Considering Separting/Divorce After Affair...

[goodman2009]

My wife, and best friend, of 15 years recently told me she had an affair. After 5 years of being with our little ones as a stay-at-home mom, she re-entered the workforce. On her first business trip, a two-week training stint in So.Cal., she had an affair with a co-worker. Upon returning and facing me and the little ones, her guilt was too severe and she fessed up. I was/am devastated, but I was also a little relieved. First, I knew in my heart she had done it without her ever saying a word. Second, it ended a run of very out-of-character behavior she had been on for seeveral months (binge-drinking, going out with girlfriends to bars or just escaping way to often, etc.).

 

She also has struggled with clinical depression and had been taking anti-depressants after some close family members passed away years back. All in all, we've gone through a lot together and I think the pressure of life was getting too hard for her. I am a very forgiving person, and initially thought I had this under control, but as I have moved through the different stages of grief, I am finding it harder and harder to consider staying with her. We have been open, honest and compassionate during this tough time. It's obvious we both want to stay together. She chalks it up to a lapse of judgment. She claims after many years of being a mom, she found herself in a little fantasy world. She says it was more of an emotional affair and they exchanged some very powerful words (e.g. I love you, I can't live without you, etc.). But she now claims those were merely a result of the initial infatuation. He lives on the other side of the country and is also married and a father of two (what a guy). I asked her if she wanted to be with him and what I got were a lot of logistical reasons (e.g. no, it would be impossible he's married, etc.).My wife and I have been an extraordinary couple. People have always held us to the gold standard.

 

We're fun, dynamic and have always been the best of friends. And in there, lies my issue. While we've suffered some ups and downs, like any long-term marriage, an affair seemed absolutely improbable to both us due to our core friendship. I might have been able to understand this had this been a one-night stand with some hot guy after a bunch of drinks, but this was with, by her own words, "... a very humble, normal guy who made her laugh and feel good about herself." I am not naive, and I am not perfect. I have my issues. But my wife has been the center of my world. I have never taken her for granted, or showed her a lack of attention/praise. We are still relatively young, attractive and remain good friends. We have three great young kids. I am just struggling with whether or not a separation would help. She says she'll do anything to keep me, but I wonder if she wants to keep me because I am a great husband/dad/friend, but maybe not the lover she sought. By her own admission, we have a great sex life and we love each other very much. But in this act, she added an experience to her life, and in turn, took something from me that I fear I won't be able to fill (namely trust and the knowing that I was her lone soulmate).

 

I wonder if I had the chance to see a few people, if it would help even things out and rid me of this lopsided feeling. She says she'll wait for me no matter what I decide. Understand, I don't just want to go out and get a piece of tail. In fact, another woman is the last thing I want in my life. I think I'm just toying with the idea to makeself feel better. Moreover, I am a romantic. If I open that door, I fear I might fall in love with someone else. So I guess I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Can anyone help clear my head or offer some advice. I'd like to hear a woman's perspective, but also a man. The women I talk to tend to bastardize the men who have cheated on them as pigs just in it for the sex--which is generally the reason why men cheat. But I don't often hear from men, maybe because we are too prideful. It seems women do cheat for emotional intimacy reasons.

 

My wife, at 35, seems to be going through a mid-life crisis. She is extemely attractive, but over the last few months I saw her, and her peers, struggling with the "Desparate Housewife" syndrome. They seemed to be fighting their roles as mother's as their kids went from cute babies to demanding children. They seem to want to be on the scene again and to be appreciated or validated. Conversely, at 38, I have slipped comfortably into the role of a dad and husband. Instead of giving her flowers everyday, I'd let her sleep in and wake her with a latte. When she first told me of the affair, she said we suffered from a lack of intimacy. Our sex life was too "wham, bam, thank you, mam". Not enough snuggling and cuddling. She realized this was her fault as well as mine as well as a circumstance of the life we had built (three kids compresses cuddle time). I always accepted this, but she obviously hadn't and used this first trip away from mommyhood as an escape from reality.

 

Now that she's back, like most cheaters, she fully understands how much she put at risk--her entire life. And she desparately wants it back. I'm just not so sure I can do that. What a great Christmas present! I know the answer lies within me, not a stranger's words. But it helps to talk and hear from others who have wrestled with the same issues. Many thanks!

