skinman Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 It is a fact that relationships have their ups and downs. Being negative about it will keep you in a slump. Blaming your partner because you are not happy or because you are not infatuated or feel swept off your feet is no way to solve your own unhappiness I agree with learner911, you owe it to your husband to try and work things out, tell him how you feel give the guy a chance to try and meet your emotional needs. To add a little excitement back into your life..I am in the same situation as L911 my wife never told me things were bad she let it get to a point where she shut down her emotions and feelings for me.. after 16 years I thought all was going good we were not arguing , no disagreements nothing the sex was better than it had been in years only for to tell me one day to get the F-out... I would have done anything to try and save my marriage but she had her EA and was so caught up in it like yourself that she threw away everything that we have worked so hard to achieve.... Communication is the key.. give the guy a chance to make things right. If he is a good guy like you say you owe it to him... I wish like Hell my wife had said something... but she didnt so dont live with regrets... Give him a chance and if things dont get better then you know at least you tried...
mendsley Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 learner911 great post minimizethehurt Most of the men here have been or are going thru what your husband is. I can tell you it was the hardest thing in my life and I have been thru a ton of things ranging from the military to 4 different prisons, on the good side of the bars:) I am only about 5 months into this ordeal and my advice is be honost, VERY honost with your husband. Allot of answers from my wife are still, that she gave me plenty of signs that she was unhappy. Well I never get the messege because she never said it straight up, GUYS cannot read minds. I think things would of been allot different if she said " Hey I am thinking of leaving you because I do not love you any more". DO NOT beat around the bush with this, you are dealing with another persons emotion. You are going thru a stage in life where you cannot understand the emotions you are feeling because of either chemical unbalance or ???, but you should really look into what is going on with YOU. Think about this, in the beginning of every relationship it is always fun, we seem to see each other as understanding each others needs and it is FUN. Well it will NOT stay like that, there is not one relationship that stays as it did in the beginning. Do you really think that in a few years this person will provide you something that will keep you commited? Do not string this along with your husband, if you deeply feel like this is gonna end, then do it NOW! He will be okay without you, it will hurt him at first but he will be okay. My wife and I are only seperated and we do not talk about divorce, but I have this false hope that we can get back together. I go thru allot of pain everyday because I do not want to end it and I still do not know what she really wants because she really does know what she wants, but I know she will drop the gauntlet sooner or later. It would be allot easier if she instantly would of said she wanted a divorce, because then I would know where we stand! GOOD LUCK
Author minimizethehurt Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Thank you all for the last few very informative posts. I sincerely appreciate them. Mendsley- why don't YOU drop the gauntlet if you suspect she will do it anyway? It would put you both out of your misery. Why let her string you along and why allow yourself to be strung? I ask not out of criticism, but because my husband is in your boat. What if I DON'T know what I want? I really don't know if it can work and I am heartbroken (like it or not) away from my AP. What if he truly IS a good person and my feelings for him are genuine? The thought of having less time with my girls scares the h*ll out of me and what it might do to them, etc. My guilt over hurting my husband is immense but right now I am nothing- I can barely get thru the day these things weigh on me. I know- whine, whine, whine, but things are what they are. Learner911's revelation that we are not monogamous creatures actually hit me a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, the same biology that gave us the ability to commit also gave us the ability to wonder 'what if' and to realize that life is a one time shot.
mendsley Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Mendsley- why don't YOU drop the gauntlet if you suspect she will do it anyway? It would put you both out of your misery. Why let her string you along and why allow yourself to be strung? I ask not out of criticism, but because my husband is in your boat. That is the million dollar question for me I go back and forth asking myself why am I doing this to myself. I mean she has already told me that she only see's me as a friend and that she love's me and she is no longer IN love with me which we all know means she was having an emotional affair. Did some spying and found the truth. she was! I really feel that I am codependant on her emotions, I strive to manipulate her when we talk to get some kind of answer out of her of why she just all of a sudden felt this way? Everything I do, I do for the sake of seeing some kind of reaction from her, pathetic huh? I guess to sum it up I was close to 100% with our emotions and she went to 50%, from what she says, along time ago and could no longer stay with me. I, for some reason, cannot accept that and do not want to be the person to end this when there "could" be a chance of being together, if she wants a divorce then like she has done before she will take action. I still do see some wonderful qualities in this woman; beauty, compassion, great mother, fun, and most of all she is the focal point of our family. To lose that would be a damn shame! Your husband probably see's this in you too and you need to find out if you can appreciate it or just acknowledge it. If my wife came to me and said we are getting the divorce I would tell her okay I respect your wishes. I would be VERY tore up but, but it would give me a sense of direction and I would over come it and he would too. So why is it so hard for you to decide? Are you scared of being the person to drop the divorce? Do think you could mend things with your husband? If this other person will provide what is most important in life, happiness, then why not go with that feeling? Please understand that I am not trying to insult or judge you with this but or are you covering your own ass by having him there if this mr.right turns out to be mr.left?
