Thoughts appreciated

[steveraves]

I guess I've come to realize that the marriage is coming to an end or at least I've had enough. I feel like the past 8 months have been one big game to her. While I've worked hard at becoming a better person.

 

I'm not really familiar with the passive aggressive person. Maybe someone can help. I myself have been diagnosed with Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety. My wife and I are currently separated and it looks like were heading for divorce. I think she may be passive aggressive, but sometimes I wonder if it just me. I wanted to give some examples and maybe you can give me your advice.

 

 

1. At the beginning of our separation she told me that I would have to participate more with her families functions ie. xmas, New Years ect. On 3 occasions I've offered to do such and each time she has said no. The 2nd time I offered I confronted her with what she had wanted and she told me she had to be excited about me again.

 

2. She's lied to me about having a lawyer, as well as, health insurance. The health insurance was so she didn't have to put me on her policy. I found out about this when I had to take our son to the Dr. and I had to tell them we didn't have insurance. She then admitted we did have insurance.

 

3. I had purchased tickets to a concert months in advance. About 2 - 3 weeks before the concert I asked if were going to the concert together and she said that she had asked someone from work to go with her. Then about a week prior to the concert she asked me why I hadn't asked her to the concert.

 

4. Something else she wanted was to allow her sisters to watch the kids more, which I consented. The concert was on a Saturday which is when she had the kids. She had plenty of time she could've asked her sisters but never did. Finally within a week prior to the concert she told me she didn't have a babysitter. I told her to go ahead and ask someone in her family. I don't remember if she bothered asking her sisters, maybe only her brother. Anyways, I had to find a babysitter.

 

5. She was sick approximately the first week of November. She refuses to go to church although she use too. Anyways she drops the kids off at church and I asked if she wanted me to get her anything after church, which she said no. I also asked after church, and she said that she was going to sleep all day. So I didn't want to bother her. Later that night around 10pm she text me to say "Thanks for checking up on me.", which I replied "Your welcome", her reply was "You didn't check up on me."

 

6. She doesn't want to address issues with our marriage and when I try to bring it up she either says I'm starting an arguement or why can't we just have fun.

 

7. Several times I have said she isn't putting much effort into trying to save the marriage and which she agrees and says she'll try harder. She gives the appearance by saying nice things but not much action ever comes of it.

 

8. She will say that she wants a divorce/dissolution yet she never files anything and either wants or expects me to do it. She's never taken any action to file or pursue the divorce.

 

9. I told her once that we need to think of the kids first and she said that she's tired of being 2nd.

 

10. Going back to church has been wonderful in getting my life back together and getting the kids involved in church. I thought by seeing all the positive changes she would want to go, but she would reply that she's not ready for church and then at other times she would say "her dad made her go to church every Sunday when she was a kid, and now that she's an adult she doesn't have to go."

 

11. I've pretty much have had the kids in my care since June of this year. She has them Fri/Sat night. She doesn't put much effort into wanting to spend more time with them.

 

12. I went to Michigan for a week in early December when I came back their was an empty 12 pack of beer and a opened beer case in the refrigerator.

 

13. Other times when I try to confront her on things she will either say "I didn't say that" or "That's not true".

 

14. I've gone without texting her and when that happens she will always send a text to me about something or asking something. At times it's like she wants to carry on a conversation.

 

The list goes on but this should be enough to get the jist. I have filed divorce papers and have not told her about this. I suspect when she gets them she will be angry with me, or non caring, but ultimately try to come off as the victim. Any insight, opinions ect would be appreciated. I sometimes wonder if she really wants a divorce or if she just enjoys the attention. thx

[Don'tDeserveHerBut]

I am left wondering what you are asking for insight on. Unless I read this wrong, you seem to want a divorce. As far as the W's behavior, I would say that she definitely has some issues...it seems she is either playing a game with you or she is just "floating". It's almost like she doesn't know whether she wants to stay or go...can't make a decision, so she baits you into making the choice, so she doesn't have to. I don't know, those are just my thoughts.

[steveraves]

Thanks for the reply. I think I picked a bad word using insight, opinions might be a better word. I guess I'm curious if others find her behavior a bit bizarre or is it just me.

 

I don't want a divorce, but at the same time I realize I've done everything I can in the situation. I can fix me and work on me, but I can't force her to make our marriage a priority. She thinks her life is stressful. Her view of having bills to pay is a credit card, cell phone, and car insurance.

 

It's just a very frustrating situation, but I suppose all of us that are in this situation deal with the same frustration.

[Geishawhelk]

She sounds Bi-Polar.

There's definitely something going on there.

Her behaviour sounds constantly conflictive.....

She should see someone in a professional capacity, but in her state of mind she won't even see half-reason.

 

I'd quit and file for custody, too.

[steveraves]

She sounds Bi-Polar.

There's definitely something going on there.

Her behaviour sounds constantly conflictive.....

She should see someone in a professional capacity, but in her state of mind she won't even see half-reason.

 

I'd quit and file for custody, too.

 

Thank you... I have major depression and generalized anxiety. I don't think she's bi polar, but I'm thinking she's passive aggressive. I don't know much about passive aggressive behavior though.

 

Her drinking does not help matters since that is a depressant.

 

You are correct in that she should see someone, and also correct that she would never listen to reason. There's no way to even bring it up with her without her getting defensive.

 

I hate that our marriage is coming to an end, but 8 months of this has just wore me out.