Did my wife visit her ex-boyfriend?

[JonEmma]

Please read the following true story and kindly give me your opinion at the end.

 

I’m a British man working and living in the Middle East with my family. Recently I was on the internet and my Filipina wife had forgotten to log off her email account when she left the computer. The page was at the ‘Sent’ mail folder and I noticed that my wife’s ‘Sent’ emails had gone to just one recipient and it was a Filipino man. Curiosity got the better of me and I opened one of her emails to this guy. I was shocked to realise that my wife and the Filipino had known each other intimately before. I opened the rest of her ‘Sent’ emails and confirmed it. My wife had written to him how much she really missed him, loved him and she said she would send him pictures of herself that would give him a hard-on etc. and she’d always signed out ‘love you’, ‘miss you’ or ‘xxx’. They had also sent SMS messages and chatted on Yahoo! Messenger and made international telephone calls. My wife bought a new webcam but the Filipino guy’s connection was too slow and they only connected once via webcam. I read an email where my wife even called the Filipino on our wedding anniversary and cried and told him how much she really missed and loved him. On our very own wedding anniversary….

 

The guy wrote and asked her to visit him where he works in Pasir Gudang, near Johor Bahru, in Malaysia if she ever got the chance to take a trip abroad. (It is a 2 hour flight from Manila to Singapore, then a one hour journey by road over the Singapore - Malaysia causeway to Johor Bahru.)

 

I told my wife that she hadn’t signed out her account and I’d got curious about who she was writing to so read all her emails. I asked her about the emails and wanted to know who the man was. She was very defensive and said that it was a stranger, a nice guy who she had met at Bangkok airport who assisted her by taking on some of her excess baggage, on a flight to Manila. I did not believe her though, as I know my wife would not send sexy photos of herself to a stranger who she’d just met at an airport.

 

After changing her story many times, I knew that she was lying. I read the emails again and realised that the guy worked for a company I knew in Pasir Gudang, Malaysia. I called the company and got to talk to the man and confronted him as to why he was sending secret emails to my wife, a married woman. He confessed that he knew my wife long before she had got married, when they had both worked in Johor Bahru. (They were actually boyfriend and girlfriend in Malaysia, back in 1987. As it happens, the guy had actually taken the virginity of my wife.) By coincidence, he was now back working in the same region where he and my wife were dating 21 years ago. He swore that he had not seen her for 21 years, when he had to leave Malaysia to take a new job in Indonesia. He understood that I was rightly angry that my wife was writing to him behind my back and promised to stop all correspondence with her. He gave me his word of honour.

 

I told my wife that I had spoken to the guy who she’d been emailing on the phone and discovered that he was her Filipino ex-boyfriend and he had aplogised, promising never to contact her again. (I knew that my wife had a Filipino lover 21 years before.) She admitted all what he had told me was true and begged forgiveness. I asked her how they had got in touch after such a long period of time, and she said that she had recently met an acquaintance from the old days in Malaysia at a party in Philippines and got her ex-boyfriend’s telephone number, called him and they’d exchanged email addresses. She apologised and promised to stop all correspondence immediately and to never contact her ex-boyfriend again. I was raging mad and it almost ended our marriage but I loved her so I forgave her.

Several months later, I had to stay in the Middle East when my wife was going home to Philippines with the kids for Xmas holidays. She told me that a Filipina lady friend, Tess, who was married to my Scottish friend, but separated, had been repeatedly asking her to go on a trip to Singapore. She said Tess had asked her to ask me for permission. I sent Tess a text message saying, ‘Don’t be ridiculous, my wife doesn’t need to ask for my permission to go to Singapore with you. Of course she can go.’ Tess didn’t reply to my message.

 

After my wife and kids had flown to Philippines, I called home a few days later. Our daughter told me that her mother had gone to Singapore. I tried to call my wife to see if she was okay, had enough money etc. but I could not get through. I had Tess’s number and sent her a text message asking her to tell my wife I was trying to call her. I joked to Tess that maybe she could find a new boyfriend in Singapore. Tess sent a reply saying that she was not in Singapore. She had to stay in Manila as her sister was in hospital. She also told me that she was not interested in finding a new boyfriend and that it was never her intention to go to Singapore at all, it was my wife’s plan. She told me that my wife had even offered to pay for her air fare.

