Don'tDeserveHerBut Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I know that most of the people around here are the victims, seaching for help...I, on the other hand was the victimizer who found out too late. Anyway, here's my story. Have been married for eight years. It has always been a little rocky...not horribly bad, just rock from time to time. 2008 was the year that things finally came to a head though. I had and affair on her with someone. The affair lasted about two months, before I finally confessed it to her. She had already had the feeling that was going on because of my emotional and physical detachment from her during that time. She wanted to work things out. For some reason I had a hard time letting this other girl go. I made my wife sit in horror for a month while I made my decision...my decision was to stay with my wife. This other girl lived out of state and I never saw her again...when I broke off that affair, she told me that she thought she was pregnant...my wife knew this...she was still willing to stay with me, I needed this baby information to not go any further than me or the wife though...so, since my wife didn't want me speaking to this girl anymore, I did so in secret. I had previously found out about a lot of lies she told (the other woman), so I can honestly say that I was emotionally detached completely from the other woman (I am being 100% real with that). I continued to talk to her...I was playing her because I was scared because she had proven to be a little psycho...and I didn't need the information about the baby to go other places, because it could really mess me up then, and she knew it. So because I didn't know what else to do, I kept contact going. Things were getting better at home. I had to work part of the Thanksgiving holiday, so the wife and my two children (4 & 6), left town to be with family. After I had finished my holiday work, I left town too...to see a friend of mine who had asked to see me. She was going through a rough divorce, and she felt a bond with me (not sexual or romantic), I told my wife I was doing something else though, because she wouldn't understand. Nothing happened with me and my friend, but my wife did discover that I was lying to her. So, I told her the truth. She said that she felt severed from me and took the children and left town. She wants to file for a legal seperation, then divorce. Currently, I am in contact with her...mainly for the children, and I am taking steps to fix the problems that I have in my life. I completely severed communication with the affair girl (we are actually about 80% sure she is full of crap on the baby), I severed communication with my female friend going through the divorce, and also ended friendships with a couple of guys that were not condusive to a good relationship with my wife. I am working on setting a time with a therapist I met for initial consultation to seek therapy to address the issues that I have, I have started going back to church. I don't want to lose this marriage. I found out (a little late) that I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I want to restore my family and move on. I am doing everything I know to do. I recognize that I was the problem and she finally had enough, and now I am working to fix myself. Anyone have any further insight or advice...could I be doing more? This hurts so bad, and I don't want to lose my marriage.
BikerBeagle Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Probably too little, too late ...but good luck.
steveraves Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I have to agree with the above.. It's probably too little, too late. I'm currently in a similar situation. My wife and I had grown apart, we both kinda let things go. I started chatting with a girl online fell in love. I told her, and eventually she moved out. Really improved myself by going to church, not for her, for me. I ended up finding my love for her, but she's never been really involved in trying to repair the relationship. I think she has her own issues that she's dealing with and chooses to repress the pain, sadness and anger. After 8 months of feeling like my life is in limbo I finally saw a lawyer about a week ago. I just came to the conclusion we both treated each other bad when we were together, but I can only fix myself and she has been resistant in trying to fix herself. I decided to just let her go and I guess if it's meant to be maybe one day we'll be together again, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I wish I had better news for you and maybe your circumstances will be different. good luck to you.
lkjh Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Way to late. You cheated and then lied so you can go visit another woman. Why do you deserve one more shot?
Author Don'tDeserveHerBut Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Way to late. You cheated and then lied so you can go visit another woman. Why do you deserve one more shot? I don't, hence my name.
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 All you can do is work on you, be a good and loving father to your kids. Don't pressure your wife, let her see the changes in you, then maybe she'll reconsider and you two can slowly get back together with the help of marriage counseling. There's ALOT of trust issues going on and you did alot of deceiving behind her back. As for the OW, well, a paternity test needs to be taken to find out if you're the father. And the female friend who is divorcing, I don't understand why you allowed yourself to get close to her seeing as you JUST got out of an affair.
