Knight_Ctrl Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Aright guys, anyone reading this has probably read my other post but I'll give you the short version. I was drunk yesterday and wrote my ex a note telling her how I've tried to go about getting over her and how much I still miss her. Then at the end I asked her to consider leaving the guy shes with now if she'd be willing to just spend some time with me to see how she felt. Her leaving this other guy is required because I am unable to be the fun easy going guy I was when I know shes with someone else. But at this point I can deal with knowing I'm not dating her. So today we talked on the phone and she explained the problems she had with me while we dated, pretty much she felt I was to negative and critical about a lot of stuff to often. I told her I knew that was bothering her and just when I was starting to work on it and she was helping change me she left me for this douche bag ex friend of mine. I told her since the breakup I've had lots of time to think about what I've done and what my issues were and sort of worked them out. And I feel like now I'm a better person. I'm still sticking with my proposal to her from yesterday, I'm asking her to leave the guy shes with NOT just because I don't want her with him (though thats part of it obviously), but because if I knew that we were all on equal ground I would be able to show how great of a person I really am, unclouded by emotions. I'd be the same guy she fell in love with, only I've worked out these problems I have. If she comes back and says not gonna happen I wont do it. Then I'll have no other choice but to move on. But for now I have an option. As it stands we both still care enough to talk about these things. I told her I wasn't going to ask her for her decision so she has time to think about it. I'm going to continue to try and move on so I'm not destroyed if she comes back with a negative answer. But I did tell her I'd probably still call just to shoot the **** and see how things are going. I'm in a place now where I think I'm able to start making things right regardless of her choice. Even though I'd obviously still like a shot to show who I really am. I feel pretty good about this, even if the answer comes back negative. Lets hope for the best though.
Author Knight_Ctrl Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 I don't think I have anything to lose man, I can either only gain or come back to where I'm at now. And at the end of the day I'd like to feel like I tried.
kizik Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Knight, people who actually love you, care about you and want to be with you do not ask you to change. Nor do they mess with your head, reject you, criticize you, and hurt you. It's very sad for me to see you blaming yourself for all of this. No. This is not about you. It's about her dissatisfaction with you for whatever her own reasons are. One day you will realize that you are just fine as you are. That love is not conditional. It doesn't go away because of a few annoying things you did. One day, you will realize that you don't need to play anyone's game. One day you will grow up and look back on this person that you are now, and laugh at yourself. You will feel so foolish for not caring about yourself, your own needs, more.
northstar1 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Aright guys, anyone reading this has probably read my other post but I'll give you the short version. I was drunk yesterday and wrote my ex a note telling her how I've tried to go about getting over her and how much I still miss her. Then at the end I asked her to consider leaving the guy shes with now if she'd be willing to just spend some time with me to see how she felt. Her leaving this other guy is required because I am unable to be the fun easy going guy I was when I know shes with someone else. But at this point I can deal with knowing I'm not dating her. So today we talked on the phone and she explained the problems she had with me while we dated, pretty much she felt I was to negative and critical about a lot of stuff to often. I told her I knew that was bothering her and just when I was starting to work on it and she was helping change me she left me for this douche bag ex friend of mine. I told her since the breakup I've had lots of time to think about what I've done and what my issues were and sort of worked them out. And I feel like now I'm a better person. I'm still sticking with my proposal to her from yesterday, I'm asking her to leave the guy shes with NOT just because I don't want her with him (though thats part of it obviously), but because if I knew that we were all on equal ground I would be able to show how great of a person I really am, unclouded by emotions. I'd be the same guy she fell in love with, only I've worked out these problems I have. If she comes back and says not gonna happen I wont do it. Then I'll have no other choice but to move on. But for now I have an option. As it stands we both still care enough to talk about these things. I told her I wasn't going to ask her for her decision so she has time to think about it. I'm going to continue to try and move on so I'm not destroyed if she comes back with a negative answer. But I did tell her I'd probably still call just to shoot the **** and see how things are going. I'm in a place now where I think I'm able to start making things right regardless of her choice. Even though I'd obviously still like a shot to show who I really am. I feel pretty good about this, even if the answer comes back negative. Lets hope for the best though. Sadly dude, you can't force/conjure/convince someone to come back to you - it has to be through their own volition. You're putting everything in her court, so she doesn't even have to serve back to you, she can just keep doing what she's doing. She can keep dating this guy, but she'll know that you are still around as well..............and that's not what you want my man. You need to give her time to see life without you...........that includes NOT telling her to leave the guy she's with (this looks desperate) and NOT contacting her to see how things are 'going'. That's what 'friends' do, they call to see how things are going, and I don't think you want to be 'friends'. Stop fanning the flames here man, just back off, go NC. Heal yourself.........if she decides she wants to try things again, let her make a move......on her own.