 

So I’d found out that Tess had never wanted to go to Singapore in the first place although my wife had said Tess had always been asking her to accompany her there. So obviously my wife had used Tess as her excuse to go there and possibly as an alibi, if I wondered what my wife could be getting up to. I started to wonder, why was my wife lying? I suspected that my wife could be planning to visit her ex-boyfriend, who’d asked her to visit him if ever she got the chance. Her ex-boyfriend was situated just one hour’s drive from Singapore.

 

Still unable to contact my wife, I called home and my daughter told me that her mum had since left Singapore and gone to her ex-employer’s house in Malaysia. It was about 20 minutes drive from where her ex-boyfriend worked. I called my wife many times and eventually managed to talk to her for about a minute but it was a bad connection. I knew that she was at her former employer’s house, whom I’d met 3 years earlier, because I spoke to him. I wanted to ask my wife what was going on, why had she planned this trip all along and pretended that it was her friend Tess who’d asked her to go to Singapore, even offering to pay Tess’s air fare? But I didn’t get a chance to ask her what Tess had told me.

For the next three days, I was calling my wife 75 times a day but her phone was always frustratingly disconnected. In desperation, I sent her an email saying that she had connived to deceive him about the whole trip and and accused her of following up on her ex-boyfriend’s request to visit him there in Malaysia. I slandered her and her ex-boyfriend terribly, calling them a scheming pair of Filipinos etc. etc. etc. and much worse. I wrote that I’d send copies of their secret emails to all of her family and friends and I’d divorce her. I also cc’d the ex-boyfriend in the email. I had his mobile number from their emails before and tried to call him numerous times but although his phone was ringing, he would not answer it. I sent him very strong accusatory text messages, implying that he and my wife were meeting in secret. He replied asking who was sending the messages and I told him he knew fine well it was his ex-girlfriend’s husband. He denied all wrongdoing and said he’d not seen or heard from my wife and had kept his promise never to contact her.

 

The following day, my wife finally called me in a panic. She’d read my email accusing them of meeting in secret and denied it, pleading innocence. She told me never to dare accuse her of meeting her ex-boyfriend as she was staying with her former employer and her conscience was clear. She saw that I’d included her ex-boyfriend in the email and asked me to send him a text message apologising for wrongly accusing him of being with her. I had no hard evidence, only circumstantial evidence, but I strongly suspected that my wife had gone to meet him behind my back for various reasons.

 

1. She concocted a bunch of lies about her friend asking her to go to Singapore when it was her who planned the trip all along and she’d tried to frame her friend as the organiser of the trip.

 

2. She was so desperate for her friend to go to Singapore (as her own reason for going), she even offered to pay her friend’s air fare.

 

3. She could use her ex-boss as an alibi. (Of course, I was not going to call her ex-boss and ask him for a breakdown of her every movement.)

 

4. I could not contact her for three days. (She’d said her mobile battery was low therefore she could not reply to messages or answer calls and she didn’t have a charger. I told her that I didn’t believe her.)

 

In the absence of solid proof, I sent her ex-boyfriend a text message apologising for accusing him. I explained all the reasons for doubting my wife and he replied that he fully understood why I suspected her and he accepted my apology. Which only made me suspect them all the more. Why would a person who has been wrongly accused of committing adultery with another man’s wife and very strongly verbally abused accept an apology, especially if he had done nothing wrong? He would normally have been affronted….

[signedin2008]

You know she met with him and probably slept with him numerous times during those few days she was with him. She lied to you before with all those stories including meeting him at some airport, etc., how can you possibly believe a word out of her mouth when she's minutes away from her lover?

 

I would guaranteed that you wife would not be willing to take a lie detector test, let along pass it. You know that she has planned to cheat on you and it seems she has achieved it.

