signedin2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I gave her everything. She wears a Rolex and has Louis Vuitton bags. I built her parents a new 4-bedroom bungalow 12 years ago and I paid for renovations when termites attacked it; I bought her dad a fish pond and fingerlings to stock it; she has had two new cars recently; I built her a $350,000 6-bedroom (all en-suite) house in one of the most up-market districts in Philippines two years ago; I bought her a 6 apartment unit as rental property; she has had holidays all over the world; all the latest designer apparel; seven of her nieces have worked as our maids over the years including paying for one's flights to Thailand every three months; I paid for her father's medical treatment when he was dying of cancer and bought him a plot to be buried in and paid his funeral expenses when he died two years ago; I paid for her nephew's funeral expenses three years ago when he was tragically killed as a teenager; I paid for her relatives flights to Thailand when we lived there; I gave her relatives loans that have not been repaid; I loaned her sister and niece the money to pay for their air fares to the Middle East where they could find work. Our kids get mostly what they want . You gave her ALL that and she gave herself to another man while it should be yours only? One thing I don't understand is that you keep bring up how the other man has made a promise. He knew she was married and still carried that emotional affair with her, why do you even believe a word that he says? Let me ask you a question....have you ever cheated on your wife during the past 15-20 years you're together? Whether the answer to the above question is yes or no, do you know how many maids from the Phill. would lose a leg or arm to be with someone like you? And here you are with a unfaithful, lying, cheating XXXX.
atwitsend Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I commend you for your clear thinking. You obviously love your kids very much to put yourself through this. If I may make a suggestion. You have given everything to your wife and her family. I hope you cut off their gravy train. You are right on making her a maid for you. Your wife needs a reminder of what you saved her from. May I also suggest that you give her a taste of her own medicine. Start texting people while she is in the room. Every once in awhile chuckle. Then get all dressed up real sharp and photograph yourself with your cell phone (while she can see you doing it) act like you're sending it to someone. When she asks who you are sending your picture to. Say that it was business. Always keep your phone next to you. Text during dinner. And when she is in the room, go into another room and start talking. Like you want privacy. The coup de gra will be...... Get a magazine that advertizes mail order brides. Nothing blatant just one that runs adverts. Then leave the magazine where it can be found by her open to the advert. Or leave a website up or planted in history so she can find it. She will climb the walls. She needs to feel the weight of what she has done. naturally you will be getting a keylogger for any and all computers she accesses and a var for your home so you can insure that she is not contacting this *********.
Bryanp Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 You have all of your answers. She admitted to planning to meet him and fly to meet him and called him all day yesterday. Even if this time she did not get to meet him, she nevertheless was trying to which should be an absolute deal breaker for you. I don't think you need to have a piano fall on your head to know what a liar and cheater she is. Enough is Enough! I agree what the previous poster stated in that most woman would give anything to be with a man like you. Why are you settling for a woman who humiliates and disrespect you in such a way? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. She knows everytime she is caught she cries never again and does it again. She is playing you for a total fool. It is bad enough that her actions show she has just used you and shows you no respect. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She is a real piece of work and that is not in a good way. I wish you luck.
Author JonEmma Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Thanks for your kind words. I'm not sure what a keylogger is. I think it is a device that stores all words typed on the computer, icluding email addresses and passwords? Normally I would not pry but in my case, she needs to be checked because she is a liar and a cheat. I don't deserve that so if a keyloger is what I think it is, I will definitely try to get one. What is a var?
atwitsend Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Yes thats what a keylogger is. A VAR is a Voice Activated Recorder. You need one for the home and one for her bedroom. Any radio shack should have them. You need to find out what she is saying to her friends and if she is staying only for the meal ticket. Close the accounts. I would take every piece of jewelery she has. Everything that differentiates her from a hired maid and put it in a safety deposit box. If she wants to act like a slut. She gets to live like one. Let her keep her cell so you can find out if she's talking smack about you If she is get her a hotel room and tell her to go back to cleaning homes. And then e-mail all her freeloading relatives. and tell them that the gravy train has stopped and that they can thank your adulterous wife for that.
