Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I'm always a big proponent of honesty, but this situation feels tricky - probably because it's me, not someone else. I met a guy mid-November (in person, out and about with friends). Exchanged phone numbers and talked a lot via text, and then went on one date with him about 2 weeks ago to a very swank place. (BTW - this is NOT the shirt guy - that's going well. ) While he's a great guy in his own right and almost impossible not to like as a person, from that date, as well as our other conversations, I've realized we're just not compatible and don't want to see him again romantically. He texts me multiple times each day. (He also uses pet names towards me in almost half of them, which is just weird - he's done that from the get-go, immediately after meeting.) If I don't respond in an hour, he sends another text asking me if my phone is working or if I'm busy. Some of these texts were on Christmas Eve, after I specifically told him I was with family. Every single day he asks me what my plans are for that night, or for the upcoming weekend. I've had plans each time he's asked, which has avoided any awkward need for turning him down, but I sense he'll be extending an invite as soon as I even hint that I'm free. It's been ONE date, so I think that to even communicate that I'm not interested in seeing him romantically anymore would come across as really presumptuous. Yet at the same time, it's obvious he expects there will be another date, and another date, and another date. I need to nip that expectation in the bud ASAP. I also want to keep in mind the fact that we have at least 7-8 friends in common, and he's very popular in the community. His family is well known. So I don't want to be a "bad guy" here. Any ideas?
prettybaby Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Wow, that kinda guy would definitely turn me off too. Way too fast for my taste. Perhaps you should get a coffee with him or something and honestly tell him in person that you don't see it working as far as dating goes, just be nice about it. If you don't wanna tell him that, then randomly bring up the fact that you're seeing someone lol! I don't know. In any case, the sooner the better. You don't want to keep his hopes up for too long, or it could get bad.
510 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 You remind me of one of my brothers.. I think we could have a wonderful friendship. Do you know ????? I would love to meet him, could you set me up? I don't know but like you mentioned just be honest. For some reason with the male suitors I have, seem to get it. They often make comments about not understanding why I don't like them, but we still remain friends. We still talk on the phone, go to the movies and even shopping sometimes. Not everyone is capable of doing this so you have to be careful. There are some that I would never allow to pursue me and they will make comments like, "You never call me back?" "You don't know a good man when you see one." And if I run into them on the streets, I say hello and of course they will say something like, "I'm still waiting for that call" and I will always answer, I am just way too busy..
Author Star Gazer Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Being busy (despite legitimately!) doesn't seem to work.
510 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 why not.. what do they say when you tell them that? They can either take it as an answer or not. In other words I'm too busy to talk to you.. I've never had a problem with anyone accepting that answer.
allina Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Don't string him along. Because he's a good person be honest with him. Hard as it may be tell him that you had a great time but that you don't think he's a match. If you want you can also say that you're going to start dating another man exclusively (which is sort of true w/ shirt guy).
nittygritty Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Either... "I realize were just not compatible and I don't want to see you again romantically" Or "My boyfriend and I got back together"
amerikajin Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Hmmm... I totally understand that his clingy behavior is a bit irritating, but he clearly saw a lot more in that first date than you did. He needs to know at some point that you're just not quite as interested in him as he is in you. It doesn't have to be tomorrow, and you can take a day without responding to his texts, but I would just phone him up and tell him the truth in a nice way. Perhaps you could text him but phoning might be better, I don't know. Maybe just start by saying "It was a nice date the other night and I appreciate that you were a gentleman, but to be honest, I think I just feel like you're more of a friend to me than a dating partner. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. I hope you're okay with that."
Author Star Gazer Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Amer - Yes, he definitely saw a lot more in me than I did in him... but not just from that date (we didn't even kiss, BTW), but from the moment he met me. From the very beginning he was acting very smitten. At first I just chalked it up to him being very suave and charming, and now I'm not so sure what it is. But I agree that he needs to know that I don't see a future between us. I don't want to say that I don't know why I feel the way I do, because I rattle off many reasons why we're not compatible. During our conversations, I've pointed out these differences. My feelings would be no surprise, I don't think. I just hate letting someone down. Particularly someone I know I'll run into from time to time.
Tony T Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I always truly appreciate someone telling me straight out they simply aren't interested in me. That's something I like to know right away. Of course, that encourages some guys but not me. I am quickly out of there. I like a challenge...but I like being the challenge.
amerikajin Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Amer - Yes, he definitely saw a lot more in me than I did in him... but not just from that date (we didn't even kiss, BTW), but from the moment he met me. From the very beginning he was acting very smitten. At first I just chalked it up to him being very suave and charming, and now I'm not so sure what it is. But I agree that he needs to know that I don't see a future between us. I don't want to say that I don't know why I feel the way I do, because I rattle off many reasons why we're not compatible. During our conversations, I've pointed out these differences. My feelings would be no surprise, I don't think. I just hate letting someone down. Particularly someone I know I'll run into from time to time. I know where you're coming from, SG. If you weren't going to see him again, maybe you could just send him a short text. But because you guys do have some mutual friendships, I don't know...hard to say. I would probably call but I don't know. Maybe let a day or two go by so that the reality begins to settle in on his side. Then maybe call him on Sunday. Of course he might start spelling it out sooner with stuff like "Why don't you ever return my texts/calls?" If it gets to that point, that might be the time to address it. But otherwise, maybe wait til Sunday afternoon. Maybe give him a heads-up text with something like "Are you in a place where you can talk for a bit?"