mendsley Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I know I have my own problems here....and I have hurt the one I loved with an affair myself' date=' but maybe that's makes me perfect to give my 2 cents. I spent a while wrestling with the OW verses the W, it was a very difficult decision, or so I thought...the wife stayed while I decided (don't know why, I guess she's that special of a woman). Anyway, every relationship when it's new has all of those good feelings that make you feel good...it can seem so much better than your marriage...trust me...I've been where you are. But due to mistakes I made along the way, the W left, and the OW was mine for the taking....problem is, it was that "new relationship" feeling....it wasn't real...the love I felt for my wife was. Now, I severed the OW, and am left alone wishing that my W would come back. It sounds to me like it's not too late to fix it. Do yourself a favor, and fix this before it becomes irreversable...because if it does, I can guarantee you will regret it.[/quote'] Sorry to post again, but I really appreciate Don'tDeserveHerBut for posting this. More men and women need to understand this logic. This is all so true, and I would tell you to print this and read this as much as you can so it can sink in. I really think people leave relationships these days because they see something that gives them an easy way of fixing thier problems instead of living up to the commitment. Thanks Don'tDeserveHerBut for posting it is good information
TrustInYourself Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Thank you all for the last few very informative posts. I sincerely appreciate them. Mendsley- why don't YOU drop the gauntlet if you suspect she will do it anyway? It would put you both out of your misery. Why let her string you along and why allow yourself to be strung? I ask not out of criticism, but because my husband is in your boat. What if I DON'T know what I want? I really don't know if it can work and I am heartbroken (like it or not) away from my AP. What if he truly IS a good person and my feelings for him are genuine? The thought of having less time with my girls scares the h*ll out of me and what it might do to them, etc. My guilt over hurting my husband is immense but right now I am nothing- I can barely get thru the day these things weigh on me. I know- whine, whine, whine, but things are what they are. Learner911's revelation that we are not monogamous creatures actually hit me a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, the same biology that gave us the ability to commit also gave us the ability to wonder 'what if' and to realize that life is a one time shot. When you are unhappy, you will remember things according to your current emotional mindset. If you are unhappy in your relationship, you will unconciously validate those feelings by remembering the worst times. It's extremely common. Communication is key. Be blunt with your husband. You want to protect and care for him, but a man needs to know when it's ending. When things are dead, you have to be blunt and honest. The more you hold back, the more your relationship suffers. Funny that you can give that advice to Mendsley, but not take it yourself. If it's over, drop the bomb on your husband so he can move forward with his own life.
monkey77 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 While you are having an affair it is impossible to ascertain whether you could make things work in your marriage. The confusion of someone else being in the picture will ultimately end in doom. If you are serious about trying with your marriage then cut off the affair.
Nomad1 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Minimisethehurt. I want to say something to you that may help inform your decision. See, the reason why so many men end up on LS, and often go through a predictable recurring pattern of denial, disbelief, anger etc. is because of the lack of authenticity on the part of the WS. The barrage of lies, denials and blame that the BS is subjected to perpetuate the turmoil. This, in addition to everything else that he has to contend with as a result of the breakup. The relationship has clearly ended. Children should never be a reason to stay together, not if you feel the way you do. It would be far better to sit your STBXH down and tell him exactly what you said on here. Don't try to protect his ego. Don't be afraid of crushing him. Be authentic! Tell the truth! Your STBXH deserves to start a new, more fulfilled life. You will continue your own journey in pursuit of your own happiness. Own the choices you are making. They are your choices. You have a right to make mistakes. How your life turns out in the future is irrelevant in this. It is your choice, your life. Granted, there are children involved and their lives will never be the same! They are paying for the poor choices you and your STBXH made. You both chose the wrong partner. You can not turn the clock back or suddenly discover mutual liking! Your husband will find the situation difficult to deal with at first, but in the long run, if he makes better choices in his life, he should discover the happiness he deserves. I am not suggesting that his happiness will be predicated on someone else. Happiness which derives from the company of others is short-lived. True happiness comes from within. It is unconditional! Nomad1
Author minimizethehurt Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Well, since I know you are all hanging on my next post... I have agreed to leave for a week (starting Sat night). This is so I can get a break from the girls (ages 9 and 3) since I am an emotional and parental vegetable right now. And also to 'mull things over' whatever that means in such a serious situation for just a week. Have told the oldest that I am away for a sub job (I am a medical professional). Plan to call each night. Have friends who are willing to house me for the week. What can I do to maximize the potential benefit of this time alone (if indeed there is any benefit)?
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