minimizethehurt Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I feel trapped- I am 38 w/40yo husb and 3yo and 9yo girls. I had 3 emotional affairs in 18mos -most that happened was kissing. Husb knows and has forgiven and wants to work on things. I am not sure I do. He is a rare man and father- decent and kind. He loves me and our girls very much. My guilt over potentially ripping out his heart nauseates me. The thought of losing any time w/the girls is terrifying -even 50/50. But I cannot let go of my affair partner whom I genuinely care about a great deal. I am desperate for the elusive SOMETHING to happen to give me a coward's way out of this indecision. The thing I have a hard time getting around in my head is that if my husband were to tell me he suddenly was OK with a split I would probably do it. I am not overtly miserable with this marriage and I feel no significant animosity towards him, I just don't feel strongly about him anymore.
paperchase Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I'm view this board as a place for victims and you are a victimizer in my eyes. You have a good man, but you keep cheating on him. You have young children, but they are not enough to make to remain committed either. You are fond of someone who thinks it prudent to sleep with married women who have children. Ultimately, you will break you man's heart and you are more concerned with how bad that will make you feel than the effect it will have on your husband and children. As a divorcee with two kids myself, it's hard for me to be the list bit sympathetic.
Author minimizethehurt Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 I hear you and what you say is not new to me. What I am trying to do is to hurt the fewest people in the least ways. Regardless of what I have done I need help. I am not in need of sympathy.
PinkOrchid Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 You seem to have a husband who loves you and has forgiven you. You seem to have a husband who is willing to meet your needs emotionally and physically, right? Maybe you can work with him so all of your needs are met in your marriage. With a willing husband (how I would love to have one of those!), I don't see why you would consider leaving, especially since kids are involved. I am not judging you - I am also having an affair, which is my second. I think it is really easy to get wrapped up in the great feeling of being adored, the rush of a new crush, feeling appreciated, etc...all of the things an established relationship may lack. But, you know as well as I do, that all of those great feelings eventually diminish when real life sets in and you have to live day-to-day life together. You have to think about what is most important in life - as do I - and understand what you'd be giving up for your freedom. At this point, I feel I am no longer giving anything up by having an affair - but it sounds like you'd be giving up a lot by leaving your husband.
Gowithflow Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I feel trapped- I am 38 w/40yo husb and 3yo and 9yo girls. I had 3 emotional affairs in 18mos -most that happened was kissing. Husb knows and has forgiven and wants to work on things. I am not sure I do. He is a rare man and father- decent and kind. He loves me and our girls very much. My guilt over potentially ripping out his heart nauseates me. The thought of losing any time w/the girls is terrifying -even 50/50. But I cannot let go of my affair partner whom I genuinely care about a great deal. I am desperate for the elusive SOMETHING to happen to give me a coward's way out of this indecision. The thing I have a hard time getting around in my head is that if my husband were to tell me he suddenly was OK with a split I would probably do it. I am not overtly miserable with this marriage and I feel no significant animosity towards him, I just don't feel strongly about him anymore. Why do you want to cheat? Just communicate your issues to your husband and offer ways to work things out. If it is one sided and he chooses not to participate, then leave each other on decent terms. Otherwise, lying and cheating is asking for added drama for everybody including your kids, plus ultimately makes you a worthless whore. Is that what you really want?
Joker77 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 It's a thread like this that really makes me lose all hope in ever wanting to be in a relationship.
Author minimizethehurt Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 Why is it so hard for most people to get their minds around the fact that even those of us who have cheated (and yes, those of us who have cheated 3 times) can be confused, maddingly hurt, good people? Are things so cut and dry as to be cheater=whore, noncheater=victim?
Gunny376 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Why is it so hard for most people to get their minds around the fact that even those of us who have cheated (and yes, those of us who have cheated 3 times) can be confused, maddingly hurt, good people? Are things so cut and dry as to be cheater=whore, noncheater=victim? IMHO its not so much that as it is most people tend to think in terms of bi-polar logic, unless they stop and give some thought to any given subject at hand. Thus yes or no, black or white, on or off, etc. But most are too busy in their day to day lives to give more than a second's thought to any given subject.
Joker77 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Why is it so hard for most people to get their minds around the fact that even those of us who have cheated (and yes, those of us who have cheated 3 times) can be confused, maddingly hurt, good people? Are things so cut and dry as to be cheater=whore, noncheater=victim? Minimize.....I am not saying you aren't a good person and I'm not calling you a whore at all. I'm just saying that situations like this really scare me about getting into another relationship.
