He 'accidentally' got back together with me.

[jc]

So I know things are over with my ex, I just need to vent. He broke up with me almost 4 weeks ago after a couple of rocky weeks (nothing too horrible, honestly!).

 

He called me last Thursday and asked me to come over. So I did. We spent the night together and he told me he was sorry, how much he loved me, how he missed me etc. Then the next morning things were awkward. He said he didn't remember most of the previous night, that he had been drinking (although he did not smell like alcohol at all, but thinking back, it does make sense that he was drunk, I thought something was off, but I was just so happy he called that I ignored all my common sense). We talked a little bit about the things that needed to change in our relationship, but not too much. And he couldn't tell me he loved me (even though he had during the night), saying it was "too soon" since he hadn't said it in awhile. He took me shopping for Christmas presents for his family. Then I went away to see my family for 5 days, and he did not contact me at all during that time. I emailed twice and called three times. Finally he sent an email saying he had been "extremely busy at work" and was I just trying to piss him off and maybe we shouldn't have gotten back together.

 

I went over to his place yesterday to finalize things. I knew things were over, I just wanted him to be honest about what had happened. He said he remembered phoning me, but when he woke up the next morning and I was there, he felt horrible and didn't know how to tell me that he didn't actually want to get back together (although this did not stop him from having sex with me in the morning, twice). In his words, he decided to "make the best of a bad situation" and not say anything, but take me shopping and for dinner instead. He couldn't admit that not contacting me for 5 days had anything to do with, maintained that he was so busy at work that he could not find even 5 minutes over 5 days to contact me. A mutual friend told me he had been on facebook during that time however. Somehow he found time for that.

 

He apologized for calling me that Thursday, saying it wasn't fair to me or to him. He still couldn't say that it was over though. He said, "let's see what happens in a couple of months". And I couldn't say it either. I just couldn't face the fact that this was the last time I would be speaking to him, be next to him.

 

He pretty much said that the last two weeks that we were together were too hard and he didn't want to try anymore. He said he wants to be on his own again and not have to fit anyone into his life. He said I make it difficult for him to love me. He said he doesn't know what he is doing, he just knows something needs to change. He said he is not happy, that I do not make him happy anymore. He also said that he hasn't really thought about the break up at all, he's been too busy. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? How can he not have thought about the breakup? We spent 7 months together and talked every day and saw each other several times a week. And yet he says he pretty much hasn't noticed that I've been gone.

 

So now in addition to being completely heartbroken, I feel betrayed and used. I don't understand how someone who loved me so much could treat me this way. Could be so callous and unfeeling.

 

The worst part is, he tried several times to get me to sleep with him before I left. While I was crying my eyes out. He said he just wanted to have sex with me, "one last time", he didn't want the last time to have been in lies. I refused. He then asked me, "well could you just suck me off then?" (sorry for how graphic this is). Obviously, I refused. He then told me that I'd better go then. I feel sick to my stomach writing this. At how little he cares for me that he would treat me like this. The only thing I am happy about is that I did not sleep with him.

 

Why would he do this to me? I just don't understand.

 

I don't know how to get over this and move on. I feel like I could never trust anyone ever again. This is someone who told me that I was the love of his life and that he had been looking for me for so long. A month before we broke up he sent me pictures of engagement rings.

 

I know it's not reasonable, but am I such a horrible person that I deserve this?

[EmperorR]

wow your ex is a piece of scum, even after he broke your heart still wanting sexual favors.

 

And no you don't deserve this, you don't deserve to have someone this deceitful, this vermin in your life. I know all to well how one day soemone is telling you they love you, thinking of the white picket fence house name of children etc., and the next your nothing to them. It's hard but that's how some people are in this world, they change like the night.

 

At Least now you know the real him, go NC and don't look back.

[jc]

Thanks for the reply emperor...I know it was a lot to read.

 

I just still can't believe the whole thing.

 

And I keep making excuses for him in my head, like, "He's having some difficulty letting go to, that's why he wanted to sleep with me".

 

It's just that I KNEW this person. And the person I knew would never have been so hurtful.

 

Maybe the worst part is that he just doesn't seem affected by the break up at all. He said he hasn't even thought about it. Does this not seem odd? I know I shouldn't think things like this, but I hope that it does sink in, even if it takes a few months, and that he does eventually realize what he did.

 

Even if he could just grieve a little bit, a least I wouldn't be completely alone in this.

 

How do I trust anyone ever again? This is the second time I have had my heart broken. And this time I tried so hard to read the signs, look at what he did, not just at what he said.

