jason83 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I'll try to keep this short. I broke up with my gf last Sunday because she says she needs time. She was shocked and said she thought I was going to be there and help her through it....but she had barely contacted me for a week so I figured this was best to either quicken up what was going to happen anyway or make her desire me through no contact and not being there. Well, I had her brother's Christmas present hidden at my place so she asked if I could get it to her on Christmas Eve. I stopped by her house. But instead of being distant I talked to her about mistakes I had made. I became controlling of our time together and apart. I didn't communicate properly. At one point I was non existant for 2 weeks (she would always bring that up and I had said I'm sorry time and again but it still hurt her). So I explained I know I caused her pain and hurt her as well as us. I asked if there was any other pain I had caused her. Then I deeply and sincerely apologized saying I feel miserable for what I had done. Then I asked her if she would at least consider accepting my apology. She did. At this time I thanked her and talked about how I had learned from my mistakes and would never repeat them again....and asked if she would at least consider thinking about giving us another chance. She said she just needs some time. After that she hugged me, saying she felt so many butterflies and she would NOT stop smiling. She is texting me here and there now a little. Yesterday I called her talking about New Years Resolutions. I asked for her help and promised I wouldn't hold anything against her and she could be honest. I wanted to think about things I could change. So I listed three....Not asking so many questions (I do this when I want to fix problems), exercise more, and stop over analyzing. She said I don't need to exercise more but she agrees with the other two. That those were the two things that drover her insane about me. I asked if there was anything else she could think of that I did and she said no, it was just that. (I did both a LOT to her when I felt insecure in our relationship). I thanked her and she asked where this came from. So I told her that I was looking to better myself for the new year and was thinking of things I want to change and work on. I thanked her and said goodnight. She is coming over to my place today for a little bit to drop something off to me. I plan to thank her again for last night and tell her how I agree and really am going to work on what I talked about. If these are the things that have been bothering her, I have hopefully regained her trust through acknowledging my mistakes, apologizing for them, and promising that I have learned from them....and also through finding out what I did that bothered her...to decide if I want to fix it or not. In which case I do want to change those things about myself! I'm going to attempt a mini date with her as well. She is dying to go see Marley and Me. I plan to tell her I really am wanting to see the movie but don't know of anyone else that was wanting to see it....and if she would be interested some time next week since I have a gift card? I'm hoping she will say yes and I can keep it very light. I can try to show I've worked on the things I have said I want to. I will have fun with her without trying to pursue her or make a move. And after the movie, I plan to drop her off at her place and leave it at that without asking to do it again or anything. Hopefully a few days later I can try something similar again. I truly believe these are the right kind of steps to fixing what we have/had. I can tell she still feels something towards me. She is confused. Some say to leave her be and that she shouldn't feel that way....but I really feel like I'm on to something here.
Author jason83 Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 If anyone is curious, this tactic actually worked flawlessly. She excitedly agreed to the movie while I still acted calm about it. We're going today and I plan to keep it light, fun, and not even talk about anything more about "us" to still keep her guessing and working at me. She is texting me like crazy calling me "sweetie" and "honey" again. We'll see how things go, I suppose....I'm still being careful to protect myself
portcitykitty Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I wish my bf would try a tactic like that! I agree, that sounded like a pretty good tactic. Hope it works out for ya!
Author jason83 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Thanks! It's pretty simple psychological thinking to be honest. If someone doesn't trust in a relationship for any reason at all, that lack of trust can make them not feel close to the other person. So by owning up to flaws/mistakes of the past, apologizing for them, etc, those lines of trust can be rebuilt. Also, by identifying a problem that has caused someone not to be "into" the other person, it also gives the solution at hand as well if you want to fix it. Key words I've been using are "would you consider...." or "would you at least consider....". This asks what I want without begging or sounding needy...but also keeping her attention since I'm asking but not hot on her heels to pursue her. The movie went as expected. I kept my distance while keeping it very fun to remind her how much of a good time we can have together. She asked me out for a date (yes, she used that word) and I told her I'd have to get back to her on that. She seems very interested again and has already tried talking to me saying she really wants to get back together.
portcitykitty Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 YEE-HAW!! You go boy! I'm glad it's going good for ya, and hope it stays that way! And you're right about the trust thing.
kizik Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I have some thoughts, but I don't want to ruin your good time. So let me know if you want to hear them.
zenith Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 dude, you should just ignore her and not contact her no contact tactic is the best, bro
Author jason83 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 I'm open to opinions. Why do you think I should go nc instead? Isn't it best to try to fix problems if they can? Silent treatments aren't communicating
BikerBeagle Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Here's what's going to happen ...at some point in the future, you are going to hear these words come out of her mouth, "I've met this really cool guy...". Then, while you are standing there with your jaw on the floor thinking that your 'tactic' was working and that you were -kinda sorta- back together because she's tossing you bones like "honey", you are going to stammer something to her about how could this be happening ... ...and she's going to answer, "because I thought we were just friends".
Author jason83 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 I knew you guys were going to say that....but that's why I can't allow enough time to go by without pursuing something more to happen. I understand the friend zone, etc. but here's the thing I believe. 1) She still has feelings for me....I've known this girl for 3 years and I can see it in how she looks at me. 2) She has lost some interest in me for some reason -If I can pinpoint the reasons of why she did lose interest and can fix them (again if I want to change it), hey that's some valuable stuff 3) I've made some mistakes and I believe she's lost a an amount of trust in me. If you don't trust someone completely, then that relationship will NEVER feel close despite any feelings you might have. So by repairing those broken bridges be rebuilding that trust, boom....automatically you begin to feel a little closer. Again I understand what you guys are saying and I know everyone and their brother on here is a FIRM believer in no contact....but I've decided this is the path I'm going to take. She and I have always been able to talk through and resolve our differences....I believe with changing things a little bit of how I approach it, things can have a potential of working out. And if they don't, hey, I guess I'll post here and say that you told me so
Recommended Posts