Author JonEmma Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Thanks for the sound advice. I like the way you have laid out your opinion and much of what you have written is probably true and good advice. What you wrote is obviously what many people would believe, including that she married me for financial security. If I was reading MY own story and it was written by another person, I would have thought the exact same. She comes from a poor farming family. She has 5 sisters and 3 brothers who all farm the land to subsist. She was the only one of 9 siblings who did not want to have a life on the farm. To her credit, she had the get up and go to try and make something of her life, albeit to work as a humble housemaid to wealthy Chinese employers in Malaysia and Singapore. Most of the meagre earnings she made was sent home to support her family, as is the case with 95% of OFWs. (Filipino overseas foreign workers.) We had met just once in 1990, before I left her in Malaysia to take up a job in Thailand. We had made a date but never even fulfilled it. Because I had to leave in a hurry before she could take her one day off per month. We exchanged phone nos. and kept in touch. Friends only, we both knew there was no love. How could there be when we never even knew each other? During one of our phone calls, she told me she'd like to visit me in Thailand and I offered her that chance. So she grabbed her chance with both hands, hoping it could lead to something of a better life. I paid for her release from her employment agency and her air fare. We got on really well although I'm not naive to think there was anything like love in the early days. Basically after two broken romances with Filipinos, she had made the commitment to resign from her job and she was willing to take a chance with me, a foreigner who seemed like a nice guy. For me, at that time I regarded her as my live-in girlfriend, without any commitment, and we would see how things would pan out. I was 32 years old then and considering myself as a confirmed bachelor with no designs on ever marrying. No more, no less. It was different for her of course, she had to make something of this relationship or go home to Philippines broke and needing to pay a new agent a placement fee to get another job as a maid again. Not easy and hardly a prospect to look forward to. Once she was in Thailand, she enrolled at hair-dressing college and passed with flying colours. We built up love over two and a half years and then I made the decision to marry her. She had been a very positive influence on my life and brought stability to us as a couple. She was a good woman, attractive, hard-working and loyal. I felt that she loved me and when I questioned her as to why she took a chance on me, she admitted that of course we had no way of knowing each other when we were just long-distance friends, but she took a chance and she was grateful that it worked out. She told me that she had developed love for me over the years we were together. Two and a half years of living with a partner should be enough for most people to make a decision, would you agree She did not ask me for any property. It was entirely my decision to recently build the big house. We have two lovely kids and I felt it was something I should do for her and the kids. If ever anything should happen to me, there would always be a roof over my kids heads. It was my sacrifice and I don't regret having built it. Even if we were to break up. The same can be said for the 6 apartment unit I bought which we rent out. It is there as an investment for the future for them and the rental income will be enough for them to manage on, if the unthinkable ever happened and I was not around to support them. If I could turn back the clock, I would never have bought her the Rolex, the Louis Vuitton bags or the two carat diamond earrings. She asked me for all of those. They are extravagances that cheating, lying wives never will deserve. I don't mind buying expensive presents occasionally. I keep reminding her that she used to tell me in our early days that she did not need the material things in life, she just wanted someone to love her. If that was so, why did she ask for the Rolex, the LV bags or the two carat diamond earrings? I have a sound theory which revolves around the time when our kids went to the prestigious international school in the Philippines. Relatively speaking, only rich kids could go there, as 98% of Filipino families could not afford it. At the risk of sounding conceited, our kids are quite attractive. The mix between Caucasians and Asians often tends to make handsome kids. Our kids were popular with the other kids because they were slightly different from them. The difference was the attraction. As my wife drove the kids to school, she gradually met the parents of our kids friends. They were rich business people or professionals e.g. dermatologists, lawyers etc. I'm not exaggerating when I say that several of those parents are dollar millionaires. We became friends with many of them over the years and still are to this day. Most of them are wealthier than us. I think that is when my wife started to get materialistic. Because as with all of us, Filipinos can be very showy when they have some of the finer things in life. They like to brag and/or show off. Regarding making the mistake of flying abroad hoping to meet her ex-flame, I don’t believe for a second