 

I can't even seem to get out of bed today. I'm lost.

[Hersheys]

Absolute NC on this guy. NOT to make him miss you and want to be with you BUT for you to see things clearer and realize that you've been wasting time and emotions on a jerk.

 

Always think of the moment when he was trying to sleep with you and asked you to suck him off as a REMINDER that you are not a losing a good thing.

[malibustacydoll]

This guy definitely is using you. He knows you miss him and love him and that you're vulnerable. Clearly he is taking advantage of that. You really need to go NC. Let him realize that you're not there to just be his booty call. If he really loves you then maybe he will come around someday but obviously not now.

[tikster]

omg! that is exactly what my ex did to me at a christmas party last year. i don't have the best advice, but i completely understand your disbelief. how does anyone treat anyone like that? seriously. in all honesty, after that setback i did go back and forth with my ex even though this guy ruined my life and i'm not kidding. because of him i believe in toxic people. after going another round with him last summer and finding out that besides being with me and telling me he loves me, again, he is out looking to date other people and even calling someone else his gf. i cussed him out like no other and cut him out of my life and i must say that i have never been happier with my life.

 

when he was in my life i was depressed and took my family and friends for granted. i let his actions determine my self worth, but now that he's gone, i've righted my wrongs and i am soo much happier and i don't even think about him or get jealous when i hear about his activities.

 

so after this long post, i just want to say that i was in your shoes not too long ago and i know how hard it is to let someone you cared about go. people like this are only out for themselves and will continuously lie and hurt you, no matter how hard you try to convince them to love you. so please, for your well being, get him out of your life.

[EmperorR]

Thanks for the reply emperor...I know it was a lot to read.

 

I just still can't believe the whole thing.

 

And I keep making excuses for him in my head, like, "He's having some difficulty letting go to, that's why he wanted to sleep with me".

 

It's just that I KNEW this person. And the person I knew would never have been so hurtful.

 

Maybe the worst part is that he just doesn't seem affected by the break up at all. He said he hasn't even thought about it. Does this not seem odd? I know I shouldn't think things like this, but I hope that it does sink in, even if it takes a few months, and that he does eventually realize what he did.

 

Even if he could just grieve a little bit, a least I wouldn't be completely alone in this.

 

How do I trust anyone ever again? This is the second time I have had my heart broken. And this time I tried so hard to read the signs, look at what he did, not just at what he said.

 

I can't even seem to get out of bed today. I'm lost.

 

 

The person you knew is dead gone vanish, and he doesn't feel affected by the breakup because he was probably detaching months ago, so when he was finally ready poof, he has no more emotional attachment to you. That's why he can be so mean callous etc. his feelings have diminished over time and now he feels nothing. Sorry, I also wondered the same thing with my ex and that's the realization I came to, detach and put on a act like everything is ok then drop the bomb no need to act nice loving towards you anymore.

 

On the other side, some exes do say mean and hurtful things to push you away.

 

And I know that it is hard letting go off someone you love and cherish, but for your self dignity for yourself you have to. Trusting someone again fully is a hard thing to do. I was cheated on by my ex fiance and dumped, trusting is a hard thing for me to do ever again but i'm working on it. I'd rather take the chance date again love again than be single for the rest of my life scared of my heart being broke again. There are brighter days ahead, the first few weeks/months are the hardest, but soon you'll see it was for the best. I gurantee you don't want to marry or spend your life with someone who treated you like that am I right?

[jc]

The person you knew is dead gone vanish, and he doesn't feel affected by the breakup because he was probably detaching months ago, so when he was finally ready poof, he has no more emotional attachment to you. That's why he can be so mean callous etc. his feelings have diminished over time and now he feels nothing. Sorry, I also wondered the same thing with my ex and that's the realization I came to, detach and put on a act like everything is ok then drop the bomb no need to act nice loving towards you anymore.

 

 

I knew that something was 'off' the last couple of weeks that we were dating, but he was being himself before that. I think he was detaching during those couple of weeks. But I honestly still don't think he has felt all that upset about the whole thing. He couldn't even communicate with me about anything that was upsetting him. The last week that we were together, he just stopped phoning and then made plans one night and didn't show up.

 

Interestingly enough, 5 days after breaking up with me (during which he claims he did not think about the break up AT ALL), he was lying in bed and felt like half his body was in 'pins and needles'. He thought he was having a stroke, so he went to the hospital. They told him that he had no clinical signs whatsoever of a stroke. He is 28 and healthy. He also suffers from some anxiety. I honestly think that rather than be emotionally upset over the break up, he's expressing it physically, in a form of somatization. So rather than thinking about the break up for the next week or so, he told me that he was focusing on his health.