Author minimizethehurt Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 Quite understandable. What scares me the most is that I never imagined myself to ever be in a situation like this, and if I even could, I wouldn't be the one propagating it or causing it. This truly sucks and I don't know what to do. I don't want to crush my husband but long for someone else. Whine whine whine.
Joker77 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Quite understandable. What scares me the most is that I never imagined myself to ever be in a situation like this, and if I even could, I wouldn't be the one propagating it or causing it. This truly sucks and I don't know what to do. I don't want to crush my husband but long for someone else. Whine whine whine. Your description is why it scares me. I'm along the same cloth as your husband. I'm laid back and willing to do whatever for who I am with. Apparently that is not good enough. I'm noticing we are living in an age where people want someone who plays games and treats them like garbage. Those are the idiots who get respect. That is why I'm hesitant to date again.
Navin_R_Johnson Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 When you were married, did your wedding vows say something about remaining true to your husband as long as you both shall live? In sickness and in health, in poverty or in wealth, 'til death do us part? Were the vows made before family, friends, and God? My ex and I did. To me this is VERY black and white. No gray at all. I am not trying to be judgemental, just trying to understand. I never got a *clear* explanation from my ex as to why she wanted out...and many people say to quit expecting to ever understand. But I think I will always wonder why. Much of your previous post sounds just like my ex in the "final days". Confusion. Guilt. Not wanting to hurt the spouse.
lkjh Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Im not sure minimizethehurt is a good person. I know we aren't suppose to come out and say that but a good person would not put their husband and 2 children behind their own personal needs. You need to think about your family and not just yourself. Get rid of the other guy and see if you can work it out with your H. If you can't then divorce him BEFORE finding another man. How are your children suppose to learn about life and relationships when their mother will run around with any guy. I feel really sorry for your kids and H.
Curmudgeon Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 How are your children suppose to learn about life and relationships when their mother will run around with any guy. I feel really sorry for your kids and H. Children learn what they live and that includes lessons on love, commitment, relationship, marriage, duty, honor, vows, fidelity and infidelity, faithfulness and betrayal. How sad that the OP is one of her childrens' teachers about life.
Ratherunique Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Obviously you didn't "RESPECT HIS C$CK" AND HE DIDN'T TAME YOUR C%NT Seriously speaking though....everything you are going through is so characteristic of good ol american culture. It's so easy to get a divorce, cunt's are looking for excitement and cocks are looking for excitement....so the easy way out....DIVORCE AND SEPARATION. Because of relationships like that I am scared of getting married. Hopefully someone got a prenup...I know I wouldn't want to be taken to the cleaners.
Don'tDeserveHerBut Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Quite understandable. What scares me the most is that I never imagined myself to ever be in a situation like this, and if I even could, I wouldn't be the one propagating it or causing it. This truly sucks and I don't know what to do. I don't want to crush my husband but long for someone else. Whine whine whine. I know I have my own problems here....and I have hurt the one I loved with an affair myself, but maybe that's makes me perfect to give my 2 cents. I spent a while wrestling with the OW verses the W, it was a very difficult decision, or so I thought...the wife stayed while I decided (don't know why, I guess she's that special of a woman). Anyway, every relationship when it's new has all of those good feelings that make you feel good...it can seem so much better than your marriage...trust me...I've been where you are. But due to mistakes I made along the way, the W left, and the OW was mine for the taking....problem is, it was that "new relationship" feeling....it wasn't real...the love I felt for my wife was. Now, I severed the OW, and am left alone wishing that my W would come back. It sounds to me like it's not too late to fix it. Do yourself a favor, and fix this before it becomes irreversable...because if it does, I can guarantee you will regret it.
