Knight_Ctrl Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Every morning for the past week I've woke up with a lyric in my head from a song my ex use to sing alot. It goes something like "tonights the night I'll fall for you, dont make me change my mind, something something something, cause a girl like you is impossible to find" And every single time I think about it I feel like my heart is being shredded into a thousand pieces.....guys why the hell would this be the first thing im thinking of when I wake up...help. =(
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Oh God what are the chances. My ex used to sing that too. That exact song. I ****ing hate it. It's a worthless song and now it burns like Holy Water on a Demon everytime I hear it. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAH. This damn topic has caused me pain too. You are waking up to that most likely because you either dreamt about her or she was the first thing you usually think about when you wake up, and that song is what reminds you of her so you thought about that song. God ****ing **** that song.
Author Knight_Ctrl Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 Im sorry DSM, I didnt mean to drag you down with me. I'm doing freaking terrible right now. I swear I don't feel like I'm getting any better, I just miss her more ever day the pain gets worse I cry more. I feel like this isn't going to end. God I love her so much.......I use to think I wanted to know what true love felt like. I would give anything to not feel this way anymore.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 I don't like to really relate with people (as you've seen by my normal replies) but for once I'm going to relate with you. I feel the same way you do man. I woke up today and yesterday feeling like half my heart is in my chest, and the other half is gone. I feel like theres a high content of acid in my blood, and it stings especially when it passes through where my heart used to be. The pain of loss and separation is pain worse than most physical pain. I look at the alcohol that is always next to me, and just want to drink it all even though I hate the taste of all alcohol. Just to drown out the pain. It's like Hell on Earth, being trapped inside your mind and your chest. You can feel the pain and everytime a memory pops up, everything intensifies. Remembering a memory of when you were together and happy is like a landmine going off in your head and your heart. Ripping away peice by peice and causing you to feel like you're a shell of who you once were. Numbness replaces consciousness practically, and you wonder if you're a zombie... and you tell yourself deep down you'll get better one day, but you don't believe it. I'm with you brother, there's no easy answer or steps to take to quickly recover. That's why I don't pour myself any vodka. We have no choice except to keep moving forward. I've been through this once with my first ex girlfriend. I thought I wanted to kill myself but I perservered and am stronger, and deep down I do know I will get better, because I've felt this exact way before. You'll get better too. ...but this is why I don't like relating with people.
Author Knight_Ctrl Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 I hear ya man...its funny you mention the vodka. I've got a bottle to my right as I type this.....Don't know if I have the will power to not drink it though, I was at least going to try and wait until noon.....20 mins. As you know I broke my ankle about 2 1/2 weeks ago, and I can honestly say my bones snapping and the 2 inch shard of glass that went into my elbow has nothing on how bad I've been hurting over this girl. I was stupid and just called her to tell her to have a nice holiday, I was stable all the way up til she started talking too, and the voice killed me. I keep thinking im strong and as soon as I feel like I am something proves me wrong. She said she had a card she was going to give me and I told her to please not. Then she told me she hopes I can find joy today, and I told her my joy left me 2 months ago and that was it. Stupid ****ing mistake....
TeaAbraham Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Waking up is the worst. Probably because you're all alone, whereas usually at least there are people around or what not. It is especially bad knowing you used to wake up next to her. You can't really help it. Just get up and get started going about your day as quickly as you can. I know you're trying to find an avenue to release the pain, but contacting her isn't really going to help. That's the really sh*tty part. No quick fixes. Just gotta live with it and keep chugging.
Joker77 Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 I hear ya man...its funny you mention the vodka. I've got a bottle to my right as I type this.....Don't know if I have the will power to not drink it though, I was at least going to try and wait until noon.....20 mins. As you know I broke my ankle about 2 1/2 weeks ago, and I can honestly say my bones snapping and the 2 inch shard of glass that went into my elbow has nothing on how bad I've been hurting over this girl. I was stupid and just called her to tell her to have a nice holiday, I was stable all the way up til she started talking too, and the voice killed me. I keep thinking im strong and as soon as I feel like I am something proves me wrong. She said she had a card she was going to give me and I told her to please not. Then she told me she hopes I can find joy today, and I told her my joy left me 2 months ago and that was it. Stupid ****ing mistake.... Don't beat yourself up man. Today I have been mulling over texting my ex to wish her and her daughter a merry christmas. I just can't bring myself to do it. As dumb as it sounds, I feel like I have some sort of power left knowing that I haven't contacted her in almost three weeks with the exception of responding to her bday text to me last week. I love her and her daughter, but I just can't bring myself to contact her in fear that the healing wound will rip open again. Some would say I should be a bigger person and contact her, but I just can't. Things will get better for you dude.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Joker whoever told you you should be a bigger man and contact her, is an idiot. I'd love to diagnose him officially, as an idiot. Don't drink the vodka though because the vodka can't take away the pain. The vodka can only add a different depth to it.
quankanne Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 okay, gentlemen, I give – what's the song you're talking about? ditto on the not bothering with the vodka. Do you really want to fook up your holiday over someone who doesn't even appreciate you? Honestly?
Author Knight_Ctrl Posted December 25, 2008 Author Posted December 25, 2008 okay, gentlemen, I give – what's the song you're talking about? ditto on the not bothering with the vodka. Do you really want to fook up your holiday over someone who doesn't even appreciate you? Honestly? See the significant problem is my holiday is already fooked up, I've spent the last 2 hours just sitting at my computer crying. This holiday is already wasted. Also I believe the band that wrote that song is secondhand Serenade. Dont listen to any of it unless you want to never stop crying ever.
saturnfell Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Ok, hold on... before we all go on having terrible holidays, let's take a look at this. Knight CTRL: Songs are reminders, but there are ways around it. Before you fall asleep tonight try and clear your mind. I know it sounds silly and impossible, but take a deep breath and clear your mind... actually thinking about having a clear mind. This will help you sleep better, will ease your dreams and will help you when you wake in the morning. I can relate to not wanting to feel feelings anymore. I used to say each day how I wanted to have the ability to feel taken from me. That I just wanted to work and wander through life, but think about this, please: some people go through life meeting new people and sleeping with them with no connection at all. They repeat this behavior time and time again. The things about them compared to us... they do not feel emotion. Think about how terrible life would be if you didn't feel emotion. Think about how wonderful it is to know your friends care for you, or what about when you helped someone who was in need? I'm sure it felt wonderful. Would you give that up?
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 Yes, listen to saturn, or whoever talked about not having emotion. Because I am dealing with no emotion. I haven't felt really anything since about 8 months after I lost my first girlfriend. I just shut off my emotions and now although I have a conscience in my head telling me what is right and what isn't, I can choose to listen to it with little remorse if any. It's a very scary thing to remember having emotion, and then seeing your life now, with no emotion. I could knock someone out today and probably not care. I wouldn't let myself because I have a strong backbone mentally that tells me what to do and not do. But I know if I had to do it, I wouldn't feel anything. It's the scariest and darkest feeling on Earth to be completely numb emotionally. I don't laugh barely, I don't cry, I don't do anything really. I just wonder how come I don't feel anymore. Pray you don't ever get there.
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