[Bryanp]

What a horrible christmas for you. Only you can decide what you wish to do but there is real disturbing red flags appearing here. She had been binge-drinking, staying late night out with girlfriends partying and so forth. The first time she goes on a business trip she has sex with another man (she needs to be tested for STD's). She devalues what she did by simply saying it was a lapse of judgment. It was a hell of a lot more than a lapse of judgment. She gave herself permission to betray you and your family by having sex with another man and breaking a special bond with you. A lapse of judgment implies it was no big deal. She said she loved him and could not live without him. When you asked if she wanted to be with him she said she could not since he is married? The meaning of this clearly implies that if he was not married she would want a future with him.

 

My guess is that when she was out binge drinking with girlfriend at night at bars she was not just playing checkers with other people. I seriously doubt you have the full story of what she has been doing while she was drinking and how long she was flirting with this OM. Clearly also it did not bother her screwing another married man with children. Again this is not a lapse in judgment. This was a deliberate choice. From what you have written it sounds like the thought of a divorced woman with children does not appeal to her and she does not want her standard of living to change.

 

Again it is your choice to decide what you wish to do but I guarantee you that there are other women in this world who would appreciate a very good and caring guy. So now she has additional expereinces of screwing a married man on a business trip and feels satisified and wishes to live her life as the way it was. The problem is that it will never be the way it was. The question for you to decide is if you wish to forgive binge drinking, late night partying with girlfriends, and engaging in a sexual affair with another married man with children saying she loved him and could not live without him and telling you she could not be with him because he is married. It sounds to me you deserve a whole lot better than to settle for this. Her actions indicated that she has little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.

[atwitsend]

If possible I would separate for a while. Not to divorce later but to let her feel the full weight of what she has done. Not for you to entertain cheating on her. But that actions have consequences. She needs to live without you for a while. A month or 2 should do. She needs to come home to you not being there. During this time I would speak to her only on financial and children's issues. No talk of reconciliation (which she will be pressing you for constantly). If she was at risk for leaving or not sure if she wanted to stay married I would not suggest this. Regarding her logistical excuses for not being with him (geographically unavailable, married). I would put it to her like this.

 

"I need time to think if I can deal with a wife who would cheat on me with some guy she saw once and screwed. Considering the fact you told him that you loved him and can't live without him, you should not have that much of an issue with me leaving you. We're not just talking about you ****ing him. We are talking about you loving him. Apparently your love for me was easily replaced"

 

She needs to ache for you and what you had. She needs to see what she threw away. Her mind must be occupied with "How do I get my husband back!!!???). This should bring her out of the fog. And keep her to busy to contact the other man. You must contact the OM's wife immediately so she can monitor her husband from the other end and you can compare notes. This may be rough on your children, but she needs to see what her cheating has cost them too. In my estimation you are literally blameless in this situation unless its you being to easy on her partying with her friends. If you don't leave for awhile I fear that you would always wonder just how bad she feels and that this would create bitterness towards her (as if you don't have the right) that could make any reconciliation less complete. When (if) you leave. You need to ache for her too. She needs to watch you pack. Get in your car and leave. I am sure there will be tears on both sides. But you must remain strong. I would wait at least a month to start MC. She needs to be given only hints that you will consider reconciliation at first. Of course all this is my opinion. And I think you two really do love each other. But she needs to experience enough fear to last the rest of your married lives. Stay strong.

[atwitsend]

[Now that she's back, like most cheaters, she fully understands how much she put at risk--her entire life. And she desparately wants it back. I'm just not so sure I can do that. What a great Christmas present! I know the answer lies within me, not a stranger's words. But it helps to talk and hear from others who have wrestled with the same issues. Many thanks!

 

I re-read you post and think that bryan had some excellent points. You don't know if she wasn't with someone else when she was drunk. Put it this way if she chooses to screw some guy she just met when she was sober. And to tell him "I love you" WHAT THE HELL DID SHE DO WHEN SHE WAS ****FACED WHEN ANY INHIBITIONS (if she had any) WHATSOEVER WERE THROWN TO THE WIND. Did she ever stay out the whole night? What happened to the kids while she was out. You said she was a stay at home mom for 5 years. But the last 7 months she would go out binge drinking with her friends. I am changing my opinion. I think you are being far to kind to her. Its like you said she was not drunk. She developed a relationship with this guy. She knew you were at home with the kids and she screwed him. dump her.