 

Talk about emotionally unavailable.

[jc]

omg! that is exactly what my ex did to me at a christmas party last year. i don't have the best advice, but i completely understand your disbelief. how does anyone treat anyone like that? seriously. in all honesty, after that setback i did go back and forth with my ex even though this guy ruined my life and i'm not kidding. because of him i believe in toxic people. after going another round with him last summer and finding out that besides being with me and telling me he loves me, again, he is out looking to date other people and even calling someone else his gf. i cussed him out like no other and cut him out of my life and i must say that i have never been happier with my life.

.

 

This sounds pretty similar to my last relationship (before the current break up). We did the back and forth thing for almost 3 years. Longer than the time that we were actually together as a couple (2 years). It was the most toxic behavior I have ever engaged in. I actually ended up going to counselling to finally be able to tell him to never call me again.

 

I'm not going through this again. I already deleted my ex's phone numbers, all emails, as well as his email address. I removed him and his sister as friends on facebook and deactivated my account for the time-being.

 

Part of what is so upsetting to me is that I did a lot of internal work to get over my last ex, and here I am, in a similar situation. I somehow need to change the type of guy that I am attracted to.

[Citizen Erased]

My guess is that he just wanted to get off and he knew you love him and care about him so he thought why the hell not.

 

Be furious with him but don't allow him to do this to you again. Don't take his calls and do not sleep with him again. Your relationship took its last breath when he asked you to suck him off when you were clearly upset and in pain. What an arse.

 

I'm sorry this happened, you don't deserve it. Hopefully you will learn from this and move on when the pain is not so fresh. This place could help with that.

[Star Gazer]

One thing's for certain: He's a Class-A Jerkface.

[Citizen Erased]

One thing's for certain: He's a Class-A Jerkface.

 

Agreed. I'd probably use a few stronger words though...

[SoleMate]

The worst part is, he tried several times to get me to sleep with him before I left. While I was crying my eyes out. He said he just wanted to have sex with me, "one last time", he didn't want the last time to have been in lies. I refused. He then asked me, "well could you just suck me off then?" ....I refused. He told me that I'd better go then.

Unbelievable. I try not to use words like "scum" to refer to my fellow human beings, but I'm coming up short on other ideas. "Did not want our last sex act to be marred by lies....so let's redo right now and then you can skiddooo...." YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!

 

Please remember, it's not YOU that's horrible, it's HIM! The thing you need to do to prevent this in the future is to use your backbone and your natural caution a bit more. Don't sleep with someone who has not yet PROVED that he will treat you right.

[You'reasian]

Sorry to hear about this.

 

Sometimes its better to be alone and a good person than with the company of those who play games. Why waste time with someone whose just out to fool you?

 

At the same time, why try to get with a good person if all you've ever gone after are bad guys? Do you need guys to be mean and create drama to respect them or is it that there wild tendencies make them more exciting than your average, stay-at home type?

[jc]

At the same time, why try to get with a good person if all you've ever gone after are bad guys? Do you need guys to be mean and create drama to respect them or is it that there wild tendencies make them more exciting than your average, stay-at home type?

 

I'm not really sure what you mean here...Why try to get with a good person? Because I want to have a loving, secure relationship. I thought that this is what I had with this person. We were together for 7 months and in that time (apart from the last couple of weeks when he started to disengage), he called when he said he would, he showed up, he made plans and followed through. All in all, the relationship was pretty good. It's the break up that's been really bad. There were a few things of course, for example, he was sometimes critical of my appearance and he is easily irritated. But we were both faithful, we did not lie or cheat or call each other names. The most exciting thing was finding someone who I was physically and emotionally connected to and that that person felt the same. We were a pretty average, stay-at-home couple most of the time:)

 

I don't think that I need guys to be mean and create drama to respect them. This person was not mean in the relationship. He was good to me. He helped me around my house, he took me on trips, he supported me when I was stressed with work.

 

For some reason, all of that changed. He pretty much shut down, stopped communicating, stopped calling. He was sick for 3 weeks with a sinus infection and pretty much did not leave his apartment. Stayed home and slept and watched tv and went on the computer.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that this was a pretty stable relationship up until now. My friends and family thought the same, they did not see any signs that he would do this.

 

But in the end, he did end things, and he did it badly. So that is something I'd like to change. I'd like to avoid someone who could act like this in the future.