Gunny376 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 When you were married, did your wedding vows say something about remaining true to your husband as long as you both shall live? In sickness and in health, in poverty or in wealth, 'til death do us part? Were the vows made before family, friends, and God? My ex and I did. To me this is VERY black and white. No gray at all. I am not trying to be judgemental, just trying to understand. I never got a *clear* explanation from my ex as to why she wanted out...and many people say to quit expecting to ever understand. But I think I will always wonder why. Much of your previous post sounds just like my ex in the "final days". Confusion. Guilt. Not wanting to hurt the spouse. Don't feel like the Lone Ranger, because if you do? I'm Tonto! Its been eighteen years and to this very day I still don't have a clue as to why I'm divorced from my one and only wife. She told me I had to change, wihtout telling me what changes I needed or had to make? She did say I was a "workaholic" (I was a freaking carrer Marine for crying outloud ~ in the Marine Corps its "can to can't" every single day! Never worked less than 60 hours a week. But its all good now, because I'm retired out of the Corps and as I told my "civie" boss, that I would work OT as required, but I'm not activelly seeking it. Its like a retired Navy buddy of mine told me, "We're just supplementing our welfare checks each month! Or as they said in the movie "Platoon" once your out of tha' s*** ~ its all gravy ~ nothing but pure gravy!" Now that I'm the otherside of divorce? Childrearing, childsupport, Life's got a lot simpler, and I try and keep it that way. I'm all about simple and keeping it real. People get stressed about Christmas, but I've got a couple of simple rules when it comes to XMAS. First! If my name doesn't appear on your birth certificate? (Or your Mama or Daddy's) Don't expect anything from me? If it does? Your getting the same thing you got last year! CASH! The right size, the right color and you can exchange it anywhere for anything! The DGS gets a U.S. Savings bond, he'll appreciate it when he turns 18 and/or goes to college ~ he plays with the boxes the toys come in not the toys themselves!
Gunny376 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I know I have my own problems here....and I have hurt the one I loved with an affair myself' date=' but maybe that's makes me perfect to give my 2 cents. I spent a while wrestling with the OW verses the W, it was a very difficult decision, or so I thought...the wife stayed while I decided (don't know why, I guess she's that special of a woman). Anyway, every relationship when it's new has all of those good feelings that make you feel good...it can seem so much better than your marriage...trust me...I've been where you are. But due to mistakes I made along the way, the W left, and the OW was mine for the taking....problem is, it was that "new relationship" feeling....it wasn't real...the love I felt for my wife was. Now, I severed the OW, and am left alone wishing that my W would come back. It sounds to me like it's not too late to fix it. Do yourself a favor, and fix this before it becomes irreversable...because if it does, I can guarantee you will regret it.[/quote'] FIRST ~ You are flawed, your only human, by definition you're screwed up SECOND ~ Your not perfect THIRD ~ You will never be perfect FOURTH ~ You're never going to be perfect ~ no matter how hard you try! FIFTH ~ NO matter how much you give? It will never be enough! SIXTH ~ There are three kinds of lies! Lies! Damned Lies and Statistics! Seventh! "If for nothing else? God loves you!" Eighth ~ Once your parents have passed on? You're pretty much on your on! Niength ~ Complete and total self acceptance with all your flaws is a bitch! But once obtained is a blessing! Tenth ~ "Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!" Elevenith ~ The definiation of the word "IF' 'If grasshoppers had forty-five caliber pistols? Crows wounld't **** with them! Don't you see it? Those of you going through it? You're being way too hard on yourselvies! Quit beating yourself up
pelicanpreacher Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Keep on planting the seeds of resentment in your garden of eden and soon enough you get more than you prayed for. Up until now, OP, through sheer will of forgiveness your husband has taken on the mighty task of pulling up roots in the jungle you wrought but there will come a time when his hands are too blistered and bloody to keep trying anymore. When his worm turns it'll turn forever so continue the path you tread and one day you'll look around and find your life turned into a parking lot! Maybe a quick listen will help you understand what awaits you .... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueVpCfPAog4
Sandy22 Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 It all boils down to being content with what you have. If you cannot reach to that point where you are content with your life and the way it is going?? then you will continue to cheat. Think about all the good things you have. Now that's a start!
Author minimizethehurt Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 I feel nothing. I have attempted (again) to end it with my AP. I miss him terribly, I am so sad to not be with him. I have no interest in my girls, no interest in my husband (who unexplicably still wants me). There is no way I can work on my marriage while I miss AP so much. No interest in anything at all. I exist moment to moment. Am in conuseling, on meds. Should I separate just to stop being a dead weight mother and wife? I can't view this as ever ending.
TrustInYourself Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 You miss the chemical high of the affair. You miss the sense of secrecy, you miss the intense pleasure and romance of this forbidden relationship. You want the thrills and excitement, minus the confinement of marriage, the daily doldrums. What you lack is an understanding of what you have. What you long for, is that which is unattainable and wrong. Here is a realization, only an affair will bring you. You had it all before the affair. Once it's gone, it's gone for good. There is no going back and for you to realize what a good man you have/had, you'll have to lose his love completely. That is the sad fact. By that time, you will be struggling to erase the doldrums and day to day expectations. You will be looking to swing to the next man to excite and delight your romantic perceptions of what love is. I'm sorry, grown ups make love lasting and evolve that love to increase passion and care. Only in fantasy land do affairs lead to meaningful relationships. The only way for you to realize that, is to take the plunge, lose it all, lose your family, lose yourself in your romantic idealism until you come crashing to earth with the realizations that real love is more than chemicals. But enjoy those chemicals. By the way, you want to minimize the hurt. Communicate your feelings with your husband, not this other man. Communicate with him bluntly, openly 100%. Force him to understand your lack of feelings. Be honest. Be real. Be honest with yourself. You want to tear up your family. But don't lie to yourself. Don't continue to live a lie. Because you just do not have the maturity to evolve and change in a life long relationship. You can blame your past, your parents, your life for that. But you are the one making choices. So make a choice.
