LEANER1 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Hi all. I've never done this before and just need to vent. To start, I caught my wife cheating a few months back and wound up forgiving her. I'm sure she is still in contact with the guy she cheated with but denies it. My issue is that not only do I still love her but I promised her that I would not say anything to anyone, we live in a small town. I have kept my promise, but it is eating me up inside. We just celebrated Christmas today and I was actually depressed because of the thought of not spending another holiday season with her family. Inlaws, niece, nephew, and everyone else are the greatest. We are supposed to start counseling soon and she says things will be ok, but it just doesn't feel right. I have sat down with my thoughts and tried to rationalize things but I can't see the forest through the trees. I am very depressed and find it hard to get a good nights sleep. I know I'm reaching for something but do not know what...............
PinkOrchid Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 LEANER1, I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I'm glad you're going to counseling soon. I am not the best person to respond to your post, since my situation is really messed up. I do wish you and your wife the best.
lkjh Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Why cover for her if she is still up to it. If you let her control the situations she will end up leaving you and make everyone think you are the reason for the divorce.
Gowithflow Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Don't trust her. Tap your phone. $100 at radio shack. Beware though because you will find that the truth does hurt. Never tell her about the tap. Never.
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Get a keylogger and install it on the computer. Watch her cell phone activity..Hopefully you can get that info online through your phone company. Can I ask what she is doing to regain your trust again? Has she given you full access to her email account, given you the password so you can check up on her anytime you feel the need to? Is she sorry and remorseful about her cheating? How long was the affair, and was it someone she worked/works with? Listen to your gut, chances are if you feel they are still in contact, then they are. SHE needs to feel consquences to change her ways so don't let her bully you into keeping this quiet and not telling anyone. Your friends and family should be your support system, she can't ask you to keep things quiet for her sake. SHE is the one who is selfish and chose to cheat. Marriage counselling is a must and hopefully she is working on herself as well to understand why she would betray you in the worst way. Whatever problems that were on going in the marriage isn't a justification for her to cheat.
Author LEANER1 Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 Thank you everyone for your replies. I am looking forward to counseling in the hopes that things will get better. I also never thought about the fact that she has no consequences for her actions. I have been way too lenient with her. I was feeling like maybe it was my fault. The fact that she has not 'paid' for her ways is tearing me up inside, only because me being quiet about it has been tearing my health, sleep, stomach, and everything else apart. I can barely think straight and it's not even my fault. I would say we had problems like every other couple, but nothing out of the ordinary. It actually feels good to at least type out some of my thoughts so if you do read this, please feel free to post and I will definitely reply. As far as her communications go, I can always have phone records subponeaed in court. I do not want to be driven to do anything illegal or immoral, I'm trying to be the better person.
wuggle Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 My advice, DON'T get a keylogger, DON'T trace her calls, DON'T start tracing her every move, DON'T re-inforce the mistrust and pain. She is your wife, you love her, she messed up. Talk, calmly and openly try not to let the hurt make you say things that just make things worse, try to be patient. You say that your are going to go to counselling but things dont 'feel' right, gut instinct is often (but not always) a good guide. Look at the most likely reasons for the feelings, if she is still seeing the other person, then the best way to find this out for sure is by talking to her in an open, unjudgemental way. If she says she is then you need to discuss this further, if you both still love each other then she has to agree to stop seeing the other person and you both have a long road to try to fix the damage done. If when you talk she convinces you that she is already no longer seeing the other person and that she wants to work on fixing things then I suggest you accept the possibility that your gut feelings might be wrong, after an infidelity your feelings, logic and everything else can be totally screwed up. Regarding the request you wife made for you not to mention your problems to other people, i think this is ok, it doesn't mean she is controlling anything, think about it, I'm sure she has which is why she asked this of you, why should you air your problems around joint friends and family, if things go well then they needn't ever know, if they go badly then tell them when things are more finalised, last thing you need in situations like this is people close to you sticking thier oar in, well meant or not. No matter what happens in the future I would suggest three things. First, try to stay calm, so much damage is done by people lashing out when they are hurt. Secondly, remember that you love her. If you both want to fix your marriage you will need this love, if not it would be better to part and still keep some of it, so many people end up bitter, twisted and hating thier ex, why ? , and lastly remember that marriages can and do survive this all the time, it takes a lot of hard work, honesty and you will feel a lot of pain, but if you love each other .....
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 My advice, DON'T get a keylogger, DON'T trace her calls, DON'T start tracing her every move But he has a feeling that she still is seeing or intouch with the OM. HE needs to do this for his own sanity..Because otherwise his wife IS gaslighting him. She probably thinks he's overreacting and paranoid, meanwhile the whole time she's still in contact with this other guy.. It isn't for legal reasons, it's so he can check up on her whenever he wants to and know that she isn't cheating on him anymore. This woman hurt him in the worst way and SHE needs to be accountable of her actions and feel consquences. She can't just go out and about without checking in with him because HE will think the worst case senario. She messed up, she has to live by new rules until their marriage is on better ground. And, from what he's said so far, she is STILL calling the shots, not really proving to him that she's worthy of his trust again.
