doesn't seem to be treating you the way someone should treat someone.

[EmperorR]

Trust me Geisha speaks the truth, I know its something you don't want to hear, we all have that stage. The what do you know about my relationship, he/she is not like that. No one can tell you what to do just giving you the best advice to heal yourself an move on to something better. But if you want to cling to hope and let it eat you inside that one day it will turn out magical by all means go right ahead.

[sultry33]

Trust me Geisha speaks the truth, I know its something you don't want to hear, we all have that stage. The what do you know about my relationship, he/she is not like that. No one can tell you what to do just giving you the best advice to heal yourself an move on to something better. But if you want to cling to hope and let it eat you inside that one day it will turn out magical by all means go right ahead.

 

yes i remember that stage very well.. i thought how can you be so blunt

my man loves me he wouldnt play me..WRONG..

once you realize that they are no longer the same person who was in love with you.. you are not there priority etc then you will heal and move on

clinging to hope keeps you as there backup;)

 

i hope you get through this stage soon as it try=ully sucks

[mustangsally]

I'm not sure if you guys read the part where I said I have feelings for him but don't want to be with him because I know we're not compatible? Or the part where I said we broke up mutually?

[saturnfell]

The main point here is he's not respecting your feelings on any level. If someone cannot be there for you when you need them, they are not a true friend and they don't have your best interest in mind. Don't you want to surround yourself with people who care about you no matter when / where?

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, we got that.

Our advice still stands.

So answer my question, as of above.

What is it you want from us?

[Frankasy]

I've said this before. If you break up than it's best to not talk to your ex or else someone will get hurt sooner or later and in this case it was you. Maybe he was just joking around with you, never really meant to get back with you or maybe he did but his roommate or a common friend changed his mind. Those two sound like the most possible options but since he sounded pissed when you called him, I'm guessing that it's the second one.

 

But I wouldn't recommend trying to find out who and why did this. Just try and have a good time with your friend or go somewhere and make new friends. Like they say, it's the season to be jolly, not in thoughts.

[gd26]

I'm not sure if you guys read the part where I said I have feelings for him but don't want to be with him because I know we're not compatible? Or the part where I said we broke up mutually?

 

I'm not sure what difference this makes to your situation. Bottom line is that he doesn't care about you enough to commit to you as a boyfriend. Although the breakup might have been mutual, he has made it clear that he isn't interested in being a couple now.

 

Most of us here have been in your shoes at some point. We've gone through the confusion, denial, anger, sadness, grief etc. However, when we finally started to see that our ex-partners just didn't care enough, we started to let go. Most of us here still struggle now and then, but the pain does reduce over time.

 

Do you think you are the only person whose ex has kissed, cuddled or been sweet to them after the breakup? Well you are not. Many people here have gotten those mixed messages. But at the end, the result was still the same... the exes didn't want to get back together, and begging or rationalizing with them doesn't help, only makes things much worse. Many people here (including myself) have wanted to be friends with the ex, but then later realized that we are deluding ourselves, and we are just hoping that friendship would be a way for the other person to be reminded how great we are... so they want to get back together. Trying to be friends might feel good in the beginning, as you will get some satisfaction being in touch with your beloved, but soon after, the resentment will settle in as you hear of other people your ex is seeing, and start getting frustrated that he doesn't seem to want you back.

 

I realize that you are in the denial stage right now. That's okay. Most of us have all been there... it's part of the process. Just don't be too unkind with people here who are trying to help you.... because weeks from now, after you are done with all the begging, crying and pleading with your ex (who likely will still not take you back).... then you will be back on this site wanting support for NC... and these same people here will be the ones supporting you in that.

[mustangsally]

How am I in the denial stage if I know we're not right for each other and I don't want to get back together with him? Please explain. I don't get it.

[Nemo]

How am I in the denial stage if I know we're not right for each other and I don't want to get back together with him? Please explain. I don't get it.

Well, this dude is deep inside your melon, and that means you're thinking about him way too much. I don't see why he deserves any mental bandwidth in your life - I think it's time to cut the cord. Being "friends" is entirely more trouble than it's worth.

[MotoMan]

OK, you're still talking out of both sides of your mouth, though. I'm getting that you're lonely, especially at the holidays, and you want to have him in your life. His actions are speaking louder than his words... He blows you off, gets pissed off because you're coming off as needy. He tried to be there for you after your friends death, but it seems that you want more than he is willing or able to provide. You're waiting to see if he will change, come around, so to speak, and feel the same way that you do. Based on what you've said so far, he doesn't feel the same way you do. I suggest you do things for YOU! Be good to yourself! Engage in some healthy habits, do things that make you feel good. When you're happy, you will attract men into your life that will compliment you. Sometimes people come into your life to teach you certain life lessons, then they're gone. So, what have you learned so far from this relationship?

[mustangsally]

So you don't think he cares about me or wants to be friends? Not trying to be defensive, I'm just asking.

[Geishawhelk]

You still haven't told us what you want from us, and we're all telling you this is pointless.

Byut you're not listening. You keep banging on about just being friends.....

 

You keep saying you know you're incompatible, but you still want him in your life.

He knows you're incompatible - and he doesn't want you in his life.

 

He's blowing you off.

Why can you not see this?

He's trying to tell you loud and clear that your presence in his life is not what he wants.

Your insistence on being in his life - even if you maintain it's just for 'friendship' - is not acceptable to him.

He doesn't want that.

 

Is this any clearer, now?

[mustangsally]

I just don't get why someone would turn on a dime. He had called me telling me he wanted to get together again later two days before he supposedly "cut me out of his life", but since I reached out to him "too much" he doesn't want me in his life? Seems pretty quick to cut someone out...especially when they're hurting.