allina Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I don't think you should ask him to meet you somewhere to tell him you're not interested. That's a bit much after one date. Plus, it might embarrass him and make him feel even worse. Keep it short, simple and to the point. Don't go on and on explaining yourself. Tell him thank you for the nice night, but you just don't see a romantic relationship developing, the end.
prettybaby Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I don't think you should ask him to meet you somewhere to tell him you're not interested. That's a bit much after one date. Plus, it might embarrass him and make him feel even worse. I'm not sure about that. I did the exact same thing once and it turned out well. We had dated twice I think, and I just wasn't feeling it. I invited him out for coffee and told him straight out. I told him I wouldn't want to waste anybody's time and feelings, and that I certainly didn't want to hurt him, but I also realized that waiting any longer would probably end up hurting him more. So yeah. He was sooooo disappointed, poor guy. But you know what? He got over it very quickly, and we ended up staying friends afterward. He told me a while later that he had truly appreciated my honesty, and that I was right: it was much easier to get over it at such an early stage. I think it all depends on how you word it. That's the biggest factor.
allina Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Ah, interesting. I'm against asking him to meet somewhere because I think it would suck to go get ready, go out to meet a person you like to get dumped, in public. I think I would be mad, like a phone call, even text would suffice. Plus he'll be excited thinking she wants to spend time with him only to get dumped. Had they been dating for a bit I can see getting together, but I think after one date it's ok to do by phone.
likestolaugh Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 With these things there is NOTHING worse than not being honest. Just tell him, politely. Even if it doesn't seem like it, he WILL appreciate honesty. And please please don't let it drag out. That sucks for him.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Ah, interesting. I'm against asking him to meet somewhere because I think it would suck to go get ready, go out to meet a person you like to get dumped, in public. I think I would be mad, like a phone call, even text would suffice. Plus he'll be excited thinking she wants to spend time with him only to get dumped. Had they been dating for a bit I can see getting together, but I think after one date it's ok to do by phone. I agree. I once had a guy I had been dating for about three weeks or so (5 dates) ask me to MEET at a sushi restaurant, where he proceeded to tell me he wasn't feelin' it. I was so let down. I was excited to see him, got all cute and whatnot, and was embarrassed that he did it in public.
likestolaugh Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 over the phone is best in this situation methinks... it's personal and not public, sincere and not a throw-away txtmsg.
johan Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 He's acting like he doesn't know what page you're on. He thinks you're a couple chapters farther ahead than you are. How would he get these ideas? Are you sure you haven't called out "I love you" during sex?
motive2002 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 The flat out truth would be the best thing here, as it is in most cases Just tell him that he came on way too strong with texting all the time and you lost interest.. and that you like someone else right now. Just tell him flat out. No need to be coy.
allina Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Just tell him that he came on way too strong with texting all the time and you lost interest.. But what's the point in blaming him? I think it's better to say "I'm not interested" instead of "You did this" and put the whole thing on him. Plus had SG been extremely smitten with him the contact would have been a thrill.
carhill Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 S_G.....one date, no kiss, mutual friends....hmmm... My first inclination would be to do a face-to-face over lunch. Casual, personal, public....he could see your body language and expressions, which mean a lot. IME, the women who have "dumped" me this way are the ones, even now many years later, whom I respect and admire. I got the message of no interest but saw the kindness in their eyes. You don't have to do it in the restaurant...."walk me back to my car/tube stop/etc" and do it privately.....
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 SG, you've had previous engagements so your sched has been filled up. Deliberately leave a substantial opening. When he asks you out again, turn him down gently. "While I like you as a friend, I don't see more happening between us. Since we've only dated once [so he puts this back into perspective], I didn't want to lead you on to believe otherwise."
motive2002 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 But what's the point in blaming him? I think it's better to say "I'm not interested" instead of "You did this" and put the whole thing on him. Plus had SG been extremely smitten with him the contact would have been a thrill. Well, his stalker-ish amount of texting was definitely a little creepy. Someone ought to tell him, right? hehe.
carhill Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 IMO, it's not a lady's job to educate a gentleman about etiquette. That's what making mistakes, identifying them and learning from them is for. As was mentioned, had the OP had interest, his texting would likely not have been an issue and/or undesirable.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 His texting actually has NOTHING to do with my feelings (or really, lack thereof) at all. I'm not interested in pursuing things for very different reasons. Specifically, he not active (I am), he's atheist (I'm at least spiritual), he's still very much into partying (I've been over that for a LONG time), and he doesn't share any of my interests (skiing, tennis, traveling) or have any desire to try them. We just lead very, very different lives.
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