chris250 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Here are some ideas on how to reject someone you are not interested in dating without hurting them. This can apply to both men and women. If someone asks you for your number or asks you out and you are not interested then try the following: 1. Tell them you are happily married and don't want to ruin a marriage that you worked hard for. Notice that it's not enough to just say you are married because some men & women don't care. They may think over time that they can steal you away from your spouse. So even if you are not married just act like you are happily married. They'll get the picture that they must move on. 2. Just say you have a boyfriend/girlfriend that you love very much. I guess this goes along with # 1. 3. Tell them you are gay. I have done that before by the way about a year ago when I was talking with this one girl at a bar. She was in a half drunken state and invited me to some festival event. I basically told her I was gay. 4. Tell her that you live with your parents. 5. Tell her that you are going to become a monk and that it is against your religion to date. 6. Tell her that you suffer from bipolar depression. 7. Tell her that you have an incurable STD. The above suggestions are ways you can reject someone without hurting them and at the same time NOT giving them any false hope that there is a chance for something in the future. That's the key. To throw them a line that will not give them any false hope either. I don't believe in using the line "I'm not ready for a relationship" unless you sincerely believe that you are not ready to be with them at this time. If I was asking a girl out and she was not interested I would want her to let me down in a way that won't give me false hope. It's ok if she lies to me about being married or having a boyfriend or about being gay because these kind of lines don't leave me any false hope and I can also walk away without a wounded ego. Anyone else have any other suggestions on how to let someone down gently without giving false hope?
nathan311 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Well I'm against all of that. I'd rather be shot down by a simple, "No thanks" than being lied to. Nothing offends me more than people disrespecting me by lying to my face.
Author chris250 Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 Well I'm against all of that. I'd rather be shot down by a simple, "No thanks" than being lied to. Nothing offends me more than people disrespecting me by lying to my face. Did you know that when a girl wants to break up with you she will usually purposely act like a b**ch just to piss you off in the hopes that you'll break up with her? So you would never know she was lying to your face whether in the initial dating phase or after a serious relationship is established.
Ross PK Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Well I'm against all of that. I'd rather be shot down by a simple, "No thanks" than being lied to. Nothing offends me more than people disrespecting me by lying to my face. I don't know why you see it as disrespecting. They're just trying to not hurt you/come off as rude. I've often thought of what I'd say if a woman asked me out who I wasn't interested in, because there's just no way I could just come out with a cold "No", I'd feel a bit stupid. The best thing I've been able to think of so far is just saying "Well, I'm with someone at the moment"
Author chris250 Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 I don't know why you see it as disrespecting. They're just trying to not hurt you/come off as rude. Exactly. I have a hard time saying no. It's not just with women I'm not interested in but I also have a hard time saying no to friends or acquantinences when I'm being invited to go out to some event or something. I usually have to make up an excuse not to go. I can't say no to people without feeling guilty. Saying "I'm with someone at the moment" can be left open for false hope. She may think you'll go out with her if your current relationship fails. It's better to say "I'm with someone and I love her very much. I don't think I could live without her."
Ross PK Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Exactly. I have a hard time saying no. It's not just with women I'm not interested in but I also have a hard time saying no to friends or acquantinences when I'm being invited to go out to some event or something. I usually have to make up an excuse not to go. I can't say no to people without feeling guilty. Yeah, if you just come out with a "No", it sounds a bit rude, like you're just being an ass.
RecordProducer Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 I don't know whether to admire your desire to spare someone's feelings or to laugh at the ridiculousness of your effort. First of all, it's always best to tell the truth, even if immensely sugar-coated. The rejectee MUST know that they are rejected. For one, it would hurt me more to meet my dream man and think that if only the circumstances were different (no wife, no illness, etc.), we'd be together. To meet a wonderful guy and "find out" that he's gay would make me think that perhaps only a gay guy could be my soul mate. Hearing about an incurable STD would scare me from dating completely. On the other hand, I would like to know exactly where I stand on the dating "market." Not good enough for this handsome, never-married Jewish doctor? I want to know. After all, I don't want to fulfill a spot in his family, so I'll go for that artist. Oh! The artist doesn't want me because I have kids and he thinks he deserves to be with a super-model because he's kinda cute - I better know. See my point? These are just examples. I (and most people) love to learn about this world, about what makes people's do, choose, and say what they they do, choose, and say. I want to know what type of men likes me and what type of men doesn't. I also want to know WHY they don't like me. Imagine the tremendous short-term pain, but long-term favor that guys would do to a girl telling her that her excessive weight is a deal breaker for them. Eventually, she would probably lose weight and get plenty of dates (instead of being lied to). When you're lying to a person about your reasons, it's basically telling them "I like you very much, but there's this circumstance.." Imagine if everybody lied like that to everybody - eventually, no one would know their place under the sun. Imagine if employers also did the same thing "Oh, Mr. Jones, you're a great candidate for this job position, but unfortunately we just hired someone today." But you can't imagine that, because employers state their requirements in the ad, and you know whether to apply or not. Well, I state my requirements in my real or imaginary "love ad" as well. Finally, the world is small sometimes and you might find yourself working with that very person or befriending or hooking up with someone they know. How are you going to handle the lie about being gay, happily married, or having Hepatitis C then?