Author Don'tDeserveHerBut Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 All you can do is work on you, be a good and loving father to your kids. Don't pressure your wife, let her see the changes in you, then maybe she'll reconsider and you two can slowly get back together with the help of marriage counseling. There's ALOT of trust issues going on and you did alot of deceiving behind her back. As for the OW, well, a paternity test needs to be taken to find out if you're the father. And the female friend who is divorcing, I don't understand why you allowed yourself to get close to her seeing as you JUST got out of an affair. Bad judgement on my part...in regards to the friend...I have been the king of bad judgement these days. In regards to the OW...without going into a long drawn out story, there has been A LOT of evidence to support the fact that there was never any baby...haven't seen here since the alleged conception date, and she lives half way across the country. She is definitetly done a bang up job in the manipulation department. So the plan is to confirm that for sure first, because I could not get solid proof of that from the OW before I severed contact with her, and I WILL NOT re-establish contact with her in any form to determine that. I have a PI I am talking to in that state, and most likely just going to keep myself clear of her and let him find out for me.
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I was just thinking of that, hiring a PI to find out if the OW is pregnant or not. She sounds like a bunnyboiler, so it's a good thing you're keeping no contact with her. I hope for your sake she isn't pregnant.. Anyway, as I said earlier, focus on you and fixing what's broken inside of you, and hopefully your wife will give you a chance to prove yourself to her.
Gunny376 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 First I would print a variatoin of your intitial post (not the exact post) come completely clean, make a simple but sincere apology ~ and then go NC and shut up in so far as any relationship talk goes. Meanwhile: This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting: Quote: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes You've hurt her and she's angry. Anything you say or do at this point is only rubbing salt into an open wound. She's (as you are) going through the five stages of grief (Goggle it and bring it up in your couseling session. Give her TIME, and time to grieve. One of the stages is anger ~ so perpare yourself to stand by for more than one tounge lashing, cold shoulder, etc. You might want to Goggle "MarriageBuilders" and "DivorceBusting" Be carefull of reading the fourmns, as there's a cache that has taken over ~ so take it with a grain of salt. Other than that (identfying your weaknesses and shortcomings & seek self improvement) all you can do is really hope and pray ~ but as othrs have already stated it may be a case of it being too late. That's the first thing that your going to have to come to terms with. You may want to get the book "Divorcebusting" by Michelle Weiner-Davis' and read it cover to cover, but I caution you, that you need to give her time and space if you have any chance. You've got to give her time to grieve the lost of a lot things that she thought she had, ~ a faithful and loving husband & marriage, her hopes and dreams of the two of your's future together, (seeing and putting the children through school, college, weddings, anniversaries) and much more. Finally if you have any chance at all together you've got to give her the "gift" of missing you, and she cannot accpet that gift if your constantly crying, whinning, and in her face about it. You might want to Goggle a book entitled "How To Win Back The One You Love" by Eric Weber. Mind you he's one of the original Dating Gurus, but he's got some good thoughts about the subject. I wouldn't recommend them over Michelle's book, as its a bit dated on the subject, and she's more qualified than he. I would use his book as food for thought more than anything. At best I would ask of the DW one thing and one thing only in regards to the relationships, for the sake of the children lets give ourselves one solid year before we file for divorce. Its a hard cold cruel world out there, and the economy is in the toliet. Probally THE hardest job on the planet is that of being a single working parent. Moving back home to Moma and Daddy is a bad solution because now you have the added pressure of being a grown adult with children, and they're sooner or later are going to treat you as though your 15 again. Good luck and keep posting. Meanwhile "Buck Up!" It will all wash out for the best one way or the other.
Gunny376 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 You need to seriously take a look at your budget and finances. Like most married couples you made financial decision based upon two incomes, but you could potentially find yourself paying off those financial obligations on one income + paying out as much 30% of your net income in child support and other related expenses, (child care, medical, dental,) etc. You should immediately get a copy of your credit report from all three major credit reporting agencies, (don't just go to the website, all three will re-direct you a "central" site to get your "annual free credit report" Write each one and request a copy from each individual credit reporting agency. Until the gavel has fallen and the ink is good and dry on the divorce papers go ahead and pay out the extra $8 to $10 bucks each quarter (every three months ~ per credit reporting agency) to check your credit report. All kinds of bad-nasties can happen which can and will affect you for years upon years ~ even with getting a job or promotion. While collections stay on your CR for seven years, tax leins stay on there for ten years or indefinatley until collected. Ditto with un-paid child support and student loans. Just because you and STBX signed a joint return, doesn't mean she can't file "Head of Household and three deductions" The IRS recognizes the first claim filed and you could find yourself with a hefty tax bill with penalties and interst in the thousands of dollars. If you do find yourself in trouble with the IRS, be very, very polite and professional. Trust me, as bad as things are, they can get much, much worse! The Mary Hunt's "Debtproof Living" Mary has a website by the same name, but you'll have to Goggle it, since its a paid site ($2 a month) and is chocked full of ideas about how to squezze a penny until it screams! The fourms, ideas, and such are worth every penny.