NYCmitch25 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I'd love to tell you to just cut the cord because it's not only bogging you down but everyone else involved -- but I wonder what has really put you in this place ? What is it that you fail to see in your hubby -- what can this other guy possibly bring to the table besides 'newness' ? Seemingly, it's more about you are feeling other pressures coming from within -- I'd be concerned that you may not actually find what you are looking for -- learning this after destroying your present life beyond all repair. To me, you have become depressed for some reason, do you feel tired all the time, forgetful or dislike the any of the things you once loved ? Hubby's included ? Seems like you need to do more explaining... of course all you wanted was the green light to move on but honestly, it's not apparent that you should..
learner911 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I feel trapped- I am 38 w/40yo husb and 3yo and 9yo girls. I had 3 emotional affairs in 18mos -most that happened was kissing. Husb knows and has forgiven and wants to work on things. I am not sure I do. He is a rare man and father- decent and kind. He loves me and our girls very much. My guilt over potentially ripping out his heart nauseates me. The thought of losing any time w/the girls is terrifying -even 50/50. But I cannot let go of my affair partner whom I genuinely care about a great deal. I am desperate for the elusive SOMETHING to happen to give me a coward's way out of this indecision. The thing I have a hard time getting around in my head is that if my husband were to tell me he suddenly was OK with a split I would probably do it. I am not overtly miserable with this marriage and I feel no significant animosity towards him, I just don't feel strongly about him anymore. Some thoughts I'm having. My wife left me more or less for the same reasons as you. So here is what I have to say. Something most people don't realize is that humans are biologically not made to be with only one person. That's why men look/drewl at woman, etc. and woman do also look - they just never get caught. The thing that keeps people from just looking and not acting is commitment. If people could understand that as humans with sexual needs not being made to be with just one partner for life then this alone can solve many problems. My wife told me that she was not 'in love' anymore. The excitement, thrills, good feelings, etc. was gone. During our marriage I knew she was unhappy but I didn't think it was our marriage - later I found that it was. If I knew it was our marriage and that she was planning on leaving I think I could have saved things. In my early twenties I used to meet a girl. Fall in love and would even think about her all day - it felt like I could run around the house all day shouting out her name. I'd be totally infatuated. Waking up in the mornings and thinking of my beatiful girlfriend even made colors brighter - lit up my life. Maybe this is what you are after? - with some hormones in the mix it may just add fuel to the fire. This is what my wife was after. No sense of commitment/principles - just chasing after feelings that will go up and down in a marraige no matter what. Highs and lows there will surely be - feelings in a marriage are never constant but with a positive attitude it can be high more than the lows. It is a fact that relationships have their ups and downs. Being negative about it will keep you in a slump. Blaming your partner because you are not happy or because you are not infatuated or feel swept off your feet is no way to solve your own unhappiness. Your happiness starts with yourself. Maybe a new husband will solve this for you but I can guarantee with total certainty that you will have ups and downs and be chasing the feelings that you crave. Maybe then you will have the sense not to take the helpless attitude to become negative and get back into the same slump and have some more affairs. Maybe solving your problem would be to do something about it and work on yourself and your marriage. Communicate clearly with your husband what you need - put resentments to rest - become positive - work on yourself. When you meet some one's needs in a relationship and expect nothing in return they automatically try their best to meet yours. If your husband is a good guy he will do anything for you including making you happy but your happiness starts with yourself.
Author minimizethehurt Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 I am just so afraid that I never truly loved him- it took me 48 hours to get back to him after his proposal and even during my engagement had an emotional affair. I was never head over heels in love- remember feeling a lot the way I do now (ambivalent) rying to decide whether to marry this wonderful man or not. It seems like all the other marriages I read and hear about at least start with fireworks and chemicals. And just as an aside, who is to say that APs can't be legitimate partners (IOW someone truly worth it; more than just hormones.). This man knows and adores my children, we share a huge interest/hobby and would participate in it often, and, never having had sex, have quite a level of non-physical attachment. Does that say anything?
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