[Reggie]

You sound like an intelligent guy. Sorry for the pain your wife has put you through.

You've caught your wife in so many, many lies, what other explanation could there be but that she met him.

You connect the dots. The e-mails(which are clearly sexual overtures); the lying about the identity of the recipient of the e-mails; the urgency about taking the trip and the complete frabrication about her friend's involvement; the proximity of her destination to her ex's current locale;not answering the phone; the defensiveness( a sure sign of guilt).

You have this right and you busted her good.

As another suggested, ask her to submit to a polygraph. Watch the reaction. I'd bet she'll be indignant, hostile and angry as hell. These are sure signs she is lying.

You don't really need the polygraph with what you have. But, request she take one and watch how she follows the script of anger in the face of being cornered.

[Bryanp]

I agree that you seem like an intelligent man. It is so obviouis that she met with him and certainly slept with him. I am surprised that you did not divorce her after the first time you read all of her messages to him. She has contantly lied to your face and betrayed you with her lies over and over again. I am sorry my friend but she is playing you for a complete fool.

 

I think a major problem is that there has been no consequences to her actions. She knows that she can lie to you over and over again and you will forgive her. I would insist she get tested for STD's and insist on a polygraph test as well. She has lied, disrespected, and humiliated you and your marriage. Why do you wish to remain with her? I would insist on a polygraph test and also see a lawyer at the same time because you know the results will prove she slept with him and continues to lie to you.

[lkjh]

She is full of it. I say you get tough and send the emails.

[smarterthanbefore]

I'm sorry to tell you this, but your gut is right. She is cheating on you. There is no way she would have all these lies if it was innocent. There would be no reason for it. Not only did she lie to you, but got you to apologise to the man she is decieving you with. I'm sorry for your pain. I could never stay with a person I can't trust. Follow your gut instinct and start collecting proof. No need to question your wife about most things because she will only lie until presented with hard proof. It's amazing how much cheaters lie to cover their a$$. Sorry for your pain, you deserve better.

[You'reasian]

Your gut was right and your detective work was spot on. The ball is in your court. Either get counselling if you think this breach in trust can be healed or draw up the paperwork for a divorce.

 

Sorry to hear about this. Try to move on, enjoy life and find a more loyal woman if you ever decide to get re-married.

[atwitsend]

Draw up divorce papers. I was in the navy. She may think she is hot ****. But if I were you I would dump her and take my own little vacation. You could get a world class beauty without having to get a joint bank account. She needs to go back to what her miserable life was like before you took pity on her. DUMP HER.

[LavendarGirl]

She's definitely cheating with her ex BF. But resist temptation to send the inappropriate emails to her friends and family. Think of your children, they do not need the humiliation on top of everything else.

 

Best regards,

--LG.

[Reggie]

She's definitely cheating with her ex BF. But resist temptation to send the inappropriate emails to her friends and family. Think of your children, they do not need the humiliation on top of everything else.

 

Best regards,

--LG.

 

 

I disagree. The best chance you have for killing this affair is exposure. Kids need to be told the truth, in an age appropriate way, as well. Affairs thrive in darkness. Expose it to the light.

[LavendarGirl]

I disagree. The best chance you have for killing this affair is exposure. Kids need to be told the truth, in an age appropriate way, as well. Affairs thrive in darkness. Expose it to the light.

 

Then sit the kids down and have a talk with them. Sensitively.

[Reggie]

Then sit the kids down and have a talk with them. Sensitively.

 

I agree. Speak to the kids.

[pelicanpreacher]

Talk about the ultimate in gaslighting. She not only got you twisted around on yourself even after you discovered all her lies and subtrifuge but also got you to apologize to the man cuckolding you?!!! I agree with all other posters and begin formulating your exit strategy upon the results of the lie detector test. Life goes on but think carefully about your next move!

[andrewjoselin]

Hi,

 

I am undergoing severe stress while dealing with my Divorce. Please help. What are the factors that I should look in to?

