I F*@^ked up again...

[TheRock]

PROBLEM- I promised my GF I'd be more understanding of her family situation and family's rules and would stop badgering her about it while she tried to move out. I was good for 2 months, but CAVED today on Christmas. It turned into a fight and we almost broke up. Not sure what tomorrow will bring. How do I handle this?

 

BACKSTORY-My GF of 2 1/2 yrs' dad is VERY possessive\controlling to the point that she has NO self-esteem. OUR relationship was incredible until he realized WE were in love and HE might "lose" her. Since then, he's done NUMEROUS (obivous to everyone but her) things to disrupt our vacations, dates, etc. by calling her with BS "emergencies" that make us cut our time short and race home, really just so she's back near him! IT'S SICK! She kind of realizes this, but since she still lives at home at 31, feels powerless and must do as he says! She tries to get out, but he talks her out of it and often turns it around to make me seem like the problem. Over the past 1 1/2-2 years, the ONLY fights we have are over his interference. BUT, it's become so frequent that we're losing attraction for each other cause we're powerless and at each other's throats. She's miserable from his interference and because we're fighting over it and he turns it around to make her think I'M THE REASON SHE'S UPSET. It's him! He tells her "You've been miserable for the past 2 years-since you've been dating Joe", etc. If he wasn't interfering, we wouldn't be fighting and she wouldn't be miserable! We're nowhere near ready to move in together or get engaged, so that's out of the question. (before the interference, we were headed on that path).

 

His "rules" are odd. For instance, I'm not allowed to be with her on Holidays, because he demands she stay with the family and BF's are not allowed over to dinner OR dessert unless they are engaged or married! Weird Rule. Of course, I want to see my GF on Christmas, but I can't! In the beginning of our relationship, we both wanted to see eachother on the holidays, but NOW it's become so much of a problem that we try to avoid it alltogether. Today it finally got to me and I flipped out on her. I told her I'm not mad at her, but I would think after being in a Rel for the 3 Christmases noe, that we'd finally be able to spend it together! She got mad that I wasn't being understanding of her dad's rules and we came VERY close to ending it. She said she's looking for an apartment tomorrow. Hopefully that helps. How do I handle this? My patience is wearing thin and I don't want anymore damage to our relationship.

[kizik]

Oh, Rock, you didn't f*ck up. Can't you see that it's your lack of self-esteem, after being put through so much hell in this relationship, that makes you automatically blame yourself for anything that goes wrong?

 

I know your story from another thread, and let me tell you man - none of this is going to resolve itself. Dad is always going to have his insane rules. The only thing that can change in this situation is you, and your removal from said situation.

 

You. Need. To. Get. Out. You are getting very hurt in this R. Your needs, if you have even addressed them, are not being met. YOU are being treated like an insignificant entity. A burden. Just another boyfriend. No one special. Well, you ARE special. Don't forget it, and don't let people treat you like your opinion doesn't matter, ESPECIALLY your GIRLFRIEND!!!

[TheRock]

I've seen how great our relationship WAS and CAN BE and that is why I hang in there. I stated to her how I feel about it. She says she's powerless until she moves out. Tomorrow she's making a sincere effort to get out. Not just for us, but her own sanity. I'm hoping that that will make a difference. Her bro moved out a few years back for the same reason and refuses to have much contact w\the dad. In fact he threatened to never let him see his grandson that is due in Feb!!! The dad calls my GF & her bro 25-30 tx's a day, NO JOKE!! The bro seems normal now and I hope my GF is able to get her self esteem back and our relationship back once she's out. Hoping she'll rely on me instead of dear old dad! I know it's a lot of hoping, but I do sincerely love her and think down deep, she loves me too. She's confused in life and mad I pressured her today. Her and her fam have been literally battling over this issue for the past two weeks now. As I've promised to back off pressuring her a few weeks ago, I reneged on that promise and got mad at her today cause we weren't allowed to spend ANY of Christmas together. I feel like crap now and wished I didn't get mad. Also, while she understands I'm confused\stressed over the situation, my pressuring her isn't helping the situation and she feels she's being pulled in 2 different directions by her Dad and me. She can't deal with it all and when it comes down to it, it's easier for me to be pushed aside, then her dad, so she says. She apologized to me the other day for the way she's been acting.

[xpaperxcutx]

R, you need to give your gf space to find her own strength to leave her dad. Pressuring her is only making her feel worse, although I do understand how frustrating it can be not being able to spend time with your gf. But this her family problem and you as a an outsider can only be an audience. Let her work out her problems while you giver her your support. Please be more patient with her and not give up on this relationship.

[highlibidolady]

Oh dear.

Unfortunately I can totally relate. Except I was that girl you are talking about. The story about your girlfriend sounds EXACTLY like me a 2-3 years ago. I have a very controlling father and it bugs me to no end. There's nothing really that YOU can do, your girlfriend has to face her demons (ie her dad) and give it to him straight otherwise he'll continue to walk over her forever.

 

My sister stood up to my dad, therefore he doesn't treat her the same way he treats me although he did try to stop her from studying abroad but he wouldn't have a bar of it at first, but then ended up giving her money for living costs, and then after she 'proved' herself to be capable and independent then he's let go of the 'leash' so to speak. However it's always been different with me , since I'm the older one (and therefore closer to my parents as all older children are, and also parents place more expectations on us)... but I really do feel for you. I think your girlfriend has to realize what her father is doing is wrong, and stunting her emotional growth.

