Have I done the right thing? :(

[shelleaf]

Hi all... This is my 1st posting. But I don't know where to start. I guess I'll have to relate our doomed romance right from the start, because it will explain exactly why I am in such pain and misery right now. All I ask is, please don't judge me. It's the last thing I need now, really.

 

In Feb 2008, I ended a 3.5 month affair with my husband's friend since 17 (they're 30 now). I know this shouldn't even have happened, much less still feel miserable about it, but that's the sad, undeniable truth.

 

I have known him, D, since 2001 when my husband and I first dated (we were each other's first real girlfriend/boyfriend). They belonged to a circle of friends from the same school. He hooked up with one of the girls from the circle, L, in 2003 (they're still together), while my husband and I got married in end 2004 and our kid was born in early 2007. D and I were casual acquaintances before 2006 - meeting only every Christmas Eve and one or two times a year. Then I introduced him into the company I was working for - purely based on his own merit. We understood each other better, found much similarities between us, and pretty much enjoyed each other's company. We became quite good friends though we were not based in the same office. I guess I had been secretly admiring him without even realising it, because although he was just average-looking, he possessed all the qualities I found important in a man - intelligent, street-smart, witty, popular, highly capable - everything my husband was not. But I had never entertained the thought of falling for him because he and his gf always seemed so lovey dovey whenever the group was together. Plus, I was already a mother! It seemed totally out of the question.

 

Then, as we got to know each other better throughout 2007, he told me about his love life. I was surprised to find out that he was a self-confessed player, and had bedded quite a few girls before and during his relationship with L. He said he "settled" with her because it was a rebound from his previous gf, the one he realised later he truly loved but she had left him because he didn't cherish her. He even told me he was having a crush on a pretty intern in his office, and only then did he realise he was not ready to marry L. As a good friend, I honestly told him that he should then break up with L and not waste his and her time anymore. I didn't want him to be like me - getting married too young and naively and stuck with a partner for life. I, too, shared with him why I was not happy with my husband. He didn't make much, lacked ambition, always looked sloppy, and worst of all, he and my mother were always quarelling. He, in turn, said I was actually more suitable for him than L because she was uninspiring and dull (which I actually agreed all along, to be honest). I don't know if it was his way of slowly stripping away my defences, but he knew me so well. He saw through my armour of a strong/capable career woman and understood my fears/worries/thoughts. We spent many evenings chatting away in the neighbourhood park back then... and it's memories of these happy days filled with laughter and friendship that haunt me till this day.

 

Then in Nov 2007, we had a company retreat in a neighbouring city. A wild night of boozing, dancing supper and a quiet time together led us to an empty room in the hotel, where he suddenly kissed and embraced me and told me he really wanted to make me his. We didn't have sex, though he was clearly hungry for it, because I was still confused (though elated) and I knew sex would change everything. We were just so glad to know that we had feelings for each other too - and that we should have been together much, much sooner. Suddenly, I didn't feel so alone anymore. Suddenly, I felt there was someone who loved me and knew me the way I deserved. Naturally, we spent even more time with each other, when our relationship finally became physically intimate, I fell even deeper. I shared with him my darkest, most humiliating family secret. He doted on my kid too - and I believed him when he said that he had never felt the warmth of a family - but with me and baby, he felt for the first time he was ready to be a husband. I felt so happy and alive, during the 3.5 months we were together.

 

To be honest, I didn't feel guilty towards L nor my husband, but I felt very sinful and guilty towards God (I am a Christian). I knew what I was doing was wrong but I just loved D too much to end it all. I stopped praying too, due to guilt and escapism. Another thing I hated was that he was still sleeping with the clueless L all this while. He said he knew he was being unfair to me, but he made it clear that he would have to eventually marry L because she had given him the best 5 years of her life, and that he would be a jerk too if he were to dump her like that. The jealousy was driving me crazy, and started casting shadows on our relationship when I couldn't let it go. There was once I couldn't take the pressure anymore and I broke down, wanting a breakup. He convinced me to carry on, and that we could still be soulmates and he would be content to be there for me anytime I needed him and watch my kid grow up over the years. I relented and made up. But in Feb 2008, I decided I didn't want to live with the ticking time bomb of his eventual marriage, as I knew that would spell total devastation for me when it happened. I realised that even if he really loved me, we had no future together; since he was not prepared to give L up, and I certainly could not divorce my husband without even getting any commitment from D. So I asked for a breakup again, requesting that we stay as friends. He agreed, admitting that L had also been nagging at him to pop the question and he didn't know when he would succumb to her pressure. He asked for a cooling period of 2 months, after which we promised to revisit the issue again.