that she wanted to get caught. I know she did not want to get caught because she stood to lose so, so much. I also know that he did not want to risk his marriage by having an extra-marital affair because, when I confronted him several months ago in a phone call about the emails, he told me that he loved his wife and would not endanger his marriage for another woman, especially another man's wife. I think the thrill and danger of meeting clandestinely was too much of a temptation and she made a massive mistake. I'm trying to analyse it and find the answer. She will be 44 years old in 3 weeks time. Could it be mid-life crisis? Boredom with having too much of a good thing? Familiarity bred contempt? Or that she never truly genuinely loved me? Or a combination of all those things? I suspect that it's basically just that she loves her country folk first and foremost. She had two Filipino boyfriends before me and both of them broke her heart. I'm just an ordinary kind-hearted guy who came by and picked up the pieces. I was attracted to her and asked her for a date and she felt that she had nothing to lose. The rest is history I hate what she did to me and feel humiliated. Believe me, I did NOT buy her the expensive property, jewellery etc. because I was trying to buy her love. I am simply a generous man. If we do part, I'd probably be generous to any future partner. But I've learned my lesson. I will not be so extravagant to another woman. I'll be 52 years old soon and I feel like once bitten, twice shy. Never again will I make the mistakes I made with her. She has taught me that She swears that she loves me but I don't think she ever really has done. Maybe she loves me as she would a brother, for being her saviour when I rescued her from being a maid earning $150/month way back in 1991. I guess I will never truly know if my wife ever loved me or if she just loved the life I gave her. I have told her that if we did not have our kids, she would be history. I love my kids so much and don't want them to feel like the victims here. I know they would feel like victims if I broke up with their mother. And I would not be able to stop them from going with her because she is a good mother and can take more care of them than I can. I would not deprive them of their mum. I will sacrifice my own happiness for my kids. That is my predicament. I am weak but my love for my children will never diminish. As a late starter as a father, I don’t want to be separated from my kids. I don’t think I could handle it. At 52 years old, I don’t have time on my side. That is my dilemma.
pelicanpreacher Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 What if her "worm turns" and she decides that she isn't going to abide by the new treatment and living arrangements you've contemplated. She might decide that you owe the children the exempliary education that you've been providing throughout their schooling and demand, as part of the divorce settlement, that a seperate residence be paid for on top of the schooling costs within proximity of the institution along with child support and alimony so that she can assure that the divorce action doesn't disrupt the children's routines, her life, or advantages she feels entitled to as a consequence of being your wife! Although the home and rental property in the Phillipines are solely hers there is no reason that greed cannot trump reason to make her go absolutely ballistic in squeezing you when her mindset now is every dime she sees is every dime she needs and there is no way on earth, given a choice, that she would ever go back to being someone's maid. As you've said before, you will not make your children go without by taking away all that you've already given her just because of her betrayal so it is in your best interests to start hiding assets now lest you be the one left bereft and living on a maid's wages.
atwitsend Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Pelican is absolutely right. You take over all the finance. Close any joint accounts and make her open her own. You give her a budget with a limited amount of spending money. When she came back I would take her passport so she can't just split with the kids at anytime. This way she would have to confront you before she just takes off (and she can't extort money out of you). If she wants to live a marriage of secrets. Give it to her. Since she obviously know the value of things, she needs to know what the cost of breaking your heart was. Regarding the lie detector, in truth it can confirm a physical affair. But you already know if she would have had the opportunity she would have screwed this guy. It looks more and more like she was the pursuer in this situation. What more do you really need to know? Don't forget the keylogger and the var. You need to find out if she is just a golddigger or if she does love you. Then you can adjust your emotions to the situation. If you were only a meal ticket, you can make the restaurant mcdonalds. You will also need to buy a separate computer that she does not have access to. Because she can do the same to your computer (keylogger for account information). When you do get these separate accounts (consider off shore) you will wield all the power in your marriage. I really encourage you to also develop friendships outside the marriage. A support group if you will. This board is nice but sometimes you want friends with skin on them to talk to.