Author Don'tDeserveHerBut Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Thank you for all the information Gunny...you don't know how much it is appreciated.
Author Don'tDeserveHerBut Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 The question I have is how long do I give her to mourn all of that...it seems that there might be a window in which to act...seems that waiting too long, the odds of reconciliation become less and less and the two people start to drift farther apart. I admit Gunny, I have been guilty of violating most of the rules that you listed above. I have found myself looking for reasons to call her...trying to remind her of the good times...and I actually did the plead thing on Christmas eve (I was at her parents house for my childrens' christmas)...and I gave her a Christmas gift as well. I am focusing on trying to change that. I am going to try and call once every evening, only for the purpose of saying goodnight to my children...if she wants to talk about anything during those times, I will let her, and let her be the one to lead the conversation. I have had a few days off, and I have been sitting in my darkened house...an emotional mess...tonight, I am actually going to get together at a friend's house and play some cards...so I am trying to get other things going...it's just really hard, because all I think about is her.
MotoMan Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Gunny's got some great advice! To answer your other question about how much time to give her, there's two sides to this: on the one hand, you can't put a timetable on her processing her feelings, it takes as long as it takes; on the other hand, you have to go with your gut to see how much time you feel you have/should give to this. Since you have children, they are more important than your marriage, and although you don't have total control over what ultimately happens to your marriage (only your side of it), you DO have total control over what kind of man/father you want to be to your children. This gets to what Gunny brought up, roughly paraphrased, be the kind of man that your kids will admire and respect. Be the kind of man that your STBX would want and fall in love with. Whatever you say to her at this point is pure bulls**t, like it or not. As a man, you're judged on your actions, not words. You found that out by going through this situation. If you want to see what can happen to a guy that has an A, feel free to read my past posts. Ironically, my XW was on this site, at the same time, and it made for some interesting dialog. I've since found out that my ex visits friends just a few doors down the street, and while I wanted to give her a birthday card (leave it on her car), I took it back because I was worried she would try to use it to disrupt my present relationship. I'm a changed man since the D, and I'm sure my X is a changed W, it's just sad sometimes. Read Gunny's posts and mine to see some of the possible outcomes, and good luck!
Gunny376 Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I'm in my work-cycle (I work Wed - Sun), and I've posted some rather long post but my laptop deletes them. I telling your HAPPY @zz! BACK OFF FROM THA' HELL OFF FROM VERY SOON TO BE X WIFE! NO LETTERS! NO CARDS! QUIT Calling! Quit pleading! Quit begging! All of this is just driving her further away! You are seriously drifting into the "Let's just be friends" syndrone! JHC! Have I got to be a Marine DI again! Take all that crap you've learned and dump it! I guess I've got to spell it o Women want and need to be taken to another place, Mentally, spiritually, emotionally ~ not just physicallly~ sexually? But to a higher tier! Most men? Treat women like a piece of @ss and that's BS!
Gunny376 Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 To the OP, Bro! Lay off and lay back on the STBX! Give me sometime! I'm in my work-cycle. Meanwihile forumn searceh any and everthing posted by "LadyJane"
Gunny376 Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Seriously back off! Go completely NC! And yes the Divorce Counselor is a good way to go! Better than marrying the same woman six times!
Author Don'tDeserveHerBut Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 So I am a bit confused...I confessed to making the mistakes, but I have backed off to one phone call a night just to speak to my children...is this okay, or not?
Gunny376 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Of course irs alright to call your children everyday, they should be your number #1 priorty in life from here on. Behind that should be getting your head, life and personal affairs in order, because come what may, your going to need it in the days, weeks, and months to come.
Recommended Posts