[Holding-On]

This is a very negative board.

 

Your wife of 15 years had sex outside of your marriage one time and told you about it right away. This does not sound like a serial cheater or liar to me.

 

IMO biologically speaking many women run into their sex drive and desire for variety later in life (mid-to late 30s) whether they recognize it or not. Unlike men, generally a lot of women have not had to resist sexual temptation prior to getting married because, frankly, they just haven't been tempted before. Few women get turned on by straight out sex, they have to have the fantasy of being loved/desired romantically. I feel if a lot of women knew this was going to happen to them in their 30s they would be much more likely to recognize it.

 

So on the one hand, all the problems are your wife's. She probably could use some competent individual counselling. If you do decide to have a time out of your relationship to let her know how serious this is to you I think that you should require she have individual counselling as a condition of getting back together. There seem to be a lot of problems she needs to deal with. Depression/deaths/the limitedness of her own life/children's demands/mid-30s crisis. So a separation might be a very good idea if it gets her to deal with her problems and establishes that you value your boundaries.

 

On the other hand, throwing away 15 years of friendship and married life with someone who owned up pretty immediately and, it would seem, without probing seems a little excessive to me.

[Javelin]

Now that she's back, like most cheaters, she fully understands how much she put at risk--her entire life. And she desperately wants it back.

 

As easy as it is to dismiss this as a, 'mid-life crisis,' your wife does not fully understand the consequences of her actions and you're basically giving her a get out of jail free card if you stay with her. I know you have children and separation would be devastating for them, but what exactly did your wife put on the table when she had this affair? Nothing. She threw everything away temporarily and now wants it all back. Well I'm sorry, but in these type of circumstances life does not work like that.

 

You also said that she was your best friend. but you never said that you were her best friend. I say this because usually best friends tell one another everything. Why would she wait until after the damage was done to alert you to the problems she kept inside? At this point, I would honestly evaluate the marriage you thought you had.

 

Don't take this issue lightly my friend. Your wife completely ignored the fact that she had mother, wife, and companionship responsibilities for her own selfish desires. She knows what is right and wrong and honestly needs to fall flat on her ass to comprehend the final results.

[allanDR]

I'm admittedly no expert on this as I've never been married or in a relationship that long.

 

One thing you said stood out: "She says she'll wait for me no matter what I decide"

 

This simply can not be believed 100%. No matter how much you think someone loves you, do not believe them when they tell you they will love you unconditionally and forever and they will wait for you as long as you want. I'm not saying it's wrong of people to say that, because I truly believe they mean it when they say it. It's simply a promise that it is fundamentally impossible to keep.

 

I don't know whether you should leave her or stay with her. I somtimes feel this forum is totally pointless because that question can really only be answered by your gut, you need to do whatever feels right and don't let people's opinions here sway you too much. Isn't that wonderful! Don't listen to any of us!!! Lesson # 1...

 

I just worry that you'll take her back and she'll stop respecting you. Sometimes women will beg for another chance when all they really want is to know they have the power to have that second chance, even if they try to kid themselves otherwise.

 

My gut says to leave her.

[Steve L]

My wife turned 39 last year. She weighs 118 lbs and had DD boobs installed. She was going through something. Had a fling..20 or 30 time with the same dude. We stayed together for one year. Therapy, long talks, vacations without the kids. She was/is beautiful to me and was the center of my world. Other than taking care of the well being of my kids the central reason for my existence. You my friend have 2 choices. Curl up in an excruciating ball and die slowly from this as you attempt to "get over" this or get a divorce. You will seek out every web page offering help for this issue....notice one thing, they are all SELLING something. Marital reconciliation is one of the biggest rackets going. People will pay ANYTHING to fix it. Well guess what? They Aint No Fixin it. She cant unf#ck this guy any more than you can get over it. The revenge thing you mentioned, it doesnt work. You will resent her for putting you in that position. You will never quite think you "got enough" revenge stuff. Dos not work...I tried it. Two things and then I will close, No.1. A guy at work told me a story of his grandparents. His grandfather had an affair during WW2 in Japan. a one timer. Thanksgiving dinner in the mid 80's, he p#ssed grandma off....guess what?! She threw that 50 year old affair in his face. No.2 One of my customers wives had an affair 11 years ago. I spoke with him concerning my wife. He told me "get out now" "you will never recover", this was 9 months ago, he was right. He told me it was the first thing he thought of when he got out of bed and the last thing he thought of at night....I filed 6 months ago. HE filed a month ago. I now have a GF. Life is fan friggin tastic. Conversation, Fun, Outrageous sex. There is life after an affair, with someone else. LEAVE as soon as you come to realize its busted, takes about a year. Good Luck Friend