BikerBeagle Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I don't think I have anything to lose man...except for your self-respect. She left you for another guy. What part of those 5 words do you not understand? She made a choice and it wasn't you. That whole "asking her to leave the guy she's with" is manipulative, sad, desperate, and pathetic on a level I can't even begin to explain to you. It's not like you would listen any ways ...
Author Knight_Ctrl Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 all im doing is asking for the chance I wanted when we broke up. since she has had her time away from me and everyone I've talked to about this says that she wasn't ready to go out with this other guy. She said she still cares for me and loves me...although the BS flag could be thrown on this. If her and I still care enough to try and make something happen out of this then its gotta be worth giving it a try. I was just asking her to give me that try. If she calls and says its not going to happen, then ok I have nothing left to hold on to, where right now I've been shown I do. We had a connection the other day when she came to pick up that note I wrote her, we held hands guys and we both knew something was there. I haven't changed for her, I continued to change after we broke up because I realized a lot of the **** I made a big deal about while we were dating wasn't all that important. I hadn't expected to start talking to her, I changed for me guys. Even if we don't get back my perspective on these things I've changed about myself are going to stay the same, its all part of growing up. People change and get better, thats all I'm doing, for me, for her or for whoever I end up with down the road. Yes I am putting the ball in her court. IF she wants things to happen (And she is obviously considering it since she hasn't shot me down) she has to make a move, she knows where I stand its time for her to figure out where she stands.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Damn, some of my evilness must've rubbed off on bikerbeagle. I haven't seen anyone be so upfront brutally honest since me in my last topic. In all seriousness, knight, just because she hasn't shot you down doesn't mean a damn thing. She may be contemplating how to let you down easy or she may be telling herself she hurt you enough, and now she just needs to is confused and trying to find out how to not hurt you more. Look man it sucks so bad that you lost the girl you had so many memories with. I'm in that boat too man I lost the girl I loved more than my own life. I would've taken a bullet for her. I know how bad it hurts man I am here hurting with you RIGHT NOW. Listen-- this girl isn't worth it. Do you not ****ing comprehend the fact she is with some other guy? WHO WAS ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS???? Seriously man why would you WANT a girl like that? WHO CARES WHAT HER REASONS WERE FOR DOING WHAT SHE DID. SHE STILL CHOSE TO DO IT. You should've just flipped out on her and told her shes a horrible person. At least then you would've been on the right track. Now you're just chasing ghosts. The ghost of a PSYCHOPATH no less. Wake the HELL UP
saturnfell Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Hi Knight CTRL, I know the pain you're feeling right now is overwhelming, but you should think about what each of these people posting are telling you. You shouldn't have to ask for a second chance. Please understand, if she wanted a second chance, she should be the one asking you for it, finding you. When I first joined this site, there was a post that read something to the effect of "if they truly want you, they will find you hell or high water" I cried for days after reading this knowing that people who were close to me didn't try at all and blamed myself for having been so foolish. Honestly, the statement is true. If someone wants you badly enough, if they miss you enough and need to contact you for whatever the reason may be... they will do it. If you want to write down your feelings and everything you wish you could say, that's great. But please, don't send it. Use it as a personal exercise for yourself. Right now you're focusing your attention in such a way that you can't think or or see anything else. There's so much you could be doing right now to help yourself. Come here and post when your mind starts racing. Don't drink your thoughts away, you need to take them straight on. In order to make a move in the right direction, you need to be able to sit down and think with sound mind. Consider yourself a piece in the game of Chess. Where do you want to go from here? Let me know if I can help further.
