Dexter Morgan Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I cannot even describe how gut wrenching that was. I wrote it all out and asked him to listen to it all to the end before responding. He agreed. After I was done he just sat there and did not say anthing for what seemed an eternity. He asked to have the note, so I gave it to him. Then he said that he had to leave for a while. A few hours later he returned. He asked if I was afraid that I was going to the OM house. I said yes, that I was concerned because I want to focus on us and not worry about how this is affecting OM. He asked if I called the OM and told him that I confessed and that he had left. I told him no. He asked to check my call records on my phone, and I let him. I know that I deserve not to be trusted. Thank God that I had not called him. That really established a little trust back for me. I know that this could be a long hard road, but I really think that we will make it. Thanks for all your advice and thoughts. Honestly, I don't think that I would have gotten this far without this forum. so now the question is, when are you going to start looking for another job?
vnqsh2001 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I cannot even describe how gut wrenching that was. I wrote it all out and asked him to listen to it all to the end before responding. He agreed. After I was done he just sat there and did not say anthing for what seemed an eternity. He asked to have the note, so I gave it to him. Then he said that he had to leave for a while. A few hours later he returned. He asked if I was afraid that I was going to the OM house. I said yes, that I was concerned because I want to focus on us and not worry about how this is affecting OM. He asked if I called the OM and told him that I confessed and that he had left. I told him no. He asked to check my call records on my phone, and I let him. I know that I deserve not to be trusted. Thank God that I had not called him. That really established a little trust back for me. I know that this could be a long hard road, but I really think that we will make it. Thanks for all your advice and thoughts. Honestly, I don't think that I would have gotten this far without this forum. Wow. You've got guts, girl. That took a lot of courage. I hope that your marriage lasts though this upheaval, because you really are a good woman (if all you've said is true). I just hope your husband will be able to see that, though he's probably not able to see much of anything clearly at the moment.
atwitsend Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Hi mandy, I am glad to here that you told your husband. I am sorry that I was so insulting. But at as I have said (and its got me in trouble) before. Sometimes the person posting is in need of a good look in a mirror to jolt them back into reality. I think writing it out worked well for you . Did you tell him absolutely everything? No holding back, not a thing? If you held anything back and he finds out later you will be setting him back to discovery day. Your husband sounds like a wonderful guy. He is going to be going through some rough times here. There are a lot of people here that may be able to help you help him get through this.
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Good luck and I hope you stay strong. Get some counselling in and then see if it's possible to do marriage counselling with your husband.
seibert253 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Bravo Mandy, that took guts. Your journey to recovering your marriage has just begun. Best of luck!
Dexter Morgan Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I just wanted to say congrats on preparing to do the right thing. Your marriage definitely stands a chance now that you are stepping up. I concur and agree with this sentiment. but after telling him, it will be up to her husband to decide if she is worth keeping. But that is the chance she is going to have to take, otherwise there is no marriage.
JustBreathe Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I think what killed my love for my H wasn't so much the affairs themselves, but my H's inability to work on things with me after d-day. He continued to lie. He refused to be an open book to me, refused to give me passwords to his accounts, etc. He left me for 4 months. I was suffering so much and he was as cold as a stone. He did not understand the gravity of his actions. More killing than the actual affairs themselves are any lies, disrespect, lack of remorse, insensitivity, and callousness after the affair. Treat your H with utmost respect and kindness and help him to trust you again if you want to keep what you have with him. Do whatever it takes to help him deal with this. You have no privacy at this time; honor that. Understand his anger and take your lumps. If he leaves for a time, accept it with grace and love. Quit your job - no compromise on that one. You have cast him into a hell he will spend many years recovering from. You have to own what you did completely.
travelgirl Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I think what killed my love for my H wasn't so much the affairs themselves, but my H's inability to work on things with me after d-day. He continued to lie. He refused to be an open book to me, refused to give me passwords to his accounts, etc. He left me for 4 months. I was suffering so much and he was as cold as a stone. He did not understand the gravity of his actions. More killing than the actual affairs themselves are any lies, disrespect, lack of remorse, insensitivity, and callousness after the affair. Treat your H with utmost respect and kindness and help him to trust you again if you want to keep what you have with him. Do whatever it takes to help him deal with this. You have no privacy at this time; honor that. Understand his anger and take your lumps. If he leaves for a time, accept it with grace and love. Quit your job - no compromise on that one. You have cast him into a hell he will spend many years recovering from. You have to own what you did completely. I agree 100%. It wasn't the EA that bothered me so much but the disceit, not coming forward, and the first month afterwards where he was in a fog. Those days haunt me more then anything. The fact that YOU came forward and told him is a HUGE step. Just stay on course, be honest even if it is something you don't think he wants to hear and quit that job of yours!
Author mandydarling Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Things are better than I could imagine. I know that my husband is upset, but he is handling it very well. I cannot quit my job in the current economy. My husband realizes that too. I send him an email about every hour of the day letting him know that I am thinking about him. Sometimes it is easy, and sometimes it is hard. I just keep reminding myself that i am affecting more people than just myself with my actions. One day (sometimes hour) at a time. And, for the person who made the comment about the OM instigating the affair, it was actually driven more by me. Again, I have never been like this before, so it all was a complete suprise to me.
