Am I too clingy or is he not chasing/wooing me enough?

[highlibidolady]

So I've been seeing this guy for almost 3 months now and things have generally been pretty smooth. However, he doesn't call or text me half as much as he used to and I find myself being annoyed by this. On one hand I have books and my sister telling me I'm too needy/clingy and to give him some space etc, then on the other hand I have a good friend and books telling me that he's not that into me cos he should be doing most of the work 'chasing' me.

 

Now, that it's Christmas, I'm really getting quite annoyed! He called me and we had made plans for Sat 27th (the first day that both of us were free from familial obligations) and I was OK with that but then the next day he said he now had to do something with his family and since I was doing something with mine on the 28th it's now becoming the 29th and to be honest I'm getting frustrated and impatient.

 

I mean I get that he's busy and I'm busy too (and I feel it is WAY too early for us to meet the parents) but he didn't call when he said he would (and this has never happened before), doesn't send me text messages and despite me resisting the urge I couldn't resist sending him one to which he hadn't replied to.

 

Now I don't know if the problem is me or him?! I feel like he just doesn't care anymore. I saw him on the 21st and then asked when I'd see him next (esp. given it's Christmas, and our first one together) and he seemed really nonchalant and not even caring. He just kept saying "I gotta go, I'm not sure, I might have to work, I'll call you later." kind of thing and left it at that. Then when I talk to him on the phone I get a feeling it's almost a chore for him to see me. Of course I may be reading too much into it and feeling something which isn't the case..

 

But yeah so I have this friend telling me I have to make him chase me, then I have my sister telling me there's nothing wrong with seeing each other 1 day a week . But I'm like it's so early on in the piece. If we're seeing each other 1 day a week now , what's it going to be like later? (btw we live an hour's drive apart and he doesn't have a car).

 

I'm not sure what to do and it's doing my head in. I so desperately want us to work but I don't know how. Also I do feel I have codependent (caretaker) tendencies and so does he, although his is with other people in his life but not me. Not sure if this is relevant but thought I'd add it to give you more info.

 

Also I'm separated, and soon to lodge a divorce and my ex husband really wants me back and is trying so hard to woo me back. It won't work though but I admit sometimes deep down I am tempted to go back to him, but I just can't do it. But I feel that he would never treat me the way this new guy is, ie not seeing me at Christmas time and not even texting to say Merry Christmas, and when he finally called me I was so disappointed I almost didn't even feel like talking to him, that's when he told me he was busy with the family and seeing a friend (to pick up money his friend owes him - wtf?). and I am having serious doubts about us.

[stillafool]

I think you need to pull back your emotions on this guy. It doesn't sound good that he was so quick to get off the phone without making plans with you. Also you would think this being your first Christmas together he'd want to spend some time with you. To me it seems like he is pulling away from you. Your friend is right in telling you to let him do the "chasing". If a man wants you he will let you know.

[xjadex]

I agree with stillafool. The fact he doesn't call or text, seems in a rush to get off the phone, would be enough to send me running in the opposite direction. One thing I wouldn't be doing, is chasing him.

 

I'm kinda in same predicament, in that the guy Im involved with is an hour away and I don't and havn't seen much of him. But the difference in our situations is, is that he keeps up a regular and consistant contact with me, calls and texts a lot...I'm not having to chase him. If his calls and texts stopped....I WOULDN'T pursue. There are times I've sent a text msg and I get no reply...but he will call that same night.

 

If they are really interested, they make it know and we don't have to chase them.

 

I think you need to back way off and if he's interested, he will get in touch with you.

[SingleAgain08]

Your situation sounds a lot like what I've been through with several guys I've dated. I don't think you are being too clingy or your needs are unreasonable, but they may be too much for this guy to fulfill. He is definitely not showing enough interest in you. While I don't think a man's job is to "chase" a woman (especially after you're exclusive) he should show the same interest in you as you do in him. I think he's not sure if he wants to continue to date you and is distancing himself. Even if he says he still wants to be with you, actions speak louder than words. I have found this be true over and over again. The best strategy for you is to begin to let him go in your mind and reduce the amount of texts/communications with him. Come to terms with the possibility the relationship might end (but don't tell him you are doing this). There's a chance he'll realize he might lose you and might begin to show more interest again. Or, he may just allow things to fizzle out. If so, don't focus on what went wrong with you, but come to terms with the fact that he wasn't right for you. He could be the type of guy who always treats women this way, so be glad you dodged a bullet and that you are free to find a man who lives close by who is up to being a good boyfriend

[hanginthere]

Question is did you have the exclusive talk? I am in the same situation, guy an hour away we texted everyday except the 23rd (been doing this since Nov 23rd). But we are not exclusive, I know when he is pulling back and I do it as well. We give each other space and that is key. I am not sure how much longer I want to be in this type of relationship, I like him enough right now and we keep it interesting.