[allanDR]

Steve L put it all too eloquently.

 

I think your relationship (and similar ones) can recover from this. I don't know they can but I've heard of people who have and claim their relationship is better than ever. I don't really get it. The chances of this happening are so slim. However, as sorry as I would feel for you for trying to reconcile, I can't blame you. I've done something like it because I thought "she was the one. True love will overcome everything" and it backfired and now I regret everything.

 

It's a very sad fact of life that nobody needs anyone and if they feel like they do, they need to get over it.

 

/bitterness.

[Dexter Morgan]

My wife, and best friend, of 15 years recently told me she had an affair.

 

Some friend

 

 

I was/am devastated, but I was also a little relieved. First, I knew in my heart she had done it without her ever saying a word. Second, it ended a run of very out-of-character behavior she had been on for seeveral months (binge-drinking, going out with girlfriends to bars or just escaping way to often, etc.).

 

Well if you did decide to forgive her and work on the marriage, two requirements should be satisfied:

 

One, drinking with girlfriends and going to bars/clubs are over.

 

Two, she quits her job if this job is going to see to it that she has to deal with this guy again. Or was this someone who was totally unrelated to her employer and just someone she met in a bar? But then again, she'll be in the company of other guys at a new place of employment, and I wouldn't be too happy with her working somewhere that requires her to go on business trips. She has proven she can't be trusted in those situations?

 

 

 

She also has struggled with clinical depression and had been taking anti-depressants after some close family members passed away years back. All in all, we've gone through a lot together and I think the pressure of life was getting too hard for her.

 

I sure hope you aren't making excuses for her, or excuses for yourself to justify staying with her.

 

If you decide to stay with her, then do just that, but not because you think she was having a rough time. i assume you had the rough times too, but you didn't cheat, did ya?

 

 

I am a very forgiving person, and initially thought I had this under control, but as I have moved through the different stages of grief, I am finding it harder and harder to consider staying with her. We have been open, honest and compassionate during this tough time. It's obvious we both want to stay together. She chalks it up to a lapse of judgment.

 

Oh gee, is that all it was? A lapse of judgement? Well buckle your seat. That isn't going to be the last lapse of judgement she is ever going to have again.

 

 

She claims after many years of being a mom, she found herself in a little fantasy world. She says it was more of an emotional affair and they exchanged some very powerful words (e.g. I love you, I can't live without you, etc.). But she now claims those were merely a result of the initial infatuation. He lives on the other side of the country and is also married and a father of two (what a guy).

 

Well you are putting down this other guy to be a loser because of what he did(and rightfully so), but are you applying the same to your wife? I mean, if he is less than a man for cheating on his wife and kids, what does that make your wife?

 

 

I asked her if she wanted to be with him and what I got were a lot of logistical reasons (e.g. no, it would be impossible he's married, etc.)

 

BUZZZZ Wrong answer. She should want to be with you because of YOU, not because of his marital status or the distance between them.

 

I think you are correct for thinking you don't want to stay with her. I always advise leaving a cheater no matter the circumstances.

 

 

We're fun, dynamic and have always been the best of friends. And in there, lies my issue. While we've suffered some ups and downs, like any long-term marriage

 

Ups and downs are to be expected and can be worked through. Screwing around and bringing someone else into the mix is a quite different sort of "down".

 

 

I might have been able to understand this had this been a one-night stand with some hot guy after a bunch of drinks

 

You would eh? So if she had a ONS after drinking, you'd be ok with her continuing to go out with girlfriends, drink, and get all hornified for some other guy? Just think, if she came home and said, "I $%#ed someone else tonight, but it was nothing. It was a one night stand and I was drunk" You'd forgive that and not expect her to cease any more such activities that more easily spawned her cheating?