Author LEANER1 Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 Like I said, nothing illegal or immoral. I still have to live with myself and look in the mirror everyday. Coming to the realization that there have not been consequences is really a wake up call. I am stuck so deep in this BS that I can't even see straight. She really does have the upper hand. I forgave her right after I caught her cheating and actually fell asleep with her in my arms, after I made her take a shower. Maybe I just don't know the boundaries of love, if there are any. I have no problem with commitment or showing emotion, its actually great. I am really having a problem when it is not reciprocated, like now. She actually drank last night and thought we were going to have sex.........until I turned her down. She definitely did not like that but I just did not feel 'it'. I still find her attractive but the fact that she still talks (I think) to the other guy tears me up inside. God, this is really good therapy............
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Well, you should go to see a counsellor on your own as well as marriage counselling together. There is a problem, you've been too nice and she knows how to push you around. Mr Nice guy in this situation won't win her back. She is fully aware that you've forgiven her, and now probably knows you aren't checking up on her, what is there to stop her from continuing her affair? Does she work with this guy? Is he a friend?
wuggle Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I stand by my advice, don't compound the mistrust. You said you want to be a better person so talk to her. Yes you might feel she is still in contact with the other person, and you might be right, but get her to admit this, don't find out for sure by spying. It sounds like you are leaning towards the side that wants to punish her and see her suffer and be made to pay for her actions, perfectly normal human behaviour but I don't think in the long term that will make you a better or happier person. I don't think this should be about her being made to pay, and to say there are no consequences is just wrong, there are already and certainly will be in the future, I'm sure she knows that. I also doubt she feels she has the upper hand. If she fell aslep in your arms the other day I think it's a safe bet she still has strong feelings for you and is probably just as messed up as you are. Re the not wanting sex, I can understand that. You brain is all twisted up in pain, No wonder you don't want to, but dont turn that into a weapon against her. It isn't a case of you being too nice and her having the upper hand, I bet she is hurting just as much as you are. To counter those who would have you spy and become bitter and twisted, IMO it's really quite simple. If you love her, accept the pain you are feleing, try not to 'bounce' it back onto her, an eye for an eye really doesn't make anyone better. Try to talk and deal with the problems that led to this in an adult way and see if you can fix this, but If you no longer love her then leave, divorce etc but in the least hurtful way you can. That is the way to be a better person.
guttedandconfused Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I wouldnt spend the money on the phone tap. At the end of the day you have your suspiciions and there is no smoke without fire. I suspected my husband was withholding some valuable truths from me so I checked his emails and have found out with some degree of certainty he is seeing other men behind my back. And advertising himself on swingers sites as being single and up for fun. What a slap in the face that was. However, I am glad I found out. things were over anyway, but to be honest it gave me a sort of peace about my decision. And I am alot calmer now. I can sit and deal with what I have to deal with to get rid of him. Let me tell you though, when I first found out I was beside myself with anger and rage. I phoned one of my friends and I could hardly speak. My husband was away for the weekend (thinking - Yea, my a$$) and had he come through the door after I found the mails I would have ripped him limb from limb. However, with a good nite sleep and some good advice from friends (most of which I ignored but should have listened to) I was able to take a step back and start to look at things in a more organised controlled way. And I do still love him. In some way, I will alwyas love him. We have been married 10 years. However the truth of the situation is at the minute that even though I love him and will always do anything for him, I know he is lying and that has eroded any sort of foundation for reconciliation in my books. I know we can all be paranoid at times and insecure, especially when things are going badly but if you have suspicions I would say in my experience its because you know the truth you just dont want to accept the truth. For me, finding out the truth was a good thing. For you, it could be something completely different. Do what you need to do for you. Nobody likes to see a marriage breakdown, however if that marriage is eating you up, then maybe its time for you to start protecting yourself. I wish I had protected myself long before I did. Good luck with the counselling and help. I felt like a weak failure when I started mine, how was it that a grown adult couldnt cope with a little life situation that everyone else seems so capable of dealing with? The truth of the matter is if you have the bollocks to get yourself to the counsellor you are on the road to fixing you. Best of luck and keep posting and reading other peoples experiences. they gave me an incredible amount of comfort and wisdom to help me through.
