Author JonEmma Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 Hunkahunkaburninlove, you are so right in all that you have written. Thank you so much. I'm trying to improvise my plans daily and not taking the time to think it all out. To decide not to go to the house I built her, or even visit the Philippines, was so irrational of me. Of course my kids will go there during their long school summer holidays so I would only be depriving myself of the right to be with them if I did not go to Philippines. I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face to try and get back at my wife and really hurting myself more than her. Stupid and illogical. Regarding the boyfriend she wanted to screw, you are right, there never was any risk of losing her to him. I know she never saw a long term future with him because she knows that he is happily married and would not leave his wife and family for her. Which means that she was probably after a bit of no strings attached excitement with an ex-flame. But I keep asking myself, why was she so stupid to allow herself to get carried away thinking that she loved this man, even knowing that they could not have a future together? So where does that leave me? Maybe it's her age. She's almost 44. Was she trying to see if she still appealed to other men, now that she is getting on a bit? She tells me over and over again that she is only human to make mistakes, as I have done in the past. But that is a feeble excuse. As far as Im concerned, she did not simply make a mistake. Rather she thought it all out and made a conscious decision still to go to him and that was being unfaithful to me, whether they met or not. And she was confident enough that she could talk me around if the worst came to the worst and she was found out. Don't forget I caught her 9 months ago writing lovey-dovey emails to the guy and when I confronted her and called him at the time, that should have been the end of it. As far as I'm aware, he did not pursue any further interest in her. But for 9 months after, she nurtured the idea of springing a surprise by visiting him unannounced, and she executed her plan. Whether he met her or not, her intention to meet him was all too clear. She planned it even after getting caught with the emails which tells me that her desire to meet him was greater than her worry about being caught by me and incurring the consequences. She was prepared to take that risk, which could result in separation or divorce. I'll be frank, I cannot go on showing my angry side, it's not in my nature. I'm a big softy and well she knows it. Yes, you are right again, she needs to understand and hate herself for the pain she has caused me. Not just to tell me in words that she is sorry, as she already has done. For this relationship to survive, I need to know in my heart that she has genuinely guilty feelings and her asking for forgiveness is not just words. If she wants to be reconciled to me, it must be only for the right reasons. Certainly not because of the comfortable lifestyle I provide her or the financial security. For love, nothing less. It was so poignant and you tugged at my heartstrings when you wrote, 'She needs to ache to be reconciled to you....because your love is what she needs to sustain her.' I confess, I need her true love to sustain me. I want to be loved. And if you read all my postings about this subject, you will obviously understand my insecurity about whether she ever did love me. I truly believe I'm destined never to know. I also truly suspect that she wants our marriage to survive, not so much for her love for her husband, but more so for the sake of our kids who love us both and would be devastated if we got divorced. And to save her own face because she could not live with the shame of her family (who I know genuinely think the world of me) knowing that her husband who gave her everything she could wish for had divorced her. She is a good woman and a good mum. Less of a good wife. But I love her. And I know I'm far from being perfect. I admit that I'm not the easiest person in the world to live with. I hope we can work it out.
signedin2008 Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Yes, I have cheated on my wife when we lived in Thailand for 8 years from 1990 to 1998. Our two kids were born in Thailand and when she was heavily pregnant, I strayed. It was sex with no strings attached. Not love. If you think that is sufficient reason for her to want revenge and she was right to store that for over 10 years then to rekindle a relationship with someone she loved before she married her husband, then I do not agree. I've acknowledged that what I did was wrong and I'm not proud of it. But I had casual sex and never saw the person again. Her situation was quite different. She chased after her ex-lover who is also happily married and well she knew it. There's quite a difference between having no strings attached one-off casual sex with a stranger and walking away, or re-igniting a realtionship with an ex-lover. If you do not see there is any difference, I will be surprised. In your opinion, if I had been unfaithful to her, was she justified in putting it on the backburner for over 10 years and then seeking her revenge? So you had causual sex, one night stands, prostitutes, whatever and you think that's the past and no big deal? You broke the vows of your marriage. Does that give her a free pass to do whatever she wants? No. But, your marriage is not longer perfect after you slept with another woman. She felt a void and she stayed married to cheater. You don't think resentment will build from that? You keep asking why she's risking so much to be with her ex, but, what about you? You were risking your health, your wife's health, her love for you, your family, her resentment, etc. for the thrill too, didn't you? How come you're not owing up to your cheating and just trying to brush it off?
JustBreathe Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Oh Good Lord! How did I miss that one? No WONDER things are so horrible! He cheated on her with prosties and one night stands and thinks that's not as bad as her cheating with an ex-boyfriend! Wow. You would think these kinds of men would realize that it isn't who you cheated with, it's that you cheated at ALL. Because the encounters were casual does not make them any less of a gross disrespect of your wife and your marriage. It does not make it any more or less acceptable. How is it possible that this fact evades some people? How can a cheater sit in judgment and disapproval of another cheater?
signedin2008 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 JonEmma, too ashamed to return and reply to the above two posts?
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