luverly Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 If you are in a relationship and you make more money, are you bitter about paying more for everything? For example, if you go into it saying you'll split everything 50/50 and it doesn't work out that way is that cause for break up? I was just thinking about this because in my last relationship we always fought about how he paid more for everything. I intended to go in on half, but I could never find a job that paid well and I got laid off twice in one year. He said that I lied to him that I could pay and he felt taken advantage of. Was he petty or valid?
Geishawhelk Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 M partner is a Full-time student, and has been for 3 years. My earnings have supported us throughout, apart from the times that he has worked in holiday jobs. During which time, as he is a student and can therefore earn a specific maximum sum before being taxed, actually pro-rata, earned more than I did per month.....! He is due to graduate in June in 2009, and has already been head-hunted by educational bodies (he's studying law and wishes to become a Law lecturer) so it will all even out in the end...... No. I don't mind at all. It's only money. But whoever earns most should pay the bigger share. It stands to reason that things can't always be split completely 50-50.....
jason83 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I've dated girls that make more than me and I've dated girls that make less than me. My last relationship, she had a lot of student loans, etc. to pay off and I made quite a bit more than her...so I paid for the majority of things. That was fine with me, because she always made sure she made up for it with some bedroom time....I never complained!
allina Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 It depends, but I think it can be an issue in a serious relationship if there is a huge gap. A person making 6 figures is going to have a much different lifestyle than someone making minimum wage. When it comes to going on vacation or moving in together the person who makes more has to either pay for everything or they can't go anywhere or get a quality place. I don't think either scenario is fair and they would not be acceptable for me. Personally, I need a man who at least matches me salary wise.
Trialbyfire Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Nothing is right or wrong. If it works for you, then it works. If it doesn't and the other person feels hard done by, then...as you've noticed...there will be issues. My personal preference is that whomever I'm dating, makes a reasonable salary, enough that my lifestyle isn't affected. There's no way I'm ever going to support a man. This is not a PC attitude but hey, everyone has preferences.
prettybaby Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I make more than the guy I'm dating right now. However, he insists on paying for every outing lol (he's such a gentleman ). Should we end up together for good, I can totally see myself cashing out for expensive vacations and such. I really wouldn't mind. Spending money for quality time with the person you love; what better way of spending?
D-Jam Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I don't get bothered if my SO makes more or less than me. I guess I more judge things on "does she have stuff going for herself?" What I mean by that is does she have education and/or career and/or some kind of activities/passions that show she's got a future or something of the sort? I think many men are turned off now by the women who basically floated through life, skipped on college, and it seems they have not interests or goals in life outside of "get married, have kids". I understand those women who do want to be a wife and mother first and foremost in life, but for many men, especially with divorce the way it is now, we tend to worry that these particular women see us as only a wallet and sperm bank. Plus we want to know that she can help carry some of the weight in the family...rather than leave it on us, or worse, divorce us the minute something bad happens. For me personally, I don't need her to be some graduate degree corporate executive making big money or just as much money as I do. I just need to know there is more to her than looking pretty and being good in bed.
roxy_1980 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I think it all depends on the circumstances. There are plenty of hard working people out there that for one reason or another never had the opportunities that I did with respect to education, job advancement, etc. Shouldering some more of the expenses for their company would be acceptable. Others, well, just don't try very hard. Don't care about making a living and want others to foot the bill. This is not acceptable.
Author luverly Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 In the question I was referring more to someone who did work full-time and was in school. To me that seems acceptable.
Walk Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I think it depends on the character of the person. For example, my exH was out of work a few times (ok, several) while I was with him (over 10 years). While out of work, he didn't pick up the slack around the house. He had all this free time and he still acted as though he was working full time. He could've put a little effort into making my life easier since I was paying for everything and he had all day to do what he wanted. It made me really resentful. It was like he got these long vacations to do whatever he wanted, while I paid for him to play. My H is a different story. Any time he's been laid off from work, he'll put in extra around the house and do extra things to show his appreciation for me. Like, he'll make me breakfast before I go to work, pack my lunch, do errands I would normally do. He's not the greatest on cleaning, but he makes sure the dishes are done and stuff isn't laying around. That makes a huge difference. I think it comes down to who the person is. If you fall into the self pity, woe is me, type of attitude when you're out of work and you're more focused on yourself then your partner (who is paying all the bills) then it can create a great deal of resentment. If you're using the free time from loss of work to enrich your partners life, make it easier, then there isn't any room for the resentment to grow. Some people have had others use them in the past, and even if you were a saint while out of work, the partner would still have resentment issues with it. The anger at being taken advantage of would still be there in the background waiting for any situation that was somewhat similiar for it to come out again. So you may not have done anything wrong, and it's simply a case that he was already damaged by others. At that point, evaluate your actions and if you believe you acted honorably, then let the situation go. If not, then strive to be a better person in the future.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 When I was with my ex, I paid for the majority of things. Well basically I paid for everything. I have a little resentment towards him since he was unemployed at the time, so I did feel a little used.