 

 

but this was with, by her own words, "... a very humble, normal guy who made her laugh and feel good about herself." I am not naive, and I am not perfect. I have my issues. But my wife has been the center of my world. I have never taken her for granted, or showed her a lack of attention/praise. We are still relatively young, attractive and remain good friends. We have three great young kids. I am just struggling with whether or not a separation would help. She says she'll do anything to keep me

 

Really? good, then she should quit her job and find one that doesn't require business trips away from you, and she should stop going out and drinking with girlfriends.

 

if she isn't willing to do that, then she isn't too damn willing to keep you.

 

 

 

but I wonder if she wants to keep me because I am a great husband/dad/friend, but maybe not the lover she sought.

 

Or is she wanting to keep you just so she isn't the reason her kids family was broken up?

 

 

 

I wonder if I had the chance to see a few people, if it would help even things out and rid me of this lopsided feeling.

 

Well, I always say, if it is bad enough to cheat, its bad enough to leave the relationship. don't be a hypocrite and lower yourself to being a cheater.

 

But in the very least, I think you should make her stay home a couple of weekend nights with the kids as she apparantly made you do, and go out with the guys, drink, and come home late. See how she likes it. But do not cheat. You are better than that.

 

but most importantly, that will give you time to talk to good friends, and if you are comfortable, let them know what has happened. They can be a great source to help you make a decision.

 

 

She says she'll wait for me no matter what I decide. Understand, I don't just want to go out and get a piece of tail.

 

No, you absolutely don't. But you might ask her, "what if i want to go out with the guys drinking as you did? And what if I find myself someone to make me feel good about myself as you did now that you have completely torn me down?" See what her reaction to that is.

 

 

In fact, another woman is the last thing I want in my life. I think I'm just toying with the idea to makeself feel better. Moreover, I am a romantic. If I open that door, I fear I might fall in love with someone else. So I guess I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

 

You got that right. But I'll say that you are damned if you stay with her. She may never stray again if you stay with her. But you will forever be scarred by what she has done and you will, from this point on, distrust her and wonder if she is with another guy if she decides to go out. So like I said, if you stay with her, partying and drinking with friends should be over. And I wouldn't want her in a job that requires business trips out of town overnight.

 

 

Can anyone help clear my head or offer some advice. I'd like to hear a woman's perspective, but also a man.

 

As a man that has divorced, it was the absolute best decision for me. There was no way I was going to be happy and at peace if I stayed with her. Even if she promised to never stray again, I'd never believe it. And really, why should I? Why should you?

 

 

The women I talk to tend to bastardize the men who have cheated on them as pigs just in it for the sex

 

But then turn around and make excuses for the women that cheat. it had to be the man's fault somehow.

 

 

But I don't often hear from men, maybe because we are too prideful. It seems women do cheat for emotional intimacy reasons.

 

My wife, at 35, seems to be going through a mid-life crisis. She is extemely attractive, but over the last few months I saw her, and her peers, struggling with the "Desparate Housewife" syndrome. They seemed to be fighting their roles as mother's as their kids went from cute babies to demanding children. They seem to want to be on the scene again and to be appreciated or validated.

 

 

If they want validation, that is fine, but we as men can see to it that they get their validation as single women.

 

 

Conversely, at 38, I have slipped comfortably into the role of a dad and husband. Instead of giving her flowers everyday, I'd let her sleep in and wake her with a latte. When she first told me of the affair, she said we suffered from a lack of intimacy. Our sex life was too "wham, bam, thank you, mam". Not enough snuggling and cuddling. She realized this was her fault as well as mine as well as a circumstance of the life we had built (three kids compresses cuddle time). I always accepted this, but she obviously hadn't and used this first trip away from mommyhood as an escape from reality.

 

Now that she's back, like most cheaters, she fully understands how much she put at risk--her entire life. And she desparately wants it back.

 

uh huh, until the next time she is out of town without her husband.

 

 

I'm just not so sure I can do that. What a great Christmas present! I know the answer lies within me, not a stranger's words. But it helps to talk and hear from others who have wrestled with the same issues. Many thanks!