[clivesrobert]

[FONT=&quot]Well I understand your problem [/FONT]

[clivesrobert]

Well I understand your problem![COLOR=black][FONT=&quot]andrewjoselin[/FONT][/COLOR][FONT=&quot],[/FONT] To be honest there are a lot of legalities involved in a divorce as there are many issues that need to be settled before a complete separation. They are spousal support, child support and property distribution. All this is stressful enough without wondering if you have the right attorney. I would suggest you to take a look at [FONT=&quot] No B.S.Divorce Advice Guide[/FONT] They might have quick and effective solution for you.

[COLOR=black][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][/COLOR][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[JonEmma]

He posted this same thing on another site, not sure if it is real or not.

 

Reply

 

My story is real, believe me. Yes, I actually posted it on three websites but frankly I don't see how that can make it less believable than if I posted it on just one site. The reason I posted it on 3 sites is because I told her that if I told 100 people our story and I asked them for their opinion, I guarantee that at least 90% of them would believe what I believe, that she visited her ex-boyfriend. She has since told me that she had planned to pay him a surprise visit by just turning up unannounced, but when she sat on the plane she questioned the wisdom of what she was doing and decided to visit her ex-employer (she was a housemaid for 7 years in Malaysia and Singapore) instead and she has told me that she did not contact or see her former boyfriend. Given that her ex-employer lived about 15 minutes drive from where her ex-boyfriend worked, I find it incredibly hard to believe that she would not see her mission all the way through, especially as she had taken a 2 hour international flight to get there. She said her conscience is clear and she will not confess to having an affair that she did not have. That's why I've asked for as many opinions as I can get and I will make her read peoples opinions. Maybe she will crack but I think she realises our marriage has no chance of surviving if she confesses to having met him and she will deny it vehemently.

[JonEmma]

You know she met with him and probably slept with him numerous times during those few days she was with him. She lied to you before with all those stories including meeting him at some airport, etc., how can you possibly believe a word out of her mouth when she's minutes away from her lover?

 

I would guaranteed that you wife would not be willing to take a lie detector test, let along pass it. You know that she has planned to cheat on you and it seems she has achieved it.

 

Reply

 

Thanks for your reply. You are correct, I can't trust her or believe a word she says. I'd really want her to take a lie detector test as you suggested. But I am working in the Middle East and I don't think there is a mechanism here where that can be done. Can you please advise me? Is there such a thing as a lie detector test kit that can be bought online, where anyone could follow simple instructions and do the test at home?

[Reggie]

You really do not need a lie detector. You know she's lying. Many of us were in denial at first. Her stories are absurd. This woman is cheating big time.

[lkjh]

I understand your need to be 100% but even if she didn't meet him which I think she did, she still lied to you several times and set up a trip to meet him. After all of this I think you can realize she isn't worth it.

[atwitsend]

You need to get things totally in line with a lawyer. You need to close off the bank accounts to her and surprise the **** out of her. And then tell her you didn't buy a friccken word she said. Serve her with papers and plan your own little get away.

[clivesrobert]

www.nobsdivorceguide.com

[shippy]

Well, you can't say for absolute certain that she had sex with her ex, but you'd be a fool to believe it wasn't, at the very least, her intent. 3 days out of contact? Yeah, she's been bad.

 

Cut her off. No honey.... no money.

[atwitsend]

She actually made you call this guy and apologize to him (or as the guy sees it, thanking him for screwing your wife). Have you taken her name off your bank accounts yet? Look you are in the middle east. She has ZERO power. If you wanted you could have her out on her butt having to clean people houses to feed herself. You get the kids because in the middle east men get custody. Give her a one way ticket back to Olongapo and be completely done with her. Send her pictures of the kids at Christmas. I know this sounds over the top. But this is what you COULD do. She has no idea just how powerless she is. If I were you. I'd let her have a spa day (all day) and while she is gone, get some help, and move her stuff to a hotel. Pay for one day, but tell her the first month rent is paid. and she can stay there. You're done so it doesn't matter whether she tells you truth or not. She will see telling you the truth is her last chance with you. Just leave her there so she can think about it. I'll bet she call within 1 hour and dumps the whole truth to you. But at least take her name of any accounts so she can't rip you off as well.