[highlibidolady]

Thanks for your thoughts and advice.

 

We didn't have the exclusive talk but I guess there was no need. I'm pretty sure and trust him that he's not dating anyone else. I know he has a fairly busy/hectic life/schedule and he pretty much tells me everything he does, he's fairly open. And I'm not one of those people that are scared that their partner is cheating on them so I don't think that's the reason. And I'm certainly not thinking about anyone else either.

 

Anyway I'll see how it goes in a few days time... afterall, New Years eve is coming up too!

[highlibidolady]

Hi Everyone

So I saw him again after 8 days (which seemed like an eternity esp. since it was Christmas too). My friend has been really supportive and giving me advice but I think it's hindering me rather than helping. Since she (obviously) has my best interests at heart I think her advice was leading me down the wrong path.

 

After reading just one thread on this great forum this one

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=34650

 

I finally figured out the problem! Reading through it finally opened my eyes.

 

The 'issue' that I had with him was that he wasn't spending enough time with me basically. That was one thing. It's now about one day a week (but I can deal with that if I know it's coming and something for me/us to look forward to). The second thing was when he would 'ditch' me at the last minute for some family crisis, or work, or something else. I would feel extremely hurt, jealous, resentful and upset. And It happened a few times and I'd be in tears and feel extremely depressed afterwards. I would totally overreact and think that we're over and I was so stupid for choosing the wrong guy again.

 

But after we had a long talk today I finally began to understand what was really happening.

 

Since he is confident and emotionally secure, he can't understand why I 'need' to see him so often. He has even accused me of being 'needy' and 'controlling' and I hate that because my ex was like that and I vowed not to find a guy like that again (and I didn't!) but what happened was I turned out to be those things - all those things I didn't want for myself (a needy/clingy, insecure person with low self esteem).

 

I think the reason my ex and I also didn't have problems in this area is because deep down we're both insecure and 'needy' so we both wanted to spend as much time with each other as possible.

 

But I've realised (after reading billions of books and websites and speaking to friends and my sister) that the best relationships are the ones where the 2 ppl involved have their own individual lives and not expecting their partner to fill the 'void'. Rather that their partner just ADDS to their (already fulfilling) life - would this be correct?

 

My problem is compounded by so many things... I have just finished studying and in that stage of looking for a good job in the area which I'm going into (a big career change). and due to personal issues I am lacking the motivation and confidence to do so. And therefore since I'm not working or studying right now I feel bored and have a lot of free time. So I think the key is to find things to keep me busy which I'll do now I realize that is part of the problem.

 

I think my insecurity definitely goes back to my teenage years where I felt kind of worthless without a boyfriend and never had one during high school. Then after high school when I started dating I had a whole series of boyfriends and they all dumped me. Even if they were no good for me or it just wasn't working I was too 'gutless' to do it and basically got dumped time and time again. I guess deep down I thought I wasn't good enough.

 

So anyway my last relationship was my longest at over 5 years, the guy I ended up marrying and getting divorced to soon. I wasn't needy/clingy with him and if I was it didn't feel like it was because we BOTH wanted to see each other all the time.

 

Also I don't know if insecurity is hereditary but I'm certainly getting ideas from my mother (in fact she's the one who basically ruined my life in terms of relationships). For example one time my ex and I were living in a 2 br apartment and looking for someone to share the 2nd bedroom. My mother kept telling me not to get a female but I actually preferred a female (more in common, cleaner/tidier etc) and so did my ex so we find a person who was female. It didn't work out.. but a few nights before she was due to move in, I was talking to my ex in bed and it turned into a massive massive argument all because of my mother putting thoughts into my head!

 

She kept saying to me "If you get a female roommate (ex's name) will cheat on you and go out with her" or some crap like that and I started to believe it, and questioned my ex's fidelity. And understandably he was quite outraged by this accusation and we stayed up all night arguing about it!! UGH.

