mm4184 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 my posts are pretty far back so in a nutshell, my ex of 2.5yrs and i broke up september after 2 months of trying (mostly me trying). things were getting routine, we weren't having fun, he "wasn't into it anymore", i wanted to "rekindle" but he wanted to focus on his goals and his work which he has A LOT of and not have all the obligations and he felt like it wasn't fair to me, he said he's not where he wants to be and he just turned 30 so i feel like he's just trying to "EXPLORE" and see how it is to be single since we were together for almost 3 years and before me he was in a 9 year relationship. it was devastating. i was a COMPLETE mess and i kinda still am.. i feel like i need antidepressants but i'm too scared to take them. after a month we started seeing each other again after him saying he missed me and thought about me everyday.. but that got bad. we stopped for the sake of any kind of "friendship" in the future since we agreed we never want to lose each other in our lives. i found out he went on a date and that hurt because he had told me he doesn't want to have anything to do with girls right now but he said he HAD to see and he realized he wasn't ready. then we got in a huge fight because he found out i had all his passwords and was snooping and i had lied about it (i know i'm stupid) but i saw that he was flirting with girls and it just hurt me.. we ended up talking after a week and it was really nice which was the total opposite of what i thought would happen (yell at each other and go our separate ways). he cooked for me and he was saying all he wanted me to do was admit that i had his passwords and that he couldn't stay angry at me, etc. we cuddled and he kept saying how he remembers how i smell and how comfortable i am.. we ended up sleeping together AGAIN. but then after that we didn't talk! then 2 weeks later on dec 14 i was angry at one of my friends and i was texting him cuz i was a bit intoxicated and ended up inviting myself over and sleeping together again. i'm an IDIOT!! the next day we ate breakfast and then went our separate ways again.. no contact. then christmas eve he texted me he had to drop something off to my family. it was just chocolates. he said we'd exchange our presents later so... still trying to figure out about that. i got him a present awhile back that i can't return because i got it on craigslist and part of me really wants him to have it. anyways, i found out he's been trying to talk to a distant friend and has been texting her and even said he wanted to see her one night. it was like a stab in my heart. supposedly she doesn't like him but for HIM to do that.. just hurts so much. i can't imagine the day i see him with someone else and how far that would set me back. it's so difficult because 2 of my best friends work for him and i don't want to change my whole lifestyle just to avoid him. i don't know what to do. i wake up with so much anxiety and longing. i'm like a zombie. i can function but it overpowers my thoughts and i'm SOOOO afraid of him moving on before me. i can try to have fun but he's always in the back of my head. i know it's not under my control but what the hell am i supposed to do!? i miss him like crazy and i love him so much.. i know it wasn't really working but i wanted to start fresh because we finally knew what each other needed but i guess it was too late for him.. just please tell me what to do.. i'm so lost and it tears me up thinking and wondering what the hell he's doing and with who. i can't help it! i try to distract my thoughts but it just doesn't help! it's been since july that i've been so down and i just started working out few weeks ago and that kinda helps but i dread going to sleep knowing that in the mornings i'm gonna feel like crap. i still cry at times and i just feel so miserable. i always think of all the great times we shared and how i lost my best friend and the one person i would tell everything to.. he's not there anymore..
Ratherunique Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I feel your pain. The best thing you could do for now is to do what everyone else on Loveshack will probably tell you. Go NC and don't look back. It's easier said than done, believe me I know.....I just got out of a relationship in which my ex left me for her ex but she doesn't admit it but I know. Keep yourself busy with different activities. Continue to work out at the gym, read books etc....
saturnfell Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Try your best not to beat yourself up over what he's doing. He is going to do what he's going to do. You're not going to try and stop him, so focus your energy somewhere else. Thinking about what he's doing is only going to bring you down. Do things that if he wondered about you, would make him think. The best thing you could probably do for yourself right now, is take time for yourself. Go on a walk everyday. Get in a routine. When you're feeling down, put on your favorite show or movie. One thing that I found helpful is to have my favorite movie handy. Something light, no love. Small things such as this will help you get through the day. I know what you mean regarding being afraid to go to sleep. One thing you could try is clearing your mind before you go to sleep, visually imagine clearing your mind. If you're successful, you'll find this calming. You're right, the stress of the situation will be there the next day, but as soon as you start putting yourself first, waking up each morning will get a lot easier. One day you will wake-up and it will be ok. You will be ok. Thank about it like this: it's his loss. He can no longer be with you. You do not want to invite him back into your life (and yes, that is the way it is)
Author mm4184 Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 thanks guys. it just sucks because whenever i do go anywhere, there's always someone else if not him that will remind me of him because we're all in the same community of people and things we like to do. i HATE waking up because he's the first thought in my head and it just hurts so much thinking that everything we ever shared and how close we used to be is just gone now. how does anyone get to even starting to accept that? i know i have to actually WANT to move on but i can't even get to the acceptance or the willingness to let go.. i don't want it to take seeing him with someone else before i can move on. i just want to be able to move on but it's just so difficult for me please help..
wierdmunky Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Keep hanging in there. In time you will feel less hurt. Focus on your own goals to keep away from dwelling on the past.
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