ways to reject someone without hurting them

[mortensorchid]

I believe that honesty is the best policy. Even if you are not attached to anyone, are not really gay, etc., simply tell that person "Thank you, I am very flattered, but I am simply not interested. I don't think we're a match." If they press, they are showing their insecurity. Just say to them that it's just a gut feeling you have. If they find out otherwise, they will accuse you of lying. Honesty is the best policy in this situation, especially if it's someone you just met or have had one get together with.

[RecordProducer]

And what is your advice in knowing ones "league"?

Do you ask friends or randomly ask people who don't know you? You probably would get a more accurate answer from the strangers.

Despite of all the attempts to logically define "league," it's another type of "chemistry" ie., one's intimate perception of self and others. That's why it's very important to know your "value" on the dating market, so that you don't under/over-estimate yourself. Also there are different categories of leagues.

 

No, you wouldn't get more accurate answers from strangers. My husband was married to a junky, white-trash partygirl from inner city, chronically unemployed, who dropped school before high school (she finished it later) - and she's his age. He, on the other hand, is a super-intelligent, successful, witty, multi-talented man from a good, well-educated Jewish family. She was way below his league in every sense and nobody can tell me that just because she's hot, she deserved someone like HIM.

[Isolde]

The rejectee MUST know that they are rejected.

 

I agree.

 

In a weird way, being flat-out rejected is almost more helpful than being strung along by someone for a few weeks and then have them ignore your emails etc.

 

It teaches you about what types to avoid and what types might be better for you.

 

Not to say this is all based on types--but there are general correlations, just like with employment searching, that if better understood, could help in future dating.

[Isolde]

That's why it's very important to know your "value" on the dating market

 

To an extent, yes, but people can't necessarily be defined by mathematical formulae; many people are dynamic and change a lot anyway.

 

I'm not sure I believe that leagues = chemistry. Many people date under or above their so called league but that may be what works for them, though I do agree that dating people more similar to you in terms of looks, educational experience, etc etc is generally more successful.

[Star Gazer]

Also, what one person finds is a deal-breaker, might be what another person finds incredibly attractive. Hopefully, your common sense and self-knowledge, can get you out of any rut from rejection.

 

Precisely. The OP's list doesn't contain universal deal-breakers. In fact, many people - if they were interested/naive/cared/open-minded (depending on the "rule breaker") enough, would over look the items he suggests.

 

1. Tell them you are happily married and don't want to ruin a marriage that you worked hard for.

 

2. Just say you have a boyfriend/girlfriend that you love very much. I guess this goes along with # 1.

 

You obviously haven't seen the Infidelity and/or OW/OM forums.

 

3. Tell them you are gay.

 

Straight people fall in unrequited love with gay people more often than you'd think. Many men think lesbianism is a choice, and think they can make her change her mind.

 

4. Tell her that you live with your parents.

 

This wouldn't pose a deal-breaker to MANY people.

 

5. Tell her that you are going to become a monk and that it is against your religion to date.

 

Hope the woman isn't someone seeking a challenge!

 

6. Tell her that you suffer from bipolar depression.

 

Sooooo many people do though, and it can be managed with meds.

 

7. Tell her that you have an incurable STD.

 

So long as it's not one of the two lethal ones, I know plenty of people who would overlook this as well.

 

In essence, none of these are guaranteed and may still give the rejectee false hope. In addition, what if word gets out about your lie? What if the rejectee is out with a random acquaintance, and you walk into the bar. "Oh, he's cute," the acquaintance says. "Oh, yeah. But he's married, gay, biopolar, AND has herpes!" Then the acquaintance is out at a dinner party that you happen to attend as well. The host says, "Oh, he's cute." And the acquaintances passes on what she knows...

 

Lying does you no favors.

 

Real men (and women) are honest without being hurtful.

[Ross PK]

This is interesting. Is it worth it to be direct and blunt with someone in order to help them improve at the expense of short term pain?

 

Maybe it is, but it depends. Telling a short guy that you won't date him because of his height will only make him more bitter, because he can't change his height. Telling a guy he's too much overweight is harsh but is more acceptable. He might go home pissed off and frustrated, but the next day he might finally have had enough of his weight and work to change it. That's what I did. Guys at school finally pushed me over the edge one day after constantly tormenting my fatness and man-boobs, so I slammed one of them in the face a few times and got suspended. That suspension was the start of a workout routine that I kept up every single day, and let me tell you, after a few months those guys got more than a few beatings...ones with a lot more muscle behind them.

 

I sometimes have to thank those *******s for doing those things to me, because if it wasn't for their cruelty I would have never been motivated to improve.

 

You did good. I always like hearing about people getting back at bullies.