You'reasian Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Did you know that when a girl wants to break up with you she will usually purposely act like a b**ch just to piss you off in the hopes that you'll break up with her? So you would never know she was lying to your face whether in the initial dating phase or after a serious relationship is established. She is what she is and there's nothing wrong with that. If she lied to your face during the initial dating phase, then rejects you down the line with fake bitchiness or an excuse, it may suck but clearly the two of you aren't meant for each other. No man will take a woman who is a b#+@h or a liar Some women get lonely and just want a warm body & attention - start talking about wanting to be with nice guys - then get scared or crowded when the rubber meets the road. They become really bitchy to force a break up or come up with an excuse. Its a man's job to be above that, be able to walk away and move on without difficulty - its a show of strength.
nathan311 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Two post above basically sums up the reasons as to why I would rather be told "No thanks" than have some piss poor excuse given to me.
You'reasian Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 It doesn't make the woman a bad woman. They could have just gotten out of a bad divorce - which makes most women extremely jaded and do things they wouldn't normally do. They might not be ready for a committed, mature relationship. They may be uncertain of things about you etc. Again, best thing to do is to be a man about it. Move on and continue being the man that you're trying to be.
Ross PK Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Two post above basically sums up the reasons as to why I would rather be told "No thanks" than have some piss poor excuse given to me. I totally agree that it's better to know the truth. But you've got to see it from the other persons point of view.
Ross PK Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 I don't know whether to admire your desire to spare someone's feelings or to laugh at the ridiculousness of your effort. First of all, it's always best to tell the truth, even if immensely sugar-coated. The rejectee MUST know that they are rejected. For one, it would hurt me more to meet my dream man and think that if only the circumstances were different (no wife, no illness, etc.), we'd be together. To meet a wonderful guy and "find out" that he's gay would make me think that perhaps only a gay guy could be my soul mate. Hearing about an incurable STD would scare me from dating completely. On the other hand, I would like to know exactly where I stand on the dating "market." Not good enough for this handsome, never-married Jewish doctor? I want to know. After all, I don't want to fulfill a spot in his family, so I'll go for that artist. Oh! The artist doesn't want me because I have kids and he thinks he deserves to be with a super-model because he's kinda cute - I better know. See my point? These are just examples. I (and most people) love to learn about this world, about what makes people's do, choose, and say what they they do, choose, and say. I want to know what type of men likes me and what type of men doesn't. I also want to know WHY they don't like me. Imagine the tremendous short-term pain, but long-term favor that guys would do to a girl telling her that her excessive weight is a deal breaker for them. Eventually, she would probably lose weight and get plenty of dates (instead of being lied to). When you're lying to a person about your reasons, it's basically telling them "I like you very much, but there's this circumstance.." Imagine if everybody lied like that to everybody - eventually, no one would know their place under the sun. Imagine if employers also did the same thing "Oh, Mr. Jones, you're a great candidate for this job position, but unfortunately we just hired someone today." But you can't imagine that, because employers state their requirements in the ad, and you know whether to apply or not. Well, I state my requirements in my real or imaginary "love ad" as well. Finally, the world is small sometimes and you might find yourself working with that very person or befriending or hooking up with someone they know. How are you going to handle the lie about being gay, happily married, or having Hepatitis C then? RP, I think when someone tells a person that they're with someone, most people aren't going to think "oh, so that means if they didn't have someone they would want to be with me" I know I certainly have never thought that.
reservoirdog1 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Try going with "I like you, I just don't feel there's a spark between us." The benefit of that approach is that it doesn't assign blame to either person, and it isn't full of sh*t either. A lack of spark or chemistry just "is" -- it's not anybody's fault. Sometimes two people just don't click together as anything more than acquaintances or friends. Just the way it goes sometimes. Far better to use that, than to lie about something.
Ross PK Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Try going with "I like you, I just don't feel there's a spark between us.". Lol, nah. How about at least saying you're busy that night? They'd still get the message.
Rebellious Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Here are some ideas on how to reject someone you are not interested in dating without hurting them. This can apply to both men and women. If someone asks you for your number or asks you out and you are not interested then try the following: 1. Tell them you are happily married and don't want to ruin a marriage that you worked hard for. Notice that it's not enough to just say you are married because some men & women don't care. They may think over time that they can steal you away from your spouse. So even if you are not married just act like you are happily married. They'll get the picture that they must move on. 2. Just say you have a boyfriend/girlfriend that you love very much. I guess this goes along with # 1. 3. Tell them you are gay. I have done that before by the way about a year ago when I was talking with this one girl at a bar. She was in a half drunken state and invited me to some festival event. I basically told her I was gay. 4. Tell her that you live with your parents. 5. Tell her that you are going to become a monk and that it is against your religion to date. 6. Tell her that you suffer from bipolar depression. 7. Tell her that you have an incurable STD. 8. Tell her you were in a sports accident and injured your crotch resulting in permanent damage to your wienie
Trialbyfire Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 There's no need for malice or cruelty but IMO, there's a need for honesty. If anyone were to reject me, I would hope they would have the balls to come clean. Not too many people are capable of being able to cover up a bold-faced lie. In order to lie that effectively, you've got to have some psychopath/sociopath in you. It's also up to me to decide if I believe them or not. Also, what one person finds is a deal-breaker, might be what another person finds incredibly attractive. Hopefully, your common sense and self-knowledge, can get you out of any rut from rejection.