 

When I first moved out, I still felt compelled to go back home for half the week. I don't know what made me do it, other than this invisible tie that tied me to my father and making me live in the same roof as him. At the time I didn't know he was totally emotionally controlling me and messing with my head. But now that I understand what was going on (and for my whole life) after reading heaps of books, I'm better equipped to deal with him!

[TheRock]

HLL, you sound JUST like my GF. I've given her lots of space, but the more space you give, creates more distance, because her father fills up her time with other things to do. It's as if HE'S dating her, taking her to hockey games, concerts, shows, etc. He tells her she's boring and has no personality and that she should find new hobbies or take up some interests at night....like joining HIS stamp collectors club or joining a Camera Class with HIM...

 

It's gotten to a point that she'd rather not make "plans" with me to do things because she winds up having to amlost always break them, due to her dad, and she knows it hurts me. She says she's exhausted from having to "chose" between her dad and me and feels like she's being pulled in 2 directions. The "space" I give her combined with the arguments over her dad's interference has made us lose that initial "passion" we had in the beginning. (it comes back briefly from time to time)

 

Just when things start to improve, he pulls another "stunt". (Her dad is 61 and if he doesn't get his way, he pouts and won't talk to her for days making her feel guilty). Now she questions OUR relationship, saying "we are always fighting". I explain to her that it's not us, but her dad that's causing it. If he wasn't interfering and breaking our plans constantly, we would never argue. In this almost 3 year relationship, we've only had 2 minor arguments that weren't related to her dad's interference. That's pretty good in my eyes, but the other ones are taking a toll on us and I don't know if or how to get the passion back. Is it possible?

[amerikajin]

There is only one way this is going to change: she has to move out and away from home. That is the only possible way things can improve between you two. The problem is that while she might be an adult, she is not yet autonomous. She is used to being under strict supervision. This complicates the situation considerably. I can't give you advice on how to handle this, but know that this is your only solution. It's just a question of how long you want to continue dealing with something like this.

[movingonandon]

PROBLEM- I promised my GF I'd be more understanding of her family situation and family's rules and would stop badgering her about it while she tried to move out. I was good for 2 months, but CAVED today on Christmas. It turned into a fight and we almost broke up. Not sure what tomorrow will bring. How do I handle this?

 

BACKSTORY-My GF of 2 1/2 yrs' dad is VERY possessive\controlling to the point that she has NO self-esteem. OUR relationship was incredible until he realized WE were in love and HE might "lose" her. Since then, he's done NUMEROUS (obivous to everyone but her) things to disrupt our vacations, dates, etc. by calling her with BS "emergencies" that make us cut our time short and race home, really just so she's back near him! IT'S SICK! She kind of realizes this, but since she still lives at home at 31, feels powerless and must do as he says! She tries to get out, but he talks her out of it and often turns it around to make me seem like the problem. Over the past 1 1/2-2 years, the ONLY fights we have are over his interference. BUT, it's become so frequent that we're losing attraction for each other cause we're powerless and at each other's throats. She's miserable from his interference and because we're fighting over it and he turns it around to make her think I'M THE REASON SHE'S UPSET. It's him! He tells her "You've been miserable for the past 2 years-since you've been dating Joe", etc. If he wasn't interfering, we wouldn't be fighting and she wouldn't be miserable! We're nowhere near ready to move in together or get engaged, so that's out of the question. (before the interference, we were headed on that path).

 

His "rules" are odd. For instance, I'm not allowed to be with her on Holidays, because he demands she stay with the family and BF's are not allowed over to dinner OR dessert unless they are engaged or married! Weird Rule. Of course, I want to see my GF on Christmas, but I can't! In the beginning of our relationship, we both wanted to see eachother on the holidays, but NOW it's become so much of a problem that we try to avoid it alltogether. Today it finally got to me and I flipped out on her. I told her I'm not mad at her, but I would think after being in a Rel for the 3 Christmases noe, that we'd finally be able to spend it together! She got mad that I wasn't being understanding of her dad's rules and we came VERY close to ending it. She said she's looking for an apartment tomorrow. Hopefully that helps. How do I handle this? My patience is wearing thin and I don't want anymore damage to our relationship.

 

Dude, I had similar problem with my ex (um, yeah...) girlfriend's mother.

The bottom line is that unless she realises all this and works it out for herself, you two have no chance in hell.

You are doing a good job in trying to be understanding, the problem is that there is a very fine line between being understanding and putting up with ridiculous crap. I could not find that line, but hopefully you will.

This is important because this is the only way you can give yourself some peace of mind - in a sense "i'll tolerate such and such, but if things get to point X I'll be willing to walk away" (and be, indeed willing to walk away). Otherwise you will be constantly tempted to react everytime you're exposed to unreasonableness, and basically get in fights all the effin time...

[moonshadow]

Unless there's more to the story (like your GF doesn't work and Daddy supports her), I have to ask you - how can you respect a woman who's 31 yrs old, who still lives at home (that's pathetic) and is so unable to be the ADULT that she is? A stable and mature woman should be going out of her mind to still live at home; most have moved out in their early 20s unless they're only there while attending college. I could never respect someone who was a grown adult but who had no backbone or the ability to stand up for themself. Sounds like she's probably quite the head-case. Do you really think things will get better should she act like the grown woman she is and she gets her own place? He's never going to be out of the picture. Should you ever think about marrying her, and having kids - Daddy will always be thick in the midst of your marriage; exerting his control and she'll be the wimpy wuss who can't stand up for herself or you/her marriage. If she's 31 and hasn't been able to "grow up" by now, it's a lost cause. She's already far too screwed up.