Author JonEmma Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Atwitsend and Pelican, Thanks a million for all your great feedback and advice. Just to give you some knowledge about our present situation that I'm sure you will find quite pleasing in respect to my status. My family have been back with me since 03 January. She came back with her tail between her legs saying sorry, sorry, sorry! She has told me she can't sleep at nights thinking about the damage she has done, how bad and stupid she has been, how lucky that she has me as her husband and that I have not kicked her out yet. She has told me I can impose all the rules and she will abide by them. She doesn't ask me for anything except forgiveness. She is desperate to save our marriage. As you said atwitsend, I am in the Middle East where she has zero power. I'm holding all the aces here. Things are different here from the USA. Men are 'king' in the Middle East, a woman is just a roleplayer. Especially a foreign wife who is only here under MY sponsorship, because I work for the one of the biggest national companies here. She would not have a leg to stand on if she tried to get a lawyer here. She would not even be allowed to, without my consent. As her sponsor, I could have her thrown out the country. As regards trying to hire a lawyer from her own country whilst residing here, no chance. Philippines law has no jurisdiction or say over what happens to one of its nationals when they reside as permanent residents in another country. I told her if she likes, she can leave with the kids and keep the house, rental property, all the assets, I will not contest a thing. But never to expect a dime from me again. She can live off the rental income generated from the 6 rental units (approximately $1400 USD/month) and that is what she will have for ever more. No new cars, no nice holidays, nice hotels and restaurants. If she decided to return to the Philippines and consult a lawyer there, as a British national without resident status there, I'm untouchable. If any lawyers letters were ever sent to me, I would put them in the trash can without opening them. I've told her if she goes, I'll negotiate via email with the school and pay the fees directly via online banking. Not a centavo goes her way. I gave her a reduced allowance this morning and when she appealed, I told her it's because I was giving her too much before and not to quote what her friends were getting from their husbands, because I'm not remotely interested in that. I've told her that since she did what she did, I've realised that I don't even KNOW the woman I've been married to since 1993. I said that we are different now, so things between us are different now also. I told her that if she does not like my rules, she is free to go and I'm not holding her back. She said that she is not going anywhere, she is staying with me and the kids because she loves me, the kids and the family must stay together. Regarding withholding her passport to prevent her from doing a runner, it's impossible for her to abscond. For one, she does not have the air fare. Secondly, she could not leave the country without my permission actually, as I'm her sponsor and she needs to give me her passport so I can give it to my HR Dept. to process an exit visa. She said that most marriages suffer a crisis and she realises her mistakes and is prepared to suffer the indignity of her foolish ways if given another chance. She does not want to eat out, go out, but only to prove to me and the kids that she can be a loyal and loving wife and mother. (She is a good mother.) I thought I mentioned before that my nest egg is already in an offshore bank account in my name in the Channel Islands. Nobody can access it accept me, not even a lawyer from anywhere in the world. Offshore bank accounts are set up that way, to be strictly confidential. To be honest, I don't think the guy screwed her. I'm not defending her one iota because I've told her plain and simple, she did all the running and if he had agreed to meet her and had so much as smiled at her, she was his toy to do as he wanted. I've told her how shameful that a married woman with all the trappings of success could be such a loose slovenly woman at 43 years of age and she acknowledges that she is a disgrace who stooped to the lowest. Regarding the keylogger, I've downloaded one already. She is an absolute novice at the computer and wouldn't have the faintest idea. That is why she was so stupid to get caught in the first place. All I can see myself doing is hurting her now, giving her a taste of her own medicine. I'm already hard and haven't spoken a nice word. I see the hurt in her face. I know she cries while I'm at work. Is it because she is remoresful and regrets what she did? Or because she feels sorry for herself for getting caught? I don't know. I have more than enough in the bank to start all over again on my own and to live quite happily. But I want to continue providing for my kids future until 2017 when I'll be 60 years old and they should have graduated. If I was fortunate enough to have enough money in savings now to set up my kids for life, I'd set up a trust fund for them that would mature on their 21st birthdays and I'd be off. But I've made my decision that I need my kids and as long as they need me, my decision is final. We'll see what transpires in the coming months. But I know and so does she, that I have all the aces up my sleeve and she is powerless. She can't even emotionally blackmail me by threatening to take the kids away because I believe she is terrified at the prospect of returning to Philippines and admitting to her family that she caused the failure of her marriage. Although her family are takers, I do believe they respect me. Her 79 year old mother (who loves me so much) would be so ashamed and distraught, it might be the ending of her. Thank you ever so much.
atwitsend Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Excellent. But remember the VAR. You need to find out if she really does love you. She could be telling you the truth. But you have to know. If she does love you. You can treat her like crap for awhile. But I would use it as a tool to restore the relationship. It may be tough but I would also suggest no sex for awhile either. Maybe a couple of months. But then one day, You let her sleep with you. You have to throw her a bone. If not she will despair which could turn into hate. Giving her back her place as your wife after causing an extended length of worry (that you will ever love her again) will teach her that you mean business and that she can't ever mess around again. But you have to know first from the VAR. If everything progresses as i expect. She will be aching to restore your marriage. And when/if you forgive her. You could have a better marriage then ever. One last point. On that day (because I do believe that you will need to move on in your marriage for your own happiness. The last statement I would make to her regarding the subject would be. "I hope you learned your lesson and we can move our marriage forward. But If it ever happens again, and I will know. Remember, there is a lot of sand out in the desert". Don't forget the VAR!
