wmrjw82 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Recently, I discovered that a friend of mine is now dating an ex girlfriend of mine. This exgirlfriend of mine was one of the few girls I have truly loved and things ended very badly. She hurt me in ways I thought you could never be hurt. My friend has known about this for years. Even though this girl and I broke up 4 years ago I still consider it betrayl because this guy knew everything about the breakup and my feelings towards her and he still got with her. The way I found out was through my brother. This is where the situation gets complex. My brother and I had a falling out where we weren't speaking since October. The friend who betrayed me is also a friend of my brother. He used this opportunity to pursue my ex and have them both over at my brother's house to hang out on numerous occasions while we weren't speaking. My brother also knows how I feel about my ex. It really disturbs me that my brother would allow that situation to go on in his house knowing how it would affect me but at the same time we were not on speaking terms. He says he was in between a rock and a hard place. So here's the sitation now, I know about the ex and my friend. My brother and I worked things out and are now on speaking terms. At first I told him to choose between his friend and me because family is family...but I felt guilty about that and told him I can't dictate who he can and cannot be friends with. It's not my place. I wish he would just automatically feel that way. My fear is that he will continue to have both of them over to his house as if everything is okay when it is truly not okay. It will really affect things between me and my brother if he allows that to happen. What do i do? I don't want to be the bad guy and dictate who he is friends with but how can it NOT affect things between me and my brother if he is still friends with someone who betrayed me so deeply. I feel by him allowing them over to his house and hanging out w/ them it's saying to both of them..."it's okay". Which is definitely isn't. Please advise iam very lost and confused and trying to do the right thing but i'm not sure what that is because I know my feelings.
Geishawhelk Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 ..... I can't dictate who he can and cannot be friends with. It's not my place. .... That's right, you can't. My fear is that he will continue to have both of them over to his house as if everything is okay when it is truly not okay. Yes, it is, because the same applies to them, as does to your brother. Who your friend dates, is his business, not yours. You broke up with her long ago, Very Long Ago - Jeesh!! 4 years ago in fact!! The point that you still have feelings for her is your problem. Why should you try to make it theirs? It will really affect things between me and my brother if he allows that to happen. No, you will really make it affect things between you and your brother. "If he ALLOWS this to happen? Why shouldn't he? You just said you had no right to dicate who he's freinds with. That's why this is your problem, not theirs..... What do i do? I don't want to be the bad guy and dictate who he is friends with but how can it NOT affect things between me and my brother if he is still friends with someone who betrayed me so deeply. I feel by him allowing them over to his house and hanging out w/ them it's saying to both of them..."it's okay". Which is definitely isn't. Only in your eyes. Get over it! If you let this affect the relationship between you and your brother, sorry to say it, but you're the jerk who's ideas are still stuck fast in 2004..... What she did is one thing, but you know, I hate to say it - it happens. And the more you stay in "then" when you can't go back and change anything, the more stuck you remain, and the less you heal. Please advise i am very lost and confused and trying to do the right thing but i'm not sure what that is because I know my feelings. No you don't, because you seem under the impression that you are completely justified, and they are completely wrong. Sorry hun, but it's quite the other way around. 4 years have passed, and the only one who is still stuck in history, is you. They've moved on, and you're being ridiculous. You have to let go, move on, and drop it.
norajane Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I understand how you feel. However, your brother is not responsible for what your ex and this other guy are doing. They are going to date regardless of whether your brother is friends with that guy or not, regardless of whether they go over to his place to hang out occasionally. He's your brother and will always be in your life - don't allow your ex to come between you because then you give her even more power over you! You're allowing her to mess up your life and relationships even though you haven't been together in 4 years! It's also long past time that you get over your break-up. 4 years is too long to harbor pain. You have to let it go and move on to indifference. Besides, this guy is likely to get burned by your ex sooner or later. People rarely change much at their core.
bozwa Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 To be honest, I can COMPLETELY understand your hurt. But I don't think what your friend and your ex are doing is wrong. After all, you can't help who you fall in love with. Circumstances are bad, however if they have something worth it, then doing this to you, unfortunately, is something they are willing to do. Also, they may have been feeling that, since it has been 4 long years, maybe they thought enough healing time has passed. How close are you and this friend? Best friends? Or is it just a friend you'd hang out with on occasion? That makes a difference, too.
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