jc Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Maybe it's not the best idea since she is with someone else already.... But at least you are willing to be honest and put yourself out there. I know that this is not a popular position on this forum, but if you need to put it out there, even just to get some closure, I don't think it's such a horrible thing. In my opinion, you try ONCE to talk to the person, to fix things, if that's what you feel you need to do. And then if they don't respond, or say no, etc., then you have the information you need to move on. And you don't contact them anymore and you move on. And if they say yes, then you try to make it work (even though it doesn't seem to work all that often). I don't really care all that much for the whole "put up a brave front" position. Of course you should respect and care for yourself first, but is it really so horrible to make yourself vulnerable to someone you love, even if they don't want to be with you anymore? It just means that you really deeply cared, that you are human. And if they judge you as being 'weak' for showing how much you care, then that has more to do with them, their perception, their reality, their fear. When I had an ex say that he still loved me, etc., even though I didn't want to be with him anymore, I did not respect him any less or pity him or look down on him. In the end, you can read all the advice you want from this forum but you have to follow your own heart.
jc Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 But I should say that I am saying what I've said with the knowledge that second chances don't seem to work out that often. I used to have a break up book (I gave all my break up books away, so absolutely sure that I would not need them anymore, look how that has turned out) that said something along the lines of: "It's called a break up because it's broken". And even though I wish it otherwise, I don't think you can actually fix a broken relationship most of the time.
Author Knight_Ctrl Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 But I should say that I am saying what I've said with the knowledge that second chances don't seem to work out that often. I used to have a break up book (I gave all my break up books away, so absolutely sure that I would not need them anymore, look how that has turned out) that said something along the lines of: "It's called a break up because it's broken". And even though I wish it otherwise, I don't think you can actually fix a broken relationship most of the time. I really appreciate all of the feedback, but I think she genuinely broke up with me out of confusion. We still deeply care for each other, and I feel like this other guy is just a convent rebound. She fell in love with me for one reason, and given the opportunity to show her my issues have been straightened out and I'm the same fun dude I've always been I know we can fall back in love with each other fully, its just the hope that she'll feel like its worth trying to save. If not, then **** it I tried and I've got other better things to do than dangle around and call her a month later and try this process over again.
saturnfell Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Maybe it's not the best idea since she is with someone else already.... But at least you are willing to be honest and put yourself out there. I know that this is not a popular position on this forum, but if you need to put it out there, even just to get some closure, I don't think it's such a horrible thing. In my opinion, you try ONCE to talk to the person, to fix things, if that's what you feel you need to do. And then if they don't respond, or say no, etc., then you have the information you need to move on. And you don't contact them anymore and you move on. And if they say yes, then you try to make it work (even though it doesn't seem to work all that often). I don't really care all that much for the whole "put up a brave front" position. Of course you should respect and care for yourself first, but is it really so horrible to make yourself vulnerable to someone you love, even if they don't want to be with you anymore? It just means that you really deeply cared, that you are human. And if they judge you as being 'weak' for showing how much you care, then that has more to do with them, their perception, their reality, their fear. When I had an ex say that he still loved me, etc., even though I didn't want to be with him anymore, I did not respect him any less or pity him or look down on him. In the end, you can read all the advice you want from this forum but you have to follow your own heart. It's not a popular stand to take in contacting someone again, you're correct. However, I do agree that if you truly love someone you should be able to talk, but ONCE. Sometimes people go to the ultimate extremes, talking, waiting a few days, talking again and having the same conversations. All that does is make a bad situation worse. There really is no way to put in stone what someone should or should not do, we all follow our own hearts while we listen to others. Personally, any of those second chance conversations should happen in person. No letters, etc leaving the forum open. It's a discussion that if it's going to happen should happen, find a conclusion, and have the result go from that point whether good or bad. I will say, I also have had someone tell me they loved me after the fact, and I did not be little them or lose respect for them. If anything, it opened my eyes and allowed me to appreciate that person and understand what unconditional love really is.
saturnfell Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I really appreciate all of the feedback, but I think she genuinely broke up with me out of confusion. We still deeply care for each other, and I feel like this other guy is just a convent rebound. She fell in love with me for one reason, and given the opportunity to show her my issues have been straightened out and I'm the same fun dude I've always been I know we can fall back in love with each other fully, its just the hope that she'll feel like its worth trying to save. If not, then **** it I tried and I've got other better things to do than dangle around and call her a month later and try this process over again. Ok, and if she cares for you enough, she will find you. She will enter back into your life. This doesn't mean you need to be waiting and she most certainly doesn't need to know you're waiting. Live your life. If and when the time is right, she will be back. Please, trust me. Does anyone agree?
