tassle01 Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Hi, After reading and re-reading tons of self help books and speaking to friends and family regarding my situation in this forum, while I always read the threads has become my last resort. I really hope you can offer some constructive criticism. Here's my story ... 5 years ago I met a man in college. We dated for two years until he moved away due to work to Europe and we continued to date for the 1 year of long distance. While we did have a rocky relationship, I really was so in love with him ... and still am. We broke up after the long distance became to much too handle and I began calling him and checking up on him constantly. I really was losing my mind. It has been two years since we broke up and sadly to say I am still not over him at all. We have seen each other and been together physically since the breakup, numerous times in the times he was back in the USA. In these two years, I have called him everyday, yes. Not once a day, but 5,10,15 times a day. He tells me he hates how I always bring up the future and need to stop because he can't make any guarantees to me. True, but what am I supposed to do, sit and wait? He has become very cruel and mean to me since I have been getting on his nerves and not giving him a moment to breathe. I do recognize that my calling habits are out of hand but I am afraid to lose him in the process of going NC. (WHICH I HAVE NEVER DONE FOR FEAR OF LOSING HIM FOREVER) I know how much it is advocated for on this site, but I really am afraid. Last week I spoke to him and he said he would give us another chance but he thinks we should stop talking for a while, I agreed, but called the next day despite our agreement. It is just too hard and scary for me to think that going NC will make him forever forget about me. Lately, he doesn't return my phone calls or even pick up the phone on me and he doesn't ever initiate the phone calls. I am always trying to mend things and am always the first one to make the effort to possibly fix things. It hasn't worked. Am I beating on a dead horse? Should I let him go and see if he comes back as they say? Please help me ... I don't know what to do anymore even though it is pretty obvious that I have been doing the same thing for two years and it hasn't worked so I need a new plan. By the way, I should mention in these two years I have dated 2 other men fairly seriously for a few months, but HE was still always on my mind and I was always secretly calling him and thinking about him even when I was with the other men. Now he tells me that I've "pissed him off" and that I need to stop trying make things work and he is going to start ignoring me if I don't stop calling. It really makes me feel awful about myself to hear that. I love him, I would do anything for him even though he treats me badly and puts me down. What else is there left to do? Please help ... sorry about the long post.
Yamaha Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 If you loose him you don't really have him. You need to believe in yourself and that you deserve someone that wants to be with you, along with a healthy dose of self-esteem.
mortensorchid Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 The only way to get over someone is to submerge yourself in other activities, whether it's hobbies or your career or organizations or your education. And you also must date others. It doesn't matter if you meet losers or gems, it helps you. These things will take the focus off of yourself and give you other things to think about. Find yourself a project. The reason you are so obsessed with this man far away is because you don't have enough things to occupy your time. We naturally will think about that other person - because there's nothing else for us to think about. And we think about our hurts, but we don't see another person for who they really are or what they really want from us. I wish you best of luck for this situation, it sounds like this second chance (if it happens) will be rocky.
Author tassle01 Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 I have taken upon so many activities outside of my regular life which believe it or not is so busy you would think I have not one minute to think of him. But he is always there, its like a nightmare. I know that I have the strength to move on and be without him ... for now. That is what I am most scared of, losing him forever. Do you think it is worth going NC not just for my own mental and emotional health but to see his response ... and see if there is a chance for reconciliation. You are right, a second chance would be rocky but I am willing to do just about anything for it ... I just don't know at this point what I should do or how I should act to make that possibility a reality in the future...
xpaperxcutx Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I have taken upon so many activities outside of my regular life which believe it or not is so busy you would think I have not one minute to think of him. But he is always there, its like a nightmare. I know that I have the strength to move on and be without him ... for now. That is what I am most scared of, losing him forever. Do you think it is worth going NC not just for my own mental and emotional health but to see his response ... and see if there is a chance for reconciliation. You are right, a second chance would be rocky but I am willing to do just about anything for it ... I just don't know at this point what I should do or how I should act to make that possibility a reality in the future... I think you need to see a therapist. If you can find a counselor to help you a bit with your codependency you'll realize you can live without him. I have the same problem as you, except I don't call my ex 20 times a day, although I can't stop thinking about him. I tell myself all the time I can forget him, but sometimes I wondered if letting go was the best thing I could do. Yes, it's scary to think that going NC would mean losing him forever, but if you don't learn to let go, you're only losing yourself.