Author LEANER1 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Thanks again for listening to my rants but it help. We wound up having a good day today but the feelings of mistrust run sooo deep it is really hard for me to enjoy my time at all. I still love her and am attracted to her but the mistrust and lies are killing me. Every time she gets or sends a text or gets a call on her cell I am always wondering........ She will usually say that its a girlfriend from work or something simple but I think I know better. I think this is the week the **** will hit the fan. I am going to try and see a lawyer this week to see where I stand. For doing nothing wrong but give unconditional love I would hope the justice system would work in my favor. I'm definitely not out to screw her, I'm sure I could have done that already, but I don't want to be the one to get the short end of the stick. Until next time.............
signedin2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I am going to be honest with you: 1) You're weak. Yes, I said it. Finding out that you wife slept with some other dude and give her no consequences and forgive her on the spot and turning a blind eye on her continue affair/talk/text with this dude only show how weak you are. 2) Get STD test! She might have cheated on you with other men. This guy she's having an affair with might have a STD or have one tomorrow when he sleeps with another married woman or another single woman or a whore. 3) You need to protect yourself finanically, physically, spiritually! What does that say about your as a person, a man, a husband who does nothing after finding out that his wife slept with another man and do nothing to stop the affair including the minimum which is expose her affair to EVERYONE she respect including her parents, employer, uncle, sister, best friends, etc. 4) Ask yourself, what are you afraid of? Why are you staying with some woman who sleeps around? Don't you have any self-esteem, self-respect? 5) I am tired. Open for anyone who wants to continue with 5 and beyond.
Author LEANER1 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 You are right. I am most worried about losing my marriage. I respect it alot. I told my wife before we got married that the only thing between a husband and wife that should never be shared is sex and the trust that they should have for one another. Like I said in my last post, I am going to see a lawyer this week. I have no interest in outing my wife if there is even a chance we can make it work. God forbid that it does not worjk out, I'm sure i would still keep it a secret unless it had to be brought up in the divorce. I am looking forward to tomorrow, the ball will start rolling one way or the other.
saddy Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I feel sorry for you... Since you've responded to my post, you know that I've been through this a few month ago. It hurts, that's for sure. And I am sorry to tell you that, but there is no way everthing is going to be the same as before... I mean she cheated on you, she broke your trust and this cannot be forgotten that easily. If you cannot trust her, imagine how you're going to feel next time she'll tell you that she got to work late? And do you think you'll be willing not to cheat on her if you got an opportunity? I mean, why not doing that since she did that herself? But if you do that, what kind of marriage is this? ... I've been thinking a lot about these questions when I discovered my wife was having an affair. I've been watching her phone bills and discovered she was calling the same number again and again, after work hours, usually just before coming back home.When she had to work late, I was imagining them together. I've been doing that for a while and everytime I saw she had called him again, it was like cold blade in my heart. Yes, I guess it's best for you be sure if she's still seeing this man. At least you'll know... But don't forget to ask you the right questions: Do you think your marriage has a future? Do you think you can work on that and forgive her? Right now, you're in a rush, you're just trying to save your marriage at any price because it represents your entire world and it's very scary to imagine a divorce. When it happened to me, I felt so weak that I think I would have accepted anything she would have asked me, just to keep her close to me... But this is not the way you'll keep her. You've got to be strong man! What kind of woman would love a man that does everything she wants? If you think you can forgive her and you really want to save your marriage, the only thing you can do is to give the choice: either you or this man. Give her a deadline, maybe one week or two... I know it's hard because the decision is up to her. Don't forget to think about what is best for YOU. Don't try to save your marriage at any price if you are not sure it has a future. And don't feel responsible: she's going to tell you that it's your fault if she has been in an affair. But come on, a couple is 2 persons, not just you! If she wasn't able to talk to you before this happened, she's got her responsibily as well! Be strong my friend
Gowithflow Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Your scenario is not unique. When this happens there is not much you can do other than be ready for things to get worse. she will want you for a friend, and even tell you how bad it hurts to have done this to you,(as she proceeds to keep doing it), or worse yet, deny everything while it continues and make you even madder when you find out the truth. Either way, i'm sure you are aware that the chances of your marriage survival is weak at best. And tell everyone about the affair no matter what. Expose. If you have kids then you have a reason to maybe work it out. I have friends that have survived their ordeal by stopping the affair 100 percent and then not dwelling on it. This is impossible if the affair is continuing in any way, shape, or form.
Author LEANER1 Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Well, thanks to all of the advice and support from everyone, I have taken the first step and spoke to a lawyer. She said I should come out ok if there winds up being a divorce. Counseling is definitely the route I want to go but if it comes down to it I at least have some peace of mind knowing that I will not loose my shirt. I truly thank everyone for the input and allowing me to vent my situation, it really helps. I will still post because it helps to pass the time, ease the pain, and I am finding that I like to help people in similar situations. leaner
Author LEANER1 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 I am in need of advice. If you have read the rest of this post then you know the story. I am not sure if I should be with my wife tomorrow night or be with my friends at a bar. She has to work and it is not a problem for me to be there at midnight. I just am unsure if I should be there. Just another choice I never thought I would have to make. Any response is appreciated.............. leaner
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 If there is still a chance for your marriage, then be there. Show your wife that you are prepared to put this year behind you and look to the future. I am speaking as somebody who had an affair and my husband and I are now (slowly) recovering from that. You being with her at midnight might help her in that she can see you have not totally given up on her.
livingthrudying Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 my experience with cheaters has been, once a cheater always a cheater. I know that sounds cliche, but every woman i have been with (including my current soon to be ex wife) that has cheated and i forgave her they have done it again. Maybe its not true for oyu and your wife but its been my experience and i wish i had listened to that advice 4 years ago!
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