 

I'm not jealous in the sense that I think my partner will run off with another woman (unless there is reason to believe this is happening) and wasn't with my ex nor the guy I'm currently seeing.

 

But now that I realize what is going on, I AM jealous. Just of other things and people. I'm jealous of the time he spends with family, friends, and at work. I know it sounds selfish but I want him to spend the majority of his time with me.

 

But after he explained to me calmly... his job responsibilites have increased dramatically and now he's owrking 50-60hr weeks so he doesn't have that much spare time and I keep asking if he can get time off work to 'hang out' and he says that upsets him cos he feels pressured and ultimately someone will be disappointed.

Also the hours he works are at night and not always the same, so that also causes chaos in his very busy schedule.

 

I think that's another difference between us. Every minute of his week is filled (apart from sleeping hours and even because of all this his sleeping patterns are wacked out and he says he gets insomnia quite a bit) whereas mine is quite free. I know it's because I'm not working but even when I was working/studying before I'd always keep free time to myself.But I think this is also because I'm introverted whereas he is extroverted and likes to be around people all the time. I don't have a problem but yeah now I've realized that jealousy IS my problem.

 

So now that I've come to this realization... I have to stop 'pestering' (as he put it) him, and give him some space, and fill my own life with more things and activity and spend more time seeing my own friends (which I tend to neglect whenever a guy comes into my life!!)

 

After everything he told me I don't have any real reason to think he is going to leave me or cheat on me or anything of the sort. After a bad experience with my ex I made a mental note never to find or go out with anyone who had the qualities he had and my new partner is so wonderful in so many ways. But we both agreed that although both love each other and spending time with each other, if this 'issue' cannot be resolved then there can be no future for us (as sad as that is, and hard for me admit).

 

But if I'm being really honest with myself, the problem isn't with him at all. It's me feeling I'm somehow not 'good enough' therefore that's why he wants to spend time with all these other people... and that I should be at the top of his priority list (dammit)! Am I wrong for feeling like this?

 

Would love your advice. But just wanted to add again that that thread I mentioned I sound almost exactly like the girl mentioned, and 'johan' seems similar to my boyfriend in that no matter what he does or says she doesn't seem to 'believe' that he truly loves her enough.

Like Johan and Tac719's girl, I too, am a perfectionist with incredibly high standards for myself and everyone around me. Since I'm the first born it was drummed into my head from a young age I had to be the 'best' or else I'd be nothing. My parents were always like 80 isn't good enough.. why didn't you get 90 or over? Or I'd get 90% and they'd be like "Why didn't you get 100%? Did you come first?" etc. Even now at the age of 32 I still constantly feel that I'm not good enough and even if I get 100% and come first (which I did) it doesn't feel that 'sweet'.

 

Compounding my situation is that my ex has be super super nice to me and trying weekly to get me back. He asked to spend NYE with him, whereas I know I can't spend it with my boyfriend because he's working that night.. so I feel like I'm turmoil. On one hand I have the guy I don't want wanting to spend time with me, and the guy I do want not wanting to spend time with me.

 

I know I know (he has explained) that it's not that he doesn't want to spend time with me, it's just that he doesn't have that free time. And also because we have different work ethics. Not that I'm lazy but I place work at the bottom of my priority list, whereas he places it at the top of his (he admitted this, so it's not just a thought of mine).

 

Would love some advice where do I go from here? (now I've come to this realization).

 

Thanks

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Ok, there is a lot to respond to in that last post and

i don't have time now, but i did want to say this one thing. If you have been seeing each other for 3 months, then the fact that you are only seeing him once a week sounds a little odd. I can see that in the beginning, but not after 3 months. And no, wanting to see him more often than once a week is not needy or clingy.

[highlibidolady]

Thanks for your perspective.

 

As I said in my first post I'm confused because I feel perhaps I'm am too needy/clingy but then on other hand perhaps I'm not. I really don't know ...

[EYECANDY000]

The only thing I can say is you shouldn't be so dependent on taking advice from books, magazines, and friends. Books tend to paint an unrealistic picture of what a relationship should be about. Also, friends tend to give advice that they wouldn't even follow themselves. (And I've done it plenty of times)

[moonshadow]

I think this guy is filling your head with sh*t. I think he maybe sees some vulnerability and ?insecurity in you and he's using that to his advantage (whatever that may be) -- by trying to brainwash you into believing you're "needy and clingy" - and what's even worse, you're quick to accept this as the truth.