 

Yet, barely 10 days after the breakup, we met up for a meal and I broke down again, asking if we could forget all that happened on that fateful night of breakup. I missed him so much. I let go of my pride to hug him but he gently pushed me away, saying he "hated to be indecisive". After that, he began to respond rather coolly to my MSN messages. Being a proud person by nature, I couldn't live that down, and retaliated with cold SMS replies whenever he texted me too. But deep down, every snub I made only served to stab me a hundred times worse. When the long-awaited 2 month timeline was up, I asked him about his conclusion, and he said what I did to him was a nightmare he couldn't forget, and that he agreed that we had no future together. He said we had both progressed very far and he didn't want to look back and be hurt again. Neither did he seem keen to meet up and talk about it, as he promised. I felt cheated, and I began to block him on MSN and respond coldly when I did appear online, to the point that we just stopped messaging each other altogether. Still, in May 2008, in a sudden bout of depression (yes, the breakup triggered my condition and I went back on medication, something he claimed he was disappointed about because I wasn't as strong as he thought and I was doing harm to my own body by taking medication), I texted him a heartfelt SMS that expressed my sadness at losing a loved one and a best friend. Shortly after, fearful of a non-response from him, I told him that he didn't have to reply if he didn't want to - just treat it as my ramblings but I just wanted to let him know how I felt. And the best part was... he actually DIDN'T REPLY! And birthdayin June came and went, without a single birthday wish from him. That was just devastating - but it actually helped me get over things abit more cos he was just so unbelievably cruel.

 

Part of me wants to make it easier to bear by believing perhaps it was "tough love" he was demonstrating, because he had told me that he wanted the best for me, no matter what my decision was. I don't know if he did all that to force me to give up, or he simply didn't care and moved onto a new target. I say that because the next time I saw him in June 2008, during my sister-in-law's wedding, and he was hitting it off with her bridesmaid, even sending her home! That sent me seething in wild rage. I couldn't resist passing a sarcastic remark to him about it when my husband and I bumped into him shortly after the wedding, and I guess it made him even angrier. I even kept a list of things that he said/did before and after our breakup to justify to myself that he wasn't worth my heartache, but after awhile, I just couldn't bear to make myself read the list anymore. What hurt me most was the painful realisation that someone you have loved so deeply and trusted so completely, could just turn around and give up everything so easily. Didn't our friendship mean anything to him at all - I keep asking myself. I wished I knew how to keep our friendship alive without rekindling any feelings of love, or provoking any anger/negativity/jealousy in me. The only thing that kept us in contact, was my monthly repayment of a $15,000 loan which he lent me as a bf to help settle my debts when the stock market crashed. To me honest, I really appreciate this gesture, and it's my only remaining evidence that I had indeed been loved by him - even for just a short while.

 

2 weeks ago, I hit a rough patch, when I saw that his MSN private msg read "3 days to holiday". Unable to resist the curiosity, I had to ask him where they were going - and his reply was "Hongkong and Shanghai =)" That might as well have killed me, and I cried the whole night because those were the very places I said I wished to go with him one day! I was so devastated that I finally deleted all his SMSes - something I had not been able to bring myself to do for the past 10 months, Granted, I myself had deliberately visited HK with my husband in August 2008 over his brithday, just so that I may convince myself that D is no longer important to me and I could jolly well enjoy the trip without him (my husband inadvertently leaked the news to D before our trip). Well, it obviously didn't work. I guess now it's been proven he scored one up on my again. Tonight, his MSN private msg reads "it's over! =( Fun but exhuasted". Like I really needed to know! How cruel of him! If he had put in that msg deliberately, how could he bear to hurt me this way, knowing I would be upset? And if it wasn't intentional, doesn't it simply mean he no longer spared a thought about my feelings, anyway? Either way, I lost.

 

2 nights ago, we met again because of the now-dreaded annual Christmas Eve gathering. We were all chatting away as usual - but my heart was bleeding beneath the masquerade. I left the gathering early to attend a midnight mass for the first time ever - where I just let my tears flow silently as I begged God for His forgiveness and for Him to take away my pain. All seemed normal in the presence of everyone else - but in private, I still do not hear any of that familiar MSN alert msg tone from his nick, and I know there's still a solid, impenetratable wall between us. I guess I may have to accept the fact that this wall may never ever be demolished - or do I? His 30th birthday is coming up on 30 Dec. Shall I send him a birthday card - with just a simple Happy Birthday message? What am I trying to achieve? So that he may keep the card on his office desk and think of me? Or will he just despise me for it and throw it away? I don't know! I have bought the card but I really don't know if I should send it. To be honest, I'll be really very, very happy if we could just go back to being great friends the way we were - without the sex of course - but is it too late to salvage this friendship? Is it even worth doing so? Many times, I have thought of giving up on this friendship too - painful as it may be - but when I think of the loan (I have repaid half of it thus far), I think he's not such a bad guy after all - and nothing would be sadder if we were reduced to simply a debtor/creditor and see-you-once-a-year kind of relationship. But I'm afraid we have too much "baggage" now. Sometimes, in moments of deep sorrow I do regret giving him up... maybe I should have enjoyed some more happy times for the time being, and deal with the heartache when he eventually gets married! What' sthe difference anyway - since either way, I'm hurting still! Have I done the right thing by giving him up? Please tell me I have........... :(

[reelbigfish]

You need to come clean with your husband. You are so focused on yourself and making yourself feel good that you have neglected to tell your husband you no longer love him. Sounds like your husband loves you and you are making him look like an idiot. You need to fess up to him and either a) go to marriage counseling or b) get a divorce. Only then will you be able to work on this other chap who in my opinion is exactly what he told you: a player.

 

I feel for you in the situation you're in - but you are probably not on the right forum if you want someone to comfort you about it.

 

Good luck with it all.