Eve Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I read somewhere that we all have at least one obsessive relationship within our lifetime. I think that you are presently having your turn! It seems as though you have tried everything but maybe its more about how long you try for? I would advise that you give yourself one hour where you think entirely about this person per day. Do this the same time everyday and at all other times get on with your life. For some reason this has got out of hand.. its almost as though you suffer with anxiety of some sort and calling this person eases the anxiety it. The constant contact is not healthy though. I bet he is turning you down a lot and still you call. This is a very bad sign honey. At least you have friends and family close by. I dont know how you feel about seeing a therapist. I have to have regular counselling sessions as part of my working role and so think everyone should see a counsellor at least once a month! but not everyone is open to viewing their feelings. Maybe it would help or at least make good use of the time you spend thinking about this person. Also, you could be straining relationships if you speak about this other person all the time so a therapist could help you to create a space whereby you think without acting on your thoughts. Give yourself time, maybe you will just get bored one day and stop calling? Your telephone bill must be huge! I was obsessed with a guy once but became bored and stopped calling him after a couple of months. Thinking back he wasnt even that hott. I was pretty lonely at the time though. Regards,Eve xx
stillafool Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Hi, After reading and re-reading tons of self help books and speaking to friends and family regarding my situation in this forum, while I always read the threads has become my last resort. I really hope you can offer some constructive criticism. Here's my story ... 5 years ago I met a man in college. We dated for two years until he moved away due to work to Europe and we continued to date for the 1 year of long distance. While we did have a rocky relationship, I really was so in love with him ... and still am. We broke up after the long distance became to much too handle and I began calling him and checking up on him constantly. I really was losing my mind. It has been two years since we broke up and sadly to say I am still not over him at all. We have seen each other and been together physically since the breakup, numerous times in the times he was back in the USA. In these two years, I have called him everyday, yes. Not once a day, but 5,10,15 times a day. He tells me he hates how I always bring up the future and need to stop because he can't make any guarantees to me. True, but what am I supposed to do, sit and wait? He has become very cruel and mean to me since I have been getting on his nerves and not giving him a moment to breathe. I do recognize that my calling habits are out of hand but I am afraid to lose him in the process of going NC. (WHICH I HAVE NEVER DONE FOR FEAR OF LOSING HIM FOREVER) I know how much it is advocated for on this site, but I really am afraid. Last week I spoke to him and he said he would give us another chance but he thinks we should stop talking for a while, I agreed, but called the next day despite our agreement. It is just too hard and scary for me to think that going NC will make him forever forget about me. Lately, he doesn't return my phone calls or even pick up the phone on me and he doesn't ever initiate the phone calls. I am always trying to mend things and am always the first one to make the effort to possibly fix things. It hasn't worked. Am I beating on a dead horse? Should I let him go and see if he comes back as they say? Please help me ... I don't know what to do anymore even though it is pretty obvious that I have been doing the same thing for two years and it hasn't worked so I need a new plan. By the way, I should mention in these two years I have dated 2 other men fairly seriously for a few months, but HE was still always on my mind and I was always secretly calling him and thinking about him even when I was with the other men. Now he tells me that I've "pissed him off" and that I need to stop trying make things work and he is going to start ignoring me if I don't stop calling. It really makes me feel awful about myself to hear that. I love him, I would do anything for him even though he treats me badly and puts me down. What else is there left to do? Please help ... sorry about the long post. Are you an Aries? I hate to say this but if I was him I would change my phone number. You aren't just pushing him away you are running him away from you. Why do you keep chasing someone who does not show the same interest in you? The only suggestion I have is to STOP calling this guy. But I know you won't.
Author tassle01 Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 Everything you've all said is right on point. My family is really urging me to see a therapist but I feel as though I don't want to because has this man really driven me to such a point where I need to seek professional help? Does that make sense? I guess my pride has the best of me. Well, what pride? Since there is obviously none when it comes to him. Actually, he himself told me to speak to a therapist. You know, everything negative and hurtful that he says to me I make myself believe he doesn't mean it or is being vindictive. I know I need to move on and not even have any hopes with him for the future. I have always been a very strong and independent person and he has just shattered all the walls I've built for so many years and crawled into my heart, now I have yet to figure out how to get him out!!! I realize I am pushing him away, I am just terrified, and really ... terrified that if I give up ... he will too, forever. And even when he returns from Europe next year, I will be waiting for his call, and if it never comes I just know I will be destroyed ...