Bryanp Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 It seems like you are holding all of the cards. My question to you is why not have her take a polygraph test (cost about US $500) and you will most likely find out once and for all whether or not she screwed this guy and whether she needs to be tested for STD's. It sounds like she is willing to accept everything else so why not try this? At least it may give you some peace of mind. I wish you luck.
signedin2008 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 To be honest, I don't think the guy screwed her. I'm not defending her one iota because I've told her plain and simple, she did all the running and if he had agreed to meet her and had so much as smiled at her, she was his toy to do as he wanted. I think you're wrong. You shouldn't believe a word he said to you. He was an ACTIVE participant before getting caught while he knew she was married. All they need is a cheap hotel, any room available at his place, or who knows, based all the planning she had made, she might have even reserved a luxurious hotel room for him to show up. He has participated soo much for so long, what makes you think that he won't show up when she is right there in his town? Does she love you? Does a wife who truly loves her husband would do such a thing or something remotely to that? Does she love your money and scared and ashamed to lose it? YES! If you touched her after she has gotten back, you need to get tested for STDs. Let me ask you this question, have you ever cheated on your wife? (If the answer is "yes" and even if you think she does not know, this might the cause of her behavior).
lkjh Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Im sorry but I still think you are to easy on her. Sure who have the power but you havent used any of it. You need to tell her family and friends so they all know that their meal ticket is about to end and second you need to find a way for her to take a lie detector test.
Author JonEmma Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 This is my final posting on my subject. I’ve wrote enough to write a book, I should have been a novelist. I have read all your opinions and with your help, I’ve made up my mind and answered my dilemma the way I see it. Thanks for all your feedback. After I left her in Malaysia to take up my new job in Thailand, we got in touch by chance months’ later and exchanged phone nos. We were just friends. We both knew there was no love. How could there be when we never even knew each other? During one of our phone calls, she told me that she'd like to visit me in Thailand and I offered her that chance. She was encouraged by her friends to go and she grabbed her chance with both hands, hoping it could lead to something of a better life. I paid for her release from her employment agency and her air fare. We got on really well in the early days. Shortly after she joined me in Thailand, she asked if she could enrol at hair-dressing college for an intensive 6 months course so that’s what happened. She was happy learning and I was happy for her. For me, at that time I regarded her as my live-in girlfriend, without any real commitment, and we would see how things might pan out. I was single and 32 years old and I considered myself as a confirmed bachelor with no designs on ever marrying. I worked with guys my own age, we were earning very big money and temptation was never far away working in Thailand. To be honest, I was unfaithful to her many times in our early courtship. Me and my mates had a lot of late nights and played the field and I enjoyed my life as a single man. I did not do anything in her face but she knew what we were getting up to. I know that I was wrong to make her suffer. I'm not proud of it but if I'm telling my story, I'm not portraying myself as an angel. That's only fair It was different for her, of course. After two broken romances with Filipinos, she had made a vow unto herself never to have another Filipino boyfriend. (Filipinos working away from home have a reputation as playboys.) I was attracted to her and when fate played its hand and we got in touch again, she felt that she had nothing to lose. She made the commitment to resign from her job and she was willing to take a chance with me, a foreigner who seemed like a nice guy. Once she left her job, she had made her bed and had to lie in it. She simply had to make something of this relationship or go home to Philippines broke and needing to pay a new agent a placement fee to get another job as a maid again. Not easy and hardly a prospect to look forward to. I saw less of my friends and cut down on my social life and things were quite idyllic. She passed her final exams with flying colours. We built up love over two and a half years and then I made the decision to marry her. She had been a very positive influence on my life and brought stability to us as a couple. She was a good woman, attractive, hard-working and loyal. I felt that she loved me and when I questioned her as to why she took a chance on me, she admitted that of course we had no way of knowing at first when we were just long-distance friends, but she was grateful that it had worked out. She told me that she had developed love for me over the years we were together. Two and a half years of living with a partner should be enough for most people to make a decision, would you agree She did not ask me for any property. I did NOT buy her the expensive property, jewellery etc. because I was trying to buy her love. It was entirely my decision to recently build the big house. We have two lovely kids and I felt