Author Knight_Ctrl Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 Ok, and if she cares for you enough, she will find you. She will enter back into your life. This doesn't mean you need to be waiting and she most certainly doesn't need to know you're waiting. Live your life. If and when the time is right, she will be back. Please, trust me. Does anyone agree? I'm not waiting for her at all, I'm going to assume the worst and continue to do what I've been doing. Playing video games, hanging out with friends, going out, flirting with other girls. I even have a new lady friend. Were by no means dating as I refuse to even attempt a relationship right now, but were really great friends we talk every day on the phone and we go out occasionally. I don't want you all to think I'm desperately hanging on every day hoping she comes back. I threw the option out there, if she takes it great. If not then I can keep moving forward, I'm not going to contact her about it, I told her when she is ready for an answer that she can get a hold of me. Till then I'll just keep on truckin along.
northstar1 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I really appreciate all of the feedback, but I think she genuinely broke up with me out of confusion. We still deeply care for each other, and I feel like this other guy is just a convent rebound. She fell in love with me for one reason, and given the opportunity to show her my issues have been straightened out and I'm the same fun dude I've always been I know we can fall back in love with each other fully, its just the hope that she'll feel like its worth trying to save. If not, then **** it I tried and I've got other better things to do than dangle around and call her a month later and try this process over again. Okay, fair enough, she's confused. Then let her figure out her confusion on her own. That means you walking away, and not being in her life at all, no calls, letters, - nothing. Let her see life without you, and if she truly misses you and wants to reconnect, she will do it. Walking away from from someone you love is one of the hardest things to do..........but if she wants you........she'll follow. If not, you'll already be on your own path.
Joker77 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Knight, You are doing what I did a few weeks ago after my break up. You are trying to find justifiable reasons why she left you so you can rationalize everything. It's normal. Just don't call her again. The little bit of power you did have before you contacted her, you have just lost. It's like everyone else on here has said......if she wants you back bad enough, nothing will stop her from contacting you. In the meantime, you need to work on YOU and YOU alone. Now is your time. Not hers. Work on yourself man. It could take months before you hear from her. You might not ever hear from her, but at least in the meantime you are improving yourself and someone else will come along and appreciate YOU for YOU.
kizik Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Knight, You are doing what I did a few weeks ago after my break up. You are trying to find justifiable reasons why she left you so you can rationalize everything. It's normal. Just don't call her again. The little bit of power you did have before you contacted her, you have just lost. It's like everyone else on here has said......if she wants you back bad enough, nothing will stop her from contacting you. In the meantime, you need to work on YOU and YOU alone. Now is your time. Not hers. Work on yourself man. It could take months before you hear from her. You might not ever hear from her, but at least in the meantime you are improving yourself and someone else will come along and appreciate YOU for YOU. Knight, the Joker speaks the truth, and it is the hardest thing to hear and to believe, because you still love her and want her back like nothing else in your life. I want you to know that I feel deeply for you - I was where you are now, 7-8 months ago myself. And I made it. But I made it by putting myself and my life and priorities first (like Joker says) and respecting myself once and for all. At a certain point, you have to realize that you deserve better treatment than what you're getting. And that you will never be respected and treated well by your ex. But someone else out there does have the capacity to be honest, kind, empathic, dependable, polite, concerned, humorous, and all of the good qualities you desire. What you need to understand is: your ex is not that person.
Author Knight_Ctrl Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Knight, You are doing what I did a few weeks ago after my break up. You are trying to find justifiable reasons why she left you so you can rationalize everything. It's normal. Just don't call her again. The little bit of power you did have before you contacted her, you have just lost. It's like everyone else on here has said......if she wants you back bad enough, nothing will stop her from contacting you. In the meantime, you need to work on YOU and YOU alone. Now is your time. Not hers. Work on yourself man. It could take months before you hear from her. You might not ever hear from her, but at least in the meantime you are improving yourself and someone else will come along and appreciate YOU for YOU. Hey man, I really appreciate those words. I know at this point I can't just go back and be like "lol j/k" I don't at all regret what I did, she knows where I stand now and knows what she can do if she wants to make this work. And like you said in the meantime I am going to just concentrate on myself, because its only going to increase my chances of succeeding in every category. Related to her or now, my damn ankle needs to be not broke so I can start working out again, that was really good for me and now I can't do it and it is incredibly irritating. I also know though that I will get to the point where I don't care anymore, if decisions are made after that...well shes out of luck. I just wanted to tell her whats going on now and how we could possibly fix these things.