Author tassle01 Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 Does anyone think that I should go NC as a means to see how he will react / getting him back? OR will that not work??
MadBambi Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Girl, you sound like me! For whatever reason I just can't shake a certain man out of my mind! I've made progress and things but he sneaks into my thoughts still every once in a while and if not my thoughts - my dreams!! Anyhow the point is a guy friend of mine gave me a book a few days ago. It's called "The Secret of Letting Go" by Guy Finley. I haven't gotten very far however i can tell it's an awesome book and is going to prove very helpful. It has already in just the couple days i've been reading it. "suffering now so that you can be happy in the future makes as much sense as throwing yourself overboard so that later you can feel the relief about being rescued" Good luck - take care! " Good luck take care
Author tassle01 Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 SO how are you getting over him? Are you saying hoping for something in the future is useless and to just move on? thanks.
Author tassle01 Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 i am on the verge of calling him. probably to be met with a hangup or no answer at all. i want to get over this, but don't know how. please help, any suggestions?
Perry Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Can't help someone who won't help him/herself.
Star Gazer Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I don't always advocate this, but in all honesty, it's worked for me nearly every time: The best way to get OVER someone is to get UNDER someone else. In other words, date (and have sex with) someone else.
allina Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I don't always advocate this, but in all honesty, it's worked for me nearly every time: The best way to get OVER someone is to get UNDER someone else. In other words, date (and have sex with) someone else. I actually agree with this, mostly. It's not that the presence of a new man replaces the old one or rids all the hurt. But getting out there and realizing that there are other quality men out there eases the despair and the feeling that you'll never met anyone as good as the ex. Though I've always made it a point to take my time and be single after a breakup, seeing that there are lovable men out there has always helped me get back on my feet.
mortensorchid Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 Yes, certainly. Get UNDER someone to take your mind off him. Even if you never see that rebound person again, it will give you a sense of satisfaction that you are able to attract at least one new person. Don't settle for any old dummy that comes along, make sure you're at least attracted to them on a base level. But it helps. Then, see a therapist and vent this to the therapist.
Star Gazer Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 I actually agree with this, mostly. It's not that the presence of a new man replaces the old one or rids all the hurt. But getting out there and realizing that there are other quality men out there eases the despair and the feeling that you'll never met anyone as good as the ex. Though I've always made it a point to take my time and be single after a breakup, seeing that there are lovable men out there has always helped me get back on my feet. The OP has taken 2 years to be single after the breakup. I think she deserves some good lovin' and attention from some worthwhile suitors. But you're right... It's not so much that a new guy takes away the pain, but they remind you that there are other fish in the sea and you are still as desirable as you were pre-ex.
Author tassle01 Posted December 27, 2008 Author Posted December 27, 2008 i have a man in my life who is so caring, loving and sweet who i have been with sexually but i still feel dirty/am thinking about my ex constantly when i am with him. sure, he helps me get my mind of the ex, but not in a healtyh way. i can be with him having a great time and come home and be on the verge of dialing the ex's #. the rebound hasn't really helped, there have actually been two ... and it's been two years since the ex and i have not been "together". what can i do in respect to the ex, i want to feel like maybe there can be and will be a second chance in the future ... anything??? thanks a million ...
xpaperxcutx Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 i have a man in my life who is so caring, loving and sweet who i have been with sexually but i still feel dirty/am thinking about my ex constantly when i am with him. sure, he helps me get my mind of the ex, but not in a healtyh way. i can be with him having a great time and come home and be on the verge of dialing the ex's #. the rebound hasn't really helped, there have actually been two ... and it's been two years since the ex and i have not been "together". what can i do in respect to the ex, i want to feel like maybe there can be and will be a second chance in the future ... anything??? thanks a million ... Because of your fixation on your ex, you're unable to pursue any sort of healthy relationship with any other men. Your ex is like a baggage that you're unwilling to give up on. Therefore you can't open yourself up to new prospects with other people. I really recommend you see a therapist about your co dependency on your ex. Sometimes talking to an expert about your feelings and emotions can help open your mind to why you're holding on to the past. Remember that unless you learn to let go of the past you can't move on with the future.
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