it was something I should do for her and the kids. If anything should ever happen to me, there would always be a roof over their heads. It was my sacrifice and I don't regret having built it, even if we were to break up. The same can be said for the 6 apartment unit I bought which we rent out. It is there as an investment for the future for them and if the unthinkable ever happened and I was not around to support them, the rental income will be enough for them to manage on If I could turn back the clock, I would never have bought her the Rolex, the Louis Vuitton bags or the two carat diamond earrings. She asked me for all of those. They are extravagances that cheating, lying wives never will deserve. Regarding making the mistake of flying abroad hoping to meet her ex-flame, I don’t believe she wanted to get caught because she had it all and stood to lose so, so much. (She had it all…except love?) When I confronted him several months ago in a phone call about the emails, he told me that he loved his wife and he would not want to risk his marriage by having an extra-marital affair for another woman, especially another man's wife. I think the thrill and danger of meeting clandestinely was too much of a temptation and she made a massive mistake. After 15 years of marriage and with two beautiful kids, I'm trying to analyse what went wrong. She will be 44 years old in 3 weeks time. Could it be mid-life crisis? Did she carry the scars of my playing the field in our early days and set out to get revenge? Was it boredom with having too much of a good thing? Familiarity bred contempt? Or that she never truly loved me? Or was she only being human and made a big mistake, as we all do? Maybe it was a combination of all of those things? I haven't mentioned this part because it was not part of my original question as to whether she had visited her ex-boyfriend. In 2003 when I worked abroad, she actually confessed about another time. Once when we'd had a massive phone argument, she had cheated on me and had a one night stand with her second boyfriend. It would have been easy for her to do as it’s the only time I’ve worked away from my family. She swore she slept with him once only and begged forgiveness. (I never wrote about this before because she'd never denied it. She had confessed to me out of sheer guilt, or I'd never have suspected a thing.) After agonizing over whether to leave her that time, I forgave her. My kids needed her. Then last December, if she did not cheat on me with her first Filipino boyfriend, she at least tried to, when she went to great lengths to meet him by taking an international flight. In summary, she’s had two Filipino boyfriends before she met me. More than ten years after we got married, she screwed one of them and tried to screw the other. Filipina women have a reputation for being faithful. (Not the women who work the bars, the ordinary women who have respectable, even low-paid humble jobs.) I truly believe that she would never have been unfaithful to either of her Filipino boyfriends. She has told me that she loved them both and would have married either of them if they had asked her. Both of them broke her heart. She said that she is glad she didn’t marry them or else she would not be with me. I think it's obvious that she loves Filipino men first and foremost. She swears that she loves me. Maybe she loves me as she would a brother, for being her Good Samaritan, when I rescued her from a life of being a maid earning $150/month way back in 1991. If I am honest with myself, I don't think she has ever really loved me. I'm just an ordinary kind-hearted guy who came by, fancied her and picked up the pieces after her heart had been broken twice by men from her own country. I think she feels an obligation to love me for all that I’ve done for her. I think she wants to love me and she has tried to love me. But you can’t make yourself love somebody. It’s not like turning on a switch. We can’t instill that vital spark if it was never really there. It must come from within Obviously many people believe, as I do, that she married me for financial security. If someone else had written this story, I would think exactly the same. If we part, I will never be so extravagant to another woman. I'll be 52 years old soon and once bitten, twice shy. I will never make the same mistakes again that I made with her. I've learned my lesson I have told her that if we did not have our kids, she would be history. I love my kids so much and don't want them to feel like the victims here. I know they would feel like victims if I broke up with their mother. And I would not be able to stop them from going with her because she is a good mother and can take more care of them than I can. I would not deprive them of their mum. I will sacrifice my own happiness for my kids. My love for my children will never diminish. As a late starter as a father, I don’t want to be separated from my kids. I don’t think I could handle it. At my age, I don’t have time on my side. That is my dilemma. It gave me no pleasure to pour out my story and soul search for the reasons of her betrayal. I’m not asking for readers’ sympathy. I would just like their understanding. Thank you.
atwitsend Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I understand JonEmma, I see your dilemma. I know to confirm how she feels may be to much. And that might be why you avoid The VAR. I really hope that you can restore things. I think if you do play the tough guy for awhile. and then start fresh with her, that at least she would be thankful. If might not be love, but thankfulness is at least something.