 

My God, you've been seeing one another for 3 months. Wanting to see the man you care about more than once a week is anything but needy or clingy, trust me.

 

Now I ask you this -- have you ever been to his home? How do you know he's not in a relationship with someone? Back with an ex wife? Convenient that he's just so busy over the holidays, too busy to return a text, too busy to take 2 minutes to call and wish you a Merry Christmas, his plans change last minute, he seems to be in a rush when on the phone, etc. OH and now he has to work NYE. And he JUST found this out? Does that sound reasonable to you? I used to work shiftwork and most people that do know their work schedule, ESPECIALLY OVER THE HOLIDAYS, well in advance. Funny he just finds out now he has to work. Sorry but I smell something fishy here and I doubt it's a trout.

 

By the way, why doesn't this dude have a car? Does he live somewhere like NYC where having a vehicle is not necessary or what? So when you want to see him, I take it that you have to drive to him and be the taxi?

 

Truly, when a guy is smitten with you, he will always find a way to communicate with you, to spend some time with you, to give you a quick call to say hello. I think this guy is involved with someone else or is dating others.

 

Strange to me, too, that after 3 months together, you 2 have not had 'the talk' about being exclusive. Why not? I'm going to assume you're sleeping together.............so in the interest of your health (STDs, etc), you should be knowing if he's sleeping with others or not.

[highlibidolady]

Thanks moonshadow. I really appreciate that you are looking out for me but I'm 99% sure he isn't cheating on me. yes I know it is not 100% unless I start spying or stalking him.

 

For one thing he works 50-60 hours a week and although he obviously doesn't work on a public holiday, he has to work pretty much the other days, and he usually works 6 days a week (sometimes 5).

 

Then, he's very social and extroverted so likes spending time with friends. He also likes playing a certain computer game (I made sure he isn't addicted), and sometimes has to help out his parents with certain stuff. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him, and he may or maybe not bad for me, but I'm pretty sure he's not with another girl. When he does call he calls me from work usually (when he has a spare moment) and he pretty much tells me all the hours he works every day.

 

One time I was nearby his area and decided to pop into his work to say hello and surprise him. Also I knew he was really tired from working so much so I wanted to help him (if I was capable) so he could finish up earlier and go home earlier. He was really happy to see me... I guess that's an example of if he was lying to me or cheating on me then I wouldn't have found him at work exactly when he said he'd be there?

 

He doesn't have a car because he's a student and saving up for one. He also has some debts from before which is realized he must pay off ASAP which is one of the reasons he is working so hard/much.

 

Nope I'm not his taxi driver. I think I've only picked him up/driven him twice and he's never ever asked me to. I have offered though sometimes and he refused (except those 2 times) saying he didn't want to trouble me so I don't think he's like that.

 

Yes I have been to his home. He lives with his parents and I have (very briefly) met his family. He's a fair bit younger than me and studying which is why he's living at home. I just thought I'd explain in case anyone was wondering.

 

I really don't have any reason to believe he's cheating on me. The very few times I've called his house he's been there when he said he would be, or his family member would tell me where he's gone etc.. I doubt they'd be lying on his behalf.

 

I think the problem is (if I'm nitpicking him) is that he doesn't seem to have time in his life to fit me in but he says it's the same for everyone ... that after work and sleep and study, he doesn't have much time to do anything. even time for himself (he doesn't spend a great time of time on the computer at all). So I dunno.. I guess he needs to manage his 'timetable' better? I'm not sure because I'm not the kind of person to fill my life/time to the brim like that.

[xpaperxcutx]

Okay now that I have read all your posts I understand why he's being distant. The age difference coupled with his schooling and work all contributions as to why he's hardly spending time with you. He's busy finishing college? and working to pay loans and debts. All this amount to incredible pressure at times and gives him any time to worry about anything else. Also as you've said, you're in the phase of transitioning jobs that you're hardly busy with other things, so in your free time your mind often wanders to thoughts about him. That in turn causes you to believe something is wrong with the relationship.

 

IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD.

 

One thing I'm worried about however is the lack of exclusivity between you two. I know that if a man is crazy about a woman he would go out of his way to make her his. Usually the time frame for exclusivity would be around the 1 month to 2 month period, but you're already on the 3 month mark and he hasn't even asked you to be his "GF".