[JonEmma]

The latest update in our marital problem...

 

She has admitted under duress (heavy questioning by me in an international phone call; remember she is in the Philippines with our kids for the school holidays until 03 January before they return to me in the Middle East) that she wanted to visit Singapore first and include a surprise visit to Malaysia to meet him later. But she did not book accommodation in Singapore and her excuse was that it was too expensive. It's quite affordable and I said nobody books a flight only to a place unless they are not intending to stay there, as I believe was her reason. I think she hoped that she could stay with him and go to her ex-employer as a back-up if he did not meet her. When I found her emails eight months ago, he gave me his word then that he would never communicate with her again. When I contacted him recently when she visited where he lived, just before she opened her email where I accused them of meeting in secret, he swore he'd had no further contact. Today by SMS, he again insisted that he'd had no contact.

 

I told her that if her conscience is clear and she has nothing to hide, I'm insisting that she takes a lie detector test or it's over. She refused to take one for a day then said if it's the only way our relationship can survive, she will take the test. (Actually there is no mechanism for taking such a test in the Middle East. I just wanted to see her reaction when given an ultimatum.) So now she has admitted planning to meet him and today she admitted trying to call his office number several times, but she never spoke to him even once and she believes he knew it was her and he was keeping his promise to me and avoiding her.

 

I think that's as far as I can take it. I doubt if I will get a confession from either of them that they committed the ultimate sin. I have enough now to make a decision and I'm leaning towards divorce. My only problem is my kids who I love dearly. They are 15 and 12 and at a crucial stage in their education and doing well at international school. They also like it here. If we break up, she will return to the massive house I built her two years ago in Philippines. It's in her name as I don't have permanent residence.

 

As I stand to collect a six figure end-of-contract-bonus when my contract in the Middle East finishes in 14 months time, it would be financial suicide to walk away so I am compelled to stay here until I complete my work. As much as the kids love me, I know they will want to return to Philippines if their mother goes back and I don't want that to happen. It is a country of little or no opportunities where nepotism and cronyism reign supreme and their educational qualifications attainment in Philippines will be derided in just about most counties in the world. I'm prepared to sacrifice another 14 months living under the same roof as my wife. But we sleep in different bedrooms. She drives my kids to school and back and cooks for them and herself. I will cook for myself or get takeaways. She will know that I am letting her back solely for the welfare of the kids. It won't be easy but I need my kids and I see no alternative. I don't want custodial and legal battles at this stage of my life. I will re-address our situation when my job is finished and we have to leave the Middle East.

 

I gave her everything. She wears a Rolex and has Louis Vuitton bags. I built her parents a new 4-bedroom bungalow 12 years ago and I paid for renovations when termites attacked it; I bought her dad a fish pond and fingerlings to stock it; she has had two new cars recently; I built her a $350,000 6-bedroom (all en-suite) house in one of the most up-market districts in Philippines two years ago; I bought her a 6 apartment unit as rental property; she has had holidays all over the world; all the latest designer apparel; seven of her nieces have worked as our maids over the years including paying for one's flights to Thailand every three months; I paid for her father's medical treatment when he was dying of cancer and bought him a plot to be buried in and paid his funeral expenses when he died two years ago; I paid for her nephew's funeral expenses three years ago when he was tragically killed as a teenager; I paid for her relatives flights to Thailand when we lived there; I gave her relatives loans that have not been repaid; I loaned her sister and niece the money to pay for their air fares to the Middle East where they could find work. Our kids get mostly what they want

 

She said she loves me and is sorry for her sins and she is prepared to move back and live in separate rooms and hope that time can be the healer and patch up our relationship. But she says it's ultimately up to me to decide. I know she will do that because she has too much to lose

 

I'm a sucker. I know it. But my kids schooling is my first priority and my work circumstances demand I don’t make a hasty decision that can cost me emotionally and financially. She can be a maid again as she was for seven years before I rescued her from a life of slavery. She can be my maid….at least for another fourteen months when my oldest finishes her school exams....