Author chris250 Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 Here's another one to use: "I think you would make a great wife for someone else." Sometimes that's the truth anyway. I can't speak for all men as to what are attractive qualities in a woman. I can only speak for myself. Therefore I'm not really lying by using the above statement. Two of the women I have rejected I really believe would make great wives for many other men. Many other men would have no problem dating them. I do and I have my personal reasons.
Joyvke Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 For me, be honest without trying to make it go soft. That way I can move over someone way faster then the bull**** off. "You are awesome, you'll find someone", I don't want someone, I want you! Just say you don't want me /end . Don't try and be nice, it hurts either way, but if you do it nicely it only hurts more in the long run.
Author chris250 Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 I don't know whether to admire your desire to spare someone's feelings or to laugh at the ridiculousness of your effort. See my point? These are just examples. I (and most people) love to learn about this world, about what makes people's do, choose, and say what they they do, choose, and say. I want to know what type of men likes me and what type of men doesn't. I also want to know WHY they don't like me. Imagine the tremendous short-term pain, but long-term favor that guys would do to a girl telling her that her excessive weight is a deal breaker for them. Eventually, she would probably lose weight and get plenty of dates (instead of being lied to). I don't happen to have a problem dating overweight women. This might be a deal-breaker for some men. Even if she was told that her weight was a deal-breaker that would not necessarily motivate her to lose the weight. It may motivate her to continue searching for a man who doesn't have a problem with her weight.
Joyvke Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 If it's a dealbreaker, I wonder why people would start dating them while knowing the weight will be a breaker anyway ._./. If I was told my weight was an issue, that would be my first question though. Probably would say "Well ok, you wanna help me with getting it off by some nice excersise? /wink" .
kashmir Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 See my point? These are just examples. I (and most people) love to learn about this world, about what makes people's do, choose, and say what they they do, choose, and say. I want to know what type of men likes me and what type of men doesn't. I also want to know WHY they don't like me. Imagine the tremendous short-term pain, but long-term favor that guys would do to a girl telling her that her excessive weight is a deal breaker for them. Eventually, she would probably lose weight and get plenty of dates (instead of being lied to). This is interesting. Is it worth it to be direct and blunt with someone in order to help them improve at the expense of short term pain? Maybe it is, but it depends. Telling a short guy that you won't date him because of his height will only make him more bitter, because he can't change his height. Telling a guy he's too much overweight is harsh but is more acceptable. He might go home pissed off and frustrated, but the next day he might finally have had enough of his weight and work to change it. That's what I did. Guys at school finally pushed me over the edge one day after constantly tormenting my fatness and man-boobs, so I slammed one of them in the face a few times and got suspended. That suspension was the start of a workout routine that I kept up every single day, and let me tell you, after a few months those guys got more than a few beatings...ones with a lot more muscle behind them. I sometimes have to thank those *******s for doing those things to me, because if it wasn't for their cruelty I would have never been motivated to improve.
RecordProducer Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 RP, I think when someone tells a person that they're with someone, most people aren't going to think "oh, so that means if they didn't have someone they would want to be with me" I know I certainly have never thought that.I understand, Ross, but he is suggesting that one should say they are happily married or gay or a carrier of an incurable virus. I'd tell a guy "I am very busy" or some other lesser lie, but I wouldn't go to the extent of teling them I am a terminally ill, happily married lesbian just so they don't feel rejected.
Rebellious Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 There's no need for any rejection! I always continue to be friendly and social, and she'll get the message. Girls rarely grope you or go for your zipper, so I feel safe.
RecordProducer Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Telling a short guy that you won't date him because of his height will only make him more bitter, because he can't change his height. He can't change his height, but he can change his target: asking out females who are at least two inches shorter. Of course, different people like and dislike different things, but he might keep his height in mind. Finally, people often ascribe lack of interest to height, baldness or having no money, while women might just find the guy unattractive overall. In most cases, it's complete lack of charm why men are having a hard time getting dates. Bu the main reason is too high expectations. Everyone should know their league more or less. And this doesn't pertain only to looks, of course. That's why honesty is important. Not brutal honesty, just letting the person know that you're not romantically interested in them.
Yamaha Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Everyone should know their league more or less. And what is your advice in knowing ones "league"? Do you ask friends or randomly ask people who don't know you? You probably would get a more accurate answer from the strangers.
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