JustBreathe Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Without having read all of the above posts completely (just skimmed some of them), it looks like it's pretty much a done deal. She got busted, lied about it to the point you had to dig up the truth yourself, then after she knew she was busted she schemed to meet her lover again. She continues to lie and distort things and you can't trust her at all anymore. No polygraphs are necessary, no spy equipment, none of that is necessary as you already know what you're married to. Personally, I think you're doing just fine. You're dealing with the whole debaucle in a pragmatic matter, not just bolting for the door or kicking her out in the street (as you well know you could). You're taking the time to plan your exit strategy. You know, I am not surprised she agreed to the polygraph. She agreed to it, then gave you more information but not the entire truth, hoping that you wouldn't follow through if you thought you had all of the truth. She must have been sweating in her boots. I'm forever editing my posts -- maybe I should have been the novelist -- anyway, I wanted to add that if it is understanding you are seeking, well, everyone here has been where you are at now. We understand completely.
Author JonEmma Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Thank you so much. Your reply was excellent and made me feel so much better. You read me well. I would love to plan my escape strategy and it's uppermost in my thinking. I just need to exact it correctly so that my kids will feel absolute minimal adverse impact plus I need to ensure that I have unlimited access to them. I don't want to leave them at all but I do want to leave her. And I know she is the better option for them as a guardian because my work commitments mean I simply can't give them the time they need from their parents. And to be fair, she is a good mum. But as much as the kids love their dad, nobody can take the place of their mum. I just wish she was as dedicated to me as she is to my children.
signedin2008 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Let me ask you this question, have you ever cheated on your wife? (If the answer is "yes" and even if you think she does not know, this might the cause of her behavior). Is there a reason you refuse to answer my simple question above? Can you really blame her for cheating if you have slept around yourself?
Author JonEmma Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 Yes, I have cheated on my wife when we lived in Thailand for 8 years from 1990 to 1998. Our two kids were born in Thailand and when she was heavily pregnant, I strayed. It was sex with no strings attached. Not love. If you think that is sufficient reason for her to want revenge and she was right to store that for over 10 years then to rekindle a relationship with someone she loved before she married her husband, then I do not agree. I've acknowledged that what I did was wrong and I'm not proud of it. But I had casual sex and never saw the person again. Her situation was quite different. She chased after her ex-lover who is also happily married and well she knew it. There's quite a difference between having no strings attached one-off casual sex with a stranger and walking away, or re-igniting a realtionship with an ex-lover. If you do not see there is any difference, I will be surprised. In your opinion, if I had been unfaithful to her, was she justified in putting it on the backburner for over 10 years and then seeking her revenge?
imagine Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Yes, there was sex. Were she in your shoes maybe she would have told you another story. The usual expression here is, what would she say after receiving an STD. Read the articles at marriagebuilders.com. I am the same age as you. I learned spans from this source.
pelicanpreacher Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Yes, I have cheated on my wife when we lived in Thailand for 8 years from 1990 to 1998. Our two kids were born in Thailand and when she was heavily pregnant, I strayed. It was sex with no strings attached. Not love. If you think that is sufficient reason for her to want revenge and she was right to store that for over 10 years then to rekindle a relationship with someone she loved before she married her husband, then I do not agree. I've acknowledged that what I did was wrong and I'm not proud of it. But I had casual sex and never saw the person again. Her situation was quite different. She chased after her ex-lover who is also happily married and well she knew it. There's quite a difference between having no strings attached one-off casual sex with a stranger and walking away, or re-igniting a realtionship with an ex-lover. If you do not see there is any difference, I will be surprised. In your opinion, if I had been unfaithful to her, was she justified in putting it on the backburner for over 10 years and then seeking her revenge? Yikes my friend ... you have yet to learn the mind of a woman! You left her side to be with another at her emotionally weakest moment and that scar is likely to never heal. No big deal to you but a huge deal to her!!!