[highlibidolady]

Really? So there is nothing wrong with the relationship? or him? or me? I am SOOOO confused, all of this is really doing my head in and I really can't function (in fact I'm having problems eating and sleeping - all going out of whack) and I keep delaying the job search (which is what I really need to do now) because I feel like I need to get this sorted but I don't even know what the issue really is and I feel my perspective just keeps changing depending on what I read or who I speak to!!

 

(but I still do value all of your opinions as i think the more advice I get from different people the better).

 

We did have a talk about being girlfriend and boyfriend fairly on (about 2 weeks in from memory) but we never actually said anything about being exclusive and not seeing anybody else, I guess it was just assumed. We actually met in the same course we were studying (not the one he is doing now though) so we actually saw each other a lot during the week, even before we had ANY sort of feelings for each other (for about 2 months). It was just implied and assumed we were not dating anybody else I guess. I've never had any reason to doubt him and I know he doesn't doubt me either in that area.

[xpaperxcutx]

Really? So there is nothing wrong with the relationship? or him? or me? I am SOOOO confused, all of this is really doing my head in and I really can't function (in fact I'm having problems eating and sleeping - all going out of whack) and I keep delaying the job search (which is what I really need to do now) because I feel like I need to get this sorted but I don't even know what the issue really is and I feel my perspective just keeps changing depending on what I read or who I speak to!!

 

(but I still do value all of your opinions as i think the more advice I get from different people the better).

 

We did have a talk about being girlfriend and boyfriend fairly on (about 2 weeks in from memory) but we never actually said anything about being exclusive and not seeing anybody else, I guess it was just assumed. We actually met in the same course we were studying (not the one he is doing now though) so we actually saw each other a lot during the week, even before we had ANY sort of feelings for each other (for about 2 months). It was just implied and assumed we were not dating anybody else I guess. I've never had any reason to doubt him and I know he doesn't doubt me either in that area.

 

There is only a problem if you believe there's a problem. Which right now because of your confusion is making you believe there's something wrong. I would recommend instead of focusing on the relationship focus on your job search. That would preoccupy your time and lessen your need to focus on him. Remember, even in a relationship, your own needs still come first. That means spending time on your own well- being instead of worrying about what others are doing.

 

How about this? Write a list about your current priorities and take the next week and two to work on them. Write down the most important thing first, being looking for a job, followed by working on yourself, and etc, with the relationship being last. You'll realize that after the two weeks, you'll notice less stress about the relationship.

[stillafool]

I don't care how busy a guy is, if he is in love with you he will make time to see you and (more than once a week). He would definitely spend the Christmas holidays with you. He would suggest a way for the two of you to be together.

[LovieDove24]

Let me tell you something right now. Your mom may have screwed you up relationship wise, but right now it doesnt matter WHY you have the problem, what matters is that you DO have it and as an adult its now your responsibility to reconcile it. Believe me, as the child of two alcoholic parents I know how easy it can be to blame them for all our problems, but so what? We cannot change the past, all we can do is man up and WORK ON OURSELVES. After all, one lesson we will all learn in this life is that we are all alone.

 

My advice? Dont date anyone right now. Put your current bf by the wayside. Not because you are too clingy, not because he is right, not because YOU are right...none of this matters. What matters is you have no idea what the hell you want right now.

[animo]

Hey... it all depends on what you want!

 

You want a clingy boyfriend? Then go and get a clingy boyfriend. It's real easy actually... there's literally thousands of these guys in any city, even the minor ones, and they're everywhere, and they're all just WAITING for some woman to come talk to em... They all got years and years of bad poetry stashed aside for when some woman finally talks to them... They will woo you, and woo you, and woo you some more until you are quite literally SICK of being wooed :-)

[highlibidolady]

Hi everyone I'm feeling much better about the situation now.

I don't think he wants to break it off with me but on the other hand I think he just wants to take it slow. I know he does want to see me and we're seeing each other tomorrow. I have begun to let him go in my mind (knowing it could end). Obviously I'd be upset if it did but meanwhile I would be prepared so the pain wouldn't be so unbearable. Also I'm trying to fill up my free time with as many activities as possible and trying to see ALL my friends, some of whom I haven't seen for many months.. (not on the same day, all on different days) so I don't really have much spare time to be moping around over him. Speaking to some friends knocked some sense into me

 

So I guess now whatever happens happens and if he is not interested whatever reason I won't take it personally. I think it's that it's a bit full on for him (esp. since he's much younger than me and I'm only his 2nd relationship) and I'll have to let him go and get on with my busy and fulfilling life!