JustBreathe Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 ... oh yeah.. I remember that phase... the calm before the storm... In your letter, did you write about how you gave your boss blow jobs at work at least 10 times? If so, then his being understanding about your keeping your present job makes him an incredibly resilient person.
seibert253 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 You really need to seperate yourself from OM. Yeah the economy is bad, and good jobs are hard to find, but is keeping your job worth the love of your husband. Temptation sneaks up on you when you're at your weakest. I know this all too well. Mandy you've come too far to end up back at square one. I don't know much about your husband but I can tell you this, if I were him, keeping your job would not even be an option.
atwitsend Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I am glad to here you working on your marriage. Your husband must love you very much. You will have to be careful in the future. Some women have affairs when things in their marriage are going bad. Sometimes they have affairs because things are going good. Best of luck to you, your husband, and your marriage. We all have a stake in each others marriages.
Owl Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I'd agree that things are in the 'calm before the storm' phase at the moment. I'm also curious if you completely laid the whole truth out in front of him? If so...definite kudos to you. It's the best possible way to recover your marriage. Have the two of you started looking for marriage counseling? You're going to need it...his anger isn't coming out now, but it WILL. If it doesn't...I'd heartily suspect other issues in your marriage. Stay open and honest with him about what you're feeling, answer his questions about the affair, etc... Be ready for when the storm does hit. When the hurt and anger start coming through, be ready to let it wash over you, and let yourself stay calm and ready to deal with it. As far as working with OM...what steps can you take to prevent contact with him at work? This is a SERIOUS, CRITICAL issue. Very, very few marriages are able to recover where contact continues between the WS and the affair partner. It'll be very, very difficult...perhaps impossible...for your H to rebuild his trust in you while you still remain in proximity to OM. At some point, you may have to consider which is more important to the two of you...financial stability, or rebuilding that trust.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Things are better than I could imagine. I know that my husband is upset, but he is handling it very well. I cannot quit my job in the current economy. Nobody is saying to just up and quit your job. You keep your current job UNTIL you find another one to replace it. that may take a while, or it may even be impossible. But it still doesn't mean you get to use it as an excuse to not make the effort. lack of effort in looking for a job equals lack of enthusiasm for your marriage. But something tells me that your current job is more important than your husband and that your husband is simply going to have to put up with you being in the company with your sex buddy. My guess is you won't even try to look for another job. Guess your husband doesn't deserve that consideration.
Author mandydarling Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 So, i am completely committed, still, to not doing anything else. So why am I depressed about it? I am not feeling physically tempted anymore, but I miss the interaction and the way he made me feel. Anyone have any advice about this?
Author mandydarling Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 And, my husband agrees that I should stay at my job. The fact that we stayed relatively under control made his trust of me more than if we had jumped in the sack together. I don't know how many people have been in the situation where both people involved in the affair were genuinely ashamed of it, and genuinely wanted to stop it, and had not taken it "too far." (Please no lectures on what "too far" means, i know what I did was wrong)
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 The affair setting is addictive, the feelings, the intensity of it all. Now it's gone and you miss that dynamtic. Keep busy, focus on you, your friends, family. You have to be pro-active in fighting those thoughts of missing him and those feelings.
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Why can't you leave your job? Or atleast start looking for another one, or ask for a transfer?
Owl Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Have the two of you considered marriage counseling? How do you plan on rebuilding your H's trust and faith with you, given that you're still going to be in a position to see OM everyday at work? As far as what you're missing from the affair...there is a thread over on the OW/OM board by Aquarius Rising...and on that thread, I did a long post on comparing an affair to an addiction. Read that, and see if you feel that it applies to where you're at right now. Bottom line...what's your PLAN for recovering and rebuilding your marriage?
Dexter Morgan Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 So, i am completely committed, still, to not doing anything else. So why am I depressed about it? Because you are a cheater and want to do it with someone other than your husband. I am not feeling physically tempted anymore, but I miss the interaction and the way he made me feel. You can say you aren't physically tempted all you want, but the latter part of that sentence negates the first. That and you are a liar. You already lied about what happened, and to a room of strangers no less. So don't be surprised that any of us would think that you are lying when you say you are physically tempted, OR if you were to say you aren't cheating any longer.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 And, my husband agrees that I should stay at my job. Again, you keep your current job while continuing to look for another one. You don't just up and quit. You leave that job IF you find another one. The fact that we stayed relatively under control made his trust of me more than if we had jumped in the sack together. Sucking your boss off? thats what you call under control? I don't know how many people have been in the situation where both people involved in the affair were genuinely ashamed of it, and genuinely wanted to stop it, and had not taken it "too far." (Please no lectures on what "too far" means, i know what I did was wrong) Uh, you DID take it "too far".
JustBreathe Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 So your husband is okay with you working with the OM even though you gave him at least 10 blow jobs at the office, he doesn't seem to notice that you're still pining over the loss of your affair partner, has bounced back quickly with only a few "bad days" and things are better than ever. Maybe it isn't the calm before the storm. Maybe you didn't tell him all the truth, Mandy. Maybe you downplayed it? I wonder what you left out in that confession letter to your husband. I could be wrong, but it's just so weird that he doesn't seem to be worrying too much over what you did. Most people are devastated. Wanted to add that I do not understand when people feel that partipating in oral sex is somehow less of a sexual interaction than intercourse. Excuse my candor, but taking someone's genitals into your mouth is a highly personal and intimate act.
Author mandydarling Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 I don't know how to say it to convince you, but there was no oral sex. As I stated earlier, I was tempted to take it to that level, and wrote to this forum for the first time to see the reaction I would get. I think that I already knew that the reaction would be outrage, but I needed the outrage to talk myself out of it. I could not talk to anyone I know, so you guys became my voice of reason. I am sorry for lying, but it did stop me from making an awful mistake. So, please, no more comments about oral sex. It did not happen, thank God. The description at the beginning of this thread was the honest truth.
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