Author luverly Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 To the poster that said it could have been past issues... I think that was really it, he was taken advantage of by an ex-wife that stole all his money and didn't work for years. So, even though I worked full-time and was starting school back up in the summer (while still working full-time) he felt resentful that he had to pay more. I made $850 a month and he made $2000, but he was mad that sometimes I couldn't pay $500 for the rent and he had to cover the bills, pay for my car to be fixed, etc.. I did however cook every night, buy most of the groceries, run all of the errands, take care of the dogs and clean the house. Even though I worked I did all of that because I felt like since he paid more that I should make his life easier. He would have rather me paid half and done it himself. I think that was a bit delusional as he was depressed and always too tired to ever clean or cook. He said that stuff was all nice and sweet, but he was angry that I lied to him because going into the situation I had told him I would cover my half. I tried, I really did....but I couldn't find a job that paid more than $11 an hour. I didn't lie, it was what I wanted to do, but life doesn't always work the way we would hope. The relationship just ended so I guess I am trying to gain some perspective on what the hell happened. I know what the other reasons were for breaking up, but this just seemed like it was only his baggage over his ex using him.
Walk Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I think that was really it, he was taken advantage of by an ex-wife that stole all his money and didn't work for years. So, even though I worked full-time and was starting school back up in the summer (while still working full-time) he felt resentful that he had to pay more. I made $850 a month and he made $2000, but he was mad that sometimes I couldn't pay $500 for the rent and he had to cover the bills, pay for my car to be fixed, etc.. I did however cook every night, buy most of the groceries, run all of the errands, take care of the dogs and clean the house. You definitely weren't lazy, or using him for his money. You were working twice as hard as he was to give to the relationship... if I were you, I'd chalk it up to his issues and move on. Besides, he wasn't asking you to pay half the bills. He was asking you to pay half of his life style choices. Ie. live like you're making $2000 a month. You don't... and if you were single you wouldn't choose some of the things he did because you know you don't make the money to afford it. It wasn't about equality, it was about life style at that point. You gave everything you had, he gave you half of what he already knew he could afford. If having you pay half the bills was that important to him, then the 2 of you could've moved to a cheaper place, cut your bills down to only the essentials, given up the less necessary expenditures. Instead, he expected you to give a disproportionate amount of your income so that he didn't have to give up his creature comforts.
soserious1 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I paid for everything while I was married,even my own gifts. Also pitched in and did more than my fair share of the housework.. in order to prove that I wasn't caught up in being entitled to being exempt from housework simply because I was the sole bread winner. I also bent over backwards to spare his pride, I laid my entire pay envelope next to his dinner plate.He never had to ask me for money.If I wanted or needed anything,those monies came from my side work/ consultant income. Over time it felt worse and worse.. particularly once our sex life slowed and then stopped. I felt like a trick, a john. Anytime I felt at all good about anything a little voice inside me would whisper "You're so old and so ugly,you can't get laid even when you're paying to support a guy"
xpaperxcutx Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I paid for everything while I was married,even my own gifts. Also pitched in and did more than my fair share of the housework.. in order to prove that I wasn't caught up in being entitled to being exempt from housework simply because I was the sole bread winner. I also bent over backwards to spare his pride, I laid my entire pay envelope next to his dinner plate.He never had to ask me for money.If I wanted or needed anything,those monies came from my side work/ consultant income. Over time it felt worse and worse.. particularly once our sex life slowed and then stopped. I felt like a trick, a john. Anytime I felt at all good about anything a little voice inside me would whisper "You're so old and so ugly,you can't get laid even when you're paying to support a guy" Your exhusband sounds passive aggressive.
EYECANDY000 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 compromise then. I think in the end it ahould be evenly divided. I wouldnt mind paying for events, dinners, etc. But also he has to do the same at some point.
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