saturnfell Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Okay, fair enough, she's confused. Then let her figure out her confusion on her own. That means you walking away, and not being in her life at all, no calls, letters, - nothing. Let her see life without you, and if she truly misses you and wants to reconnect, she will do it. Walking away from from someone you love is one of the hardest things to do..........but if she wants you........she'll follow. If not, you'll already be on your own path. I agree with you, Joker and Kizik. No more contact. She will come to your if she feels it's right to do. This is in your best interest. You will eventually see that, you just need to stop the contact first. It gets easier.
Joker77 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Hey man, I really appreciate those words. I know at this point I can't just go back and be like "lol j/k" I don't at all regret what I did, she knows where I stand now and knows what she can do if she wants to make this work. And like you said in the meantime I am going to just concentrate on myself, because its only going to increase my chances of succeeding in every category. Related to her or now, my damn ankle needs to be not broke so I can start working out again, that was really good for me and now I can't do it and it is incredibly irritating. I also know though that I will get to the point where I don't care anymore, if decisions are made after that...well shes out of luck. I just wanted to tell her whats going on now and how we could possibly fix these things. You will get through it bro. I wanted like hell to call my ex yesterday to wish her and her daughter a merry christmas. I wanted to buy her daughter a present for christmas. As bad as I wanted to do those things, I also knew they were counterproductive for the healing process. Plus she dumped me for reasons known to herself. I'm not going to change just to please her. I did everything humanly possible for this girl which included having her daughter come with us on our first date because she couldn't find a sitter. I didn't care, that's how bad I wanted to go out with her and I thought in my own stupid way it would earn some respect from her. Apparently including her daughter in everything and the fact that her daughter loved me must have gotten old or maybe she got jealous. I have no clue. At this point, I don't care and neither should you. Do things for yourself, not her. There is someone out there who will appreciate everything that you do and everything that you are.
Author Knight_Ctrl Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 You will get through it bro. I wanted like hell to call my ex yesterday to wish her and her daughter a merry christmas. I wanted to buy her daughter a present for christmas. As bad as I wanted to do those things, I also knew they were counterproductive for the healing process. Plus she dumped me for reasons known to herself. I'm not going to change just to please her. I did everything humanly possible for this girl which included having her daughter come with us on our first date because she couldn't find a sitter. I didn't care, that's how bad I wanted to go out with her and I thought in my own stupid way it would earn some respect from her. Apparently including her daughter in everything and the fact that her daughter loved me must have gotten old or maybe she got jealous. I have no clue. At this point, I don't care and neither should you. Do things for yourself, not her. There is someone out there who will appreciate everything that you do and everything that you are. I just thought I'd mention to though. These things that I've changed about myself. They aren't things like maybe I quit playing video games because she wanted me to or **** like that. They were things like me making a big deal about stuff that isn't a big deal. Examples, children use to piss me off constantly and I saw no reason not to bitch about it.....all the time. Yes I can see how that could get old for her; there was no reason it should've pissed me off so bad in the first place. I also use to be totally against marriage, but looking back I think all I was trying to do was go against the grain because I thought it was "cool". Would I be willing to get married to the right person if I knew I truly and deeply loved them? Absolutely, but by the time I had figured all of this out it was too late. These are little stupid things that I could have just not made a big deal about and avoided this situation, now I'm paying the consequences. I just want her to see that I have changed and I have. Not changed for her, just changed for me. And I need this second chance to show I'm a better person now....but even if I don't get this second chance, I know I'd still be a better person because of these things I figured out.
kizik Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I'm not going to change just to please her. I remember that feeling of trying to change myself for someone else. It goes against your very nature like someone is crushing your bones. It's an awful feeling. Sometimes when I want someone else to change something, I think about how she berated me, and I shut my f*cking mouth and don't say sh*t to my annoying friend. Apparently including her daughter in everything and the fact that her daughter loved me must have gotten old or maybe she got jealous. I have no clue. All I can tell you is that sane, awesome women actually appreciate the sacrifices you make for them.
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