 

 

Take comfort in the fact that you are not the only one that has had to deal with this. You are not alone. There are tons of advice and opinions here. Take from them what you want. You will have people tell you to divorce and people that will tell you to give her a chance.

 

From my perspective, cheaters don't deserve a 2nd chance, are not to be trusted again, and even if you could, you now would be living with someone that monkeyed around with another man during your marriage. And you deserve better than that.

 

I wouldn't put up with a wife/gf that cheated. i don't care what their excuses or how sorry they were. 1 strike and your out.

 

But if you do decide to stay with her, then like I said, if it were me there would be no less than 2 rules, and those would be quit the job, find one that won't require business trips, and no more drinking with the obviously bad influences of women, much less going out without you and drinking period. She is a wife and a mother. She needs to act like one. Not some single barfly.

 

There should be other ground rules as well, but you can decide what they would be, that is, if you stay with her.

 

I feel for ya man. Been there, done that.

[Dexter Morgan]

My guess is that when she was out binge drinking with girlfriend at night at bars she was not just playing checkers with other people.

 

I thought this as well. I'd bet this business trip isn't the first time she crossed the line in some way.

 

 

 

Again it is your choice to decide what you wish to do but I guarantee you that there are other women in this world who would appreciate a very good and caring guy.

 

hear hear to that! I found that out after divorcing my now X.

 

 

 

So now she has additional expereinces of screwing a married man on a business trip and feels satisified and wishes to live her life as the way it was. The problem is that it will never be the way it was.

 

Yup, now that she got it out of her system, something is missing for him.

 

She got this experience, she has her validation(and I bet it won't be the last), but now he is left with this huge hole in his life.

 

I wonder what she'd do or say if he said, "well, you got to go screw another man outside our marriage, maybe I need to be allowed the same just once without further retaliation from you. So I think I should be allowed to go out with the guys, find a woman, and you are just going to have to sit and take it for one night."

 

Of course I don't condone him actually doing it, but she needs to feel his pain.

[atwitsend]

I agree with Dexter. You need to make her quit her job (I hope she likes it) and tell her she cannot be trusted to remain vertical with the men there. She is not to get any job that requires traveling. And she is to never go to lunch with any man at the new job. If she ever has to work late or overtime she needs to call and tell you so you can meet her there with the kids (if you want) And if she says that would be embarrassing, tell her she is free to clear the air with her fellow employees tell them that she can't be trusted to keep her panties on after working hours. No partying with the girls (I bet they talk **** about you anyways). You had better never see another drink in her hand ( I can't understand why you let your wife drink with depression and bipolar. I can say that because my wife has depression and is bipolar) If any of these measures make her feel that you don't trust her...its because you don't. And if she has a problem with the new rules.....leave.

[whichwayisup]

Because of your kids, you both owe it to eachother to work on the marriage and give it your best. If things don't get better, then divorce..

 

Do marriage counselling and get your wife to a therapist who can help her with her depression and other health issues! She needs to fix herself first before you two can fix your marriage.

[Ayemtee]

This is a very negative board.

 

Your wife of 15 years had sex outside of your marriage one time and told you about it right away. This does not sound like a serial cheater or liar to me.

 

IMO biologically speaking many women run into their sex drive and desire for variety later in life (mid-to late 30s) whether they recognize it or not. Unlike men, generally a lot of women have not had to resist sexual temptation prior to getting married because, frankly, they just haven't been tempted before. Few women get turned on by straight out sex, they have to have the fantasy of being loved/desired romantically. I feel if a lot of women knew this was going to happen to them in their 30s they would be much more likely to recognize it.

 

So on the one hand, all the problems are your wife's. She probably could use some competent individual counselling. If you do decide to have a time out of your relationship to let her know how serious this is to you I think that you should require she have individual counselling as a condition of getting back together. There seem to be a lot of problems she needs to deal with. Depression/deaths/the limitedness of her own life/children's demands/mid-30s crisis. So a separation might be a very good idea if it gets her to deal with her problems and establishes that you value your boundaries.

 

On the other hand, throwing away 15 years of friendship and married life with someone who owned up pretty immediately and, it would seem, without probing seems a little excessive to me.

 

...................

[theobserver]

I asked her if she wanted to be with him and what I got were a lot of logistical reasons (e.g. no, it would be impossible he's married, etc.).