Author JonEmma Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Atwitsend, all your advice has been well received, thanks. I would get the VAR but the simple reason why I won't is because when Filipinos talk amongst each other, it's 95% in tagalog and I don't speak it. It is not a smokescreen devised to keep me from understanding them, it's just how they normally communicate, in their own mother tongue. As you suggested, I have adopted a tough stance and it's a bit like a cold war between us now. She is trying to thaw me out by making my favourite cuisine, but I'm not giving her an inch. I make a fuss and tell her not to cook for me again as I'm not hungry, or I refuse to eat what she makes. When I leave for work in the morning I tell her not to cook for me in the evening because I'll get a takeaway or cook a snack for myself. I'm taking care to make sure that my kids do not see much hostility between us. They are usually with friends or on their computers etc. When the next school holidays arrive at easter, I'll book them flights to Philippines and book myself on a flight elsewhere. That will be interesting to see how she reacts... It will be a long process but things will never be the same. My immediate target is to enable my oldest child to finish her exams in June 2010. My contract finishes at the same time. When we leave the Middle East at that time, we may well go in different directions. The coup de grace I plan to lay on her is telling her that I will never set foot in the house I built her ever again. It's a dream house and a crying shame but I want to hurt her and that's how I'm going to do it. I've already told her that if I ever come to learn that another man sleeps in the $4,000 dollar bed I bought, I'll torch the f***ing house. She said that another man sleeping in the master bedroom will never be an issue, it just won't happen. (I personally don't think she would stoop to the level of letting our kids see another man in our house. My daughter would not stand for it in any case.) I'm even thinking about never ever visiting Philippines again. If and when we do go our separate ways (which I want and she says she doesn't) when I finish my job here, I'll ensure that I get unlimited access to my kids and I'll pay for their flights to meet me at rendezvous locations close to Philippines i.e. Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Malaysia etc. My daughter is already old enough to fly without a guardian and my son will be in two years time. But their mother will not be on my guest invitation list and if she wants to come, she will have to pay her own air fare, accommodation and eat at different restaurants from us. I'll tell her to find her own company and not to gatecrash our get-together. Vengeance will be mine. She can mark my words. I have the finances, I'm in total control.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I read your story. It took awhile. But you seem to have gotten some good advice. I personally don't see keeping this up for an extended period of time will benefit you (not her). She screwed up. But the idea is even when you are tough, you want to be wooing her back to you. Its the carrot and the stick. If its all stick you just punish yourself. You may never trust her again. But that doesn't mean you can't love her. Otherwise you are only punishing yourself. You have chosen to stay with her. May I make a suggestion. Tell her it is not by cooking, or by her cleaning, or by trying to make things up to you that will change how you react to her. It will be because you CHOOSE to love her again. It is not something that she can coax out of you. Tell her that you're not convinced that you can trust her love for you. That it is not because of wanting to save the family or for financial security. Tell her you don't know if she had her choice that she would choose you over the boyfriend she wanted to screw. Tell her the situation with her boyfriend is not like her having a one night stand. Its that she allowed herself to love another man and now how do I know if your love for me you profess is real. Showing your vulnerable side regarding your relationship, and expressing your fears is a tact that could be effective on her. You hold all the cards. So you can afford to be open with her. My point is, I believe that after your cold shoulder you show her the softer side. She needs to understand and hate the pain she has caused you. She needs to ache to be reconciled to you. Not because of the life style you provide her. But because your love is what she needs to sustain her. If all you ever do is show your angry side. Eventually she will harden to it. You do not want that. I believe your wife does love you. And there was never the risk of losing her to this old boyfriend . Was it betrayal? Absolutely. Does she deserve you withholding love? Yes, but only because of trying to protect yourself. You have a choice. A bitter loveless marriage until the kids have grown. Or a close loving one (maybe not completely trusting) that can enrich your own life and hers. Its your choice as to which one you cultivate.
Athena Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 hunkahunkaburninlove, very good advice!!!! I agree with this
desertmoon Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Yikes my friend ... you have yet to learn the mind of a woman! You left her side to be with another at her emotionally weakest moment and that scar is likely to never heal. No big deal to you but a huge deal to her!!! Ahhh...JonEmma, you are being unfair..haven't you heard?to some, time does not mean a thing when the heart is still broken --you were her knight in shining armor and you failed her during her most vulnerable state....that kind of pain tends to stay forever....consider the culture.... It doesn't matter that you have made her a princess, nay , a queen! you failed her....and she probabaly feels she has a free pass... Check out the post by a man whose wife cheated 10 years ago---only now---after 10 years-is he going to divorce her.... I say, do not throw in the towel yet...but do have control over your finances. Refrain from belittling and referring to your wife as a poor, former maid----while true,it reflects badly on you. After all , some would argue, what were you doing exploiting a poor, young, pretty woman for sex and housework? You did not love her but you knew she needed financial help. Wouldn't the "christian" thing to do just help her without using her for sex? So stop putting her down. She is after all, the mother of your children--while certanly she has done something wrong, so have you in the past--unless you did not think being married to her and sleeping with other women while she was pregnant was wrong? You enumerated the many material things you have given her here and said you did not do that to buy her love but because you are naturally a generous person...so why mention it? to give us perspective? on what?
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