 

Look she slipped up right here. Her true feelings are right there. You asked her an honest question and technically she said she would want to be with him if not for the fact he's half way across the country and married (wife most likely unaware of the affair). What you need to take from what she said is if those circumstances change what's to stop her going to him?

 

What's going to stop her falling for the next guy who lives a little closer. She really dropped the ball and if I were you I would start my divorce papers. I wish people would somewhat leave "stay for the children" out of this, if anything seperating in a non hostile manner would be best and letting them understand some people just aren't meant for each other this is a prime case. I always like to say the cheater should be left with the children if possible see how they like it alone. (sorry for the non cheaters who got stuck with the children etc)

 

With all this said this is a real shame you supported her getting back into the work force and she couldn't keep her legs shut I hope some husbands/boyfriends out there wont let this try to stop your partner getting back to work.

 

 

Divorce her , get laid move on be a good weekend dad she caused this.

[Trimmer]

I wish people would somewhat leave "stay for the children" out of this, if anything seperating in a non hostile manner would be best and letting them understand some people just aren't meant for each other this is a prime case. I always like to say the cheater should be left with the children if possible see how they like it alone.

This post makes me really angry. Children are not a tool to be used to punish a cheater. Whichever scenario plays out between the spouses - whether staying together or separating - the children's emotional and developmental needs should be a priority.

 

(sorry for the non cheaters who got stuck with the children etc)

Don't dare to offer your pity to me for 'getting stuck' with my children. They are not a burden to be regretted, or a responsibility to be dodged. They are a gift - a solemn trust - and the trauma of a separation and divorce has only reinforced the need - for both me and their mother - to be solid and present parents in their lives. Your attitude is so far off the mark...

 

...be a good weekend dad she caused this.

No, regardless of what happens between you as spouses, continue to be a good father, period. The kind of father you are to your children should not be affected by the depth of your wife's guilt or innocence. This situation is neither a tool to use to punish her with the children, nor some kind of "get out of jail free" card to use to go whoop it up as a free man.

[porter218]

I always like to say the cheater should be left with the children if possible see how they like it alone. (sorry for the non cheaters who got stuck with the children etc)

 

 

 

Divorce her , get laid move on be a good weekend dad she caused this.

WTF....So why the hell would the 'good' one in this situation want to be deprived of his children:confused:. I mean really children aren't a punishment...this is just plain weird.

[citizen67]

Because of your kids, you both owe it to eachother to work on the marriage and give it your best. If things don't get better, then divorce..

 

Do marriage counselling and get your wife to a therapist who can help her with her depression and other health issues! She needs to fix herself first before you two can fix your marriage.

 

I agree that you need to give the possibility of saving the marriage a shot, especially because of the kids, and because you DID have a wonderful relationship before she screwed up big time. If, after, some professional counseling, you feel that you cannot trust/forgive her, then leave, but at that point you will know that you did what you could to make it work. Do NOT go out and screw someone else, that will NOT work.

[atwitsend]

Happy New Year. How are you doing goodman?

[mel47]

Amen to the never forget statement. My wife cheated on me 35 years ago, and actually moved out with our child. I was young and stupid, but finally caught her. All that kept me from witnessing the act was a locked door. I actually loved her so much that I wanted her back. She broke up with him as she knew I would never give him or her any peace if not. Over time she fell back in love with me but would not come back until she was sure I had forgiven her. Over a year. She was and is extremely remorsefull and knows that God has forgiven her, but she cannot forgive herself. We were happy for a long time but now after all this time the affair is on my mind all the time. All I can see is her with that SOB. I love her with all my heart and will not leave because of our child, and now grand child, but I will never forget it. If I did leave I would be lost as I really do still love her. I feel like if I could go beat the crap out of him, again, that I would feel better. He has never married and quite frankly is a lonely old bastard. I made sure at the time that he was embarrased and humiliated, so much so that he quit his job and moved. I have thoughts of hurting him still, but of course I never would. What do you do when at 60 you are in love with your wife, and she with you, but you are so unhappy. You cant live with her, and cant live without her. Well, the answer is that you stay and keep your misery to yourself. Its a lonely, cold existence when you live a lie. Its even lonlier if you dont.

[mark982]

mel, no disrespect, but i sure pray to god i never end up as miserable as you sound.